“Celebrity” HCwDB of the Year: Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey
Vin Douchal hands out the 2011 Douchie Award for douchiest Celebrity Coupling of the Year:
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After playing an hour of “Ignite People On Fire” online while zonked on Vicodin I realized there will be no appearance by any of the Kardashians to victimize so I exited.
This led me to some investigating into the year past for “The Douchiest Celebrity Couple”.
Sure “The Bieber” was front and center. Ashton Kutcher gave up the hottest piece of ass in Hollywood for a night with a Woo Girl. And even though the vitriol spewed here for Russell Brand and Katy Perry has been absolutely toxic, I kind of like each of them individually.
No this year there is a certain couple that has become an infested boil on our consciousness in a subtle, yet effective, way kind of like leaning to the side while sit-farting to silence it but the stench still permeates.
I speak of Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey
Theirs is a romance of stepping in poo not once but with both shoes. Sure, when Mariah first hit the scene umpteen years ago her talent was evident. I distinctly remember the photo on my daughter’s cd . Mariah with her tousled hair, perfect full body pose seductively profiled holding a microphone stand . Since then she has insultingly called her fans, “lambs” and her material tanked once ex-Tommy Mattola ( he of the nuclear precision ability to spike an artist’s career arc) rid himself of her brand of lunacy.
Cannon ruined the kids show, “All That”, on the Nickelodeon Network. Some talented young people went to careers after this show. Keenan and Kel, Amanda Bynes, comedian Gabriel Inglesias are the most notable. As they left, the replacements were brought in. The show came to a screeching halt whenever replacement Nick Cannon was on the screen.
Such horrible sketches as “Sweaty Spice” , who was one of the Spice Girls, “Latanya”, a mini-mart cashier and the worst but aptly named, “Boring Man” then “Dr. Maybe”, an obvious and unfunny attempt at Dr No. My daughter and I never watched again…
Fast forward to today. Nick Cannon is still pooping all over the place. His is a Seinfeld Show-like career of doing nothing, entertaining that is. His music is fer sh#t, his stand-up comedy is fer sh#t, his radio show is fer sh#t and he is the American Idol Seacrest-type character for “America’s Got Talent” , a program that showcases people with no talent so he is uniquely qualified. Mariah has spent years yo-yoing her weight like Kirsty Alley binging on crack then Krispy Kremes.
The evidence is apparent even rampant against this year’s “Douchiest Celebrity Couple”.
Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey are so into themselves, so full of virus that I give them the nod for Grieco and Bleeth that most represents the reprehensible:The Douchiest Celebrity Couple of 2011”.
I beseech all supermarket magazines to stop talking about and photographing these two, especially with their new twins. Like a bee buzzing around your Night Train nightcap at sunset, if you ignore it will go away. They are said bees
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Most Likely to be Part of the HCwDB Show at the Guggenheim Museum in 2023: “Eros and Alterity”
As many of you already know, the year 2023 will see my visionary breakthrough work as a multi-platform transnational artist working in abstract digital expressionism via found media transmogrification finally codified by the academy with my first major show at New York’s Guggenheim Museum.
As a liberating artistic visionary who has profoundly changed both the medium and the message in the mass/age, I felt it was my duty to begin to privilege certain images that I’ve recontextualized into art. As HCwDB has moved from the underground, to the avant-garde, to literature and television, and towards eventual canonization by the literati, this process becomes increasingly important for academics and historians.
This year’s winner of the 2011 Douchie Award for most likely to be part of my art show is what I’m titling: “Eros and Alterity.”
Let this work stand with my finest artistic creations as a multimedia artist working in the found art platform of Dada-esque recodification.
For it is beauty poo.
Additional entrants will include Ferrari Owner With Small Peen, The Bedouin Riders, King Creeper, Speedo Shot First, and The Unifying Principle.
Comment of the Year Co-Winners: Hermit and Jacques Doucheteau
The great and encyclopediac Wheezer hands out the 2011 Douchie Award, as we continue on our second awards weekend:
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I started reading and commenting on this wonderful site back around April of 2008. What drew me to it was the recommendation of a friend, but what set HCwDB apart from cheap copycat sites (such as Three Ring Blogs’ followups “D-Bag Planet” and “D-Bagging,” not to mention “The Dirty”) was the commentary I found here.
I noticed that the Boss and I had a few similar thoughts about what passes as “culture” these days, even as the wit and wisdom exhibited by him and the regulars of the time was rather intimidating. “How can I contribute to this?” I often asked myself.
Over that time, some former regulars have apparently left for other pastures (or were kicked out of the house by their hott wives), while new regs have set up camp and are carrying that old torch just fine, thank you. And I still feel somewhat intimidated by the intellectual verve on display here daily. I may have spent less time here lately than in my earlier days, but the mock is still Grade-A and always will be. This is why I keep browsing this site on a daily basis: I never fail to laugh at the hijinks of the commenters… never mind drooling over the boobies. But I undress —– errrrr, I mean “digress”…..
So when the Boss decreed that I should give out the Douchie Award for Comment of the Year™, I was flabbergasted. It was just an innocent question I posed in a Saturday thread, after all, but it struck me that I’d have to go beyond seventeen syllables and see what I could do to reward greatness I’m not sure I can match. It feels like telling the 1988-ish version of Michael Jordan how to improve his dunks.
With no previous award format to review, I decided to look over the Comment of the Week™ winners and create some brackets, pitting them against each other much like how we do Monthly voting, and then go from there. And contrary to your thoughts, no, there were no “RevChad” and “Hermit” brackets. Maybe next year…
So without further ado (and since your bosses are tapping their feet behind you), I give you the Comment of the Year™:
Co-winners:
Hermit and Jacques Doucheteau
Runners-up:
Hermit, Tall Guy, Medusa Oblongata, and The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Honorable Mention:
Medusa Oblongata and Douche Wayne
Special mentions for witty brevity go to: Anonymous, Ich verstehe sie ist heiß, Doucheywallnuts (for naming a future Yearly contestant), Laura (for adding “weepsterbate” to the lexicon), and another Anonymous.
(But were I to start looking over comments as I write this, I’d have to include Doc Bunsen’s fabulous “First Date” winner write-up in my selections. It still gives me shivers.)
The Boss even gave me an extra week to mull over the contestants, and it still took me more time than that to reduce the list to about half of the Comments of the Week™ and then to pick my winners. And hell, I know there was a lot of unmined gold left in the threads, so you will likely disagree with me on just about all of these choices.
There was a bit of a commonality in the comments I thought of as even better than the best: there’s a shared idea of a grim outlook for our product- and attitude-driven future, but also the light at the end of this tunnel that shows us not simply acquiescing to this commercial douchebaggery. “We’re mad as hell and we’re not gonna take it anymore,” so to speak. We will not let Idiocracy become the rule of the day, and this gives me hope, as I believe it does for the rest of you. After all, whether you’re an everyday reg, an occasional Anon, or somewhere in between, this is why we mock… for as long as douchebaggery runs unchecked (and unvaccinated), the mock shall inherit the earth….
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HCwDB of the Year
Bring it.
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1: The Most Interesting Douchebag in the World and Brittney
Knocking off the inflated grotesqueries of Peter Pumpin’head and Mary Mammtastic, , all is cohabit toxic for the finals in the HCwDB Universe.
The voters have spoken. TMIDITW overwhelms with the subtleties of douchery.
For this one pic, understated at first, contains all of the (un)holy toxic cohabit between tasty hot chick and narcissistic preening douchebag.
It may not blow you away with spectacle, but what it has is HCwDB at its most distilled and purest of impure essences.
Brittney is spankable spankleosity.
And TMIDBITW may not always make hand gestures… but when he does… they’re the Shocker.
Enough to take the prize?
Two more to go.
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2: Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate
Knocking off a tough challenge from both the Herpster and Poppa Squatter and Tendon Tina, The Lump was too Vegasy not to make the finals.
And lets not forget Joey Lumpcrustowitz Gives You the Finger.
Here’s a throwback to the purest of classic HCwDB in a putrified Vegas swirl of wrongness.
This is 2008-era douchebaggery with hot chickery.
A pure suckle thigh confused by inflated tattbaggery and assholery attitudinalness.
Toss in crusty hair in a pool area, and fingerbagging, and it’s all a slope of pukey puke.
And Kate is pure of confusion and wrong choice. And so the dialectic is legit.
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3: Gynochin and Brunette Rhea
Part of a three pic run, of inglorious douchitude in presence of uberhottness, The Gynochin’s douche face and Brunette Rhea’s hottness were destined for the finals.
And lets not forget: Gynochin with Perky Peri. And there was
Gynochin and Rhea and Gynopenis Nose.
Gynochin and Rhea are “upper class” douchery, fancy 19th Century Dandyism. Proust by way of Disraeli by way of Lance Burton’s 1997 Vegas extras wardrobe sale.
Brunette Rhea is weepy bedroom eyes of painful groinal submission.
Gynochin is punch face.
Okay, fellow hunters and huntresses, this is it.
Which of these three deserve enshrinement as our 2011 HCwDB of the Year?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Douchiest Creature From Ancient Greek Myth: Poppa Squatter
Jacques Doucheteau hands out the award.
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Sing, goddess, the anger of Pelius’ poo and its devastation, which put pains thousandfold upon the Americans, hurled in their multitudes to the gym of Hades weak souls of ‘bags, but gave their bodies to be the delicate fisting of dogs, of all birds, and the will of Xenu was accomplished since that time when the first there stood in division of posturing Atreus’ fecal impaction the lord of poo and malodorous Poppa Squatter.
Legend proclaims that King Douchuous the IV had married a cloud, mistaking it for the goddess Francine. Xenu had created the cloud to test the undoucheliness of the brah king who wanted to carry off Francine. King Douchuous was severely punished for his inscrotumence, and was condemned to frolic about forever in the underworld, tied to a flaming Ford Focus.
But his offspring, the hideous Poppa Squatter who came tumbling from the cloud, remained on earth as a scourge to the mortals. For Poppa Squatter is a Manotaur, wild and vulgar and not honoring any of the gods. Half human, and half beast, as cunning as a wild man with substandard intellect and as savage as an untamed wild…beast, or something. Either way, he had inherited the worst dispositions of both, and negative six percent body fat.
The Manotaur lived without law and order, stormed over the fields and tanning salons, trampled crops and the Wednesday club happy hour crowd, carried off the farmers wives; daughters; and whey protein supplements, and ate raw egg whites blended in a low carb shake with spirulina and creatine. Finding solace dwelling at the center of the Glendale labyrinth, Poppa Squatter compels unwitting heros seeking quest to his lair, only to be crushed twixt his greased and hairless glutes like reps in his 300 lb Hack squats.
One mustn’t forget his concubine, Tendon Tina, who is referred to in Dante’s Inferno, an insufferable Harpy with the face and breasts of a sumptuous woman, but the body of a carnivorous raptor:
Inside here nest the repugnant Harpies
Who chased the Trojans from the Strophades
With foul prophecies of the coming poo.
They have beastly orange appendages, human necks and faces,
Feet with claws, and crab-like oiled bellies;
They shriek laments from up in the strange trees.
And so like the Gods who reside upon high Olympus, and Titans before them who were born of Gaia the Earth and Uranus lord of the Universe, we immortalize Poppa Squatter and Tendon Tina, casting their likeness into the constellations and closet of poo, and chronicle their odyssey to poodom in a 15,693 line poem (or “pooem” more like it, hehe) written in dactylic hexameter, the Douchiest Creature(s) From Ancient Greek Myth.
Runners up are as follows in no particular order:
Pecopolous and The Isle of Slutty Hott, cuz that post was already Greek sounding.
Nipplestopheles, because I wrote it.
Billy Dee Villhelm, just so I can stare at Champagne Katie one more time. Gr-r-r-rouf!
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Herpiest Herpster: The Herpster
Named after our initial tagging of the subspawn of Hipsterbag and Douchester, The Herpster brings all the conflated signifiers into semiotic entanglement.
Not to mention the hottness of Librarian Laura.
So let this brand new Douchie Award category go to the innovator who started it all. And led to atrocities like:
Herpster Frank
Dirty Harry
Superherpster
Herpster Melvin
Herpster Steve
Herpster Henry and the Hand of the Collective Unconscious
A well deserved 2011 Douchie Award for tuxedo crotch, irono-glasses, and douchetatt. And let us all hang our heads in collective shame for this mutant hybrid spawnal development.
Best Golden Globes #1: Tiny Dancer Maria
Speaking of award winning hots… the voters have spoken. And Best G.G. #1 goes to Petite Tiny Dancer Maria.
For they are the firm of purity suckle gnaw spankle coalesce fondle poke.
And they deserve enshrinement.
Hottest Hott of the Year: Bracket #2
Because why not have two winners? Mmmm… femaleness. Here’s your all brunette lineup. Becomes I loves me some brunettes.
Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #1: Bikini Clara
Enhanced? Perhaps.
But her sweet wholesome face and Mayan Eye of Coitus perfectly compliment a taut and viable womb structure that’s established for lengthy fertility.
Let us also not forget the creamy milky skin tone of sunset Bahama spackle pooch.
Long have Zoroastrian monks castrated the sheep in silent protest for the Godless void of mass suckle pooch denial as to the likes of Bikini Clara.
And yes, that last sentence made no linguistic sense.
But it made perfect sense is a toe nibble sort of way.
Besides, didn’t the post-structuralists prove that words contain inherent slippages of meaning that dead-end in referents that never resolve? Derrida said that, I believe.
Butt pooch.
Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #2: Brunette Rhea
Yes, she’s part of an HCwDB team competing in the Yearly, but that don’t mean Brunette Rhea don’t get her shot in the HHotY as well.
And that’s a lot of double negatives.
And let’s not forget:
Gynochin and Rhea and Gynopenis Nose.
While the Gyn and Rhea are odds on to compete for the HCwDB of the Year in a day or so, we should not deny Rhea her chance to be lovely in the Paulest McCartneyest sense.
Lovely.
Lovely.
Butt slap.
Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #3: Oiled Up Sophie
Lo, how we almost forgot this powerhouse specimen of female perfection.
From back in October in a Friday Thoughts and Links, Oiled Up Sophie was so suckle grab, she not only helped us to ignore the doucheyness of Bro Johnson, she gave us glimpses of perfect crush thigh asphyxiation fantasy.
And lets not forget pic #2 of Oiled Up Sophie Goodness.
Hers are the thighs that thundered down from Zeus’s chariot screaming “SMACK ME AND YOUR ESOPHOGUS WILL SUFFER IN GLORIOUS SPASMS OF ECCLESIASTIC DELIGHT!!
Or something to that effect in such so many words.
Yup.
Nearing the end of the Douchies and the DB1 is getting loopy.
Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #4: Stephie
And because I like to mix in some wholesome real world exotic beauties in the competition, there’s Emperor Hairoheato’s Stephie. Well, I’m tweaking her name to Stephie.
Okay, so I probably overused the name Stephanie this year. But whatevs. Deal with it.
From back in June, Stephie’s co-habit with Emperor Hairoheato caused much consternation.
And lets not forget Stephie at the Prom. On the third moon of Yavin. Before the Empire attacked the rebel base.
Honorable Hott mentions go to Lounge Lizard Larry’z Columbian Colette, Cindy-Anne, who probably would’ve made the finals if not for the porn vibe and Bleeth face, Eurohott Terezia, Somewhere in Glendale’s unconventional but tasty beauty, Varooshka, and Perfect Suckle Chomp Salina.
Butt these are your four. And by butt I mean butt. and by four I mean fondle.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Most Annoying Rockerbag: Pukey Bowie
CB Popped hands out the award:
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His hot could be a little hotter, but is there any question about the societal loss that Pukey Bowie personifies?
His douchal purity rating goes off the chart as we count the numerous signifiers; Sunglasses inside a club, skanky lip ring, hat tilt, mandanna, retro denim self styled wristband, too many bracelets, dildonic facial expression, dogtags, and the unidentifiable substance clinging to his middle finger – which of course – is flipping the bird.
I can’t make out what the hat actually says, otherwise that would surely be another one.
The more I look at the blond here, the more I think her smirk reveals her own mock for the fungus that is clinging to her. The more I observe Pukey, the more nauseous I get.
Pukey – don’t give us the finger as you double fist cheap vodka, or we will pull the tongue right out of your head. Furthermore, dont wear the retro David Bowie button – we severely doubt you know anything other than Ziggy Stardust, if that.
Its a tough category – Toxic Terry was in the hunt as was the hotdog water smelling Band Promoter Petey.
Both certainly pulled the hots while displaying numerous Douche signifiers, but in the end Pukey wins (loses) in a No – Brainer contest as the Most Annoying Rockerbag this year.
The picture says a thousand words, all of them negative.
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Douchiest Facial Fung: Brothabag Leon
Douche Springsteen hands out the award to an old friend. And by friend, I mean squatpiddle:
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Dorfman, I’ve thought long and hard about this…
Actually that’s not entirely true. Choosing the “winner” of this year’s Douchiest Facial Fung was easy. I started in the archives in January and found the most offensive contender so soon that I was tempted to just stop my search since I knew no one could possibly top it, but I felt it my duty to slog through the entire year. Presenting a Douchie is not to be taken lightly. Besides, I hadn’t even got down to the label on my bottle of Old Grand-Dad and knew that plenty of HC would be a welcome foil to all the DB.
Calling Brothabag Leon’s facial fung “peacocking” would be a disservice to peacocks. Their gaudy display of attention getting plumage is a product of nature to ensure the survival of their species. In Leon’s case he goes out of his way to painstakingly shape his facial hair into shapes that wouldn’t look out of place on a Georgia O’Keefe canvas just so he can rub his pee-pee against some bleeth after buying her a few $17 martinis. Whether he stands in front of the mirror with a precision sculpting implement or goes to a salon to achieve this look is anyone’s guess.
In either case, it’s such an affront to the evolutionary function of the beard (keeping a man’s face warm while he chops wood, hunts, works the land, etc.) that he should be made to answer to a panel of judges headed by Grizzly Adams for his crimes against humanity. Shave or die, Brothabag Leon.
Runners-Up:
The Chernobros (8/22/11)
Not to be overlooked is the double-flush of the Chernobros. Chernobro Joe’s chin-shrub is pretty bad but it’s nothing we haven’t seen before on these hallowed pages. Why he decided to stop shaving exactly where he did is between him and his maker.
However, Chernobro Moe’s arbitrary bi-level pencil thin lines of facial hair bisecting his bloated face are truly unique and deserve some recognition. And by recognition I mean mocked so hard that he cries and shaves off those ridiculous fung pinstripes so hard that two layers of skin come off with them.
Finally, some (Dis)Honorable Mentions in the field of 2011’s Douchiest Facial Fung are:
Brothabag Jesus Is Not In The Military
The Ferret
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