HCwDB of the Week: Andy Swirlwind and Freida Garcia
Giving out the first HCwDB of the Week of the New Year means I get to go back and dig through all those hottie/douchey blights that appeared before the Douchie Awards began.
Which is both enlightening and horrifying.
Looking back, I’d definitely consider this rank coupling, showing perfect ass pear and coquettish giggle bobble in presence of odious armtatt and doucheface the most heinous hott/douche travesty of the bunch.
First appearing in late November as “Bring Me the Butt of Freida Garcia,” the Peckinpah allusion alone brings quality reference to the table.
However, there was much competition, as a number of great submits came in before the Douchie Awards began. And by great, I mean soul crushing. Consider Fisthole. Or better yet, don’t. Or last week’s assholic party boat wankshed, Mr. Boatbagus. Or classic Vegas schrud, Wez Retires to Boca. Or the eliminated on account of potential gaybaggery, Lando Tanktoppian. Even Stoagy McBain and Ed Sucky deserve additional mock.
But these is the worst/best. And so we find our first selection of 2012, and first entrant in the next HCwDB of the Month.
Best Pear: Shower Pearfection
And since it’s the New Year, lets give out one final belated 2011 Douchie Award. For Pear must always come in the rear. Or something.
Happy 2012!!
May all your Pear be prime, and your Douchebags nonexistent.
Champagne Katie Says Happy New Year!!
I’m feeling such good vibes for 2012, I’m not even posting a douchebag with this lil’ alchy-hottie.
May your New Years be festive and contemplative, mixed with just a touch of world-appropriate rage at just how far the human race falls short of its potential.
But Champagne Katie boobies carry us onward, ever onward, towards an angel hued pastel future-sky mixed with Seurat-dotted landscapes of idealized potential and booberific bobble bobbs.
And Champagne Katie Pear.
New Years Thoughts and Links
Well, it’s still a few days away, but merry 2012, homeslices and fellow alcoholics!!
The apocalypse may be upon, but there’s always room for Jello.
Another year has passed.
2012 will being new forms of mock, known and unknown.
But for now, we imbibe.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Pulp Noir Book Pick of the Week: “I kissed her, a long hard kiss. Because baby didn’t know it, but baby was dead, and in a way I couldn’t have loved her more.”
Funny or Die gets on the HCwDB mockin’ train with Guido Jesus
Shawn Valentino Wants To Make All Your Fantasies Come True. I’m hoping that includes him drinking a vat of Drano.
When Naked 300lb Bodybuilders Attack!
For sale: Douche Jar. If only I’dda marketed these back in ’07.
Trader Joes gets in on the HCwDB Holiday Spirit.
Somewhere in this video, I’ve carefully hidden herpster arm. Look closely. Can you find it? Mmm… Annoying Giggle Boobs.
But enough about herpster arm and stripper giggle boobs that actually spell out “OMG” when riding in a car for the first time. Lets get to your New Years Pear:
Because everyone makes a New Years Resolution that they’ll go to the gym more often in the New Year. Even Pears.
New Years Haiku
The casino band
For New Year’s Eve Party is
“Death Crabs for Cuties”
Tri-Lambdas’ revenge
not against Alpha Betas
this time, but parents.
— Wheezer
Pasties on Ta-Ta’s
Tends to lead to morning wood.
But ‘Bags are termites
— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt
So, you want band names?
Skanks nips decorated by
A Flock of Sea Gulls.
— hermit
At Tropicana
“Bring A Douchebag Get In Free”
We’re set for a week
— Vin Douchal
andom chump takes pic
of slut machines where he lost
all his life savings.
— Wheezer
Her tits never move
Since the gyroscope was put
In her monkey hole.
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Mr. Boatbagus Flexes Douchily
For Mr. Boatbagus, Jesus bling and douchepose bring out even more of the hottest 19 year olds from the greater Wisconsin area.
Proving yet again, that even heaping greased up shoescrapes can draw a flock of giggle hott if they own a boat and a cooler of Bud Light Lime.
Minxy Laura grooves with taut back arch, and the pelicans of my mind swoon like candlewax.
Mr. Boatbagus Smells Like Bodyspray and Prunes
What is it with owning boats and turning into a Greasedouche? That we may never have an answer for.
Nor may we ever answer why unemployed tools living at home in their late 20s insult reality with a snake tattoo.
But we do have an answer for what Minxy Laura on the left will be doing in the perception filtered distorted reality of my future-life. It will involve calisthenics, a yoga mat, a quart of raspberry sorbet, a troupe of unemployed juggling Romanian fortune tellers, a Twister spin wheel, and a 1988 Volvo engine repair manual.
Maybe 2012 Really Is the End of Civilization
The entire collective history of humankind’s advancement and achievement just squatted out a turd flush.
Captain Wank Salutes All Math Majors In Over Their Head
Charleene has come a long way since taking the midnight train headed an-y-where.
You Know Who Enjoys The Break Between Christmas and New Years?
Mack and C-Dog do, yo.
Don’t be frontin’.
They serious.
90 Degree 2005 Ashton Kutcher Hat Tilt Serious.
Sweet Beer Drinking Brenda has disinterested parents. Who aren’t paying enough attention to her nocturnal activities now that she’s back from Nevada State for the break.
