HCwDB of the Week
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Monday, October 31, 2011
HCwDB of the Week: Frego The Herplicker and Irene the Tongue
At first I was gonna give it to either Mr. Wingtatt and Asian Melony or Onychomycosis, both featuring tremendous A-List Hottness as part of “Boobs Week.”
And Boobs Week was indeed glorious.
Even via iPhone Douche Bathroom Self-Portrait.
But this pic of creepy Herpsterism and sexy tongue stayed with me like a taint rash made of festering itchy boil all through my glorious NYC weekend.
And we must always find dialectic between sexy hottness and douchey rankness in interrelated entangled cohabit.
And that be this.
Chalk up Frego The Herpster and Irene The Tongue for the final Monthly of 2011.
And props to ‘Bag Huntress Extraordinaire Medusa Oblongata for mocking up our official 2011 Douchie Award Trophy. And by mocking, I mean breakfast cereal.
Monday, October 24, 2011HCwDB of the Week: Herman Herpster and Taut Miranda
For bringing retched white-boy trust fund entitlement buried in the stupid-lobes and punchworthy doucheface, H.H. was as toxic as it got last week.
Taut Miranda is purity of skin chewtoy. She has the sunny smile and heaving bosoms of righteous disposition that inspires bake sales, Crusades, and violent overthrows of dictators and fruit rollup factories.
And lets not forget their second appearance in The Herpsterpocalypse.
Together, they’re the first HCwDB of the Month entrant in our last round before the 2011 Douchie Awards in December.
They bested some strong competition including Bleethy Barbie and Fawkshead, Dirty Harry and 1920s Marissa, and the Weekly runner-up from the Friday Haiku, Abs n’ Crabs.
But last week was also a great week for female hottitude. Lets not forget the dreamlike suckle thighs of Beach Hottness Sophie. Nor the temptations of Barely Legal Jenna.
Lotta potentials in there for the 2011 Douchie Awards.
Speaking of which, while an official request for Regs to hand out awards is coming later this week, if ya wanna give out a Douchie Award, drop a line.
In the meantime, your humble narrator for Granola and milk. Cuz I’m healthy like that, yo.
Monday, October 10, 2011HCwDB of the Week: The Herpster and Librarian Laura
In an absolutely tough week to pick our winning (losing) coupling of hottie/douchey shoescrape, in the end, I had to go with the innovative and historically significant greasepumpery with luscious gigglehottery rubbing up on his stupidness.
For the Herpster has Tuxedo Crotch. Factor in stupid garish disgrace of a chest tatt and ironic bearded gaze, and the power of the mock is overwhelming in its needed response.
Librarian Laura may have a touch of the Herpster ironobaggery herself. But that booty be slammin’, as the kids say. And for that, we have a winner (loser).
Last week was so chock full of choice hott/douche, the winner could’ve easily gone to Bad Tatts Maru and New Wave Naomi or the early favorite, the Moocow Brothers and Amanda and Tonya, followed by Marty Moocow teaching Amanda to Flex
Damn, last week had a lot of inchoate douchepeak.
There was also The Artful Doucher and the Pillowfight Triplets, or the tasty if inflated bleeth gnaw of Woo Girl Kim.
Heck, Scrotudinous could’ve won last week’s contest, and this HCwDB slag is a mere fourth or fifth.
Tough week to pick a winner.
But for inspiring a whole new subcategory of douchal innovation, the Herpster and Laura make it the monthly. While Good Guy Ron, on the left, gets a nottadouche and a way to go for snagging Modern Dancer Marie.
Chalk ’em for next week’s Monthly. And your humble narrator for Corn Pops.
Monday, October 3, 2011HCwDB of the Week: D.J. Froholio and Hangin’ On Kaylie
Last week was a particularly skeezy week of toxic nastiness. Between The Wiggas with Pear, Brothabag Jesus and Tall Jenny, The Duckface of Aswipius the III, the Ode to Tommy Pak, and the horrifying Crisis on the Way to Enlightnment. Yeesh.
The only true competition, however, was Armenian Glendale Toyota Dealer Hatoonian and his hottie Jenga.
We even had Granpa Oldbag and the Guy Who Flips off Camera Guy.
But for sheer classic assbaggery in a D.J. modus, D.J. Froholio is our winner (loser), and Hangin’ On Kaylie reminds us all to appreciate the mid-30s party girl confused about the rules nature has established regarding age and mating calls.
And lets not forget D.J. Froholio and Needin’ a Sammich Linda.
Hard to call this coupling a favorite in the next Monthly, but there’s more than enough HC/DB dialectics taking place to earn the Weekly.
Now someone shave that ‘fro with a rusty razor and put on some Flo-Rida for Kaylie to dance to.
And me, I’se a gettin’ a Pop Tart. Microwaved. Cuz that’s how I roll. With breakfast pastries.
Monday, September 26, 2011HCwDB of the Week: Tommy Pak, Giggle Ladies with Daddy Issues, and the Hand of the Collective Unconscious
While last week was a notoriously toxic week for douche tatts, what with The Skin Show, the creepy neck hitting on innocence of Coprophagia, yet more from Crazy Eyes Killa (1/2 of the Greasepitz), and the heinous Tatticus Finch.
Yech. Seriously depressing realities of our overstimulated, overtatted culture.
THen there was D.J. Assholio and Random Pocahontas Girl, the Greek myth of Pecopoulous, the jaundice of Old Man Liver, and the great news of Bankrupt Preppiebag.
But none were more poisonous to the ecosystem than this unholy pairing.
Maria and Consuela hate their father, Mario, for uprooting them from Uraguay and moving them to Arizona.
Tommy Pak is uberpudwack. The Hand of the Collective Unconscious speaks for all of us. And adds a delightful touch of the surreal to this kinetic mess.
Chalk this classic Vegas Clownpud and tasty latina burritas for the next Monthly.
And your hungover narrator for early morning HoHos and milk. Cuz I’m healthy like that.
Monday, September 19, 2011HCwDB of the Week: The Lancelot Boyz and Perfectly Hot PTA Mom Vanessa
With a late-week run of pics, including Lancelot Boy Melvin and Stephanie, a Classic ‘Bag Sandwich on Laurie, and once again Bothering Vanessa and her Bestie in a Room Full of Bros, it wasn’t even close.
And yes, that’s Perfect PTA Hottie Vanessa in both pics, as proven by this side-by-side created by reader Douchble Helix.
Our first entrant in the next HCwDB of the Month brings the hott side hott, and the douche side toady.
Thassa lotta shirtless douchery in the presence of A List Gnaw Girls. More than enough to win a deserved place in our next Monthly.
For the L.B.s are real world preening spectacle of zombified unthinking neo-Nordic fascism and leaders in the future war of ethnic cleansing and eugenics.
Okay, maybe that’s a tad far. But more than enough to trump the oafish clownish meth addictions of Riff Raff and Stripper Girl #45.
Although honorable mention must be paid to the perfect spackkle pear of Amazonian Stripper Pair and Holy Cleavite of Tonya the Tiger in Willie The Kidd Discovers the Rare Amazonian Stripper Pear.
Also props to Bolivian Slip hangin’ with Lounge Lizard Larry Borrows 40 Bucks. That’s a tasty third world milkshake of fondle grab I haven’t seen since gun running for Zapata during the revolution.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011HCwDB of the Week: Sir Ivan and Ashley and Ananda
Welcome back from Labor Day, fellow hunters. Hope you are well rested. Now let us resume the holy mock. For our mission continues.
Last week was a notable week for, how you say, bobby bobbs. We had porny bobbs and sweaty bobbs. Ginormous bobbs, Pro Boobs and The Holy Breasteses of the Iroquois Nation. Who also gave us Holy Suckle Pooch.
On the ‘bag side, there was The Unibro, who may or may not have me killed by Columbian drug lords, the uberskeezy Lonnie, and the odious Tatt Owl.
But our site is about hottie/douchey dialectics.
And none were worse than Sir Ivan’s creepy oldbaggery and the tasty popsicle youth tautchomp of Ananda and Ashley.
Sir Ivan’s toxic buffoonery has been bouncing around on the site for months, but this pic seems like the perfect time to mock his ass with a Weekly win (loss).
So this week’s Weekly winner goes to odious Oldbag, Sir Ivan, and his Great Nieces, Ashley and Ananda. Sure he’s kinda a “pro” douche. But if we don’t mock this saggy shweatyballs, then we do not do our job.
Place this pudgy oldbag and his hottie nieces in the next Monthly. And your humb narr for Pop Tarts.
Monday, August 29, 2011HCwDB of the Week: The Chernobros and Cathy
Gearing back up as your humble narrator digs out of the silliness of hurricanage and NYC and traverses back to the city of Angels for more pitchage and catchage of the Hollywood balls variety. Wait, that sounded vaguely gay. But not as gay as the Chernobros.
No slice of classic ‘bag sandwich formation has been this moldy and rank on the site in months.
Tri-facial pubery. Moob shirts. Crushing a hottie filling.
For example, take this Twinkie.
Imagine the golden spongecake was greased up assclownery. And then imagine that creamy filling was burnt umber Jerzette hott foolery.
Now picture that Twinkie existing as HCwDB.
That’s a big Twinkie.
A buncha other pics were in consideration as it was a pretty toxic week last week. The Search and Destoyer Pud from the Friday Haiku was Vegas crust, There was 2-Cap and Courtney, Mashmouth and Margarita, and fist pumping Billy Von Buren.
There was Happy Mitch In Over His Head, The “Challo!” Guy and The Holy Breasteses of Avalon.
Lotta potential 2011 Douchie noms in that mix. And by noms, I mean Holy Breasteses.
But this was classic ‘bag sandwich time to elevate (sink) to the Monthly. Chalk ’em, Dano, and the DB1 for NYC bagels.
Monday, August 22, 2011HCwDB of the Week: Wankus McHannibul and Pearielle
Last week saw visits from the odious Poppa Squatter. The innovation of “Strip Rafting.” The near-winners, the coupling that I probably should’ve given the award to, Keys McKugel and Slutty Shana.And the eurotankery of Aging Andy Pointing out the Obvious. Moob shirts still suck.
We even had Lil’ Skippy and Lil’ Pepe. I love that guy.
But here’s the thing: Wankus McHannibul also appeared pulling spectral rural tri-hotts in Wankus McHannibul Shaves His Groin.
THat’s two cuts of bald headed clownbaggery and some quality paid-to-pose entertainment pear slices.
Performative polebaggery in presence of pear munch takes the proverbial cake. SO while the clear paid to pose douchocracy of this coupling almost disqualified the mockage, in the end the hottie/douchey clownwankery was too much to ignore.
Not sure how well they’ll do in the Monthly against Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate.
Chalk ’em, Dano. And your humble narrator for Trader Joes instant oatmeal.
Monday, August 15, 2011HCwDB of the Week: Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate
I must’ve been tipsy on rice wine last week not to realize that Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate were the same hottie/douchey poolaggery combo that appeared on Friday as Spencer and Sexy Lacey.
So even with a two week back catalogue of hottie/douchey pukosity to wade through, this was an easy HCwDB of the Week.
No ‘bag/hotts came close to this level of innovative douchal development (Jesus Bling tatt) and lithe pool suckle hot poochle in Kate’s taut, albeit a tad too skinny body.
And there were some notable ones. The two that nearly took the price: Dances with Crabs, Stands with Cosmo and Scratches with Itch, and Muttonchop Max and Megan. Both brought itchy wrongness to the game.
And lets not forget the pewey poolbaggery of Shrinky Dink and Karen.
Also notable over the past two weeks, the return appearances from HCwDB legends like Brazilian Emo Hulk, old friend Big Red, Unfinished Tatt Guy and Gorgeous Sandy, Prickles the Clown, The Starry Blight and Hello Kitty Hott and The Greasepitz.
Nor shall we forget Perfect Sucklechomp Amanda. Whose leg I hump pensively in the abstract and with full due respect.
But who are we kiddin’?
For sheer classic ‘bag pukeshoescrape and tasty if slightly underfed hottitude, Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Vegas Kate were not to be denied.
Slot ’em for the next Monthly. And slot me for a microwavable breakfast burrito. Cuz I’m healthy like that.
