Douche McDingle: Your Host For HCwDB – After Dark(Sock) Edition
Douche McDingle and his little friend Penny Pearbottom called to say “But…butt…DarkSock…Where’s the Pear?”
It’s right here, you backsliders.
Pear doesn’t just grow on trees, you know…
OK; I will sprinkle you with just one more.
It Must Eat Bran
Hoop-Ring Hilda beseeches you to join her write-in campaign compelling Grey Goose to offer a line of fiber-reinforced spirits.
If not for Constipated Carl…then for Pensive John Smallman, palely loitering in the background.
Caption This
Laundry Gimp’s Night Out?
Yeah, let’s keep the interactive thing goin’ this fine Tuesday. Click on the “comments” link below and share YOUR caption, hot shot…Yeah, I’m talking to you, faithful long-time lurkers…
TWO Word Tuesday
I can’t quite put my finger on it, but for some reason I’m thinking we’ll be using TWO words instead of the usual “One-Word Tuesday”, gentle readers.
Example – Swing Low…
As always, click on the “comments” link below (NOT the photo, unless you like the alternate universe thing…) to add your two cents. And by “two cents” I mean…well, you know…
Two Tickets to Pair O' Douche
Duckface Donna and Dutch-Angle Denise have just won the douche-lottery! It’s all fun and games with the San Diego Double-Douche Duo, until the gals realize that groin-baring Burt does not in fact have a sweet-ass stomach tattoo…just a gangrenous belly button caused by a stubbornly lodged Skittle.
Jack Smellington and his Korner Chameleons Disapprove of Vinnie DP's Loss to Enrique…
Escaped Laundry Gimp Jack Smellington disapproves of Enrique’s trouncing of his home-skillet Vinnie for the weekly, and to a lesser extent, so do his suicide grrlz.
However, after summarily dismissing this Incredible Sulk I would then offer to console Raven Mid-Riff and Raccoon-Eyed Susan with a good ol’ fashioned Kraft Mayonnaise rub-down, just like my Uncle used to give all us tykes before he was sent up to the Mississippi Nervous Hospital at Whitfield.
Now begone, Jack Smellington…nobody puts boobies in a corner.
HCwDB of the Week: Enrique and Paid-To-Pose Tammy
Well, kids…you know what the Blue Font means. DarkSock’s driving again.
Early this morning (’round 11:45 am…) I found the following note affixed to my front door much like Martin Luther’s 95 theses attached to the church door at Wittenberg on Halloween of 1517; although I doubt Martin Luther’s note was adhered using what appeared to be a strange mixture of vanilla yogurt and llama hair:
“SOCK…GOTTA GO TO LAOS…FIND MY LLAMA LLYNDA…BE BACK SOON – RUN THE SITE UNTIL I RETURN; NO NUDITY ON THE FRONT PAGE…AND SORRY FOR THE VOMIT”
I didn’t see the last part until too late. Ah well…needed new ebony socks anyway. Let’s get this boating excursion fired up! I’ll be your captain for the foreseeable future; what’s the worst that could happen? Unlike last time…
***
So, on to the Weeklies – I reckon it was pretty much between Vinnie DoublePump and Trust Fund Enrique.
While some felt Vinnie D.P. bordered on “nottadouche”, alert reader Sergeant Poop made the following astute observations:
“At first glance–to an amateur–Vinnie would appear to be a nottadouche. Upon further inspection, however, one sees a man who is wearing a belt, yet his pants are still far too low below the acceptable height. A wrist tattoo is also readily noticeable. Don’t forget about the gold necklace. And, ladies and gents, the icing on the cake–the double peace sign hand gestures.“
Well-said, Sgt. Poop. Vinnie D.P. is indeed a treacherous sleeper agent for all that reeks of Axe. However, let’s face it – in Enrique’s case, mofo’s got a see-through blouse on parted enough to show off his unearned dog tags; he is sporting a rojo chapeau, he’s wearing very unnecessary sunglasses indoors, has what appears to be a tiny functioning anus on his chin, and most damningly, he is in objectionable proximity to Kathy’s delightfully droopy dairy domes, dammit.
“CREE! CREE!”, cry the poopie birds on his gramma’s blouse. Well said, poopie birds. On to the monthly with you, Enrique.
Agree? Disagree? Have any idea where DB1 is, and when he might return? As always, waste yer keystrokes in the comments section.
Clownbaggery
No really.
Literal clownbaggery.
Too freaky for a Sunday morning? Then enjoy some Latina Spicey Champagne Katie Car Commercial.
Comment of the Week: Jacques Doucheteau
J.D. riffs on bosoms and wins the coveted HCwDB of the Week:
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Those invitingly sagging malted milk sacks remind me of my 4-H days, squeezing the teats on overinflated udders of 30+ head of cattle twice a day. I got pretty good with my aim too, able to hose down most anything within 6 ft and a 180 degree radius with any one of them four teats.
At youth fair time I’d be squeezing away until a small crowd of urban gawkers would gather “see where milk comes from”, hyuk, hyuk. When their incessant chattering and stupid questions like “does that hurt the poor cow?” became to much to bear, with a quick movement of my pinky finger I’d flip a teat up to horizontal faster than the eye could see, and send a stream of warm unhomogenized up some sap’s nose. I’d apologize profusely and claim that “these heifers udders are all full o’ holes from when we castrate them. In fact, we got some oyster chopping going on here in a few minutes. Y’all wanna stick around and see where yer McDonald’s cheeseburgers come from?” At which point they would quickly disband, much to my relief.
Now you’re probably thinking, what other kinds of fun did you have with cows all alone in the country as a sexually charged youth? Well it’s not what you think. I most certainly did NOT bottle feed calves and then quickly swap out the rubber nipple with my d@#k and latter regret that decision when they started teething in early summer.
Not even once.
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Friday Thoughts in Links
Thought I might retire the site when it turned six, but I’m still a’goin’. Can’t let up… so many ‘bags out there… must keep mocking…
Can’t take me down, ‘bags of the world!! I’m still here to mock you, and oggle your hotts!! So long as you’re Bodyspraying and bad-tatting and stupid-shirting, I’ll be here. To mock your sorry ass. And Pear.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB double-pack DVD Pick of the Week: “It appears as though you forgot our French fries and a coke, fishhead.”
The Bleething of England: Real Life Barbies
Remember craptastic website “The Dirty,” which began as a cheap HCwDB ripoff called “Dirty Scottsdale” back in late 2006? Back then, lead doucheblogger “Nik Richie” used to email me begging to link to his site. Now he’s engaged in lawsuits with lunatic cheerleaders. Don’t worry “Nik,” it’ll all pay off sooner or later. And by pay off, I mean not pay off.
In a new movie directed by Harmony Korine, James Franco plays HCwDB Whitetrashbag “Riff Raff.”
Signs Douchebaggery is entering new mutant variations in 2012: Nokia Patents a Vibrating Tattoo
Nodal douchesuck and the original “Von Douche,” Tommy Something-or-Other sells his Beverly Hills Mansion.
Herpster eyewear now a legal strategy.
My contribution to the decline of western civilization takes on generational impact.
File under “Drakkar Noir:” Bag Odor makes TSA Workers Sick
World Bank nominee Jim Yong Kim rocks out, Dartmouth Style. Kinda awesome.
Speaking of Asian people, Chinese Gangster’s Cell-Phone Pics Go Viral. And by viral, I mean the Asian Bird Poo.
But you are not here for Asian Bird Poo. You are here for Pear:
More than a touch Bleethy, but still uberchomp suckle spackle slap poochable.
