Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Long Island Pitstop
Continuing our recent theme of real world pudwacks with real world hotts, here’s Pudwack Mikey, a barely qualifying stage-1 doucher (hat + gold chain), and his Bleethy but perfectly curved gum snapping hottie, Angie.
Together, they go to Sizzler.
I want to go to Sizzler, kick Mikey in his knee cap and then stare at Angies boobies like I was 12 years old. And like that’s any different then 32.
Wow, she’s doing the DUCKFACE!!!!! I’ve never seen that before! Is that popular now? Wow, I should do it just because I see it everywhere else I look!
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Can any of you see me? Oh yeah, I need a camera first, don’t I?
Boobies. Always popular, though. Continue.
She is the bigger offense in this photo, IMHO. He’s not far behind, though.
maybe she just kissed his abs and got Prep H all over her mouth?
Rocking the back seat of the Taurus for a bigtime celebration. Someone got relocated to the corner cubicle!
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Not him.
Bleethy, yeah somewhat, but damn! He doesn’t bother me too much. Now if the Emo Hulk could get ladies like this, that would be kick-ass. And by kick-ass I mean throw up.
… I don’t know, he’s on the cusp of Stage 2 I reckon. Observe the smarminess. That hat’s gonna be twisted quicker than he can say, “Yo! Just the soup & salad bar for her”.
I’m a butt and leg guy. But I would stare at her boobs like they were each Emo Hulk’s head. Because I enjoy spectacle.
she’s more of a Bleeth than he is a douche, but there’s something so raunchy about a cross hanging ‘twixt a nice rounded pair of boobies that really speaks to the years of Catholic guilt I endured in grade school every time I had a lustful thought.
“Baby, why do you have such a boring sense of style? Here, put on this chain and silk-screened shirt, and tilt your hat backwards a little. There you go. Now we’re going to the club, so put on some Axe body spray and bring lots of cash because your girl is looking to get FUKKED UPPPP!!!!!”
Mikey needs to learn that there is a time and a place to smack a bitch. Unfortunately, he is past the threshold.
Whatever happened with Holly adorning the sticky walls of the HoH?
These boobies reminded me of her.
PICTURE MAKE EMO HULK ANG LEE!!!!!!
Why does his face remind me of a Schwinn bicycle seat?
Something about him screams All You Can Eat Shrimp. Lucky for him just his top half pictured. And I’m going to “pray” she wakes up and smells the douche before its too late.
EMO HULK GO SIT IN ROOM AND LISTEN TO MY BLOODY VALENTINE, PONDER BOOBIES JEBUS DIE FOR.
Shiny crucifix rested top glorious mountains of biblical proportions unsuccessfully protecting our eyes from Boy turd corn nibblet here… He is the unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One!
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We may be staring directly into the gob of the infamous Jersey Devil.
@ Captain Scrote Sparrow
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Because there’s an asshole on it
I wish my Mom would drive me to Sizzler.
Mikey paused for a quick photo, then resumed beak-feeding Angie his mouthful of well-chewed worms.
Notice how her crucifix curves at the ends? Yeah, there’s a reason for that. It’s not jewelry. At her last bukake shoot, one of the guy’s managed to spooge the sign of the cross on her chest. She thought it was an “impor’ant sign from Gawd or sumpin’,” so she just let it dry there and hasn’t washed since.
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That was in 2007.
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Sorry.
I’m reminded of the first time I saw a nekid girl up close and real. It was at my baptism when I was ten years old.
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The deal is, I was brought up in a very mainline, Western Evangelical family, which was all fine and dandy when I was young. Every Sunday you go to church and hear all the exciting Hebraic stories about Noah, Moses, Job, David, and so-forth. Way cooler than the boring stories about MLK Jr. and Calvin Coolidge I heard in school. But that’s how they suck you in and prepare you for the bait n’ switch.
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Right around age eight, they start making you spend more time sitting in on the main services. Booooo-ring!!!! Oh my gawd, that shit was so awful! Stand up to sing. Sit down while the preacher recites the boring crap from the New Testament. Bow your heads and pray. Stand up and sing another droning stupid song. Sit down and listen to the preacher carry on some more. Gad. It’s total torture for a young boy wanting to make the most of his weekend.
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Then, right in the most asinine part of the service, they pass snacks around. Grape juice and crackers. Alright, break time! But your told, “no you don’t get any, because you’re not baptized in the faith yet.” Well hook me up bitches! It still takes a while, jumping though all the hoops, memorizing scripture and the names of all the books of the bible, committing yourself fully and accepting Jesus into your heart as your lord and savior, blah, blah, blah, FUCKING BAPTIZE ME ALREADY GODDAMNIT!!!!
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Anyway, the day finally arrived for my baptism, and I was jazzed to be one with Jesus. Well, the free snacks were the initial incentive, but I was getting a little jiggy with the whole divinity of Christ concept. This would be cool. So, I was taken in to a room that led to the baptismal at the front of the church and told to disrobe. Completely naked, and change into a long white baptismal robe. Apparently there’s some whole “rebirth” thing where you symbolically are reborn, and we didn’t come out of the womb wearing Guess Jeans and Esprit t-shirts, no disrobe I did.
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I was getting baptized at the same time as another girl was. Her name was Nicole, she was 14, and fairly cute. I never really thought about her in any sexual context because 1) she wasn’t drop dead gorgeous, 2) I was only ten, and 3) I only ever saw her briefly in church. Anyway, she was getting dunked in the baptismal just before I was. The preacher asked her if she accepted Jesus as her lord and savior, blah-dee-blah, to which she said “yes”, and he said a few more words, the gently submersed her briefly in the clear baptismal waters. Now, keep in mind that we were getting baptized in cold water, wearing only white, shear fabric, and nothing else. This is where time slowed down, and my life forever changed.
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I saw her rise from the crystal waters, her wet robe clinging to her youthful, taut body. She walked towards me slowly, her chest heaving behind her perky round breasts. I spied the dark circular outlines of her areolas beneath the shear fabric, as her erect nipples strained against the damp cloth. They looked as though they wanted to tear through their constraints and greet me with their perfection. My eyes wandered down her slender, yet womanly teenage frame, taking in her flat tummy, navel, and hips. Then I saw it. Through the mockingly translucent cloth of those holy robes: a dark triangle of feminine wonder and joy betwixt her legs. A slight crease in the center further indicated her post-pubescent status, and drew my curiosity in towards it. As she slowly passed me on my way down to the baptismal waters, I viewed from the corner of my eyes her perfectly round and luscious posterior. I could smell her womanhood as our arms brushed by one another. It was sweet and pungent, and it smelled good.
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I don’t remember getting baptized myself just a few seconds later, or what I did after that. Nor do I remember when I gave up vows I made in the baptismal. I don’t remember most of the shit that preacher said, and I don’t remember the exact moment I realized he was full of crap. I don’t remember a lot of stuff about church.
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But I remember Nicole. And I remember when SHE got baptized. And will always remember it.
Great googley moogley, that some nice chest cannons on that bleeth there! *motorboat*
@Jacques Doucheteau: my inner 15 year old just sprouted a raging hardon from that story…
One should always wax their brows with 2″ wide strip of tape up the nose to the forehead. Goes well with the chin ball cup.
Mmmm…Angie. Lose the retarded kissylips, and we got something. By something I mean some fine tit tays. Sweet cleavage that is.
@Jacques Doucheteau: That’s some fine scriblin’s.
@ Angie: Those are some fine sweater puppies.
@Jacques D
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Nice.
I love her.
Great story JD! A man can never get too much religion in him.
Themz some melons!
He’s some melonhead.
@Jacques
I was confused for a moment, thinking I had mistakenly found my way to Penthouse Forum.
If you ever decide you need another career, I would suggest writing smutty novels. You’ll kill it.
although Mikey gets to enjoy his 15 seconds of fame, it’s the even douchier driver of the vehicle they’re in that gets to bang Angie.
Holy flaming cow. I got robbed. Baptized at 6 months or so. Fuccen Catholics….
Are duck lips allowed if she’s making them on Mr. Johnson? Just askin’.
@Medusa…me too. Fuccen Lutherans…
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That story still has me sporting a stiffo. Who needs Cialis?
To their credit, it looks like they’re riding in style in a stretch Hyundai Sonata.
@Jacques –
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I’ll bet the congregation remembers both baptisms; Nicole’s for the peep show, and yours for your resultant, ummmmm, “rapture.”
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Well, you know the priests remembered yours, anyway. I’m sure they could recite the events of that day in fine detail. Just in case you want to know. There’s probably still evidence in the “rectory.”
okay, i see your point in putting some first-stagers up to remind us that one doesn’t need a six-pound-watch to be a douchebag, but are we really gonna’ send one of these charlie browns into the monthly? other than the las vegas mouth, i mean, anus, i mean, vagina, i mean… whatever the fuck THAT guy thinks he is (he’s really from vegas? i’m betting blackjack dealer or short-order cook) there’s not much competition for the real fuckwrenches already nominated, it’s like comparing apples and apple pie, both fruity but one is completely manufactured to be something on totally different level from it’s plain, raw ingredient predecessor, i think you need to pull out the big guns as we start to head toward the weekend, DB1…
I want to believe she was leaning in for a kiss and he showed his true douchal colors by not noticing and instead mocking for the camera. The taste of hair gel mixed with hat sweat and a chipped tooth will be her only memories of the evening.