Peter Pumpin’head and Mary Mammageddon Still Can’t Believe They Didn’t Make the 2011 Douchie Finals
They’re so upset, they brought Distorted Side Boob to Vegas to complain about it at the Hard Rock Pool Party Complaint Desk (a drunk guy named Vinny over by the potted eucalyptus tree).
But you know who was thrilled by their win at the 2011 Douchies?
Daytime Candid Champagne Katie. Followed by lots of squee and OMGs and then, like, a total manipedi that she deserved because, like, last week was ,like, too much and she’s serious.
Post Christmas Tree Poo
For those of you who celebrate the season, I hope you didn’t find a douchewank under your tree. But I hope you did find Blonde Giggle Ashley. For she is pouty paid-to-pose. But might pose without pay if you buy her a Mai Tai.
For those who don’t celebrate the season, I hope your Chinese Food dinner was tasty and MSG free.
Gearin’ up here at the ole’ homestead. Lots of great pics came in during the 2011 Douchies (thanks to all of you who submitted), so we are well stocked for the mock to continue in the New Year.
But this week, your humble narrator chills with the semi-mock. Which is like bear hunting while reclining on a Segway.
Because that’s how I proverbially roll. Pun intended. And a stinky pun at that.
Mock on’, fellow hunters and huntresses. The game is on.
Christmas Bros and Kelly Say “Merry Christmas!”
Nothing says Christmas like aviator sunglasses at night and a tasty Bud Light Lime.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good HoHo.
Christmas Thoughts and Links
Oh, Christmas.
You come but once a year. With bad 1950s music. And tiny plug-in lights on self-righteous houses. You bring dysfunctional alcoholic WASP families together to not speak authentically, and allow people to pretend they’re altruistic for a few weeks.
And you even brings HCwDB, Christmas style.
Site’s gonna be on reduced posting for the next few weeks, but I’ll be posting a’somethin’ every day to keep you on your toes.
As to this Christmas HCwDB pic, well hot damn, we have our first entrant for the 2012 “Douchiest Pose” Douchie Award, now don’t we. Or perhaps an entrant for my 2023 Guggenheim Show. Or Best Ass Pear? We shall see.
And yes, I missed the 2011 Douchie Award for Best Pear. But Best Pear will be handed out in a special New Years Douchie Award. So stay tuned.
In the meantime, enjoy your holiday linkage. It goes well with Christmas dinner and family dysfunction. And while I’m not a Christian, and therefore tend not to celebrate holidays with “Christ” in the name, some of my best friends are Christians. They’re very glad to meet me. And they have stock tips. And are very polite. And enjoy alcohol.
Here’s your Christmasy Links:
Your HCwDB Holiday DVD: “This ain’t no Chinese menu, jagoff! I tell YOU how it’s gonna be. This is pricks fix!”
Bags R’ Us is on Facebook. Of course it is.
Lawyers. The new douchebags. Or perhaps the old ones.
Ice Cube brings architectural appreciation O.G. style.
Sometimes, when you’re bored and living in Nigeria, it’s time to just sing about vagina.
The shitfest of a website that is “Holy Taco” continues to rip off my writing style and douche-humor without so much as a link back. I can’t tell which site I hate worse, Holy Taco, The Dirty, or The Chive. All are lame internet vampires that suck off the living.
Investment Banker Mike, spurned by a woman after a first date, writes her the creepiest and douchiest email of 2011.
Christmas rule: Never eat cocaine out of your brother’s butt. You could die. Especially if you’re Ricky Williams.
Don’t look at this. I told you not to look at that.
Christmas Rule #2: Don’t finger-bang a Chihuahua.
But you are not here for Chihuahua finger banging. Well, perhaps you are. But either way, you’ve been good. You’ve earned it.
Or, if you need a little more revelation in your stockings:
Mmmm… mattressy. Leave off the last “S” for suckle gnaw.
Merry something. Ho Ho HoHos.
HCwDB of the Year: Gynochin and Brunette Rhea
Alas and alack we have a winner! And by winner, I mean scrotal damnation and eternal hellfire wrapped in a boobie burrito.
The voters have spoketh. And Gynochin and Rhea were the most toxic cohabit of the 2011 Hottie/Douchey era.
From their monthly victory back in February, and including Gynochin with Perky Peri and Gynochin and Rhea and Gynopenis Nose, theirs were a trip down douche-face hott wretchitude wrongness.
Special props to douche equis, who remembered that Gynochin also made two other fantastically douche-facey appearances on the site, first in late 2010 with Gynochin’s Having None of It and then in Friday Thoughts and Links Gynoface.
For extreme doucheyness in presence not just of Hott Rhea, but those other tasty purity hotts, this is a Yearly well earned.
‘Bag hunters, huntresses and boobie hottie suckle thighs, here are your 2011 Douchie Award winners (losers), and the authors of their mock:
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: Peter Pumpin’head and Mary Mammageddon (DarkSock)
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott: Hottie Heather (douche equis)
Douchiest Hand Gesture: He is Not the Greatest (tall guy)
Greasiest Grease Stain: Mister Zebracrotch(musicfanatic)
Most Trashcan to the Head Worthy: Gynochin (Medusa Oblongata)
Douchiest Hair: The Kennedy Headwound ‘Bag
The Ricky: Morty the Happy Rocker (Mr. White)
Froiest Fro: D.J. Froholio
Hottest Librarian Hott: Megan (The Dude)
Most Expensive First Date Hott: Champagne Katie (Doc Bunsen Honeydouche)
Most Euro Eurobag: Dieter Von Choaalsmark (The Reverend Chad Kroeger)
Douchiest ‘Bag Trend: The “Ink Dicky” (Mr. Scrotato Head)
Most Vegasy Vegasbag: Lancelot Boy Melvin (Choad the Douche Sprocket)
Mascot of the Year: Douchepug
The Douchebaguette: Tokidoki Barbie (Mr. Scrotato Head)
Best Haiku: darksock (idfma)
Douchiest Video of the Year: Lil’ Wang
Orangest Orange: Dieter
Douchiest ‘Bag Who May Be a Lesbian in Drag: Troll Dog (Wedgie)
The Yellowtail: Morty (Mandouchian Candidate)
Greatest Crisis of Modernity: The Cell Phone Bathroom Self Portrait (Hermit)
The John Largeman: Zen Beard Guy (Et tu Douche?)
Douchiest Douche-Face: Tighty Whitey Douche (doucheywallnuts)
Douchiest Facial Fung: Brothabag Leon (Douche Springsteen)
Most Annoying Rockerbag: Pukey Bowie (CB Popped)
Best Golden Globes #1: Tiny Dancer Maria
Best Golden Globes #2: Stephanie McGee
Herpiest Herpster: The Herpster
Douchiest Creature From Ancient Greek Myth: Poppa Squatter (Jacques Doucheteau)
Comment of the Year (Co-Winners): Hermit and Jacques Doucheteau (Wheezer)
Most Likely to be Part of the HCwDB Show at the Guggenheim Museum in 2023: Eros and Alterity
“Celebrity” HCwDB Couple of the Year: Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey (Vin Douchal)
Hottest Hott of the Year #1: Sucklechomp Amanda
Hottest Hott of the Year #2: Bikini Clara
Smells Like Poo: Quoth The Raven, “What a Douche!” (Creature)
And, for lifetime contributions to the dark arts of douchebaggery in presence of Hot Chick, your 2011 Irving G. Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Smoot
Funny, funny shizz, a tip of the URC to all who participated in the 2011 Douchie Awards. Most triumphant.
If you have some extra time this holiday season, I highly recommend going back and rereading some of these posts. For the comedic linguistic deconstructions by the regulars who handed out these awards are superlative. And boobie hottie suckle thigh redux is bonus.
Lets not forget our 2011 class of entrance into the hallowed Hall of Mock for meritorious service in the comments thread:
Hermit
tall guy
Chris in ‘Baghdad
Douchble Helix
the douche is alright
Nancy Dreuche
Choad the Douche Sprocket
Stephanie
The Dude
Dude McCrudeshoes
Sir David Douchenborough
And infrequent commenters but powerhouse submitters of some of the great pics of the past year,Il Douché and Bag A.
There were at least twenty to twenty-five more quality A-Level regs who merited consideration, so a tip of the URC to all those who make the threads the main thing that keeps me powering through year after year.
Well, there it is. Enjoy. Revel. Appreciate the 2011 Douchie Awards, for they is done.
The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Smoot
We’ve inducted The Gator. We’ve inducted Fish Slap. Donkey Douche. And The King.
Now, there is the legend, and former HCwDB of the Year winner: Smoot.
We’ve seen Smoot as recently as earlier this year, but his phenomenal run of douchal supremacy was vintage 2009. Like the careers of Sandy Koufax, Orson Welles or Corky from “Life Goes On,” Smoot’s was a career as brilliant as it was short. But Smoot’s reign was fully epic and completely stellar.
And by stellar I mean shoe fung.
Witness the run:
The Smoot Legend begins, followed by
Smoot Voted
Smoot Point
Smoot Operator
Smoot Freakshow
Smoot Sayer
Smoot Voted
Stoic Smoot
Smoot Voted Again
Smoot with The King
Smoot Laughs at Robopud
Smoot Still Says Grooooo
Smoot Wishes You a Contemplative Memorial Day
And, of course, Neandersmoot and The Lumpy Professor Smoot.
That, my friends, is a run of douchery in presence of hot chick worthy of a lifetime achievement award.
The 2011 Irving G. Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award for contributions to the dark douchal arts goes to Smoot.
Now take a scoliosis curved bow, Mr. S, and leave Crystal’s popsicle tongue to me.
Smells Like Poo: Quoth The Raven
Creature hands out the 2011 Douchie Award for Smells Like Poo:
——-
by the good graces of our fearless leader & boss DB1 I am here today to bestow the dishonour of the Douchey for the chategory of Smells Like Poo… the nominees are:
from January 6 It’s Shark Week! a tighty gym short wearing tattbag who appears to be throttled in technocolour, toting around his own personal skin sack of social disease…one would only hope the shark was eating it’s way off this man’s torso
April 14 featured Captain Lubing & Tracey Gnaw a bumbling bum pirate who apparently infects comely midshipwomen by osmosis…toss him over with the anchor!
May 6 gave us the unforgetable Choad Runner a droopy pant, undie poke, colour skin pallette, red-eyed drunken zombie douche…is he human?
and finally, from September 7 we were “treated” to Quoth the Raven a slime sheened rockerbag putz…may those birds be hungry & feast on his rotted soul!
and the winner of the 2011 Douchey in the Chategory of Smells Like Poo is… Envelope please… Bleech it’s contents truly smell like an Etruscan sewer swamp on limburger ravioli night!…
Quoth the Raven!
…that steaming pyle of bird shiite….his appearance creates HAVOC!
…he smells so bad circling flys die…he smells so bad skunks cry…he smells so bad Fabreeze made a new scent “Anti-Raven”…if you kick him you must scrape him off your shoe!…get me some oxygen STAT!
——
Hottest Hott of the Year #2: Bikini Clara
Just barely edging the taught thights of Oiled Up Sophie, Bikini Clara wins the coveted Hott of the Year for purity of smile and milky drinkable body. In fact I would posit if she’d kept her natural boobs, she’d have won in a buttslide. As it is, the “enhancements” actually detract from the overall hottness, and that’s how you know you’re dealing with a true hott winner.
As The Dude put it:
Bikini Clara, because she makes an otherwise potential nottadouche into a fishslap candidate just for being that close to her.
For hers is the face of an angel.
And the Groin Shave Reveal of a culture that traffics in amoral vice and spiritually destructive hedonistic degradation.
Happy Hannukah!
Hottest Hott of the Year #1: Sucklechomp Amanda
Chalk up a victory for the purity of a great smile, an angelic, innocent glow, and glammy gnobs of fondle boob spectacularity.
From back in August, we debated whether Sunset Dusty was a ‘Bag/Nottabag.
But we did not debate the Sucklechomp Purity of Amanda.
For hers are gloriousness in strangely silver forearm bracelet perfection.
A barely legal vision of a better tomorrow, a more hopeful future, and viable wombs to preserve the human race when the ninja robot war begins.
Best Golden Globes #2: Stephanie McGee
Fake? Perhaps. But doe-eyed confusion and perky swole are enough to take the prize, as the voters gave these globes the globes.
Or, as Baron Von Goolo put it:
She looks like Micheal Chiklis and Vin Diesel are fighting to put on the same tank top.
