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Saturday, December 24, 2011
Christmas Bros and Kelly Say “Merry Christmas!”
Nothing says Christmas like aviator sunglasses at night and a tasty Bud Light Lime.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good HoHo.
Friday, December 23, 2011Christmas Thoughts and Links
Oh, Christmas.
You come but once a year. With bad 1950s music. And tiny plug-in lights on self-righteous houses. You bring dysfunctional alcoholic WASP families together to not speak authentically, and allow people to pretend they’re altruistic for a few weeks.
And you even brings HCwDB, Christmas style.
Site’s gonna be on reduced posting for the next few weeks, but I’ll be posting a’somethin’ every day to keep you on your toes.
As to this Christmas HCwDB pic, well hot damn, we have our first entrant for the 2012 “Douchiest Pose” Douchie Award, now don’t we. Or perhaps an entrant for my 2023 Guggenheim Show. Or Best Ass Pear? We shall see.
And yes, I missed the 2011 Douchie Award for Best Pear. But Best Pear will be handed out in a special New Years Douchie Award. So stay tuned.
In the meantime, enjoy your holiday linkage. It goes well with Christmas dinner and family dysfunction. And while I’m not a Christian, and therefore tend not to celebrate holidays with “Christ” in the name, some of my best friends are Christians. They’re very glad to meet me. And they have stock tips. And are very polite. And enjoy alcohol.
Here’s your Christmasy Links:
Your HCwDB Holiday DVD: “This ain’t no Chinese menu, jagoff! I tell YOU how it’s gonna be. This is pricks fix!”
Bags R’ Us is on Facebook. Of course it is.
Lawyers. The new douchebags. Or perhaps the old ones.
Ice Cube brings architectural appreciation O.G. style.
Sometimes, when you’re bored and living in Nigeria, it’s time to just sing about vagina.
The shitfest of a website that is “Holy Taco” continues to rip off my writing style and douche-humor without so much as a link back. I can’t tell which site I hate worse, Holy Taco, The Dirty, or The Chive. All are lame internet vampires that suck off the living.
Investment Banker Mike, spurned by a woman after a first date, writes her the creepiest and douchiest email of 2011.
Christmas rule: Never eat cocaine out of your brother’s butt. You could die. Especially if you’re Ricky Williams.
Don’t look at this. I told you not to look at that.
Christmas Rule #2: Don’t finger-bang a Chihuahua.
But you are not here for Chihuahua finger banging. Well, perhaps you are. But either way, you’ve been good. You’ve earned it.
Or, if you need a little more revelation in your stockings:
Mmmm… mattressy. Leave off the last “S” for suckle gnaw.
Merry something. Ho Ho HoHos.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011HCwDB of the Year: Gynochin and Brunette Rhea
Alas and alack we have a winner! And by winner, I mean scrotal damnation and eternal hellfire wrapped in a boobie burrito.
The voters have spoketh. And Gynochin and Rhea were the most toxic cohabit of the 2011 Hottie/Douchey era.
From their monthly victory back in February, and including Gynochin with Perky Peri and Gynochin and Rhea and Gynopenis Nose, theirs were a trip down douche-face hott wretchitude wrongness.
Special props to douche equis, who remembered that Gynochin also made two other fantastically douche-facey appearances on the site, first in late 2010 with Gynochin’s Having None of It and then in Friday Thoughts and Links Gynoface.
For extreme doucheyness in presence not just of Hott Rhea, but those other tasty purity hotts, this is a Yearly well earned.
‘Bag hunters, huntresses and boobie hottie suckle thighs, here are your 2011 Douchie Award winners (losers), and the authors of their mock:
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: Peter Pumpin’head and Mary Mammageddon (DarkSock)
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott: Hottie Heather (douche equis)
Douchiest Hand Gesture: He is Not the Greatest (tall guy)
Greasiest Grease Stain: Mister Zebracrotch(musicfanatic)
Most Trashcan to the Head Worthy: Gynochin (Medusa Oblongata)
Douchiest Hair: The Kennedy Headwound ‘Bag
The Ricky: Morty the Happy Rocker (Mr. White)
Froiest Fro: D.J. Froholio
Hottest Librarian Hott: Megan (The Dude)
Most Expensive First Date Hott: Champagne Katie (Doc Bunsen Honeydouche)
Most Euro Eurobag: Dieter Von Choaalsmark (The Reverend Chad Kroeger)
Douchiest ‘Bag Trend: The “Ink Dicky” (Mr. Scrotato Head)
Most Vegasy Vegasbag: Lancelot Boy Melvin (Choad the Douche Sprocket)
Mascot of the Year: Douchepug
The Douchebaguette: Tokidoki Barbie (Mr. Scrotato Head)
Best Haiku: darksock (idfma)
Douchiest Video of the Year: Lil’ Wang
Orangest Orange: Dieter
Douchiest ‘Bag Who May Be a Lesbian in Drag: Troll Dog (Wedgie)
The Yellowtail: Morty (Mandouchian Candidate)
Greatest Crisis of Modernity: The Cell Phone Bathroom Self Portrait (Hermit)
The John Largeman: Zen Beard Guy (Et tu Douche?)
Douchiest Douche-Face: Tighty Whitey Douche (doucheywallnuts)
Douchiest Facial Fung: Brothabag Leon (Douche Springsteen)
Most Annoying Rockerbag: Pukey Bowie (CB Popped)
Best Golden Globes #1: Tiny Dancer Maria
Best Golden Globes #2: Stephanie McGee
Herpiest Herpster: The Herpster
Douchiest Creature From Ancient Greek Myth: Poppa Squatter (Jacques Doucheteau)
Comment of the Year (Co-Winners): Hermit and Jacques Doucheteau (Wheezer)
Most Likely to be Part of the HCwDB Show at the Guggenheim Museum in 2023: Eros and Alterity
“Celebrity” HCwDB Couple of the Year: Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey (Vin Douchal)
Hottest Hott of the Year #1: Sucklechomp Amanda
Hottest Hott of the Year #2: Bikini Clara
Smells Like Poo: Quoth The Raven, “What a Douche!” (Creature)
And, for lifetime contributions to the dark arts of douchebaggery in presence of Hot Chick, your 2011 Irving G. Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Smoot
Funny, funny shizz, a tip of the URC to all who participated in the 2011 Douchie Awards. Most triumphant.
If you have some extra time this holiday season, I highly recommend going back and rereading some of these posts. For the comedic linguistic deconstructions by the regulars who handed out these awards are superlative. And boobie hottie suckle thigh redux is bonus.
Lets not forget our 2011 class of entrance into the hallowed Hall of Mock for meritorious service in the comments thread:
Hermit
tall guy
Chris in ‘Baghdad
Douchble Helix
the douche is alright
Nancy Dreuche
Choad the Douche Sprocket
Stephanie
The Dude
Dude McCrudeshoes
Sir David Douchenborough
And infrequent commenters but powerhouse submitters of some of the great pics of the past year,Il Douché and Bag A.
There were at least twenty to twenty-five more quality A-Level regs who merited consideration, so a tip of the URC to all those who make the threads the main thing that keeps me powering through year after year.
Well, there it is. Enjoy. Revel. Appreciate the 2011 Douchie Awards, for they is done.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Smoot
We’ve inducted The Gator. We’ve inducted Fish Slap. Donkey Douche. And The King.
Now, there is the legend, and former HCwDB of the Year winner: Smoot.
We’ve seen Smoot as recently as earlier this year, but his phenomenal run of douchal supremacy was vintage 2009. Like the careers of Sandy Koufax, Orson Welles or Corky from “Life Goes On,” Smoot’s was a career as brilliant as it was short. But Smoot’s reign was fully epic and completely stellar.
And by stellar I mean shoe fung.
Witness the run:
The Smoot Legend begins, followed by
Smoot Voted
Smoot Point
Smoot Operator
Smoot Freakshow
Smoot Sayer
Smoot Voted
Stoic Smoot
Smoot Voted Again
Smoot with The King
Smoot Laughs at Robopud
Smoot Still Says Grooooo
Smoot Wishes You a Contemplative Memorial Day
And, of course, Neandersmoot and The Lumpy Professor Smoot.
That, my friends, is a run of douchery in presence of hot chick worthy of a lifetime achievement award.
The 2011 Irving G. Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award for contributions to the dark douchal arts goes to Smoot.
Now take a scoliosis curved bow, Mr. S, and leave Crystal’s popsicle tongue to me.
Monday, December 19, 2011Smells Like Poo: Quoth The Raven
Creature hands out the 2011 Douchie Award for Smells Like Poo:
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by the good graces of our fearless leader & boss DB1 I am here today to bestow the dishonour of the Douchey for the chategory of Smells Like Poo… the nominees are:
from January 6 It’s Shark Week! a tighty gym short wearing tattbag who appears to be throttled in technocolour, toting around his own personal skin sack of social disease…one would only hope the shark was eating it’s way off this man’s torso
April 14 featured Captain Lubing & Tracey Gnaw a bumbling bum pirate who apparently infects comely midshipwomen by osmosis…toss him over with the anchor!
May 6 gave us the unforgetable Choad Runner a droopy pant, undie poke, colour skin pallette, red-eyed drunken zombie douche…is he human?
and finally, from September 7 we were “treated” to Quoth the Raven a slime sheened rockerbag putz…may those birds be hungry & feast on his rotted soul!
and the winner of the 2011 Douchey in the Chategory of Smells Like Poo is… Envelope please… Bleech it’s contents truly smell like an Etruscan sewer swamp on limburger ravioli night!…
Quoth the Raven!
…that steaming pyle of bird shiite….his appearance creates HAVOC!
…he smells so bad circling flys die…he smells so bad skunks cry…he smells so bad Fabreeze made a new scent “Anti-Raven”…if you kick him you must scrape him off your shoe!…get me some oxygen STAT!
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Hottest Hott of the Year #2: Bikini Clara
Just barely edging the taught thights of Oiled Up Sophie, Bikini Clara wins the coveted Hott of the Year for purity of smile and milky drinkable body. In fact I would posit if she’d kept her natural boobs, she’d have won in a buttslide. As it is, the “enhancements” actually detract from the overall hottness, and that’s how you know you’re dealing with a true hott winner.
As The Dude put it:
Bikini Clara, because she makes an otherwise potential nottadouche into a fishslap candidate just for being that close to her.
For hers is the face of an angel.
And the Groin Shave Reveal of a culture that traffics in amoral vice and spiritually destructive hedonistic degradation.
Happy Hannukah!
Monday, December 19, 2011Hottest Hott of the Year #1: Sucklechomp Amanda
Chalk up a victory for the purity of a great smile, an angelic, innocent glow, and glammy gnobs of fondle boob spectacularity.
From back in August, we debated whether Sunset Dusty was a ‘Bag/Nottabag.
But we did not debate the Sucklechomp Purity of Amanda.
For hers are gloriousness in strangely silver forearm bracelet perfection.
A barely legal vision of a better tomorrow, a more hopeful future, and viable wombs to preserve the human race when the ninja robot war begins.
Sunday, December 18, 2011Best Golden Globes #2: Stephanie McGee
Fake? Perhaps. But doe-eyed confusion and perky swole are enough to take the prize, as the voters gave these globes the globes.
Or, as Baron Von Goolo put it:
She looks like Micheal Chiklis and Vin Diesel are fighting to put on the same tank top.
Sunday, December 18, 2011“Celebrity” HCwDB of the Year: Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey
Vin Douchal hands out the 2011 Douchie Award for douchiest Celebrity Coupling of the Year:
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After playing an hour of “Ignite People On Fire” online while zonked on Vicodin I realized there will be no appearance by any of the Kardashians to victimize so I exited.
This led me to some investigating into the year past for “The Douchiest Celebrity Couple”.
Sure “The Bieber” was front and center. Ashton Kutcher gave up the hottest piece of ass in Hollywood for a night with a Woo Girl. And even though the vitriol spewed here for Russell Brand and Katy Perry has been absolutely toxic, I kind of like each of them individually.
No this year there is a certain couple that has become an infested boil on our consciousness in a subtle, yet effective, way kind of like leaning to the side while sit-farting to silence it but the stench still permeates.
I speak of Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey
Theirs is a romance of stepping in poo not once but with both shoes. Sure, when Mariah first hit the scene umpteen years ago her talent was evident. I distinctly remember the photo on my daughter’s cd . Mariah with her tousled hair, perfect full body pose seductively profiled holding a microphone stand . Since then she has insultingly called her fans, “lambs” and her material tanked once ex-Tommy Mattola ( he of the nuclear precision ability to spike an artist’s career arc) rid himself of her brand of lunacy.
Cannon ruined the kids show, “All That”, on the Nickelodeon Network. Some talented young people went to careers after this show. Keenan and Kel, Amanda Bynes, comedian Gabriel Inglesias are the most notable. As they left, the replacements were brought in. The show came to a screeching halt whenever replacement Nick Cannon was on the screen.
Such horrible sketches as “Sweaty Spice” , who was one of the Spice Girls, “Latanya”, a mini-mart cashier and the worst but aptly named, “Boring Man” then “Dr. Maybe”, an obvious and unfunny attempt at Dr No. My daughter and I never watched again…
Fast forward to today. Nick Cannon is still pooping all over the place. His is a Seinfeld Show-like career of doing nothing, entertaining that is. His music is fer sh#t, his stand-up comedy is fer sh#t, his radio show is fer sh#t and he is the American Idol Seacrest-type character for “America’s Got Talent” , a program that showcases people with no talent so he is uniquely qualified. Mariah has spent years yo-yoing her weight like Kirsty Alley binging on crack then Krispy Kremes.
The evidence is apparent even rampant against this year’s “Douchiest Celebrity Couple”.
Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey are so into themselves, so full of virus that I give them the nod for Grieco and Bleeth that most represents the reprehensible:The Douchiest Celebrity Couple of 2011”.
I beseech all supermarket magazines to stop talking about and photographing these two, especially with their new twins. Like a bee buzzing around your Night Train nightcap at sunset, if you ignore it will go away. They are said bees
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Saturday, December 17, 2011Most Likely to be Part of the HCwDB Show at the Guggenheim Museum in 2023: “Eros and Alterity”
As many of you already know, the year 2023 will see my visionary breakthrough work as a multi-platform transnational artist working in abstract digital expressionism via found media transmogrification finally codified by the academy with my first major show at New York’s Guggenheim Museum.
As a liberating artistic visionary who has profoundly changed both the medium and the message in the mass/age, I felt it was my duty to begin to privilege certain images that I’ve recontextualized into art. As HCwDB has moved from the underground, to the avant-garde, to literature and television, and towards eventual canonization by the literati, this process becomes increasingly important for academics and historians.
This year’s winner of the 2011 Douchie Award for most likely to be part of my art show is what I’m titling: “Eros and Alterity.”
Let this work stand with my finest artistic creations as a multimedia artist working in the found art platform of Dada-esque recodification.
For it is beauty poo.
Additional entrants will include Ferrari Owner With Small Peen, The Bedouin Riders, King Creeper, Speedo Shot First, and The Unifying Principle.
