Thoughts and Links
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Friday, March 9, 2012
Friday Thoughts and Links
After Vinnie and his ladies finished dining on crabs, it was time to kick back with a hearty Iced-Tea.
Either that or a urine specimen.
Lots of time in Miami to spend money.
Lots of time.
Too much time.
Time to think about where they went wrong in life.
Misspent youth. Failed dreams. Arteries no longer functioning.
Party!
Here’s your links:
The great suspense writer and long-time HCwDB ‘bag hunter, Harlan Coben, is out with a new book, our HCwDB Book Pick of the Week: Stay Close
80s arcade nerds are all growds up.
What the DB1 wants for Hannukah this year.
Rob Gronkowski. Brobaggery? Perhaps. But this is genius, and earns full Athlete Leniency Exemption: Gronk for Madden 2013!
If Hostess Cupcakes ever goes out of business, there may be a solution. Remember kids, it’s not junk food if you bake it at home.
I’m not usually swayed by celebrity endorsements, but if there’s one person who could get me to buy a chocolate bar, it’s Dali.
Sometimes I really miss living in New York.
Happy Spring Break! Las Vegas discovers a new way to cash in..
And while we’re at at, places to avoid: America’s Top Ten Trashiest Spring Break Destinations.
They said he could be anything. So he became a cloud.
But you are not here for douchecloud. You are here for Pear:
The Olympics will be here before we know it.
Friday, March 2, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links
Fwippy glasses make Douchetacula a particularly foul fowl in presence of Rachel the Tiny Red Bull Hott.
Enough to rankle my cupcakes on a Friday.
And by rankle my cupcakes, I mean torture my soul like a thousand psychoanalytic Torquemadas armed with pins, matchsticks, and Perry Como records.
No idea what I’m saying anymore.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Mid 20th Century British Play of the Week: “We had lots of fun, him and me. Being alive, just being alive. That’s enough for an old girl like me. Chewing the cud and having a little of what you fancy.”
Pervy Mugshots from the early 1920s
Remember Snoopy’s brother, Spike? Kinda awesome that a depressed, alienated, stoner hippie wandered into a comic strip.
In 1952, Ernest Hemingway John Steinbeck said everything there is to say about the process of writing.
Do Not Juge Him. Only God will Juge him.
Here’s your Pear:
It is 25% off if you use your Macy’s card.
Friday, February 24, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links
Oh mutant hand gestures for nearby cameras while Running with the Goose and when stalking party Woo girls like Kathy.
How you task me with annoyance and swelter.
How you itch my rectaculum with spectacular spectral speculum.
And, on an unrelated note, it makes me sad that the Beastie Boys are so old. “License to Ill” now refers to constipation.
Here’s your links:
You know the economy’s recovering when douchebags are getting into fights over models at tables in nightclubs.
On a related note, and well worth watching:
The great Steven Colbert bringing extensive ‘bag mocking about that story on his show. (starts 1:45 in) “Our douchebag beat up their douchebag” for the win. My cultural influence is complete.
Love the Colbert. My cousin was Colbert’s personal assistant for years and I gave him a signed copy of my book in 2008.
Bored this weekend? Here’s a great photoblog of candid New York city snapshots from the 1950s.
Or how’s about Mardi Gras 1938?
America: Land of Shirtless Tools With Too Much Time on their Hands.
DListed Asks: Would you hit the Grieco? If by hit you mean hit, perhaps.
The coolest three year old girl in history.
Just as Owen Wilson dreams of the 1920s Parisian Left Bank in “Midnight in Paris,” I dream of early 1980s downtown New York.
But you are not here for DB1 creative fantasies of unreality. You are here for pear:
Enjoy. Chomp. Salivate. Masticate.
The weekend is upon.
Friday, February 17, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links
Douchebags.
Still out there.
Still making stupid faces at cameras while ignoring hott pear and standing in Vegas pools, while awaiting a court date for failing to pay child support to that bitch who like totally lied and it wasn’t his fault, and he was drunk anyway, so what are you lookin’ at?
Or something like that.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Comic Book Pick of the Week: “Man it stanks!… Lets run over Lionel Richie with a tank!”…
Twinkies workers threaten strike. The DB1’s world is about to collapse upon itself.
Do not click on this link: Beach Bleeth Bleach Blech. Told you not to click on that link.
Untreatable gonorrhea is on the way. Or, as I like to call it, Scottsdale.
Maybe it’s a little goofy, but I firmly support the mission statement of the Guerrilla Hugs Project. It may seem silly, but the world really would be a better place if people got hugged a bit more. Provided all hugs come from hotties in the 18-24 demo.
Speaking of Van Halen, the teacher from Van Halen’s early 1980s video “Hot For Teacher” is still uber-hott at 60. Yes, she’s 60. Got it made, got it made, got it made.
It’s true. We’re through the looking glass. Douchebag parking lot frolic has passed through absurdity and reached the sublime.
Here’s your pear:
Commence “Schlitz” jokes… now.
Friday, February 10, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links
Clown Joseph mugs the barely legals.
And somewhere, in the afterlife, 2-Pac and Biggie reflect on their contributions to hiphop culture and realize the whole thing was a marketing sham and a creative fraud.
But at least it’s Friday, she said, as Carolyn gives me the hallowed Mayan Eye of Coitus and my nethers twitch like caffeinated grasshoppers.
And I agreed.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Book Pick of the Week is also the first OWSer: “I would prefer not to.”
In Orlando, a girl with no hands was barred from rides at Sea World. Her name? Katie Champagne. It’s a sign. Not a hand sign though.
Nice to see my fellow Jews representin’ on political issues. Now if I could only get Mila Kunis to spank me with a Torah.
No matter your political persuasion, democratic and republican ‘bag hunters alike should agree that John Boehner is a huge douchebag.
Reader lilfartknocker69 is shocked to discover ‘Bag Balm at his local Rite Aid. Sorry mass-marketing companies, but nothing soothes the rash of toxic pudlery.
Giorgio Loves Sonic. Giorgio gets a hearty nottadouche and goinpeace.
We all know that the Unholy Grieco is the Source Douche for the modern ‘bag plague. But let us not forget that WKRP’s Bailey Quarters set the template for the modern Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh Librarian Hott. Not Semitic Hott, like my usual preference, but I’ll take it.
The Holy Football Tebus likes to suckle.
But enough about the Holy Tebus. Lets get to the pear:
For buried within its curves lies Archimedes formula for moving the world.
Friday, February 3, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links
Chin pubes?
More like 70s chin bush by way of Rip Van Winkle werewolf Sy Sperling miracle gro Chia Pet Star Trek Genesis Project Doctor Who hirsute regeneration formula number nine.
Or something like hat.
And boobs.
Good bless the inner sideboob revealing dress. Take that Victorian Era!
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Book Pick of the Week: “In the sunset of dissolution, everything is illuminated by the aura of nostalgia, even the guillotine.”
The great people of Chicago honor the late, great, Don Cornelius with an imprompu Soul Train dance-off. Peace, love and soul, Mr. Cornelius. Sorry to learn how much pain you were in, but may you find peace in the next world.
For a weekend geekgasm: Every Doctor Who Episode Ever in one montage. Zygons for the win.
Speaking of Who, a ‘bag hunter nearly had a whobag jumpoff heart attack when perusing the wine aisle recently.
New Zealand wins a major battle against Douchal Earth! Massive props to the Kiwis as the tide starts to turn.
Mr. Britney Spears fondles the Future Ex-Mrs. DB1. And a piece of my uvula dies.
A longtime fan of HCwDB asks us to check out his teenage son’s new photography website. and throw him some support. My readers have teenage sons?
When you watch the white rage in our political process today, read Jourdon Anderson’s 1865 letter to his former Master and remind yourself where it comes from. Condescending asswipes making jokes about “food stamps” because they’re still pissed they lost their slaves.
Champagne Katie at the Prom is the greatest image in the history of images.
Who says indie film is dead?
Uhm, yeah. Actually I do. I say it’s dead. Dead as Bingham Ray.
Speaking of indie film, the great Bobcat Goldthwait’s new movie looks genius: God Bless America (trailer). And it’s a cast reunion from One Crazy Summer.
Okay, here it is, you’ve earned it:
Mmmm… Eight slices of doughy pumperfondle.
Friday, January 27, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links
Wrist Stud Collars.
Keeping wrists protected in case a medieval battle breaks out at high school keggers since 2008.
But Ananda’s large proboscuous boobtasteries perk onward until dawn.
And the lion sleeps with the lamb, knowing full well future babies will be adequately suckled.
Here’s your mostly 1980s nostalgia hued links:
Your HCwDB Book Pick of the Week: “I did a lot of drugs because I wanted to do a lot, I wanted to push all the way to the very very end, and see if I could die.” – Martin Scorsese. “Popcorn pictures have always ruled. Why do people go see them? Why is the public so stupid? That’s not my fault.” — George Lucas
Thanks again to Draft Street for the Freeroll fantasy game they threw for us last week. If you’re diggin’ the site as a sponsor, or won some of that sweet sweet cash with your mad skills, drop me a line. We might try to do another one when baseball season starts.
George Clooney looks amazingly young in his latest film, props to the entire team at ILM. (starts :50 in)
Five Horrible Life Lessons Learned From Teen Movies. So true. But nothing about how Aryans were more popular than you in high school?
Football player Terrell Suggs brings some HCwDB mock to the game.
Just think what America would be like today if they’d kept the original ending of First Blood. Rambo can still eat things that make a billy goat puke.
Anatomy of an urban thug. Answers a lot of questions.
Fratty douchebag asswipe runs for the Senate. Stay classy, Fratbrosephus.
Best Video of the 1980s. Celebrate its genius.
But you are not here to watch the DB1 continue to relive his lost 80s youth in Rosebudian fashion. You are here for Pear:
The sofa chair may be inexpensive and tacky, but the Pear is pure and suckle chomp.
Friday, January 20, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links
Trustfund Asswipes at Miami lingerie parties with paid-to-pose hotties punch the Baby Tebus in the nads.
And that’s about all I have to say about that one.
But at least there’s Real World Champagne Katie Pier Pear to keep me hopeful.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Horror Pick of the Week: “”I was not pure. The teleporter insists on inner pure. I was not pure.”
Last chance to get in on the free HCwDB one-day NBA Fantasy Game that Draft Street is throwing in our honor tonight (cutoff to draft is 7pm EST). Help support the site, draft a team and check out Draft Street, and lemme know if you win some cash.
Right. Now. Loblaws is! Having a. Huge. Fro. Zenfood. Sale.
I’ll take Dutch Ovens for $800, Alex.
Rob Schneider participates in the classic Ugly Comedian With Hot Wife sitcom subgenre. Still beats the odious herpstercom trend with shows like “Two Broke Girls” and “New Girl.”
Hip Hop Flute. Played by a future hottie 15 year old Asian Design Major. The hat is douchey but the talent is undeniable.
The future of douchewear. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
In Russia, boob grab you!
Douchebag Merit Badges. Now if only I Could get an HCwDB iPad app designed.
Wanna play a game? See if you can spot the subtle product placement in this clip from Hawaii 5-0. Look closely! It’s subtle.
Lately, I’ve randomly become obsessed with 1970s-era Jacqueline Bisset. And by randomly, I mean boobs.
But you are not here for Wet T-Shirt boobs. Oh wait, you probably are. But you’re also here for Pear:
Totally perfect. And totally perfect.
Friday, January 13, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links
Oh Tiny Dancer Maria, ye of the award winging gazanga gnaws.
How I’ve missed your curvy giggles that shake your frame like a caffeinated Shake Weight ™.
You guide me true on this Friday aft.
Here’s your links:
A profound and unfolding tragedy has shaken me to my very core: Hostess is entering Chapter-11. We have not been doing our part to consume tasty snack cakes with creamy filling.
Nik Ritchie’s craptastic “The Dirty” continues to smell like poo.
For those of us who grew up in the 80s, read Omni Magazine, and thought the leap in perspective from Space Invaders to Zaxxon was revolutionary: Battlestar Gallactica As it Was Meant to Be Told. In 64 Bit. With lots of deserved snark.
Guy Fieri, honorary Douchebag of the Month from June of 2008, now has a drinking game.
Call your Doctor if your Election Lasts Longer Than Four Hours.
You know who also thinks the South by Southwest festival is filled with pretentious herpster shoescrape? Hitler.
But you are not here for tired Hitler memes. You are hear for Pear.
Mmmm… Fruit of the Bloom.
Friday, January 6, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links
Feeling relaxed in the New Year?
Just remember. White Trash Uberwipes are dating your ex-girlfriend.
With giant f-ing lobes. Seriously. WTF with the lobes?
On to the rest.
Nice to see the site fire back up in the New Year, and props to all bringing continuing A-Game to the threads. The mock must continue. Oh yes. It must continue.
Your humble narrator is still hard at work peddling his wares in the dark streets of Hollywood. The whoreness is overwhelming.
But there are always In-n-Out burgers to guide the way. Those are some good burgers, Dude.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “No. I want that feeling. The feeling that comes over a man when he gets exactly what he desires. I need that feeling!”
File under “those crazy kids”: Vodka Tampons. For when drinking orally is just so 2011.
Raiders of the Lost Ark: Geekgasm Edition
The future ex-Mrs.DB1 continues to grow into pure Semitic Librarian Suckle Woo.
The coolest dogs know how to groove to acoustic guitar.
If I were you, I definitely would not click on a link that’s called Greek Banana Horse Crotch.
The Jersey Shore continues epic cash-generating douchebag merchandising. The DB1 is not paid residuals.
Ladies, if you ever want to make your man happy, dress as Judy Jetson. Judy Jetson was hot. But Jane was milfy.
But you are not only here for milfy Jane Jetson. You are also here for pear:
Pear that sends soldiers into war on the dreams of a whiff of hiney wipe.
