HCwDB of the Week
-
Monday, May 17, 2010
HCwDB of the Week
Our last Weekly before the next Monthly, and it’s a good one. Last week was a surprisingly potent blend of HC and DB. The choices were hard to cull to three. But cull I must. So lets crank up this here place and get on our Mock. Bring it.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Night Oranger and Chrissie
What more can be said about a shirtless orange dude sporting camel toe? Only this: Mother Theresa can suck it.
There is no God.
Hashem hates us.
Ganesh was like, “Yo, I’m out.” Can’t blame you, Ganesh.
And poor Chrissie. Despite the strange makeup and granny undies, she’s pure like snowflake. Innocent and boobuous. Although perhaps of stumpy legs.
But I like stumpy legs.
Together, they make HC/DB AC/DC. I don’t know what that means. But I’m hung over and in the East Village today, and New York smells like lilacs and garbage.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Yo Jimbo and the Kuyuko Girls
And lets not forget the sequel: Yo Jimbo Finds Tampopo
In the realm of the senses, this pic smells, tastes, looks, touches, sounds and senses ghosts like poo.
The Seven Samurai just up and quit, took their swords and went back to their villages.
Miike just made a 90 minute hi-def handheld video about poop. It didn’t have anything to do with this pic. It’s actually just his new film ,”I Reject Your Elitist Attempt to Call me An Auteur.”
I have no idea what I’m writing.
Did I mention I’m hung over and in New York? The urbanite young femmes tempt me with miniskirt and coquettish pout.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Nicole and the Cabbage Face
A rare Saturday HCwDB pic to make the finals, there’s just something about this pic that rankles me.
It’s the face. The Cabbage Face needs a team of angry Liliputians armed with matchstick pitchforks to go to town on his nads until society is sure he won’t reproduce.
Did I just embrace Eugenics as a systemic ideology of social good?
Yes. Yes I did.
And Nicole is pure pouty talcum bottom goodness.
Her voice is high pitched and nasal, but I don’t care. And I read her the Bernstein Bears before gnawing upon her ankles while cranking Bad Brains on her iTunes.
(Dis)honorable mention to the bohoemeth that is Hulk Brogan, The O-Face, The Jenga Crew, the perfect six-pack of boobs in Billy has a Thought, and the toxic Billy Corsican, who’s bunny was just too paid-to-pose to qualify as true HCwDB.
Hmmm. Note to self: Overuse of “Billy” as a name.
And then there’s Pumpito. Who is safely ensconced in our Closet of Poo, and will not be mentioned again. Yeesh.
Smell the toxicity of pud and ubergnaw of boobies, and then make your choice, as always, in the comments thread.
Vote now, fellow ‘bag hunters. We must mock together, or we will surely mock alone.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010HCwDB of the Week: Lint Diesel and Curvy Carrie
There are many hottie/douchey cohabits. But Orange Groin Shave Reveal (OGSR) and curvie booby drunkenness makes for a Weekly landslide. The voters speak:
bigphatnotadouche: Limp Diesel for the weekly – He’s got a Hott rubbing up on him and he’s trying to lick his own nipples. Plus his mom wrote his name on his underwear. What a douche.
Wheezer: Her white dress symbolizes what I hope is truly an unspoiled nature, though I doubt the Shout is going to remove the orange grease stains mucking it up from Lint’s dry humping. The Favreau sidekick is too drunk to realize that Happy Hogan isn’t the goddamn Batman, but that “extra” sock that’s missing its partner…..how apropos. Leave him on the dryer.
SauceOfTheDouche: While Kimberly’s orbs fascinate me with their perfect form and shading, I’ve got to go with the Lint Diesel and his almost equally hot Hott for the win (loss). LD’s lame attempt at auto-fellatio is just sad. His lovely Hott seems to think the shaven nubbin is warming up for her, poor thing. I dearly hope Batman rescues the lovely Hott before it gets too sticky…
the motley douche: Cast my vote on the weekly for Lint Diesel. The hair, the shirt raise (which, btw, I submit should be grouped with gsr as an automatic sign of the scrote virus) and the MJ tongue…it’s all there. This guy is a poster boy for douche. He is even beyond the help of his notadouche Favreau buddy over there.
doucheywallnuts: Lint Diesel FTW. One of the forgotten traits of a douchebags is narcissism, and as you can see from Lint’s attempt of auto-fellatio, narcissism is strong in this one. He also brings to the table the other douchebag requirements – the outfit, the hair, the groinshave, the abs, etc – even though Jon Favreau-douche is moving in on his hott.
Et Tu Douche?: Lint Diesel ftw, he is all that is douchebaggery (GSR, pants unbuckeled, multiple earings in one lobe, etc) If you look at the pic he seems more intent on staring at his ab’s then at the Hott’s curvaceousness.
Alex: This pic combines ethereal hott shining past orange douchosity in an intriguing display of moral goodness triumphing over evil. I want to share French cheeses and Belgian beers with her–explaining how the beer compliments and contrasts the salty, funky, creamy elements of the cheese. She is all that is good in the world. LD is everything that is wrong with modern society.
Douchey the Great: Lint Diesel FTW. As John McLaughlin would say, this is metaphysical doucheitude. the look, the clothes, the attitude, it’s all there. All that’s missing is my steel-toe boot in his Diesel.
Ultra Bagnus: Lint Diesel, for he combines the worst of all worlds. GSR, open fly, gay fake tan, stupid blowout hair, dumb face (w/ the presence of toungebaggery), and the ever-present douche bling. It doesn’t get much worse than Lint… except maybe for Donkey Douche
g0dluvsugly: The tertiary elements of douchebaggery elements of are also clearly present. Fake Tan: Check, Hair Gel Faux Hawk Sculpture: Check, Multiple Ear Piercings plus assorted Jewelry Adouchrement: Check.
DarkSock: Lint Diesel; why? Because he’s a ball-gazer; a sac shearing shrimp; because his hott’s harder than unlubed knee sex, and mostly because Jon Favreau should just know better.
Anthony LaBaglia: Gotta go with Lint. The boy sure is douche, thru-and-thru. But that’s not why I’m voting for him. Nor is it because he has the hottest chick. Greg the Groin’s girl is pure salad-tossing goodness.
saulgoode42: Lint. Because he wants to lick his own naughty bits.
Troy Tempest: Lint is such a massive douchebag his bellybutton begs for death. “pweeeeeze – kiw me now mister! My mommy said this is a baaaad deal!” And the rare ass white cup nods in agreement – “Yes little button. It is a bad deal. I am full of poison, murdering the unborn. You are but a widder biddy button. Don’t worry child – it will be over soon…” Lint FTW
The Blessed Scrotini: Lint Diesel. The hott is all hott this week but the douche is on completely different levels and Lint wins/loses them all.
MoeDouche: Lint Diesel FTW! No questions about it this time. He has the complete package. By package I mean that hottie is now burning a silhouette AssPear on my LCD monitor. Grrrrrrr!
Bag Margera: Orange, bald-chested, diamond-ear spiky-hair party troll + curvy impressionable miniskirt + sticking tongue out ambigously at shirt, hottie, and chest, while having a grope-a-thon with bat-broheim, = an unholy trinity of disgusting.
RAPETIME: Lint seems to have lost all neural control over his bodily functions, as evinced by his dangling tongue, closed eyes and tilted head, so he gets my vote right there. This is the Special Olympics, right? It’s hard to be a winner when you’ve blown out your brain stem, kids. Ask Bret Michaels.
Douchelips: Lint has the hated GSR, pants unbuttoned, Diesel underwear showing, bling, and spiky hair. Plus his hott looks like she’s on roofies. And lint is more toxic than a Nevada nuclear waste dump
Amerigo Vesdouchey: Lint because the son of a bitch just brought back my hangover. He should be strung up by his nethers.
Father Guido Sardouchey: Lint Diesel for the win (loss) over ambiguously gay Greg and post-plane-crash Buddy H. Not only does Lint appear to be more interested in autofellatio than in smokin’ hot Carrie, but his scrotal aura is so strong that it violates FCC regualtions for radio interference.
scrotum pole: Of course, Lint Diesel gets the win. He’s directing his imbecelic tongue-lick at his own junk, while ignoring the near-perfection of The Unnamed Hott, ( who is so liquored and stoned she probably doesn’t remember much of that night.) Jon-Favreau-Batman-shirt is the picture of absolute irrelevance, and I’m sorry I even had to mentioned him.
Precisely and scalpel-ly dissected, good work team. Lint D is both classic douche and 2010 innovator in one greasy explosion of taint. And Carrie is gnaw. Coming in a solid but distant second, Groin Shave Reveal Greg and the Missiles of Kimberly:
Jacques Doucheteau: I would pay a 400 lb Samoan my entire salary to tear my testicles off with his bare hands and feed the to a starving wombat for the opportunity to go back in time to 1978 and beat to death some random 12 year-old on a banana board wearing a similar shirt as Kimberly. I would lie to her that there’s a 2-for-1 sale for body mists at Victoria’s Secret just to see that excitable look on her face, and then gnaw quietly on the corner of her pink Liz Claiborne handbag whilst she was briefly distracted. F’ing boobies!
End the Haberdouchery: GSR Greg and Kimberly. Two star-crossed lovers with sculpted chests and abs, standing on beer cans. I bet three people got herpes in those woods that weekend. Boobs.
Deltus: Holy gazongas! I’d scrub clean the cabins at that camp with my own toothbrush for the chance to sniff the cot she slept in three weeks ago for 2 minutes.
The Big Lebagski: Greg is not the biggest douche of the three but white pleather belt to accentuate the groin shave reveal is enough, especially when coupled with Boobies. Kimberly boobies is boobies enough boobies to carry the boobies for the win boobies.
mr.reeve: Kimberly and her perfect boobies get the vote. Greg’s obvious manscaping shows he is in love with himself so much he probably has no true appreciation of the hottness Kimberly radiates. Greg’s near junk reveal shows that Greg loves him some him.
And a distant third place finish for the paradox of Buddy Holla, with two Hall of Mockers weighing in:
Mr. White: I’m going with Buddy Holla and Peggy. Buddy based his whole look on Henry Rollins after his first cousin played part the first two tracks off of “Damaged” for him that one time. He doesn’t actually own the album, though.
Steve L.: Lint Diesel gets bonus points for trying to fellate himself and Carrie gets bonus points just for being a lookalike of Anthony LaBaglia’s slut from hell, but as i suggested last week, i would vote for Buddy Holla if he makes the weekly. so i am contract bound to do just that. i’m sure the bastard tatted the contract in question somewhere on his body.
Indeed, I thought Buddy Holla would get more votes and Peggy is an underrated hott. But this was Orange GSR time and Curvy Carrie, plus Favreau douche. Lets let Paul Muad’douche, the Kwisatz Scroterach take us home:
Lint Diesel is a douche wrecking ball so odious he has to show off his brand name underwear. Check out the signifiers: ridiculously orange skin, no sign of extraneous body hair, the prominently displayed tongue, the groin shave reveal that is the alpha and omega of the proof we have of GSR Greg’s douchiness, and a navel stud. Seriously. A navel stud. Let that particular commitment to scroteosity sink in for a moment.
OK, so LD doesn’t rock the mandana or an abundance of bad tattoos, but that just means that he has untapped reserves of scrote within him. And whilst the curvaceous (and likely roofied) Sarah does not have the pneumatic rack you bring to the table, Kimberly, she still has a first class bumper and is hot enough to make me change my religion.
Well said and an excellent comments threads, props to all who posted for another solid round of mock dissection. Lets slot in Lint D and Carrie (and Favreau) for the Monthly. And your humble narrator for Frosted Flakes.
Monday, May 10, 2010HCwDB of the Week
An interesting shmorgasboard of smoked ‘bag on the menu for this week, along with three quality hott pockets. But whom shall pass and whom shall be mock?
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Groin Shave Reveal Greg and Kimberly
Bringing beboobsification to the table in large twin helpings of flesh manifest, GSRG and Kim are real-world HCwDB toxicity. Not megabag. But the kind you went to summer camp with and watched make out during s’mores time and before lights out with the hottest girl from Senior Bunk.
But is Greg truly douchey enough to hold up his side of the boobosity?
Shirtless, blingy, with groin reveal and hat tilt are all douchey traits.
But Greg’s non-threatening. Harmless. Just a wanksta pud. Hardly an uberdouche. Can we call him a Weekly winner?
We can if we consider Kimberly.
Boobsy boobsouous sonorous fondle fondle.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Buddy Holla and Peggy
Buddy Holla brings a strange mix of tattfreak and nerd to the Weekly.
Peggy Sue brings potential librarian zombie spank gameplay to the H.C. side of the ledger.
And no, I have no idea what a “librarian zombie spank” would consist of. But I know it’d be naughty. And involve radishes.
A Buddy Holla and Peggy vote for HCwDB would mark a continuation of the 2010 veering of spectacle into the age of what we call the “Carny ‘Bag.”
A “geek” in both senses of the term.
And Peggy Sure is naughty laundry girl. Her shirt smells of Febreze and that top shelf premium Woolite detergent.
Like a Seals and Croft summer breeze, she makes you feel fine. Rolling through the canyons of your something something.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Lint Diesel
Curves + Drunkeness plus Orange Groin Shave Reveal = Weekly Finalist. But enough to emerge as Weekly winner (loser)?
While Jon Favreau pimps Iron Man 2 in the retro Batman t-shirt, Lint Diesel busts his game. He is so not money and he does not even know it. He’s like the douche in the rated R movie.
But I am not here to make gratuitous Swingers references.
No, not even in the Age of Enlightenment.
I am here to give you three Weekly HCwDBs to vote for.
Now you must make your choice. Which of these three deserves a slot in the HCwDB of the Month?
(Dis)honorable mention to Fruffy Pants, and the perfection of gnaw that is Party Girl Helene, who both just missed the cut.
And, of course, we all hailed the ubersquat that is Pumpito. Who even without Hot Chick deserves HCwDB appreciation for filling both roles with his giant man boobs.
If you haven’t created a profile yet, move it beyoch, and then vote for your candidate in the threads. Or you can still vote anonymously if you must
Lots of votes makes your humble narrator happy.
Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010HCwDB of the Week: Old Bernie Schwartz and Kendra
In a close race with the odious Jack Skullington, the tri-vag chin pubes of Oldbaggery and tasty blonde innocence of Old Bernie and Young Kaylie were too strong to overcome. The voters speak:
doucheywallnuts: Bernie Schwartz. When in doubt go with the douchebag wearing the Members Only jacket.
curbyourendouchiasm: Bernie Schwartz because ‘pathetic and old’ is waaaay underrepresented here on HCwDB in the weekly and the monthly. I know there’s representation, but it’s thin, we need to flesh it out, and this greasy tool is a really good way to do that. My man should be at his (grand)kid’s soccer game or something.
opie sardonicus: Gotta be Old Bernie and Kendra ftw. Bernie’s geometric spray-on trident of “I can be sold ANYTHING” hair takes one’s focus away from the rest of his pudgy presence. A mixed blessing. And Kendra is fetching in a generic blondy-with-dark-roots bad girl way. But this is Bernie’s show, no mistake. He reeks.
Douche Dastardly: Some are born douche some achieve doucheness and then there are those that regress back to douche. From grown man to poo. Bernie was your average man with a mortgage once. But that all changed the day he put on that first Ed Hardy shirt and transformed himself into the wrinkly poo before us now. Designer jeans masking old balls… Sigh
Scroberto Baggio: Old Bernie Schwartz. Although I sincerely hope, that it’s just Dustin Hoffman using method acting to portray the most sad and tragic onscreen character of his career.
Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky: Seriously, Bern? A Paisley mandana? And what the Hell is up with the zippers everywhere? In the words of Senor Chang from “Community,” “Dude, even I know you’re lame – and I’m a tenured professor sitting in a bean bag chair.”
dicy: I’m going to go with Old Bernie Bag and Kendra. His chin pubes haunt my soul and Kendra is just oh so sweet.
Jimmy: Gotta go with Old Bernie and Kendra. She is angelic hottness and he is 40 year old recently divorced douche who just got a new makeover from his gay buddy Bruce
Architeuthis Dux: Bernie and Kendra illustrate the ultimate dichotomy in age, physical appeal, and ability to incite my desire to engage in one or more of the seven deadly sins.
Vin Douchal: Facial hair doesn’t sprout out like this on it’s own. It must be conceptualized by a shameless puff with little regard or awareness of how ri-goddamndiculous he looks. And it’s ri-goddamndiculous make no mistake about it.
boatbutter: Bernie. As he gets older, the high school girls stay the same age.
end the haberdouchery: I vote for Bernie. Justin Timberlake aged like fine wine. Joey Fatone apparently aged like mayonnaise in the sun.
baleen: Bernie FTW, because oldbags never die, they just douche away. Of course, anyone with the balls to don a Hazmat jacket in the club deserves at least a bitch slap an so goes my vote.
mr.reeve: He’s so bad he’s good. Bad 80’s jacket, way too hot blonde on his arm and mandana. I wonder if he’s wearing white pants too???? You know what they say about white pants…….
douchesquire: OBS and Kendra. For the Members Only jacket alone, he should win. Add the mandanna and trifurcated chin pubes, there can be no other choice.
Mr. Scrotato Head: Bernie for the win. If you put the effort into making a coat out of your own sperm you’d look that pruney too.
Indeed you would, S.H. And I’m glad some classic oldbaggery won the Weekly. Saggy nads need to represent. Coming in a close second place, the turd blossum of Jack Skullington and Kaylie.
Claude Douchenburg: Skullington went to the crossroads and never looked back. His doucebagness, like his tats, will never go away, only fade. But Kaylie, OMG Kaylie, push away, push away the Jackdouche, break his weak embrace and come to me.
gooliano: At first i was thinking bernie, but after noting the Mercedes Benz tatty on skullingtons arm, he wins hands down!
Chris in ‘Baghdad: Jack Skullington is twice the bag and, unless appearances lie, twice as stupid. Which is always a nice plus. And Kaylie has that “come hither and do nasty things to me” look that is hard to ignore. The full mandana framing cro magnon low forehead sort of round it out for a piece de la resistence. Jack Skullington, Jack!
Skullington may have appeared on the site before, but a renewed chance to mock his ass does the world a service. Well said, team. Coming in third place, the arm douchery of Sperm Edwards and hottness of Trish, who may actually be Kendra:
bagnonymous: Trish is completely adorable–I wish she’d hug me like that. (Though I’d have to turn to the side a little bit so she wouldn’t feel my stiffy rumbling about.) Meanwhile, Spermy-E is infected with all sorts of smug baseball-bat-to-the-face clownishness. We must make sure that the smegma-tadpoles swimming up his arm die a fiery, yet disinfecting, death before being unleashed upon sweet, porcelain Trish.
douche scroets society: The choadface Sperm Edwards gets my vote, An exemplary example of douchely scrote, With that kissy lips face, Ed’s not lacking of charm, How could he not be with sperm tats on his arm?
E-blo’s Last Thought: Sperm and Trish for the strain they put on my paycheck and psyche for the remainder of the day.
Scrote Douche-N-Harmony: Sperm Edwards and Trish take this one, best explained in a stat line of Douche Pose Avg./Gear and Tats on Douche Pct./Hott Hotness Plus Evident Love of the Douche. Sperm and Trish are hitting: .354 / .440 / 1.015
The stats don’t lie, SDNH. But this is Oldbag’s week to shine. Lets let Chad Kroeger take us home:
I think an Aristotelian explanation of the philosophy of douche signifiers is in order this week. Mandana’s = hat tilt. Shiny jacket=tat sleeve x 2. Hand signs=bar bracelet=wrist stap. Sperm isn’t trying too hard. Oldbag is trying way too hard. Skullington is already a known nazi douchebag.Blonde=Blonde>dirty brunette.
Bernie Schwartz’s chin pubes and age inappropriate behavior make him a tragic hero. As Aristotle spoke of Bernie in Poetics.He is poo.
Well philosophized, C.K. In the immortal words of Ted “Theodore” Logan, all we are is dust in the wind, dude. Chalk up a rare Oldbag and Aryan Hott for the Weekly. And the DB1 for coffee.
Monday, May 3, 2010HCwDB of the Week
Three punk-ass beyoches hitting on gropey hotts enter. Only one may win (lose) the HCwDB of the Week.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Sperm Edwards and Trish
Appearing in Friday’s Thoughts and Links, Sperm Edwards may have appeared on the site before, as those sperm tatts haunt me like an undercooked pork burrito.
But regardless, this preening doucheclown deserves additional mock possibilities in the Weekly. And so we mock his sorry ass.
Trish sings the praises of cleanly clean chewable clean.
I would lick uponst her doilies at her Grandma’s house while she was out cleaning up after her scotch terrier took a poo on the front lawn.
Her laughter is melodic and mellifluous.
His face is soporific and superfluous.
But are they enough to win the Weekly? And don’t forget, high school readers, the S.A.T. retests are this week.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Old Bernie Schwartz and Kendra
Our second Weekly Finalist to arrive later in the week on the site, Old Bernie appeared as our Saturday post.
It’s rare for a Saturday Oldbag to make the Weekly, but Bernie’s ridic tri-vag chin pubes and sad saggy attempt to cling to the youth market is just too annoying not to deserve collective ridicule.
And Kendra. Yea, oh how I fondle thee.
We’ve had many Kendras appear in douche pics here at HCwDB. But this Kendra is as ivory snow 99 44/100% clean as Trish above. I would wash both softly in an old oak bathroom, and my face would have a lilt of poetic sadness, as if we were in a Vermeer painting.
But oh, that .66/100% dirrty is too juicy not to impeach Kendra’s peaches for dereliction of boobie.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Jack Skullington and Kaylie
Sure Jack’s appeared in the site years ago. But I’m instituting a new rule. If a classic HCwDB douche shows up again hitting on a new hott, and enough time’s past, they’re like new. Re-bro-n, if you will.
Kaylie is naughtier than the other hot chicks in contention this week.
And that’s both a good and a bad thing, depending on how you want your vote to go.
Skullington is classic West Coast Inland Empire shoe scrape. And for that, he deserves mock.
But enough to win the Weekly?
(Dis)honorable mention to Mr. Fromage, who was a little too absurdist to nominate, Danny Who Got Away With It, Dorothy and Toto Poo, and The Minibra, who just wants some more tasty cola beverages, bro.
Now it’s your time.
Which of these three couples is so hottie/douchey in cohabit that we should note them as our Weekly winner?
I need your help. If you don’t wanna vote as an anon, create a profile on the site.
Then vote, as always, in the comments thread to this post.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010HCwDB of the Week: Flex Luthor and Jennifer
It’s nice to see Classic Jerz Pud acting douchey in the presence of a tasty slice of hott pie get recognition. And by recognition, I mean enough mocking to win the Weekly. And by nice, I mean cultural nadsuck.
And lets not forget Flex and Jen #2. The voters speak:
Ted: Gotta be Flex Luthor FTW…. All three are offensive (though Suckerfish merely descends into “Village People” nimroddery), but after a week (or three) of pure freak shows, we need a return to normalcy, the kind best represented by a steroid takin’, Ed Hardy-wearin, fist-pumpin’ Goombah such as Flex.
Soy Bomb: Jennifer is wholesome whott while Flex is burnt, cut and a solid douchebag. I’ve seen his kind many a time here in South Bay, harassing helpless drunken beach hotties such as Jennifer here while I sulked in the background, shaking my head and milking another Zima. Congrats Flex! Nice hat. You suck.
Chad Kroeger: Flex Luthor. Flex breaths, eats, finds water, sex, sleep, and excretes, his homeostatic propensity is ambigous. And Flex Luthor is so wide he cannot get out of the bottom level of Maslow’s pyramid.
Douches Wild: I must endorse the OG form from this crew, FLEX, a skidmark in the pants of society and Jennifer, who radiates nuanced degeneracy and a connoisseurs swivel hips.
Tony Ventresca: I vote for Flex Luthor, because he looks just like the cartoon douchebag that is at the bottom-right of this comments page. I also vote for Jennifer, because she’s got the look I like but will never have, and because she’s got muscle on those upper arms (no matronly arms on this one!).
justadouchalo: Flex Luthor and Jennifer for the weekly. Flex for giving us tennisball bicep, eye makeup and stupid face. Jenn for giving us ‘most expensive first date’ and a troublesomely persistent burning sensation when we urinate.
DarkSock: Sumbitch is so wide he has to sleep in a cul de sac.
Whoop-di-douche: FLEX and his HOTTIE have the strength to wipe out the rest of the competition this week. And by strength I mean exhibitionistic testosterone poo-poo making whoopie with estrogenic woo-woo.
Crucial Head: He’s so wide he works part time as a concrete tilt-panel for an office building in Calabasas. In the evening he’s employed as a roof truss at the new Cowboy’s Stadium. He has to roll on the ground to get his clothes on. When he pumps weights on the bench press, he has to weld sixteen bars together and lay down on the tarmac of an aircraft carrier.
scrotum pole: Flex appears to have blown out blood vessels while flexing for his pic. I give him credit for the effort. I give Jennifer credit for her lovely smile and her fine, understated boobies.
Guy LaDouche: He makes me ponder whether to commit seppuku or deliver him to the woodchipper ala Fargo. She is a lovely dish of delicate creme brule that I wouldn’t tap with a spoon for fear of destroying the perfection of its creation.
Albert Eindouche: As the world turns and we find more and more disturbing examples of scrote there will always be a place for that base, nay, let’s say elemental douche that is the Jersey Guido. He is the harbinger of all that is black and sad. And by harbinger I mean “You STD riddled, roided out, sloped forehead having douchebag!”
Hong Kong Douchey: You could break up concrete with that beak on Flex and his cranium wouldn’t notice the difference. There is hope for Jennifer. If she is saved now she could be the hot mom in the suburbs who loves her kids and slightly nerdy husband completely since she knows what types of ‘bags are out there.
Snoop Douchey Bagg: Having just gotten back from a week of drinking and gambling and whoring in Vegas, (where the ‘bag virus has gotten so strong that now almost every hotel has its own in-house 24-hour tattoo shop), I’m going to vote for the old-school pud-wankery of Flex. Also, Jennifer makes my pants happy.
Medusa Oblongata: Gorgon Country is 100% behind Flex Luthor. From the neck up, he looks like Sylvester Stallone in full drag makeup. From the neck down he looks like a shaved bison. I pray a steroid-induced aneurysm keeps him from impregnating the lovely Jennifer, whose warm smile and firm, shapely biceps have be-slickied my undies.
Abdouchah the Butcher: I’m casting my vote for Flex & Jennifer despite the fact that Simona gets the nod for Hottest Hott. Flex has that uberchoad air of superiority and disdain for the hott, the smug & proud pursed lips of a truly choice ‘Bag. Flex Luthor & Jennifer FTW.
Exactly, nicely parsed, fellow hunters. And it’s important that while new ‘bag/hott formulation permutations like Jed the Creepy Wankscrote and Penny are mocked, the classic Jerz Pud still has a place at HCwDB. Coming in a close second, that ridic tatt of Crayon Gary and Simona:
Deltus: Gotta go with Crayon Gary and Simona on this one. He isn’t just a douchestain, he’s a stain on the fabric of humanity, on my very soul. Dumb fauxhawk, mandana, Skittles beads holding what I think is an infant pacifier (SRSLY?!?!), shirtlessness and, of course, the stupidest chest tatt I’ve ever seen. Simona is beautiful island/vaguely exotic hott perfection who knows she could ask you to do anything and you would. His touching her brings me to the greatest boiling point of rage and willingness to kill.
Bag Margera: Crayon Gary. I don’t think grubby e-tards get enough praise on this website. And by praise I mean castration.
mr. reeve: My vote is for Crayon Gary and Simona. #1 Simona is hot but she needs to be careful when she attends concerts in the California desert. Predator-Bag has been known to be looking for young hot latina girls…..aren’t we all though? #2 Wanna-B-Bag is totally irritating. This dick wants to be a douche but won’t commit. Do it or not Crayon Gary! No one likes a half ass effort for Christ sakes!
Jacques Doucheteau: Crayon Gary best represents existentialism in Aristotelian causality of the three nominees this week. The yellow mandanda is his telos, yet it also creates meaning for the wearer. He exemplifies the great words of Ortega y Gasset: “Yo soy yo y mi mandana amarillo,” whilst still maintaining a paradoxical cuasal relation (which came first, the yellow mandana or the douchebag?). This series of propositions is what Aristotle referred to as infinite douchegress.
Mr. Bagoo: Crayon Gary wins because he is an asshat.
massengill: Simona is actually a Lakota Sioux tattoo artist whose given name is Dances with Twinks.
Baleen: I’d like to put Gary in a ring with an overweight schizo mentally retarded man boy hopped up on angel dust just to teach him a lesson.
bigphatnottadouche: Crayon maybe a happy looking harmless douche, but he is still a douche. Simona is Hott in a dirty kind of way.
Claude Douchenburg: A foot up for Gary and a thumbs up for Simona. And by foot up, I mean way up south of Garys taint and by thumbs up I mean both, where ever you want them my sweet Simona.
Douche Dastardly: And let’s talk about that tattoo. It looks like something I saw on the wall of the bathroom of a really bad Mexican restaurant where I had the misfortune of ordering the rancheros diablos and in turn made a Jackson Pollack in there toilet.
Indeed, DD, and I sense a potential 2010 Douchie Award nom for that tatt, fake or not. Coming in a solid but distant third, The Suckerfish:
THEONETRUEDOUCHE: Suckerfish. The balding hair- the fugly face, that huge forehead, the pink shirt- yes he is the douche of the week
Evil_Readheaded_Stepchild: Suckerfish is so douchey he makes me want to slap all straight women just on the off-chance that one of them might someday date him. I sentence Melanie to a firm and bouncy paddling for getting that close. Her safeword will be ‘Bronzer’.
Douchey Lewis and the News: Melanie and the Suckerfish ftw. He looks like the fluke worm monster from the X Files episode The Host.
I thought the Suckerfish would find more support. But this was classic Jerz Pud week at HCwDB. Lets let The Motley Douche take us home this week:
Gotta go with FL & J this week. The kissy lips are bad enough, but add to that the unnecessary bicep flex and that seals the deal. Look, Flex…you’re obviously in shape. Good for you and your steroid dealer. The only thing you prove by showing us is that you are complete and total douche. You deserve to be mocked to the fullest extent of our collective abilities. Once Jen wakes up from her rohypnol-induced stupor and realizes she’ll never be able to wash the spray tan stain off her hand, she’ll need a shoulder to cry on. And I will offer mine, whilst daydreaming of days past when the world was much less infected with the global scrote virus.
Well said and gold stars to everyone. A solid Weekly winner with true hottie/douchey dialectics. And so we celebrate with sugar cereal. And unshaven stubble.
