HCwDB of the Week
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Monday, February 13, 2012
HCwDB of the Week: The Uberbros and Pear Alice
While the violent wretchitude of Biker Mike Asshatsky and Bartender Hottie Heather would’ve been enough to win (lose) in a normal week, last week was not a normal week.
There was Champagne Katie barely losing out on the Hall of Hott (rules state about a 75% yea vote for entrance).
There was the uberhottness of Beach Cheryl and Mayan Eye of Coitus Suzanne.
There was Awkward Hair Kiss and the tomfoolery of Foolio’s Crotch.
Thatssa lotta HCwDB.
But in the end, is there anything more mock worthy than Uberbro Uberfaux and tasty Pear Chomp?
While that was a hypothetical textual inquiry, you are still allowed to verbally say “no” in response.
Chalk ’em up, Dano. And the DB1 for ‘Puffs.
Monday, February 6, 2012HCwDB of the Week: Brobot and Curvy Kelly
With a two week backlog of HC/DB combos of subconscious haunt, it wasn’t easy to pick a winner (loser).
For sheer choadles, It would have to be Buckles Jones. For sexy crypto-Semitic hottness, Naomi. For Vegas trash, Gozer the Fondler. For bad tatts, Tommy’s Shoulder Tatt. For hot breasteses, the second appearance (props to Wheezer for the call) of Boobster Connie, Tool Who Points, and Grinder Lizabetta. For crypto-gay rodeo clowns, Gus and Bud. And for moobs, Mooby Mooby Moo.
There was also Crownbag, perhaps the worst douchetatt of the year. Yech.
But I must pick a winner(loser). And so I shall.
And so it shall be Brobot for sheer punchface innovation and consistent douche-stare in numerous pics with a relatively quality gaggle of giggle hotts.
Although, to be honest, Skidmark and Sue could’ve won as well. Hmm. Can’t forget about that pic. That’s some toxic HCwDB shite right there.
Monday, January 23, 2012HCwDB of the Week: Blender Barry and Boobster Connie
Last week saw a lotta crud.
There was EuroTimmy gets Lucky. There was the most garish Jesus Bling since Judas Iscariot threw out that bloody rag. There was squirrel vomit, choads at underwear parties and choads at underwear parties. And there was CokeBag.
We even had Champagne Katie gnaw.
But it was last week’s Blender of Societal Turd that offered the greatest dialectic. Those douchelips alone are enough to warrant significant societal mock. Toss in Boobster Connie’s confusing mix of librarian herpster stripper boobage, and the image was toxic enough to win/lose the HCwDB of the Week.
Oh, and congrats to the winner of the HCwDB Draft Street game, jrock6, followed by Notorious, dry99, bgriff32, and chitownhustler. Your humble narrator came in 10th.
Lots of great pics sent in to me over the weekend, so HCwDB is well stocked for a quality week of mock. But for now, your humble narrator gnaws an under-microwaved Pop Tart.
Monday, January 16, 2012HCwDB of the Week: Grover McPocalypse And Sarah Lawrence Sarah
For bringing the rare hippie herpster doucher vibe, and for choke-throttling Heather, Grover and Sarah are a well deserving HCwDB of the Week winner.
And while Sarah’s Douchelips are the main detracting from achieving an enlightened hottie/douchey dialectic, her taut suckle pooch belly was enough to conceivably argue that her lips were merely caught mid-smirk, and she is not as Bleeth as it may appear.
However I realize that is sparse justification. Sarah’s Douchelips may cost this coupling in the Monthly.
Coming in a close second was Marty Deuce and Ripped Jeans Kelly, and Ashley’s Malignant Roadie Ass Tumor.
Yech. I hate malignant roadie ass tumors as much as the benign kind.
Last week also saw the horrifying Atlanta Herpster and inverted douche-shirt.
Not a good week for societal hopes for culture, class, taste, and aesthetics.
I just leaked on a piddle.
Time for Frosted Flakes.
Monday, January 9, 2012HCwDB of the Week: Tony the Curdle and Butt Pooch Adriana
From last Tuesday, this pile of rampant rhesus poo fling is all that is Olsen on a Monday.
Or, as W.H. Auden once asked a servant class school boy on a cloudy day in Birmingham in the 1950s, is there anything more annoying than douchelips on a puddlewhack?
Your humble narrator’s incoherence is a clue to deeper meaning.
And by deeper meaning, I mean penguin slap as a euphemism for third world debt crisis.
Wait,… My Random Tom Waits Lyric Generator was accidentally turned on. Sorry about that.
Last week saw Bleeth and Oldbag, Lobes and Greek Crotch Dance, Bathroom Douche Pics and White Trash Cuddle.
But none were billy goat slap quite like Tony the Curdle, or as tasty as Butt Pooch Adriana.
Chalk ’em for what’s shaping up to be a strong first Monthly in 2012, and your humble and confused author for Raisin Bran.
Monday, January 2, 2012HCwDB of the Week: Andy Swirlwind and Freida Garcia
Giving out the first HCwDB of the Week of the New Year means I get to go back and dig through all those hottie/douchey blights that appeared before the Douchie Awards began.
Which is both enlightening and horrifying.
Looking back, I’d definitely consider this rank coupling, showing perfect ass pear and coquettish giggle bobble in presence of odious armtatt and doucheface the most heinous hott/douche travesty of the bunch.
First appearing in late November as “Bring Me the Butt of Freida Garcia,” the Peckinpah allusion alone brings quality reference to the table.
However, there was much competition, as a number of great submits came in before the Douchie Awards began. And by great, I mean soul crushing. Consider Fisthole. Or better yet, don’t. Or last week’s assholic party boat wankshed, Mr. Boatbagus. Or classic Vegas schrud, Wez Retires to Boca. Or the eliminated on account of potential gaybaggery, Lando Tanktoppian. Even Stoagy McBain and Ed Sucky deserve additional mock.
But these is the worst/best. And so we find our first selection of 2012, and first entrant in the next HCwDB of the Month.
Monday, November 21, 2011HCwDB of the Week: Band Promoter Petey and Barely Legal Bonnie
Beating out the hottness of Tiny Dancer Maria was no easy task, but Fratpud Juan just wasn’t douchey enough.
Band Promoter Petey, on the other hand, is a cavalanche (cavalcade + avalanche) of douchuous signifiers and toxic mockworthines.
And let’s not forget to give Barely Legal Bonnie her due.
She is melting cotton candy summer popsicle on a penguin slap hott.
Last week had Mike and Mandy from high school, Marty Trainwreck (with heinous tattoo chin fung innovation) and the tasty Persian Giggle Kelly with Zebra Tony.
That’s a lotta doucheballs.
And lets not forget the site’s new mascot: Douchepug.
But the decision’s been made by my drunk ass as we prepare for the last Monthly before the 2011 Douchies kick off.
And this be #3 of #4.
Now… microwavable oatmeal.
Monday, November 14, 2011HCwDB of the Week: Entrepeneur Doug and Nadijka
This may not seem the obvious choice for HCwDB of the Week.
For while Nadijka brings obvious quality A-List hottmelt to the game, Doug may at first seem an average ‘bag. Not as douchey as, say, Mondrian ‘Bag, Tony the Bartender, or creepy-ass Herpster Melvin.
But take another look. For Doug is not an entrepreneur. He is an “Entrepeneur.” The former starts their own business with venture capital. The latter is a trust fund peen.
Anyone who advertises their crap label on their cap while busting chin fund and yellow wristdanna is mock worthy. And so they earn the Weekly.
And Nadijka. How I would powder puff her power puff girls and Dora her Exploras. Her purity of suckle thigh causes angels to buy real estate in Encino.
I will stalk her awkwardly with only a Frommers Guide and a felt pen. But first I need oatmeal.
Monday, November 7, 2011
The Garglebag and Nadia Ruminate on Heidegger
Here’s pic #3 of this waste of generational educational purpose, as the Gargs and Nadia build their case for the next Monthly.
Monday, November 7, 2011HCwDB of the Week: The Garglebag and Nadia
I originally used this pic only as the link-reveal for the truth of Garglebag’s douchey wretchitude, and Nadia’s enhanced gnaw cleavite. but we’ll mark it the winning (losing) pic.
Since it makes hamsters molt and vomit.
Nadia may not be A-level facial hott, but for offering epic G.S.R. (Groin Shave Reveal), and the softest of pooch bellies, she’s all good.
Also, Garglebag and Nadia appear to be a real couple, and therefore this hottie/douchey violation trumped some pretty rank douchitude, including Creepy Granpa Jaundy and Sweet Patricia, Twelve Pound Watch Pud, and Superherpster.
Last week also offered A-level kettle corn superhotts like Suckle Tatt-Free Sharona, Bright Eyes Bonnie and Giggling Lana.
But festering choad and/or suckle hott not in harmonic balance is not enough to win. Garglebag and Nadia bring stupid head, chin fung and tasty Aryan hottness in combo.
And so they earn slot #2 in our last HCwDB of the Month before the 2011 Douchies.
And so your humble narrator makes some instant oatmeal. To get all healthy up in this shizz.
