News
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Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Twinkies Lives!!!
Call of the DB1’s suicide watch!! The greatest fuel to ever fuel self-hatred, rug sitting, and navel gazing, will continue to be artificially sweetened and processed.
Life is good.
Twinkies lives, kids. Twinkies lives.
Although I’m not sure what to make of the fact that PBR is one of the owners. This cannot be good. Twinkies will never be herpster!! I will fight this possibility to the death!!
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Hostess Sells Twinkies Brand to Investment Firms
BY MICHAEL J. DE LA MERCED AND PETER LATTMAN
Twinkies and Ding Dongs are back from the dead.
Hostess Brands, the now bankrupt owner of the cream-filled confections, agreed on Tuesday to sell the snacks — along with Ho Hos, Sno Balls and Dolly Madison Zingers — to two investment firms with a shared history of corporate turnarounds.
The deal, worth $410 million, was struck nearly four months after the last Twinkie rolled off the baking lines.
When Hostess, unable to reach a deal with its bakers’ union, announced in November that it would wind down operations, it set off waves of nostalgia for a symbol of American junk food. As recently as Tuesday, sellers on eBay were seeking to fetch as much as $250,000 for two boxes of Twinkies.
The sale will mean that Twinkies, born more than 83 years ago in an Illinois industrial kitchen, will live on, having survived wars, recessions and the South Beach and Dukan diets.
The new owners will be Apollo Global Management and Metropoulos & Company, which owns Pabst Blue Ribbon and Vlasic pickles. C. Dean Metropoulos, the food industry veteran who leads the firm that bears his name, is expected to become the chief executive of the snack business.
The deal includes five Hostess factories, which the buyers hope to restart so to begin restocking shore shelves by the summer. And the new company will almost certainly feature the Hostess name.
“There’s a great consumer fan base that hasn’t declined,” Daren Metropoulos, one of Mr. Metropoulos’ sons and an executive at the family firm, said in an interview. “We saw a real opportunity to revitalize these brands, just with some T.L.C.”
That may come in the form of what the younger Mr. Metropoulos deemed “guerrilla marketing,” much as his firm has done with Pabst Blue Ribbon. Social media like Twitter are expected to play a big role going forward, he said, and comedian friends like Zach Galifianakis may be drafted as spokesmen. (Will Ferrell, for instance, has starred in commercials for Old Milwaukee beer, part of the Pabst family.)
The business’ new owners also hinted that Twinkies might find a home in a broader array of stores, including discount retailers like Dollar General. Healthier options, like 100-calorie snack packs, are also expected to make an appearance.
Yet the buyers are unlikely to rely as heavily on a unionized work force as the old Hostess did.
“We look forward to discussing opportunities for our members with new ownership, and add value to the revival of these products,” David Durkee, the president of the Bakery, Confectionery, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers International Union, said in a statement.
Apollo and Metropoulos emerged from what at one point seemed like a crowded field of bankruptcy bidders for the brands. At one point, more than 100 parties had expressed interest in Twinkies, a group that included international food giants and private equity firms.
But by 5 p.m. Monday, the deadline for bids, the only qualified offer came from Apollo and Metropoulos. Advisers to Hostess canceled an auction scheduled for Wednesday morning and declared the two the winner.
“It’s not that we lacked interest,” Gregory F. Rayburn, the Hostess chief executive, said in an interview. “Other bidders felt that they could not top the price.”
The new owners bring significant food industry expertise to the deal.
C. Dean Metropoulos has worked side-by-side with private equity firms on his deals in the past. He oversaw several food transactions for the Dallas private equity firm Hicks Muse Tate & Furst, including International Home Foods, the parent of Bumble Bee Tuna and Chef Boyardee.
Mr. Metropoulos, who has a net worth of $1.2 billion, according to Forbes magazine, made a splash in 2010, when he acquired Pabst Blue Ribbon for $250 million. Pabst — known as P.B.R. among the beer-drinking crowd — has experienced a renaissance in recent years. Mr. Metropoulous’s sons, Evan and Daren, work alongside their father at the firm, based in Greenwich, Conn.
Still, reviving Twinkies and Ring Dings could be their highest profile turnaround.
As for Apollo, the private equity firm has deep experience with food-related investments, having previously owned stakes in the grocery-store chains Ralphs and Dominick’s.
Apollo currently holds a controlling stake in Sprouts, a large natural food store chain in the Western United States that, presumably, will not be selling Twinkies and Ding Dongs.
The sale is not done yet. It requires the approval of the federal bankruptcy judge overseeing Hostess’ Chapter 11 case. A hearing has been tentatively scheduled for March 19.
Hostess is still selling its other remaining brands, including Drake’s snack cakes. Those auctions are expected to conclude by early next month.
Mr. Rayburn said that at some point, Hostess executives will celebrate by popping open a bottle of Champagne.
For his part, Daren Metropoulos said that he and his family would sample some new batches of Hostess product — “and probably crack open a cold P.B.R.”
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Monday, January 28, 2013Breaking: The Porn Industry is Just HCwDB With More Nudity (and the Lip Herp)
Breaking: Seal Team Six Insists That "Zero Dark Thirty" Inaccurately Portrays Them as Douchebags
The Duffelblog breaks the story:
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VIRGINIA BEACH, VA- An anonymous Public Affairs Officer (PAO) for Seal Team Six says the movie “Zero Dark Thirty” is factually inaccurate, portraying Seal Team Six members like the douchebags from Seal Team Two.
“At one point Joel Edgarton’s character wears a polo shirt with a popped collar,” the PAO said. “Team Six doesn’t do that. We’re the baddest motherf@#kers on the planet. We don’t wear shit like Tapout shirts, Ed Hardy jeans, or fedoras. That’s Team Two.”
The members of Seal Team Two, who the rest of the Special Warfare community calls “very special operators,” gained their reputation in the last decade as the Navy’s demand for SEALs skyrocketed. Not enough sailors were passing Basic Underwater Demolition/Seal (BUD/S) training, so SEAL Team Two began recruiting civilians from local tanning salons and UFC parties. Actual SEALs in Team Two were transferred to other units, including the illustrious Team 11.
“Team Two is a joke,” the PAO from SEAL Team Six said. “Their PT uniform is a sleeveless t-shirt with slits down the side so people can check out their rib tats. On their last deployment they petitioned the White House to open a Hooters in Afghanistan. A few years ago they spent their entire training budget to make a calendar,” the PAO paused. “What’s up with that guy second from the right?”
Captain David Witten, Commanding Officer of Seal Team Two, said he was too busy to be interviewed because he was at the gym “getting swoll” but told The Duffel Blog he could bench three hundred and twenty five pounds.
He said he would be willing to do an interview afterwards but it would have to be quick because he was going to “pound brewskis with his bros.”
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Saturday, January 12, 2013Reader Mail: Ed Hardy Heading to the Trash heap of History
Ed Hardy Har Har! writes in with a report from the front:
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Subject: Hardy Trash Heap!
My offices are located in the warehouse part of downtown Vegas (i.e. where all the strip clubs are). Story was the adjacent warehouse was rented by the fine folks from Christian Audigier.
Not too much went on there, except once a month or so, you’d hear the sound of a large mosquito or a small lawnmower outside the warehouse and some piece of crap Honda would pull up and a Circus AssClown Car would pull up and unload a DoucheSquad who would rustle around and then take off a few minutes later.
Then on New Year’s Eve, a helluva racket out in the parking lot. Looked out and the DoucheGaggle were throwing mannequins and “Hardly” paraphenelia across the parking lot in the general direction of the garbage can.
When there was finally silence, I went out to investigate. I knew I had to capture the scene for HCwDB. I’m pretty sure that picture #2 is a still life destined for the Guggenheim.
Best moment? When the local homeless guy who pushes his shopping cart around the neighborhood trash pickin’ rolled up, and says “What is this stuff?” And leaves without taking ANYTHING!
Ed Hardy Har Har
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We are winning.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013Breaking: Billionaire Asspimple Thrown Out Of Sushi Restaurant for Being a Douchebag
From Forbes comes yet another reminder why we need an asspimple tax in this country:
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Stewart Rahr, a New York pharmacy billionaire, just got banned from the celebrity sushi chain, Nobu.
Why? Well, apparently for a number of reasons. The fight started when billionaire Rahr (who sold Kinray to Cardinal Health for for $1.3 billion in 2010) made a scene at Nobu on 57th street when he found a group sitting at what he considered his table. The New York Post says Rahr called the Nobu manager some very nasty names. The Daily Mail claims he threatened to kill her.
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An asspimple says what?
Asspimple.
Monday, November 26, 2012Donkey Douche Jail Updates
For those following the fascinating legal troubles of legendary douchebag and Hall of Scrote member Donkey Douche, Magnum Douche, P.I. writes in with an undercover investigation update on everyone’s favorite monosyllabic grunt:
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Hey DB1,
Sorry, can’t submit a pic with a hott but I got one of a world-renowned douche courtesy of The Missouri Dept of Corrections.
Looks like dumbass got busted in Missouri before his Chicago area drug bust and according to some court records I found online, his current probation with them is in jeapordy of being yanked.
The guy is like an annuity for this site, he’s always paying off.
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The Donk will always live on in our hearts and minds.
Pulitzer committee, I hope you’re taking note. I expect HCwDB to receive acknowledgement for our important and vital news reporting covering the important stories of our time.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012It's Election Day!! Benzino Reminds you to Boobs
All of us, be they rich or boobs, white or boobs, must do our boobriotic duty today and vote. Boobs.
A boobic service from all of your friends here at HCwDB.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012There Will Be Flood
Kinda hard to wake up for a day of douche mock after Travis Bickle’s flood finally came. My thoughts are with my long-time former neighborhood, The East Village.
While Avenue A definitely needed a cleansing after years of Summer Camp for the Disenfranchised ™, this was probably not the best methodology.
Douche mock to continue shortly. But let this post stand with all those digging out this morning.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012Breaking: HCwDB Celebrity Culture Stains Marissa Miller and Some Leechy Goober About to Spawn
First the Snooki baby, and now this.
Thankfully, ABC News was all over the breaking story of Marissa Miller tweeting a pic of herself swimming underwater:
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Former Victoria’s Secret Angel Marisa Miller revealed her baby bump to her Twitter followers on Tuesday while celebrating her 34th birthday.
The former model, who is expecting a baby with her husband music producer Griffin Guess, shared an image snapped of her in a bikini while swimming underwater.
“Thanks so much for all the sweet birthday wishes! Love you all! I had the best day and spent most of it under water…,” she wrote.
Miller is entering the third trimester if her pregnancy. On August 2 she tweeted an image of herself, writing, and “This was a month ago at 17 weeks. My belly seems to have doubled since! Had to paddleboard to get to this cave.’
Miller joins model Bar Refaeli and reality TV star Kim Kardashian in what seems to be a new trend of women tweeting images and video of themselves underwater.
Israeli model Refaeli tweeted a sexy black and white video ad earlier this summer of her swimming in a pool for her under.me underwear line. In early August, Kardashian tweeted a photo taken of her flaunting her curves in a two-piece. The starlet simply wrote, “Swim good” to her followers.
Miller and Guess, who wed in 2006, are expected to welcome their first child in December.
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The next-generation battles of HCwDB Mock will be epic Bruckheimerian spectacles of ridicule and boobie.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012Breaking: Faux-Punk Manic Pixie Dreamgirl Cliche to Marry Nickelbag
Someone’s marrying someone. This is news for some reason.
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AVRIL Lavigne has shocked fans by announcing she’s engaged – to Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger.
The pair have only been dating for six months, after teaming up to write a song for the Canadian pop star’s new album.
Avril and Chad – who, at 37, is 10 years older than his bride-to-be – have managed to keep their romance under wraps since meeting.
But a spokesperson for Avril has confirmed she’s to tie the knot after the singer retweeted news of their engagement.
The unlikely duo fell in love while working together on a tune for the singer’s upcoming fifth studio album – the follow-up to her 2011 collection Goodbye Lullaby.
An insider told People: “A romantic relationship blossomed as they spent time writing together.
“He makes her so happy. Both of their families could not be more excited.”
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