Celebubag
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Monday, September 18, 2023
- An early HCwDB Appearance
- Readers debating Cookbaggery in 2008
- Cookbag mocking ‘the haters’ in 2008
- Even more of this fratmongering rhesus chimp as his career faded in 2010
(NOT) BREAKING: Russell Brand is a douchebag
The latest news about this odious toxic spew of a greasy celebubag is about as surprising as finding out Bill Maher routinely hires prostitutes or that Jared Leto likes underage girls.
Oh wait, those stories haven’t broken yet, have they.
Here’s what I wrote when a reader asked me about Brand and I decided he deserved Honorary Douchebag of the Month back in March of 2009. Yep, his toxic wankpuffery has been around that long.
Hello DB1,
Wondering if you had any good pictures of rising douchewanker Russell Brand.
A British comedian that looks like the spawn of a known scrote Mystery from that reality TV show. He’s like the Dane Cook of the UK to be exact. Well it looks like Comedy Central is giving him his own Comedy Central Presents. Least to say I’m already annoyed by his post-baroque hair style and series of unfunny quips. I’d like to hear your wise commentary on this one particular douche.
Thanks,
Jeff
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Much like puds Dane Cook and John Mayer, Russell Brand attempts to use a sly self-knowing ironic framework with which to justify the authentobaggery at work at his core.
This is no excuse.
The primping, preening invocation of 19th Century British “Dandy” culture enrages both Benjamin Disraeli and Oscar Wilde. It is nostalgia repurposed as originality under guise of danger, yet it is none of the three. Attempts to use a humor framework to justify the “game” is simply another game, and is to be denounced as such.
Even worse, Brand spends many interviews talking about how many women he bangs, then undercuts the bravado by framing it as a form of “shtick,” in reference to his screwed up childhood. Using biographical trauma as justification for a desire to get laid? Even worse.
If you want to get laid, get laid, Brandbag. Just don’t annoy the rest of us with your compulsive neediness, then perform like it’s all an “act.” It’s not. You’re turtle feed in the aquarium of Hollywood mirror culture. Yet neither Cuff nor Link want to consume you. So slowly dissolve in the water by the marbles.
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Friday, August 5, 2022Dane Cook Singlehandedly Revives Hot Chicks with Douchebags
Seeing this crusty toe fungus of a 50 year old choadbucket announce his engagement to his “long-time” 23 year old girlfriend is just about enough to motivate your hapless narrator to stumble out of a Night Train and HoHos induced nine year coma and post again on HCwDB.
For those that read this site back in the halycon days, Cookwank was a long time source of douchemock.
No surprise to find this bloated simulation of an actual comedian returning to the (un)hallowed halls of mock on this site.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the Studio City Erewhon to oggle Real Housewives and buy a seven dollar cold brew.
Monday, September 13, 2021Looks Like Our Work Here is Not Done After All
Footbag A.J. McCarron and his Wife Confirm The Existential Vortex of a Soulless Universe
Proving the old Knute Rockne adage that the harder you play the game the more your douchey-ass tatts make nearby ferrets upchuck their partially digested acorn seed, Footbag A.J. McCarron is currently married to this delightful slice of Key Lime Hottpie.
Bro Ted in the background does not deserve to be caught in the photographic crossfire of this missmatched coupling atrocity.
Throw the flag! Ten yard holding penalty! And various other sundry football euphemisms involving tight ends and penetration draw plays that should be readily apparent to even the most novice ‘bag hunter or huntress.
But your humble narrator will not resort to such lazy verbiage. For ours is a classy website replete with only original humor.
So let me merely say that this A.J. is the douchiest A.J. since O.J. D.J’d for Jay-Z by playing the Beatles’ Blue Jay Way.
Yeah.
Okay then.
Now you know why I update HCwDB less frequently than a Hugh Hefner bowel movement.
Uhm.
Yeah.
Wanna play cards?
Thursday, June 25, 2015Someone Named Ariana Grande Wants You to Stop Judging Her For Dating Douchebags
A few weeks ago someone named Ariana Grande, who may or may not be a Starbucks promotion coupon code, complained that people need to stop judging celebrities based on who they’ve dated.
Apparently this ambulatory entertainment product has spent the past few years coupling with a series of pre-packaged plastic drone boy toy veneers shrink wrapped for mass consumption. And now she doesn’t like it when the internet gets mean. In a rant in some form of social media, this person of whom I have no idea (Disney princess? Heir to Kombucha Tea fortune?) complained thusly:
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“I can’t wait to live in a world where people are not valued by who they’re dating / married to / attached to… but by their value as an individual… I have clearly not been having the boy questions in my interviews lately because I have come to the realization that I have SO. MUCH. MORE. to talk about… I’m saying this after literally eight years of feeling like I constantly had to have a boy by my side. After being on my own now for a few months I am realizing that that’s just not the case.”
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There’s some other stuff in there about activism and gender roles, but I’m too lazy to retype it.
That being said, allow me to retort. Because we here at Hot Chicks with Douchebags like to stay up on current events in our quarterly half-assed posts.
Reducing public gossip/criticism to a reductive form of gender politics offers a slap in the face to the very real problem of systemic bias within the language and codes of patriarchal traditions. It is the pseudo-intellectual whine of privilege. It does damage to the real cause it claims to support.
When a young performer chooses to enter the Foucauldian panopticon of new media ludicrousness, they make an implicit contract to perform as a dancing/dating/drinking/partying rhesus monkey grinding the organ grinder for the hordes of the unwashed.
This is not to excuse the venom and personal attacks that dominate the bottom-scraping chum tank of reprehensibility that defines the New Media wasteland.
It is only to observe that criticism comes with the perks of fame and fortune, as Gandhi once said. Every celebrity has learned this painful lesson since Clara Bow sucker punched Hedda Hopper at Hearst’s Brown Derby blowout back in the 20’s.
So let it be venti. So let it be done.
Saturday, January 10, 2015Breaking: Tom Jones is a Tangerine
The proper caption for this image is:
A) “It’s not unusual to be bronzed by anyone…”
B) What’s New, Skincancer? Whoooa whooa whoooohaaa…”
C) “She’s marmalady… whoa whoa whoa… she’s marmalady.”
D) “I just want your extra time and your…. Sunkist.”
Answer now!
Monday, August 20, 2012Douchey Feldman Approves of the HCwDB of the Week
From the pinnacle of Hollywood success to see-through rayon douche poses with hot chicks in just under three decades.
So it goes from the days of wine and roses.
Monday, July 30, 2012Axl Oldey Approves of the HCwDB of the Month
Rockstar Leniency Rule never dies.
It just starts to shout at kids to get off its lawn.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012Bath Salts Hugh Jackman Says…
“Oi, mate! I don’t know where I is! I’m Wolverine! You like my Sheila? She came with the Sony gift bag after a private taste-makers screening of ‘Magic Mike’! Ain’t life grand?”
Thursday, June 21, 2012Bath Salts Hugh Jackman Reaps the Benefits of Stardom
Then again, is Bath Salts Hugh Jackman really interested?
Blonde Model Premium Super Mayan Eye of Coitus is reserved only for celebrities. The bouncer is now asking you to leave.
