HCwDB of the Week
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Monday, January 10, 2011
HCwDB of the Week: Gynochin and Brunette Rhea
One change I’ve decided on for 2011 is we’re gonna hand out the Weekly Award without official voting. We’ll just kind of make a collective determination as to the worst of hottie/douchey toxicity from the previous week, and then I’ll hand it out on Monday.
That being said, you all will still help determine the winner. By making complaints, wise cracks or otherwise noting another pic should’ve won instead and I’m a total ninny are all welcome in the threads.
That being said, if you’d like to hand out a Weekly Award because you’ve got something to rant about a particular pic and want to mock it with front page aplomb, email me the previous weekend and maybe I can rotate some regs into handing out the awards like we did the 2010 Douchies. Since it’s becoming increasingly and awesomely clear that the regs are funnier than my drunk ass most of the time.
The Monthly, and Yearly, however, will still be full-on voting time.
So lets start 2011’s first Weekly with the well deserving and punchworthy smarmy stubble chin of Gynochin, and the absolutely tasty and bank account draining gnaw that is Brunette Rhea. Gynochin also appeared, bothering Perky Peri, making him a double ‘bagger.
But Rhea… oh how your earlobes make me want to crotch slap a fire hydrant then crack hump a lemur named Cynthia.
This combo is toxic urbane four star restaurant trust fund living poo.
And so we mock it. And book ’em the first slot in the next Monthly.
Monday, November 1, 2010HCwDB of the Week
Bring it. Here are your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Mechachin and the Tartar Sisters
Paid-to-pose hotts with Paid-to-Douche asswipe? Perhaps.
But for this, there is no excuse.
Mechachin is classic party pud. His actual violations are more thematic and descriptive rather than performative.
Well, okay, they’re actual, too. That shirt makes makes the Babby Buddha spittle.
The Tartar Twins are not classic hotts neither, but their sexy supple curves and employed on-the-clock blankness have a quality sexiness that is worth honoring with chafe.
Are they our weekly winner? On to finalist #2:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Dave Templescrote and Lori
Dave Templescrote is a subtle choadmunch.
Not overpowering. But stenchworthy, nonetheless.
The racing stripes and hair fwip, not to mention the grey on grey silk doucherman label look. All bad. But subtly bad. Not usually that loud Weekly Winner ‘bag bad.
Lori is all that is tight, firm and eye wateringly suckle thigh.
Together, this is real world violation, as Dave Templescrote likely gets to fondle her gagingas in private. Her privates in gaginga.
Never forget the extra helping of violation when racing striped templed wankpuds get a quality hott like Lori.
And speaking of quality hott, that leads us to #3:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Fratbrosephus Bros and Arielle
Now before you dismiss these fratty puds for lack of overt douchescrotery in presence of hott, hear me out.
For one thing, we have yet to truly mock the whole Zima Ice “Bros Icing Bros” nonsense. Secondly, aging fraternity brothers acting like jackasses will always have a home on HCwDB. Ne’er should it be otherwise.
And thirdly, Arielle is teeth rattling, spleen shaking, grandma rocking chair flipping, circular firecracker fuel.
And the Hott is 1/2 the equation.
But are the Fratpuds douchey enough to win?
(Dis)honorable mention to the skeezosity of The Power Choad, the baglings and sexy Euroblonde of Manya’s Mistake, The freakish genius of The Redneckbag, The Douchepocalypse Coupling (too paid to burleque to make the finals), and Average Mohawk Guy who was just too average.
This Weekly is a real world weekly. No douchestars, but all worthy puds and quality suckle thighs. Them’s your three. Which coupling deserves to call itself HCwDB of the Week?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010HCwDB of the Week: Pistachio Pavel and Stephanie
In a well balanced Weekly, the ‘Stachio Orangeness of Pavel and boobarific boobitude of Steph were barely able to squeak out the win/loss, knocking off the favorite, Maximilian Smell, as well as the bouncing Alyssa’s Boobs and Teddy Douchechamp.
The voters speak:
fatness: Pisstachio Pavel and Stephanie for the Weekly. He looks like he fell into the fake popcorn butter vat at the local megaplex and his proximity to Stephanie’s perfect round mounds of glory makes me want to chuck a bunny into the wood chipper. The others are mere annoyances, except for Alyssa. Her funbags need a place in the Hall of Boobies.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: Insert banana, cover with Cool Whip, put a cherry on on top and you have a HCwDB Sunday. Pistache for the RUSH. And by RUSH I mean douche.
Blair: Pistachio Pavel gets my vote because he’s a wannabe Ivan Drago. I want to wrap myself in the American flag and beat the snot out of him. Stephanie must break me.
all bagged out: Man that Pistachio is an orange son of gun and whoa Stephanie and her architecture! Take an orange pelt ,frosted hair, weird lip growth mix them in a blender and you have a weekly winner. Mock the Orange and free the Hott I say!
Charles Ulysses Farley: Pavel’s greasy orangeness with frosty hair and Stephanie’s greasy hair and ridiculous glasses make me want to use them to test the efficacy of the torture devices from the Inquisition that the Vatican keeps stored in its basement, allegedly.
Douchey Lewis and the News: Pistachio Pavel FTW. Crapulence…he has it.
Condouchious: All hotts are delectable this week, so we must focus on the douche… and Pistachio’s orange glow gets the vote. I feel like I need special protective goggles just to look at him which of course will lead to me screaming “Ze googles! Zey do nothing!”
Anonymous: Pistachio Pavel, aka PeePee, and his hott FTW. because of the Orange. My god, the orange.
DoucheyWallnuts: Pavel Pistachio FTW. He is the living, breathing equivalent of an “up-the-backer” diaper – a diaper load that is so full of poo it literally oozes out of the diaper and up the back of the poor diaper wearer. He is greasy, orange, spikey poo-trescence, and is douchey without needing any other accessories save the fondley, suckly, gnaw-worthy euro-bleeth.
Nancy Dreuche: my vote goes to Pistacho Pavel who looks like Orange Chicken with a mustache. Stephanie better watch out for the dangerous levels of MSDouchey this guy obviously contains.
the douche whisperer: pistachio pavel’s level of douche exceeds my level of expertise. pistachio needs what amounts to an exorcism before i can do anything. pistachio ftw.
dbBen: Pistachio. Because if you’re going to do a mustache, you do it all the way
Et Tu Douche?: Pistachio Pavel. He is a toxic reminder of the influence that corporate marketing & programming is having on the youth culture worldwide. GSR, tweezed eybrows, tan spray, tip frost etc; render him a follower and for that he deserves scorn, mock and the win/loss.
Amerigo Vesdouchey: I was hoping to cast an enthusiastic vote for the festering waste of stinkpile hipsterbag Topher. But Pavel will do. Maybe a win will give him the motivation he needs to finally see a doctor about that unholy case of Jaundice.
That’s exactly it. Orangeness euro toxicity and sexy Nordic Hott trumps Vegas Jerz hybridity. Coming in a solid second, only a few votes away from winning the whole enchilada, the surprising and boob powered Teddy Douchechamp and Alyssa:
memphis doucheworkers local 421: Allyssa is the hot, friendly bartender at your local watering hole, and you think that she might be single and possibly interested in more than just your consistent tipping. Until her boyfriend Teddy shows up at last call after his “gig” at the county fairgrounds. You should have known that you were outclassed by his sleevetats, entitlement face, and ability to play Three Nickel Creed Down Back covers.
Sergeant Scrote Stain: Ol’ Tedster probably slang a gram of weed once in and high school yet calls himself a drug lord.
Taint Nuthin But A G-Thang: Teddy is the text book definition of a wannabe who couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper sack if he had a machete. Alyssa, on the other hand, is making this old man take his heart medication.
Douche Springsteen: I want to break a Godsmack CD over this guy’s stupid face then take his girl to Sizzler.
Southern Scrotic: We could talk about Teddy’s sleeve tat, chin pubes, ripped jeans, and stupid t-shirt, but why? I just want to bury my face in Alyssa’s pillow soft boobage and dream the dreams of kings.
Ponderonymous: He’s a douche. Maybe not the high-caliber carotene overdosed shirtless grease monkeys he is pitted against, but by God, he has the aura. And he sure has hell is not fit to caress the lucious curves of that muse Alyssa.
Mr. White: After physically pushing my eyeballs away from Alyssa’s chest missiles, I couldn’t help but notice that she has chosen to show her face to the world instead of wearing a pair of sunglasses made out of an old Honda Prelude windshield, unlike so many bleeths (I mean you, Stephanie). I salute you, Alyssa. And you know what I mean by “salute.”
Dicy: Alyssa for HoH btws.. I think I love her. Usually the best boobs on here have icky faces but Alyssa is just all around rockin’… just sayin.
One for the Choad: Teddy and Alyssa. He’s a walking checklist for all things scrote (chin fung, tat sleeve), and she’s a potential Golden Globes winner. Done and done.
Alyssa’s heart-stopping eye gaze and chest bosomgas deserve award at the 2010 Douchies, One for the C, we will definitely seem those two again. And by those two, I mean those two. In solid third, a surprising finish for the favorite, Maximilian Smell and assorted Vegas Hotts:
Deltus: Max Smell (and by that, I mean poo) is unapologetic douchebag to the core, and super fist-pumpingly, hott-taintingly, vomit-inducingly proud of it. He infects not because it’s what he does, but because it’s what he is (and by it, I mean poo).
Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche: Maximilian Smell and Kaylie and Heather FTW! His skank gravitation field is so strong that he can pull them in wherever he goes.
soy bomb: He’s a douche and Heather is a bleethed-out plasticine pseudo-human while MILFY Kaylie is pure sexiness in a black bikini. I would make her the best grilled cheese she’s ever had.
Istandouche: Say what you want but Max is one happy douchebag, he smiles in all his pictures and refrains from hand gestures save for the last pic. For this reason, he doesn’t have the rage factor but he’s unquestionably the biggest douche amongst the three with the occasional high-quality hott.
tballou: Maximum Smell FTW, in recognition not only for his douchie coupling with Kaylie and Heather, but also for his entire body of work at HCWDB.
Max was our classic douche, but this was Orange Pavel and Stephanya’s Euro glow week to glow. Lets let Tom Choad take us home:
Pavel’s semi-smirk, frost-tipped spike-do and prepubescent girlish physique make me want to consume way too much Mexican food and grain alcohol, vomit it all over the Norwegian pop band A-Ha, then light them on fire. And despite the idiotic giant sunglasses, Stephanie’s sensational succulence makes we weep softly into my pillow while applying salve to my over-fapped penis. The other two conetstants pale (literally) in comparison. Pavel FTL.
Well said, T.C., and excellent work to all who voted in the comments thread. Chalk up some the Pistachio and Stephanie for the first entry in the final Monthly before our Yearly at the 2010 Douchie Awards in December, and your humble narrator for tasty Corn Pops.
Monday, October 25, 2010HCwDB of the Week
We’re gearing up for one of the last slots in the Yearly before the 2010 Douchie Awards begin in December. Here’s your noms:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Pistachio Pavel and Stephanie
Before you dismiss Pistachio Pavel as just a mentally challenged Eurocrud with a shaving fetish, I direct your attention to the greasy hint of ‘stache.
Not a mustache.
A pistache.
Add in frosted tips, general creepy aura and toxic orangeness, and we have a Weekly ‘bag.
On the hott side, the tiny nosed Nordic beauty of Stephanie (pronounced “Stef-an-yae”), whose taut boobonic curves cause sparrows to fly into helicopter blades.
Together, they made a solid Europoo entry and a push for the Weekly.
But they’re not there yet. Up next:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Maximilian Smell and Kaylie and Heather
With an odorous multiple run with varying assorts of hot chicks both Vegas inflatable quality, milfy semi-quality and, well, not so quality, Maximilian Smell has Jerzified the Weekly.
But working against this pic is Max’s happiness and general joy with life’s rewards.
Within his own paradigm, his own pedagogy, Max Smell has found a way of being that is entirely and holistically consistent.
Can we therefore judge him as a douchey pudwhack?
Yes. Yes we can.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Teddy Douchechamp and Alyssa
We first met Alyssa when her boobies were being studied for their ability as an alternate source of green energy in the powering of Priuses.
And by green energy, I mean I slapped a hobo and asked for change.
The question here in the Weekly is that while Alyssa clearly qualifies for gnaw-shoulder status, does Teddy Douchechamp rise (sink) to weekly mock status?
Chin pubes, tude and flowery douchey-ass sleeve tatts, yes, but is it enough?
Does his general disregard for 5,000 years of human accomplishment make you want to flick a puppy in the nads?
Because this is a two week baglog of pics (due to the Monthly), we have many (dis)honorable mentions, including DJ the Taint, Assface McReynolds, Kal Armstrong, The Silver Shmoes, Hipsterbag Topher, Morty McSwag and Jessica Simpson Hott, and on the hott side, Pap Pap’s Lil Girl and Caroline.
But you only get to three to choose from.
Which of these three couples deserves the first slot in our next HCwDB of the Month?
Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010HCwDB of the Week: The Crustie Brothers and Karen and Sue
It was a tough and equally balanced weekly, with Skulltatt Sammy and Party Girl Ashley, and Itchigan and Bouncy Di all coming close to pulling out the victory/loss. But the Oldbaggery of Crustie Bros and temptress Asian/Indian eastern hottness, were too much to overcome.
The voters speak:
Taint Nuthin But A G-Thang: The Crustie “Bros” are so disturbingly foul that I fear my mouth will permanently taste like bile from puking so violently after seeing this disturbing pic. Karen and Sue on the other hand give me dreams that are embarrassingly far too wet to talk about in public. Crusties FTW all the way.
Nancy Dreuche: My vote goes to the Crustie Bros and my two dental hygenists Mindy and Cindy. I have two. One to clean the top chompers and one for the lower chompers.
ehcuodouche: I vote Crustie this week. Two fantastic (in a bad way) oldbags over a middling fratdouche and a roadie for 311. Quartasian hott over two sets of fake boobs.
Turdacious: The Crustie Brothers FTW! both totally blowing off the hotts, 1 playing paper , rock, scissors by himself. The other telling everyone in site how big he is.
Vin Douchal: it looks like Ryan Seacrest and Donnie Osmond posing at a Sci Fi convention with some out of costume Ferengi extras.
Paul Muad’douche, the Kwisatz Scroterach: I have to vote for the Crustie Bros, Roger and Gary, and their delicious divorcee hotties, Karen and the best advertisement for a continued American military presence in South Korea and Japan, the lovely, lovely Sue.
End the Haberdouchery: Guy on the left may have the shortest torso ever. These poor women will have to spend the entire night listening to their pitches on the exciting opportunities in the wonderful world of soft-core pornography.
Southern Scrotic: I’m going with Sue FTW. I’m guessing there are douchebags and bleeths in all the pics, but Sue’s the one girl for me.
Dex: They took a trip to Thailand last year where they met Karen and Sue (real names Oanh and Kang) at a night club. They were singing “One Night in Bangkok” at the karaoke machine with smug grins on their orange faces, not realizing, or caring, that they were actually in Pattaya. Twenty drinks and two STDs later, they were married, and Karen and Sue were on a plane back to the States. They know full well the douchey-stupidity of their husbands. After three years they become naturalized and they can dump their old asses and take half their stuff.
Medusa Oblongata: Oh, Crustie Brothers. Not since Mario and Luigi came along has there been such a bad, stereotypical fraternal duo embodying silliness of some sort.
Blinded by the Shite: Oldbag on the left sports sunburn forehead with wild Jeff Goldblum grimace while K-Fed Ol’bag on the right gives it a slightly more toned-down “I’m extreme, but I like to let the girls think that I’m into animal rights”. Holy shiny cleavite and real-world hotts makes sure that this picture packs a punch: I nominate it as my Mock of the Week.
I R A Darth Aggie: Being an old bastard myself, I gotta vote for the oldbags, the Brothers Crustie. Besides, the Grace Park look-a-like commands me to vote for them with her Cylon eyes.
Et tu Douche?: They ladies are delectable, spicy suckle hott and have been ensnared in the the Crusties mid life crisis. I’m sure they enjoy the attention and the cash being spent on them but they need to be rescued and taught to stand on their own 2 feet and not result to having oldbag’s footing the bill.
Well parsed, team. The rarety of a double-douche + double-hott Weekly winner makes The Crusties an accomplishment of sorts. But Party Girl Ashley’s lacey hottness and Skulltatt Sammy almost pulled it out:
One for the Choad: Skulltat Sammy and Ashley FTW. He is inky poo, and she is holding her beer bottle (bonus points for actually drinking beer) between her breasts. Well played, Ashley. Well, except for being on that crustacean’s lap in the first place. You might want to see a doctor about that.
Whoop-di-Douche: He is just awful, pukeable, covered with stupid tatts and publicly wooing HOH quality ASHLEY, who hasn’t the decency to wear even a bikini, but dishes her bod in skimpy underwear instead…and orange and black at that.
Lyndon Ladouche: Ashley is reclining like a houris from the Islamic paradise. I would trade 72 virgins for her knowing smile of experience.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: For being old, wrinkled, tanned, divorced, and mack daddying on anything it has to be the Crusty Brothers for the grin.
Eliza Douchecoo: Lacey McSuperHott for the win, I want to do things to her involving rubber, magnets, a bungee cord and a turkey leg.
Wedgie: any girl hott enough to attract spittle and drool like the very rare, in fact never before heard of, Romanian Tractor Beam, must be exceptionally hott in her poolside lingerie.
numbskull72: I gotta vote Sammy and Ashley, ’cause this one just makes me cry. Ashley brings the hott more than the others, and for the pure fact that this choadwank with green-crayon-on-a-wet-paper-bag tattage is probably nailing this poor misguided lost doe.
Tom Choad: I vote for Skulltat and his fetching orange-and black-lace bedecked yummy suckle-thigh party girl! Seeing his arm around her luscious skin provokes both nausea and focused violence from me.
Mr. White: The orange on Ashley’s ensemble is putting me in the mood for candy corn, and I love candy corn. Sammy’s crap tatts remind me of that kid in the back of 5th grade geography who used to draw all over his arms with a ballpoint. He’s in jail now.
Ashley deserves our collective love for her combination of sex appeal, trashiness and raunch. She is wrong. Yet we love her. Perhaps a HoH consideration in her future. Coming in third, with solid support, Itchigan and Bouncy Diana:
massengill: Sure, some of you are saying, “But Diana is too thick for me: her arms too ‘matronly,’ her thighs to thunderous.” To you I say, “STFU.” Hers are boobs that launch a thousand ships. Or, at least, a shitty old Bayliner.
DarkSock: I would like to posit the following: b( . )( . )bies. Itchigan and Bouncy Diana FTW (Fondle The Wobblies).
CBS: She is the Homolka to his Bernardo and helps cover his tracks with mesmerizing juicified inflatables and tacky Ed Hardy cap. Kudos to these two utter tools, they truly are locked in a vacancy.
The Bounce is strong and the Itch is rashy, but this was oldbaggery and milfy party mom week to shine. Lets let Tumbleweed McElfresh take us home:
I was having a difficult time with this decision, but after reading an article in Ladie’s Home Journal which covered skin and skin care products, I discovered that sun spots are not caused by the sun at all, but are instead, the result of friction, stress and humankind’s age old struggle with good and evil. Therefore, the only conclusion I could come to, with anything close to a clear concience was, The Brothers Crusty.
Mark their slot in the next HCwDB of the Month. Good work to all. And your humble narrator for Cinnamon Corn Flakes.
Monday, October 11, 2010HCwDB of the Week
It’s a Fungtastic Weekly, three selections of facial crud cohabiting with hottie suckle thigh for your perusal. Which will win/lose? Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Crustie Brothers and Karen and Sue
From Tuesday’s “Ask DB1” on suburban divorcees dating aging suburban douchepuds, The Crustie Brothers are all that is middle management in Decatur.
With choady greasebags and tasty Asian/Indian world cuisine suckle thigh, this is one of those HCwDB pics which offers ethereal dialectic and the wafting smell of poopie diaper.
But rarely do pics that split the bags/hotts into more than a simple binary take the prize.
Can the Crustie Bros bring oldbag game to the victory?
Can Karen and Sue successfully ignore my staring at them stalkeringly at the D.M.V. while waiting to register their Audi?
Only time will tell.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Skulltatt Sammy and Party Girl Ashley
Perhaps this vegas HCwDB pairing should’ve gotten a more unique entry last week (as well as vaccinations), as they appeared in the Friday Thoughts and Links post.
But Skulltatt Sammy is all that is classic Vegas douchecrud, and Party Girl Ashley is wearing a silk lingerie getup. At the pool. Upon which spittle and drool are attracted like romanian tractor beam.
For that, the hottie/douchey cohabit is too toxic to ignore.
Truthfully, this is one of those pics that made it more on the strength of the hott than anything else. Ashley has the supple-firm skin of a newborn doe. A doe with humpty hump.
Does Sammy have enough to carry the ‘bag side of the equation to victory/loss in the Weekly?
Do not ignore the skull stupidtatt and designer black cap. But no hat tilt? Can Sammy’s “douche aura” prove enough?
But there’s one more finalist to consider:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Itchigan and Bouncy Diana
The Itchigan ‘Bag, or “Itchigan’s Island,” if you will, was another entry that didn’t receive his moniker upon first appearing on HCwDB, appearing in the Ask DB1 on Relationship ‘Bags.
Itchigan is classic Boatbaggery, and Diana is all that is giggly about not finishing a G.E.D. but not caring because, hey, boobs uber alles.
Together, they make a quality hottie/douchey boat poison that deserves anger from all who witness.
But enough to knock off Oldbaggery and Vegas crud?
Triple-F just couldn’t make the cut, as Alison’s not really bringing A-List Hott game. But those chin fungal stripes and silly sunglasses are just too douchey to ignore and we may see a 2010 Douchie Award in his future.
(Dis)honorable mention to Snidely Liprash, Fung Diddy, Jigsaw Steve, and the continuing genius of Kettlehead and Company, whose latest entry most definitely will find favor when culling down my gallery show at the Guggenheim in 2023.
Which of these three couplings has the greatest meaning of hottie/douchey societal disgrace?
Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010HCwDB of the Week: The Kleenex and Nicola
It was a Canadian blowout of ‘baggian proportions. With a run of party douche, Kleencrotch #3. And even incognito Woody Woodpanel, the Kleenex wipers were too
strong, and Nicola too hott, not to win, taking down Benny Wah and the Alt Hotts and The Golden ‘Baggers with ease.
The voters speak:
Istandouche: Easy competition this week. Kleenex gets my vote.
Jacques Doucheteau: Well good for you Mr. Choke-on-your-own-cock-grease. You’ve finally found a lifestyle that permits you to successfully pick up on drunk girls that lack even a smidgen of taste, class, self-esteem, or badly needed antibiotics. For that we shall bestow upon you real celebrity status: To be known far and wide as a complete and total douchebag, worthy only of our mock.
Fatness: Pic #2 seals the hott part of the deal, and Kleenex Wiper’s got to be one of the taintiest slime balls ever to grow in the Great White North.
Charles Ulysses Farley: This is the kind of asshat that should be subjected to repeated painful government experiments regarding the pain threashold. And Nicola. Oh my! You have that sultry, Amanda Peet look about you. Me likey.
Captain Lame: You see Nicola was once a beautiful clean sheet of soft material that would’ve feel wonderful on my nethers. Unfortunately this choad is a mucusy discharge that ruins said soft piece of material upon contact.
End the Haberdouchery: Kleenex gets my vote. He strikes me as the type of guy who tucks it between his legs every night before bed and dances for himself in front of a full length mirror, Buffalo Bill style.
Mr. White: the huge gulf that separates the douchosity of Kleenex and ethereal hottness of Nicola cannot be ignored
The Goob the Bag and the Pudly: I gotta go with Kleenex, too. I feel my blood beginning to boil at the thought of tasty Nicola and her knee-weakening come-hither eyes and smile cuddling up to that tattooed, bling-bedecked wad of excrement.
Amerigo Vesdouchey: Nicola is the hottest hott here since Jebus’s Mary. And probably not as high-maintenence. I would tickle her ass with a feather.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: Kleenex is a douchebag whore selling himself as a brand. That brand is Douchebag Pro. Kleenex Wiper and Nicola win it for the bling.
smackdouche: I must vote for the KIleenex Mafia. Which is the worst name for a group/collective ever. Sounds like they would bust your kneecaps after watching “Steel Magnolias”.
Deltus: Kleenex is so dyed-in-the-wool douchetastic nasty taint-smelling poo, I fear for the future of Canadian health care because of the random, multi-drug-resistant infections of everything from The Virus to STDs he inadvertently passes along at his parties.
Musicman: Kleenex by far deserves the weekly…He brings shame to Toronto…..What if the Kleenex brothers meet Dimitri?!? If that happens, then the Canadian douchepocalypse will happen! RUN TO YOUR SHELTERS PEOPLE!!!!!!
Exactly. Good call, people. But while it was a Toronto blowout, both The Golden ‘Bagger and Benny Wah and the Alt Hotts did find a little support:
Tony Ventresca: #2 Golden Bagger. For two reasons: (1) he thinks he’s as cool as Mickey Rourke but doesn’t realize he’s going to end up looking like a piece of old chewed-up leather just like Mickey, and (2) she is Hall of Hott worthy in my opinion (or at least Little Tony thinks so). The others look like they might be able to pass as normal humans with street clothes and hair gel washed out.
Captain Scrote Sparrow: Ricky Rockett and the 3 large Orange Juicers get my vote. I like big boob’s and i’d drink from that fountain anytime…
doucheywallnuts: The Golden Bagger FTW. He and Patricia are living, breathing reminders of precisely why cliches and stereotypes exist, and by extension why this web site lives and thrives.
Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho: As for Patricia– well, as much as I hate to see bicycle helmet hair and oversized shades on a woman, her body (artificially enhanced though it may be) is smokin’, and makes me tingly in the right places.
I R A Darth Aggie: The Alt Hotts FTW. And by “win” I mean “kick Benny in the Wah”.
Tom Choad: Benny Wah for the win! What kind of a douche makes a four-year old’s nyah-nyah face when posing with hott chicks? Somebody remove that sludge from the gene pool, please.
I hear ya, T.C. and I’m glad a few people saw the ‘Baggers Gold and Benny Wah as worthy of mock. And the Alt Hotts have yet to get their due for hottness. But this was a Kleenex Nose Wipe blowout. Lets let system of douche take us home:
It’s Kleenex for me. He is sinister. He is douche to the core. He is so self absorbed with his bling, chest shave reveal, tatts, and stupid haircut he makes me want to scour the neighborhood for mewling kittens, collect them in a burlap bag and repeatedly swing said bag to the pavement until there is silence.
Won’t somebody think of the poor mewling kittens? Kleeny and Nicola for our next slot in the Monthly, and your humble narrator for Corn Pops.
Monday, October 4, 2010HCwDB of the Week
You know what to do. Bring it. Have some. French fries.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Kleenex Wiper and Nicola
And lets not forget pic #2 of Mr. Kleenballs and his resident party hottie and Kleencrotch #3. In fact, rumor has it Woody Woodpanel is also a member of the Kleenex Wipe.
I actually ran the nomination pic of Mr. Klint with a Vegas Ass Kicker email, but the more I stare at the rank cesspoolery of Mr. Kleenex, and the tasty hottitude of Nicola, the more I realize they’se quality monthly commingle.
Not to mention, this gives us a chance to vote our Canadian Douchal Neighbors from Toronto into the Monthly. But that’s if they win. Up next:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Golden ‘Bagger
While The Golden ‘Bagger is classic Vegas pustcrack, his pic is pulled down by the Bleethy level of not so pure Patricia. Sure she’s curvy. But she’s tatty and gumsnappy and feels just perfectly right for the G.B.
Proper hottie/douchey dialectic, is, of course, found in the wrongness of comingling. And this pairing just feels right.
Then again, he’s a cankerclown, and she can perhaps be saved. By my tosies lick.
So they’se makin the weekly.
But enough to win the weekly? It’s certainly possible.
However, there’s one more nom:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Benny Wah and the Alt Hotts
I once hit “alt hott delete” on my old P.C. It sent me back in time. And then gave me a backrub.
Computer humor is so in these days, what with “The Social Inception Network” coming out to tell us the history of Freudbook and the subconscious put online. Or something.
Yup, I’msa babble.
I blame the New York coffee.
So’s why’d I run Benny Wah? For one thing, we need to start mocking more hipsterbags. Especially orange ones with stupid necklaces and scraggle indie fungface. And two, I loves me some coquettish alt hotts.
I think this pic has a legit shot if it can split the traditional vote. We shall see.
(Dis)honorable mention to a quality run of hotts last week, including Eastern Promisesbag Gets Lucky, Joey Rat Tail and the uberhott blondes in The Friday Haiku, the lineup of perky boobage in Groin Fung Reveal, and the Bleethy but perfect boobies of Long Island Pitstop.
However, them’s your three. And your only three.
Which coupling deserves our next slot in the next Monthly?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Thursday, September 30, 2010HCwDB of the Week: Vlad the Inhaler and Natasha
Between this pic and Licky Nip, Vlad sniffed out the win, just barely edging Jimmy Scribble and Hott Bikini Hannah.
The voters speak:
Justin: Vlad for the win, due to a ridiculously high level of face punchabillity and ridonkulous ass pear.
Charles Erasmus Douchewin: Vlad constipated kissy-face makes me want to pummel him with little kittens until he finally sucks a couple up that massive umbrella nose of his and asphyxiates. And Natasha. Oh, the exceptional adaptation that is bootylicious curve has clearly been designed explicitly to maximize fitness. Particularly mine.
Fatness: Vlad looks the classic punchable Jerz pud and Natasha looks like she could empty me and my bank accounts without breaking a sweat. The others look like failed MTV audition excerpts.
Douchey Lewis and the News: Vlad the Inhaler and Natasha FTW. This guy looks like Tim Tebow…I hate Tim Tebow!
End the Haberdouchery: Unless the back of his shirt is on fire, he has no reason to take it off. I want her to dispense my toothpaste using a tube of Colgate and those powerful ass cheeks. Dental hygiene FTW.
Chris in ‘Baghdad: Vlad the Inhaler! He may not be a vampire, but the douche lips, faux yawn and feigned inattention to the affections of bosomy Natasha are over the top.
douche bagel: vlad him self is immaterial, but his sneer is one that legends are made of and is rumored to be a direct decendent of the romans. for vlad does not own that sneer, that sneer owns vlad. 1 min in a room with this guy and i would be considering self mutilation just to redirect the pain. vlad FTL
DayGloGuido: Natasha’s wealthy, rotund suplitude is making my groin ache like a dry riverbed in the Kalahari.
The Goob the Bag and the Pudly: Vlad is positively radiating doucheosity, and clearly those pics were taken in his grandmother’s house, exacerbating the grotesque failure of his existence, thus proving the nonexistence of a benevolent God. Also, that chick has a lot of badonk to grab hold of, and her willingly applying tongue to that fetid slab of scat makes me even more cynical about the future of the world.
Turdacious: Vlad FTW, Even though it looks like Natasha found him under a bridge and brought him home to piss off dad. he reeks of Douche
douchesquire: Rocking that hard stare with pierced moobies, and whatever is going on with his eyebrows, garners my vote. That and Natahas full figuredness that gives me morning wood.
Nicely targeted, D.S. Natasha’s lack of love from some of the voters astounds me. She is Pear personified. And Vlad is douchal innovation personified. But The Scribbler and Hannah’s curves found enough support to almost pull out the win:
Noname Joe: Definitely Jimmy Scribble, as his side-torso tattoo actually says, “Gimmick,” which is self-critical to the extreme. If only it said, “Filled with self-doubt; another tattoo will make me whole,” in script (or in Chinese characters).
Taint Nuthin But A G-Thang: Hott Bikini Hannah has me reaching for an oxygen tank like a fat defensive lineman who just picked up a fumble and ran 50 yards for a touchdown. Jimmy & Hannah FTW all the way.
jonezy: His moderate success of being photographed with Hannah-Hott only emboldens his douchiness, and as I see, he will evolve in the manner of the greats such as DD & FFS, slowly compiling tribal tatts and GSR in the never ending quest of chasing tail.
Deltus: Jimmy Scribble has the dedication to real choadwankery that I like to see in the Weekly winner. He’s permanently defaced himself with tatts that make tribal shoulder tatts look positively reasonable and tasteful. Add on the lip piercing, huge ass sunglasses, and almost-GSR, and you have a lose-lose combo the others cannot touch. And Hannah hott is the only one in the group that makes me want to touch my privates lasciviously.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: Write in vote this week. And by write in I mean Scribble. He’s the only one trying to douche it up and she looks like she bathes.
Eliza Douchecoo: This guy looks like he smells like raw chicken breast that’s been sitting out for a couple of days on the back porch at my Grandma’s house in Daytona Beach.
Whoop-Di-Douche: his fingernails would make a manicurist swallow some serious pain-killers with her morning coffee. Hott Hannah’s thin-line brows are as skimpy as her yellow bikini, and might be construed to be as narrow as her taste in men.
Poor JaBooty. So little mock for the unemployed garbage contracter from Dorchester and his collegiate hottie friends.
mr.reeve: In honor of the troll named “Vegas Ass Kicker” I have to vote for JaBooty and Carly/Kimmy FTW. JaBooty is what I imagine VAK to look like if we ever come across a picture of this Choad Juice Extract.
RAPETIME: I gotta go with JaBooty, as he looks as though he’s functioning without a working brain stem. I can imagine him standing, rigidly catatonic, in one spot forever. I wonder what thoughts, if any, go through his shattered cortex when the likes of Carly and Kimmy stand next to his frozen, wax-sculpture like body. Probably something along the lines of “I have to pee…”
Douchelips: Even though JaBooty’s hotts are notts. I still give him my vote for the weekly win. He’s trying SO hard to get it, he deserves it!
JaBooty’s ladies just didn’t pull their weight enough to make much of a dent, alas. This was Vlad’s innovative shirt move and Natasha’s beauty rump, in combo, for the win/loss. Lets let CBS take us home:
Vlad really knows how to make himself look like an idiot. He has honed the look over time. the other two just stumbled upon idiotic appearances bc their personality couldn’t steer them straighter. Vlad on the other hand is a true deviant. He may feel like Niko Bellic but he looks like latin Al Bundy. This look could be referred to as the Friday day night wifey beatdown. This guy is a true bedroom bully…with the house cat. That is quite the bodacious rump on his lady friend too making my decision easy…another posting with ass in my face is definitely a must see.
Well said, CBS. Only a few Monthlys left before the 2010 Douchie Awards in December, so it’s getting down to the edge. Chalk up The Inhaler and Natasha for the first slot in the next Monthly, and your humble narrator for New York coffee and everything bagels.
Monday, September 27, 2010HCwDB of the Week
Bring it.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: JaBooty and Carly/Kimmy
Well, JaBooty, you made it to the HCwDB of the Week.
JaBooty: Thass what I’m sayin’, dawg! You put yos mind to sometin, good shniss happens.
Shniss?
JaBooty: You knows. “Shniss.” It’s that powdery stuff theys puts on those doughnuts they be givin out in the Social Security line on Tuesdays.
Oh.
JaBooty: And to my fans, alls I gots to say is yo! Crack is whack! And by whack, I mean $15. And to my hot ladies from Wellesley who was slummin’ it with a kid from Dorchester, alls I gots to say is call me, bitches! For Jabooty gots the love virus. And maybe sometin else, too.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Jimmy Scribble and Hott Bikini Hannah
The Scribbler is all that is annoying about Sheboygan.
Hott Bikini Hannah has the supple firmness of healthy, viable womb and seizure inducing buttocks.
I stopped a poor orphan child on the street in Surrey England and asked him what he thought of Hott Bikini Hannah. He said, “Please, sir? Can I have some more? Ass pear?”
So I sold him to poetic homeless gangleader in a Shakespeare play and now he pickpockets for coin in the East End.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Vlad the Inhaler and Natasha
Vlad is a two part pictorial that tells a story. A story of Licky Nip.
And the baby Jebus weeping.
Vlad is what we term the “Highly Amusing Douche.” Perfecting the rarely seen “shirt over neck” maneuver, plus undies poke and douche-face, Vlad more than qualifies.
And Natasha’s well fed Russian stock thighs could birth a small army. Her hottness is fully revealed in pic #2, but her pear is perfect gnawable gnaw. What, JaBooty? What are you doing here?
JaBooty: Dog, I knows I’m supposed to stay all up in the first block of text, but that chick’s bumper is FINE, son! I’se be faceplantin that loaf till the eviction notice be on its third posting, know what I’se sayin?
Okay, JaBooty. Now get back to your section.
So, on that note, them’s your three.
Which is hottie/douchey in opposition and originality enough to call itself HCwDB of the Week?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
