The End of All That Is Holy and Decent And The Rise of Douche Satan
And then this happened.
EDIT: Caption This Pic contest in the threads. Top three to be posted this afternoon.
EDIT #2: Your winners:
#5: “What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas. Except Chlamydia.” — Bag em, Tag em
#4: “Dr. Nick could never remember to put the valve stems on the INside of the chest cavity.” – Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche
#3: “Why can’t I get that hard?” – Dickie Fingers
#2: “As Tommy chomped on Cindy’s right breast she suddenly flew backwards over the horizon with a wet farting roar.” – DarkSock
#1: “With the assistance of a Kevlar banana hammock stretched tightly against his anus, Danny’s falsetto voice could make breasts swell until they burst. To celebrate his achievements, he tattooed on his chest the name of the school where he picked up his unique ability: the School for Wanking Young Donkeys.” – Jacques Doucheteau
HCwDB in 2013
Boobs n’ Douche.
That’s what this site is made of.
That’s what it’ll always be made of.
But there are some changes in store for this humble site in 2013. I’m all outta multiple daily douche mocking, so that’s gonna slow down. And besides, the regulars in the comments threads are far funnier than anything my Night Train and HoHo infested mind can come up with these days.
So for HCwDB-2013, some of the regs’ll be contributing to the daily mock. Writing weekly columns of their own on all things douche-mock and anything else they feel like writing on. Still figuring out the schedule, but I’m hoping to promote five or six regulars to their own ranting columns in the next week or so.
That way each day’ll stay fresh with something fun going on on the site.
I’ll still chime in with daily-or-so douche mock when appropriate quality pics come my way. Hopefully do some links on Fridays. The ‘Sock’ll still do his Friday Haiku and maybe another column.
It’s time to open up the site a bit to talk about larger cultural issues and concerns that need addressing.
And by addressing, I mean pooping on.
And Pear.
Always Pear.
Especially Uberhott Texting Pear.
Orangeman Jones says, “Happy New Year!!”
This afternoon, Orangeman Jones plans to invest in soy futures.
The Silk Sheer Caramela Twins are paid to appreciate your staring at their suckle thighs. While the clock is running, they pout wistfully and thank you for your attentions.
EDIT: It has been confirmed that Orangeman Jones is none other than the one and only Nick the Dick from Bachelor Party. Not looks like Nick the Dick. The actual Nick the Dick. Slow-clap please.
Oogieloves New Years!!
Everyone dance along with Cary Elwes as his career hits its absolute nadir!!
Merry New Years!!
New Years Rockin' Pear
Happy Guy Says Happy New Pears!!
They may be artificially bronzed to the point of Bleeth, but they can still be squeezed.
Benzino's Hittin' the Road, Thong Pear In Tow
Benzino heard he didn’t win the HCwDB of the Year and he’s outtie. One (or six) Vegas Cocktail Hottie(s) later, and it’s all good.
No respek brings limo time in Vegas.
It’s enough to make the Greico cry.
Portland has donuts. Voodoo Donuts.
Your humb narrs is now joyously ill from overconsumption. Take that, Hostess, what with your strike and all.
Dinner with The Baron awaits tonight.
Site’s been a bit wiggy lately, off-line every so often. I’mma look into it.
But for now, donuts.
Kisseus Vomitorious Cannot Believe He Didn't Win the 2012 Douchebag of the Year
Distant third place runner-up in the 2012 HCwDB of the Year finals, Kisseus Vomitorious, cannot believe his package didn’t place higher.
But such is the fate when going against eventual winners(losers) Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy.
The DB1 randomly finds himself in Portland, where rainy pizza is consumed and Powell’s City of Books is visited.
Dinner with The Baron may even await on the horizon.
Alack, my vacation continues.
In the interim, talk amongst yourselves.
Merry Christmas!
I may not be a Christian, but some of my best friends and at least 40% of my ex-girlfriends are. So let me wish all of you who celebrate Christmas a very Merry Christmas!
May your stockings be full of pear, and may douchebags be roasting on an open fire.
I will be enjoying a tasty meal of Chinese food and dip dangerously into my stash of tasty Hostess HoHos.
HCwDB of the Year: Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy
In a shocking upset, the unholy alchemy of hott and douche that is the disgrace that is Sleepy and Cindy took down the powerhouse pro-douche force that is Benzino and Pear.
But this is as it should be, and justice was served.
While Kusseus Vomitorious and Margaret were ab-ripping inanity, and Benzino’s rancid DJ tattbaggery fondling hotts was all that Las Vegas diarrhea spews on our culture, none cohabited in (im)perfect dialectic quite like Sleepy/Cindy.
Factor in their contribution to the HCwDB Art Show in 2023 in “Innocence and Poo Face,” and we have ourselves a yearly winner, kids.
Some of the thoughts from the voters:
Blind Squirrel: Sleepy looks like a piece of scratch paper you use to get a pen working again.
Charles Nelson Doucheley: Sleepy has had this award written all over his face ever since he first appeared here.
Mr. Biggs: Sleepy’s mindless philosophizing haunts my brain.
The Douchey Dozen: Sleepy/Cindy. Because it is written. On his face.
Morbo: These two are what HCwDB should be. Wholesome Cindy, whose perfect auburn hair inspires soft melodies. Sleepy, whose face reminds me of the margins of my ninth-grade algebra notebook.
Duck Duck Douche: Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy. Because protecting Cindy from Jerkenstein is why we’re here.
Douchble Helix: look at that sack of shit, Sleepy. Clueless, but original. And a great hott. All three are (un)worthy. But Sleepy commits, motherf@#kers. And you can’t sleep that shit off.
There it is. Although all three may end up in the Hall of Scrote when all is said and done.
Ladies and germs, here’s your 2012 Douchie Awards:
Douchiest Hair: Mickey the Polyp
The Ricky: Sweaterman Twists
Douchiest Doucheface: Mongor
Hardiest Hardy: This Guy
Jerziest Jerz: Arturo, Skinny Kathy, and a Dirty-Ass Door
Douchiest Family: The Tapoutskys
Douchiest Facial Fung: The Craptastopher
Most Euro Eurobag: Brobot
Douchiest Pepsi: Alissa’s Pepsi Challenge
Herpsteriest Herpster: Braden the Metalworker
Best Golden Globes #1: Sonya
Most Expensive First Date Hott: His-name-is-Huang-But-Call-Him-Joe’s Roxanne
‘Bag Most Likely to be a Lesbian in Drag: Bernie
Smells Like Poo: Crotchos
Most Impending Sign of Nuclear Scrotocalpyse: Cartoon America
Peariest Pear: Spindarella Pear
Douchiest ‘Bag Innovation: Place to Store Your Cigarettes #42
Greatest Hottie Development: The Side-Boob Cleavite Dress Reveal
Golden Globes: Sheertina
Douchiest Ruiner of Sapphic Love: Guy Who Ruins Pics of Hot Chicks Making Out Guy
Douchiest Celebrity Couple of the Year: Kanye/Kardouchian
Orangest Orange: Orangudan
Best Golden Globes: Globes For All!
Hottest Hott #1: Jenny From The Sci-Fi Poobags
Hottest Hott #2: Vespa Hott From Lord Helmet and Vespa Hott
The ‘Bagling: Eurotimmy
The Yellowtail: Mr. Tibbs
Greatest Crisis of Modernity: Gettin’ Swole. Son.
The John Largeman: Wise Black Man Howlin’ Cat
The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Xenu
Be sure to peruse some of these awards, especially the ones written by the regs, as there’s some fine mock in there.
And for our hallowed Hall of Mock let us welcome the following Class of 2012:
douche equis
Capt. James T. Douche
Charles Nelson Douchely
THEONETRUEDOUCHE
Merle Baggard
ehcuodouche
Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt
Charles Douchewin
FredN.
Ol’ Dirty Douchebag
Congrats to you all for services rendered in the art of douche mocking and hott lusting. There were many more on the list of finalists, so you should all toast your induction with a sip of the ole’ Night Train via URC.
Lets also welcome Tiny Dancer Maria to our hallowed Hall of Hott.
And if you appreciated the 2012 Douchies, help support the site by checking out, and buying, some cool shit on Amazon.
Do it.
Rock the boat.
2012 Douchies out.
The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Douchechievement Award: Xenu
Joey Porsche. The Gator. Fish Slap. Donkey Douche. King Douchuous the IV. Smoot.
And now Xenu.
The last of the Douche Legends from the early days of HCwDB earns eternal (in)glory as forever an icon of primal and epic scrotebaggery.
Let us not forget this epic Douche Warlord of Scientology Lore for its first appearance on this site back in March of 2007.
Further ridiculousness in presence of hotts appeared over the years, including this heinosity. And this one. And this one. Or this one. Heck, for more just check Xenu’s pics in the Hall of Scrote.
No tattet up oily behemoth has quite smelled like Xenu over the years.
And for that, we (dis)honor him with a well deserved 2012 Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award.
Well done, Xenu. Now put Tom Cruisebag down.
(Running a bit behind with all these awards, but the HCwDB of the Year is coming up next… either tonight or first thing tomorrow…)
