Reader Mail
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Thursday, September 19, 2013
Brenda's 'Bagtag Brevity
Reader Brenda writes in with a one sentence story that leaves so many questions unanswered:
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From: Brenda
Subject: Wanna be rapper
So this cool guy screwed over my sister, im a big fan of your sight, hes a real douchebag.
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So many questions.
How does a douche so douchey become a douche so douchey?
What is the sound of one hair gel follicle spiking?
Why did the ATF smoke-bomb the shoot?
Why is a Dalek attacking?
Tuesday, September 17, 2013Reader Mail: Bondi Beach
The Beach Tagger writes in with an update on the mock from Bondi Beach in New South Wales:
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Hey DB1.
The douche virus has spread, indeed it it is most powerful on Bondi Beach. Whiole we may be a British colony, popular culture down here emulates that of the USA in many ways- good and bad. Here is a fresh pic from aquabumps.com and proof of the infestation, like a bad zombie movie.
Keep up the good work. Fight the douche!
– The Beach Bagger
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Indeed one of the most toxic problems of the douchal virus is how it spreads from the swamplands of Jerz to the nethers of global emulation. That’s the price we pay for being the arbiter of global mass media culture. But, as Stan Lieber once wrote, with great power comes great redouchability. Or something like that.
Monday, July 29, 2013Reader Mail: Mr. Champ
Richard writes in with the following tag:
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This is a friend of a friend of a friend who dresses, acts and takes complete douchebag pictures. He is the elusive Afro American douchebag. Yet he doesn’t see it. Here are 2 pics with all his douchebag-isms.
First pic, here he is wearing a head band that says “Mr. Champ” (that is what he calls himself) with a wife beater, True religion jeans and a blinged out “LA” belt buckle. He did not even know these hot white chicks, he just takes pictures to post them on his Facebook.
In the second pic he is wearing a hat that says “Mr. Champ” a Che Guevera shirt (although he doesn’t know anything about the Cuban revolution) a bandana around his neck and promoting a fake hot sauce brand. The hot Asian girl did not even know who he was. What a douchebag!
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New rule: If, when you hit the clubs, you tell the ladies that your first name is “Mr.,” your ballsack smells like fondue.
Monday, July 8, 2013Reader Mail: Unclear on the Concept
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I Am James William and I would like to order some of your
Shot Bags
Stock Weight: 25 pound shot bag
Stock Size: 8.5″ Wide x 15.5″ Long
what would be the Price for one including taxes..and i believe you
have the products available and do accept all major credit
cards.please advise.?Thank you and waiting for your
reply.
Regards,
James William
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Well hello James William! Funny that you should inquire.? You now no longer wait as this is reply.
We are having a sale on Donkey ‘Bags. The price is now two for please kill it with fire.
Let us know if interest, and also to purchase credit or yes.
Sincerely,
DB1
Tuesday, June 25, 2013Electronica + Asswankery = Asstronica
PO writes in:
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Cosplay meets Douchebaggery at the Electric Daisy Carnival 2013 in Vegas.
The hostess with the mostest is Kina Tavarozi, apparently some sort of Vegas personality, with a tiny, taut little body, and rare earth magnetism for attracting DBs.
These guys all need monikers.
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If mine eyes don’t deceiveth me, them there’s legendary HCwDB paid-to-HCwDBers Hello Kitty Hott and the King of Sears aka The Starry Blight. Only those most epic of douchepoo can continue to make hand gestures and Run with the Goose for years upon years.
And so we salute them. With a middle finger and our collective scorn for the vapid wastes of lives that they represent.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013Understanding the Postmodern Riff
Two weeks ago, in the Riff Raff thread, Douche questioning all… asked:
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What if:
Riff Raff is the purposeful manifestation of the absurdity of pop culture. Far removed from the simple (and probably tweaked out) ass wipe we may see him as, what if he is us. Perhaps the most effective way to end this plague of bagitis is to force the infected to look into the mirror and confront their own ridiculousness.
To this point, I say we must promote Riff Raff. We must encourage it, this thing, this abomination. Because only once it has run its course, this glimmering beacon of ass-hattitry, only once it has infected the goose drinking, hot fondling tool bags we love to hunt, will we be able to carry our message on to new frontiers. The quest of Riff Raff is a painful, shame filled one to watch, let alone encourage, but has the war on douche not been painful, has it not been shame filled?
If we are to win this war, it will be through unrestricted douche warfare. We must find opportunity in the darkest (douchiest) of places. Riff Raff could be our key, our DMD (douche of mass destruction), and we owe it to the casualties of this war, all the hotts that have fallen victim to the plague, to use all the weapons at our disposal. Gentlemen, it is with a heavy heart that I say we set out on this endeavor, for once we venture in to the rabbit hole there is no telling where we will come out, or what kind of shape we will be in once we arrive.
None-the-less, if we are aiming to win the war and simply not just continue to fight it, we must sacrifice. DB1, you must go to that show.
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Well said, DQA. The Raff is spectacle as irony in post-Situation America.
As the one who inadvertently unleashed Snooki uponst the masses, I still owe penance despite my many noble years of douche mocking in both literary, internet, and televisual form (should’ve been theatrical as well but New Line did not let me lord over those rings).
Methinks I must go to this concert. Go to witness.
For if HCwDB is the primal scream against the injustices of product-centric spectacle culture, then Riff Raff is our proverbial “White Wail”.
Thursday, May 2, 2013Reader Mail: JR Tags a Poster HCwDB
Reader JR snaps this coupling of greasy avatar:
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I saw it on display by a photobooth at CocoBongo Playa del Carmen when I was down there over the weekend. I went to high school with the beautiful temptress and thought it worthy of a picture. It was only when reviewing the pic that I truly appreciated the douchiness of this guys exaggerated v-neck, shaved fauxhawk and freshly pumped ‘ceps. But the effort he made to stretch his neck for the forehead touch is what makes it truly awkward.
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Well tagged, indeed, JR. And may all your post high school suckle thighs offer the same worth of Tempting Tandy here.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013Reader Mail: Scary Plotter
Boz 
writes in:
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DB1, You hate to see this.
A ginger darling character actress from a series as venerated (if overly-commodified and endlessly drawn-out) as the Harry Potter movies… on the arm of a mouth-breathing swag-hog like this. I know nothing about this stick, except that he looks like the smelly Danish foreign exchange student from my 8th-grade social studies class.
The two might be dating, engaged, divorced with kids, I don’t know or care.
Satisfaction is in the snap judgement, and my judgement is, “Oh, Snap! He’s a tool!” This Tom-Hanks-from-Castaway coiffed weasel is only in it for the purpose of being tagged in her celebrity facebook photos.
Riding the coattails of her redhaired sweetness…. Ginnie Weasley, my heart weeps some sort of quidditch-based dirge for thee. You are sweet ginger perfection. He is choad.
– Boz
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A quality HCwDB tag with quality mock email. Well done, Boz.
Monday, February 25, 2013Reader Mail: Chris Makes it All Worth It
This email deserves a douche-free post:
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DB1,
I have no business visiting your web site as I am a 45 year old married father of 4 living in the suburbs of DC (that’s our Nation’s capital). I commute for 3 hours a day, work for 8, sleep for 7, am expected to perform with what little time I have left in the day.
But instead of changing diapers and reading “Goodnight Moon” to crying children at the end of a day I sit here and visit your website.
And I laugh, chuckle, and smile. And oftentimes weep….
Weep tears of joy at your comedy, brilliance, and downright hilarity. How you do it, I do not know. Nor do I want to…
I for one appreciate the free entertainment you provide. And of course I will (and have) contribute to your efforts.
You’re the best friend I never met. Don’t ever change.
– Chris
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It’s been a long, crazy, amazing run. In a few weeks, it’ll be seven years since HCwDB was born out of my rage at seeing every male my age putting on paint-spackled $80 Affliction shirts and dousing themselves in Axe Bodyspray in the vain hopes of getting female attention.
So much has changed.
So much has yet to changed.
The battle continues. And in many ways, the battle is also over.
Who knows what the future brings? For now, I’mma still post what I can.
Monday, February 18, 2013Reader Mail: The Story of Benzino
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Hi DB1-
I saw your recent two pics of BENZINO (Friday Haiku on 15 Feb 2013 and Benzio Feels the Douchewaves). I am assuming that you know he works as a nightclub host in Las Vegas. He has several Facebook pages and I assume you’ve seen them.
I know this because years ago he used to date a smoking chick in Austin, TX. I’ve attached some pics of the two of them (and some of her by herself). If you don’t like big fake boobies then she will not be hot.
Sincerely,
– The Benz Mocker
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Because ev-ery roseeeee tattoo has it’s douche…
Good work, B.M. And may all your stools be whole and fibrous. Like little Benzinos.
