Apocalypse ‘Bag
And so the nightmare is real.
Like some crusty psychological remnant from the deepest darkest orbs of the inner ear crawling outward, Trek II style, to reveal itself.
All is not as it appeared to be in the progression narrative we call the future.
The malignant forces of systemic malaise have arrived to writ their vengeance, to suck the last dregs of humanity from the decaying plastic corpses of the once human and soulful.
Ten years ago I started Hot Chicks with Douchebags to mock the accelerated development of exaggerated hyper-masculinity. I hoped to highlight the absurdities of performing “maleness” by showing what it had really become: a toxic spectacle brought about by the increasing emphasis on visual stimulation in the internet age.
Faced with scrambling of traditional gender roles and a growing multicultural world, I watched in horror as young, suburban white men of privilege were rendered apathetic and clueless by self-indulgent crap parenting, too much disposable income, and an ethos of amoral narcissism. The pleasures of Cheetos and Chill polluted and infected the mind, replaced by primal sexual urges masquerading as identity. No surprise that these drifting males, devoid of ethos and purpose, took to pectorial inflating, tribal tattooing, ‘roidally pumping, greasy brand name oiling, orange tanning, ab shaving, crusty hair spiking, ridiculous facial fung curating, and overpriced t-shirt purchasing lunacy.
I saw this corrosion spreading like choadwanks off the shoulder of Orion. Identity lost. Like beads of sweat underneath a spray-tan rain.
It had to be mocked. Ridiculed. As Foucault taught us, only humiliation can break through the constructed prism of false consciousness and really stupid doucheface.
You elected to join me. And for years, there was push-back. Here at HCwDB we mocked thousands of ‘bags, choads, scrotes and Bleeths that transformed themselves into cartoon paper tiger road warriors and spectacles.
Their con was absurdist theater and brand name spectacle. Their bodies were their stage. And like some toilet-paper creature brought to life from 1970s-era hippie dance troupe Mummenshantz, they unspooled into nothingness.
From unholy groin tendons to sheeny shades of orange to inflatable cloud-men that barely look human to stupid tatts and sideways neck-glasses , the stench of modern douchebaggery was a product of the digital media carnival.
All in the hopes of seducing and acquiring the mass media established objet d’art: the hot chick.
Her role was nothing more than objectified item of acquisition. Proof of natural selection. Evidence of self worth.
I named this corporate enhanced, psychologically polluted, culturally toxic mating ritual, “douchebaggery.” A word I plucked from obscure insult-land because I needed a term to capture the toxic transformation of the self into the cartoon. A word to describe this cultural insanity in all its atrociousness. Surreal efforts and externalization of value that previously privileged suburban masculinity had undertaken to make up for their loss of assumed cultural birthright.
For ten years, I thought we were winning the war.
And then the douchebags struck back. Their primal scream took collective form. And here we stand. As witness to the victorious summoning of their most absurdist douche Svengali.
And so enter President Orange Buffoon.
Ridiculed on HCwDB as early as 2009 as the personification of hottie/douchebaggery pollution in all its amoral narcissism. Then codified with a Douchebag of the Month in 2011.
That was five years ago.
We thought we’d won. We thought he was a crimson turd born from reality television and cartoonish lunacy. A silly-string piece of pop culture flotsam.
Boy howdy were we wrong.
HCwDB’s goal was to never underestimate the toxic dangers of raging white, masculine privilege when threatened or wounded. And yet it happened.
Turns out it was but one small step from fist pumping Vegas Red Bull choadwanks to a festering global implosion led by an orange rhesus monkey. And so here we are. The douchebags are triumphant. Electing the One Douche to ‘Bag Them All. An amoral, whiny man-child fascist clown has become their King.
The douchebags have won.
We did not mock hard enough.
Well fuckin’ A. DB1 is back and he is fired up. I think a lot of Dems were asleep at the wheel. And then Biff came in and stole your girlfriend (America) who was actually your Mom. Hello McFly!
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At least the Cubs won.
As usual, there’s an 80’s based metaphor to explain this.
I respectfully disagree, Sir DB1. He may be a big blowhard douchebag, but his massage was clear. Globalism and PC culture were an easy tag of President elect. Creeping communism and the criminal Clinton Money Machine had to be stopped. The Alt-right is increasing in power and will set our Eurobag brothers back on the Right track without wars or gas showers. Multiculturalism is a Marxist cancer.
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Long may the Jews be blessed as long as they are not cosmopolitans. Rural Europe is awakening to the UN horror machine of forced immigration and tax slavery.
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And shit.
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And Ted Nugent awoke the gun owners at 1 am in the morning on the day of the election.
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Speaking of clear massages we don’t need your weed anymore RevChad , shit is legal in Ca now. It was our consolation prize from our new orange Overlord. Praise be. 420 for the next 4 years!
Yep, I hate white people too. Except that white dude that invented Junior Mints. They’re very refreshing!
Well fuck me running. DB1 lives!
Oh lord of anti-douche, you must avail yourself of the cognitive value of comparison to distinguish true douche from neo-douchosity.
Behold: a visual contrast of Putin and Obama:
http://thefederalistpapers.integratedmarket.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/Obama_Putin_Differences_2.jpg
Putin is macho, but not actually douchey. He would kill douchebags if they dared trespass on sacred Russia’s soil.
But the other guy? Mincing meat mugger is a flattering description. Holy crapflakes!
Trump is OUR GUY. He is, at heart, ANTI-DOUCHE. We lurv himb and would have his lurv child if we could.
Now:
Get back to posting at least once every two weeks, and we’ll forgive this transgression of yours in criticizing the Messiah of the Dispossed, the Ignored, the Deplorables and Iredeemables – PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP.
@JKD Pretty sure daily updates are a thing of the past. Revel in our orange overlords victory, grab life by the pussy or dick whatever is your thing, buy that Hummer you’ve always wanted, get that hummer you’ve always wanted and pray for the Kellyanne Conway to DB1’s Trump the honorable DarkSock. I pray he didn’t get horse AIDS but that is a definite possibility.
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Melania for HOH
DB1, global Force for Good, has awakened to the arrival of the Orange Menace. See, not everything is bad coming out of this election!
Stackhouse for Secretary of Education, the Poopaloompa as Secretary of Health and Human Services.
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Kind Douchuous the IV as head of the Department of Housing and Urban Development, while The Crustacean will be the Secretary of the Department of Labor.
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The Metaphysical Hooligan and his droopy pierced man-boobs for Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers, with Mack the Nozzle as White House Chief of Staff…which I fully support the later if it means gazing upon more pictures of Francine. Mmmmmm, Francine… I would jaywalk naked and blindfolded across an intersection in Shubuya during rush hour surrounded by a thousand pedestrians wearing sandpaper and tape worm larvae with my ass cheeks spread wide open and each car equipped with two-dozen Kong sized jelly dongs glued to the hood and quarter panel for the mere chance to thumb through a used copy of William Gibson’s “Pattern Recognition” read by the reclusive sex offender son of Francine’s childhood horseback riding school partner even if I get kicked out of the used book store for not buying anything and get run over three hours later crossing the street drunk and slowly wasting away while permanently disabled from clinical depression and bipolar episodes.
When faced with two poor choices, I scratch my ass & then sniff my fingers
…on the bright side, Twinkys are back.
They even chocolate cover & deep fry em!
Come on, everyone! Let’s celebrate President Elect Trump with our very own paaaaarttaaayyyy!!!!!
Wooo! I bet Stackhouse is pumped by this turn of events. Trump some, Son!
What’s lost in the hysteria is that people actually were pulling for Hillary the warmonger. And the democrat hierarchy had to fix it so she got the nomination over a socialist loon.
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Kinda like when Jack Jones was sure he was gonna score with a young Stephanie Powers and Frank was buyin’ her drinks on the QT an wound up bangin’ her silly. Silly, I says.
When the left is controlled by some fat dude named Lena Dunham, the orange man wins.
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Chelsea Clinton is so ugly, her blowjobs count as anal.
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Liberalism and zionism will die.
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MAGA
Trump is a guy of whom Walt Kowalski would approve.
MAGA!!!!!!!!!
GRAB THOSE PROGRESSITARDS BY THE VAG!!!!
Hmm…it’s interesting to me how the majority of the followers of self proclaimed progressive DB1’s webpage are pro Trump. I wonder what the common thread is? Opposites attract I suppose.
Have you noticed that since Trump has been campaigning, no more Darksock? Have they ever been seen in the same room?
Chelsea Clinton is so ugly, her blowjobs count as anal.
Great line, Rev.
Most importantly, it looks like he is draining the Swamp.
Trump wants people to like him, big league. I think he will be pragmatic and reset progressivism to a point where where we rurals will not starve/fight/shoot/outwit/outgun/out-ammo/outclass the city dwellers.
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You just got a new lease on life thanks to the peaceful gun owners of Merica, DB1. That was a civil revolution of a modern type with negligeable collateral damage. The TV yellers have had enough. We all got together on the interwhebs and won that magnificent bastard a chance by encouraging in each around the world.
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There may be another holocaust, westside. The peeps are getting sick of the zionist bankers raping the world of their wealth through induced bubbles. House prices high, raise interest rates to steal wealth during the collapse. Taxation is slavery. Our slavery makes pays the zionists usury.
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Not DB1 though.
Been a fan of this site since 2007…and DB1 is top shelf. In this instance I do not disagree that Trump is no Winston Churchill. But what do Americans have to lose with lower taxes, less job killing regs, more employment opportunities, safer borders, less crime, and a generally better go out in our country? No one should weep that we do not have the head of an organized crime family enterprise (Hillary) elected. Check RICO statutes if you think I exaggerate. Obama was cool and had a jump shot: Hollywood loved him…and he spent 8 years wrecking the country. He never ran even a popsickle stand before becoming Pres. No thanks…give me the Orange..
Jesu Christe, Jeet and others, there are enough alt-right sites on which you can comment, why do it here?
I do not like Trump and don’t want my choad-mock ruined by mockchoads.
Capisce?
Gracias
Uh oh! SOMEBODY needs to retreat to their SAFE SPACE…..
LOLROFLMAO!!!!
Laugh at this, you gloomy fucks: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gw1g2yKxb0I
@FredN. Broheim, hate to break it to ya but judging by the comments I think this is an alt right site. Viva la honkeys!
“I wish I was a (tiddy) bear,
not livin’ or lovin’ or goin’ nowhere”
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Most who remember that old country song associate it with the legendary Dolly Parton. Many don’t realize, however, it became a hit when first performed by country and gospel singer Barbara Fairchild in 1973. It was also covered by Seminole Texas’ own Tanya Tucker. Written by Don Earl and Nick Nixon this tender and sensitive number was also performed by the late, great Waylon Jennings. Very uncharacteristic for the hardbitten, outlaw crooner.
My personal favorite version was that of Miss Donna Fargo.
https://m.youtube.com › watch
This site has been conquered by the Deplorables and Iredeemables.
Vive la Difference!
MAGAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
This post is best understood while listening to douchey tunes – such as:
@JKD, Dope fist pumping tunes brah. Also I fear for your blood pressure. It can’t be good to be yelling all the time. Don’t pop a gasket.
Have no fear, Nancy Pants. I am joyful – not stressed.
THe same cannot be said for THIS snowflake – proving once and for all that douchosity is a disease of Progressitardz:
http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2016-11-17/rutgers-beyonc%C3%A9-professor-loses-it-over-trump-victory-sent-bellevue-psych-evaluation
@JKD. The world could stand to lose a professor in Beyoncéology. Perhaps this whole Trump thing is the herd thinning America needed?
Hahahaha
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Nancy Dreuche is the most sensible of all posters, of all time.
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The light bathes me in knowingness and scars my brain forever.
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Jeet makes a “safe space” joke, and rolls on the floor laughing.
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Prediction: This site will never have a new post on the main page, there will only be a continuation of Jeet’s floor rolling, page after page. To the end of timez.
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Deleting bookmark now.
Aw thanks @FredN. I’m not used to getting compliments here, being the only woman on alt right website and all. Ye will be missed. And I bet you’re right about this being DB1’s last post. ROFL in Peace my man.
I had left this site a good 6-7 years ago for the same reason, but from the opposite direction – I’d found any expression of a thought that might be construed as not perfectly aligned with the “Obama is the Messiah” crowd subjected me to vitriolic slanders.
Funny how the worm turns.
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Y’all wonder why the truly funny hall of mock posters have left? No joy in quarreling w xtreme rt wing goons. Once a place to make ridiculous comments about ridiculous clowns. Now ridiculous clowns frothing ridiculous political commentary. Inappropriate for this site & seldom funny. Have at it whilst you jerk yerself off, you know who you are. Lil’ humour left here…byah!
Btw, 1st hooker elect has sum juicy fake cans
Looks like Creature needs his safe space! LOLROFLMAO!
Amusing how you progfascists lurv to talk down to us deplorable iredeemable untermenschen but start bawling when the shoe is on the other foot………….
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Alt-right, alt-right, alt-right.
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I may be getting older but the chicks in the HOH stay the same age.
@creature, pretty sure the funny posters left because DB1 only updates this dinosaur 1once ever other Shabbat. And the sat thing he posted has to do with our next president! So yeah, comments are gonna be a little political. Derrrr. Not the sharpest tack are we?
DB1’s a bleeding heart lefty since day one never bothered me before, doesn’t now. He’s an eloquent wordsmith. I like a good discourse. Bring it
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And by bring it I mean show me some tight hotties with flat tummies and perfect makeup. I’m thinking Ivanka Trump in a cameltoe-tight pair of Lululemons with nothing underneath with the camera angle that lets you see the razor burn bumps poking through, surrounding her vertical smile like a bunch of blue jacket secret servicemen talking into their sleeve mic protecting the President-Elect as if his tanning bed depended on it.
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Once, when I was licking Francine’s grundle until she was shrieking in short squeaky bursts as she squirted her fem juice all over Fontana, I thanked the lucky stars that I had a penis and could aim my squirtings with bullseye precision wherever I wanted….um … Not really… .. ^ that never happened
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Google Hailey Noire for an ass pear that won’t quit
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Really
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No, Really
God Bless Hailey Noire’s tender buttcheeks!
I, for one, agree with the sentiments of some that politics should not be part of this glorious website.
No, really. I do.
Hey do you think the White House will have a Hall of Hott now too. So dope! Since Melania will be living in NY taking care of the spawn it will be Boys Just Want To Have Fun all day everyday!
McConnadeuchy speaks TROOF!
Wow. Every time I remember who our new prez iz, I wanna celebrate.
God, how I HATE these political messages! I HATE THEM!
It’s ruining this site. RUINING IT!
I hope they stop. It’s just WRONG.
DAMN TEABAGGERS!!!!!!
On that note:
Here’s wishes for a happy thanksgiving – from our BELOVED PRESIDENT ELECT, DONALD TRUMP!!! YEAY!!!!
“DB1’s a bleeding heart lefty since day one never bothered me before, doesn’t now. He’s an eloquent wordsmith. I like a good discourse. Bring it
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And by bring it I mean show me some tight hotties with flat tummies and perfect makeup. I’m thinking Ivanka Trump in a cameltoe-tight pair of Lululemons with nothing underneath with the camera angle that lets you see the razor burn bumps poking through, surrounding her vertical smile like a bunch of blue jacket secret servicemen talking into their sleeve mic protecting the President-Elect as if his tanning bed depended on it.”
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^^^
What Vin said.
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DB1 can make anything funny. We made it through the last 8 years without the filling of FEMA camps, did we not? He knows Hillary was a globalist puppet licking the liverwurst pantywaste from Angela Merkel’s canvas undies. Trump won’t be any different except he may have to gas a few malevolent Nazi collaberating Jewdogs.
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Even up here in Canuckistan, friends have been lost, relatives dismayed over this crucial revolution of the American Spirit. Vermont has barred me, but upstates will still let me in. I think it was the picture of my little Jewesses doing the Nazi salute with MAGA hats whilst holding surplus Soviet weapons at the gun range that did it.
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I picked the orange bastard as soon as I heard..” and some of them are good people.” The Art of the Deal was played out over his lifetime to reach this point. The most awesome non-violent corporate takeover the world will ever see, thanks to The Nuge.and shit
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What the Reverend sed.
To all of you who are still upset the Orange ChoadWank was victorious – I would like to offer a few words to bridge the gap between us and begin the healing. Some soothing words that will reduce animosity and draw us closer together.
Like:
HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA LOLROFLMAO! HEEEEEY, HIPPIEES!!! WEEE WON, YOUUUU LOST!!!! HOPE YOU ENJOY MOVING TO YOUR NEW PROGRESSIVE PARADISE IN NORTH KOREA OR SOMALIA OR CANUCKISTAN!!!!
Hope that made everyone feel better. I can feel us drawing closer already.
😉
To DB1:
I love you, man. In a ghey way. My tender buttcheeks quiver for you.
We all want you back. Even Mrs DB1 is supportive. ‘Course, it was just pillow talk, but I think she meant it this time.
😉
This place is fucking weird now. I like it.
As long as nobody, ya know……..crosses the line.
I lurv yuo, DB1. Touch me. In the Bad Place.
I can’t jerk off to any images or videos of the Trump bitches. Does that make me gay?
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Asking for a friend
Through the rain splattered windshield I spotted an aging Chihuahua, arthritic and gray of muzzle. It squatted in the dim morning drizzle perched on tenuous, trembling legs, attempting to evacuate its bowels in the wet front lawn of a dilapidated house trailer. With much effort it managed to squeeze a vile swirl of yellow-brown excrement on to the rotting leaves. After a few twitches of its thin tail it turned slowly toward the steaming pile and sniffed deeply.
Seeing that dog smelling its own feces brought to mind Nancy communicating with her own various alter-egos in these comments threads.
@Hermit First off, amazing visual poetry as per usual. Second off, I totally wish this site was all but a sex starved fever dream but alas it’s totally real and shit.
Dude:
1. Ivana Trump – the original wife. In yer Yoot, she was a hotty.
2. Marla Maples – SHWING!
3. Ivanka Trump – teh daughter. After her multiple plastic surgeries, SHWING!
4. Melania – OH MY GOD, UNNNGGGHHH!!!!
Some of the trump kids married some slurpalicious chicas too.
But, DB1, when I’m wanking to pics of the Trump babes, I can only think of you…..GGGGNNNNUUUUUUUUUNNNNGGGGHHH!!!!
Oh and DB1 – I’m just kidding. This vid proves my real feelings for you, which are much more platonic:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmV5Ry4LdZQ
p.s. I suspect some people are reacting to this in less than a positive manner:
@JKD 1:09am. I’m assuming you think anyone reads the comments besides me and my alternate personalities? Ha! Jokes on you bud. Post all the homoerotic stuff you want.
ETD? here,
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When I read Hermits words ” It squatted in the dim morning drizzle perched on tenuous, trembling legs, attempting to evacuate its bowels” It Reminded me of my youth after too much Tequila & Nitrous.
OMG, Nancy, where are you posting from? Ireland? Greenland? Iceland?
Can’t be in the USA…
Ha. I knew if Hermit posted Et Tu wouldn’t be far behind to lick his(Hermit’s) balls. Great stuff lads.
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Yeah JKD I’m posting from Iceland. I’m like Bjork but with much nicer tits. Why do you ask?
Your time zone ‘tag.’ It differs from mine a certain number of hours. Working backwards, it suggests you are not in the continental USA. Unless, of course, the tag is set to GMT.
Which of course would mean that DB1 is……..a LIMEY.
@JKD 2:55am. I don’t know dude. That’s just what your time stamp says on your comment. Maybe DB1 is a limey. Maybe Trump was a “Mancherian Candidate”. Maybe DarkDock really went tits up. Maybe it really is just me on here talking to all of my other personalities (except RevChad. I could never get that disconnected from reality if I tried.)
Life is full of fucking mysteries guy.
Nancy, why is your avatar different every single post? How are you doing this?
If you don’t tell me, I’m going to retreat to my safe space, put on an orange hairpiece and a MAGA cap, retrieve last year’s Valentine’s Day card from DB1 and touch myself.
@JKD 7:36a. The different avatars is an easy one to solve. It’s probably because I put in different fake emails each time. Hillary would be proud.
Even though I told you that stuff I still think you should do what you threatened to do and send pics of it to SkeezerD@hotmail.com. Thanks in advance.
DarkSock where are youuuuuuuu? Is the horse AIDS thing I made up truuuuue? Come out of your safe space and play!
So’s I called customer service , the chick says” Do you mind waiting on hold?”
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I said, “That depends, does your hold music suck balls?”
So’s if you wake up at 2:45 AM with a raging piss boner is it okay to go ahead and jank your squinting soldier to a photo array of Ivanka Trump before you eventually piss?
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Asking for a friend
So’s is it okay to look at a woman’s exposed nice ass and thong that’s slipped on wet pavement entering the mall before you offer her a hand to help her up?
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Because this really happened…
So’s I looked at this chick’s hot ass and thong when she slipped at the mall this past weekend. She really fell hard.
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I helped her up and made sure she was okay, even held her arm until she got into the mall and sat down. Bitch didn’t even say thank you…… maybe she saw my eyes pop out of my head when I saw her hot ass? Regardless, I still helped her, right? Right?
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Right?
So’s I waited on hold. They were playing Shadow Dancing by Andy Gibb on the line
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The gal comes back on while I’m belting out “SO IN A WORLD OF PEOPLE THERE”S ONLY YOU AND I…..”
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We both had a chuckle. When I hung up I kicked myself in the balls. Hard
So’s I needed a nap. I pulled the car into a back spot at the mall. While I’m out cold there’s a knock on the window. I wake up to a mall security guy
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I rolled down my window and said “What’s up , Blart?”
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Immediately my mind went to “That BITCH! Did she tell them I did something to her?
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But the dude just says he was checking on me because I looked dead!
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LULZ….!
So’s I kicked my self in the balls the other day. Don’t ever do this.
@Vin, your nuts must hang pretty low to accomplish such a feat with your feet. And I think that chick didn’t thank you because she considered your eyeful of her tush thanks enough. Still kinda rude of her though. And I think Ivanka might be a Fembot so you’re all good in that regards. And Nice to know one of the admins is still alive.
@Vin – wanking to Ivanka is MAGA-level hetero manly. Unless it’s Ivanka BEFORE her plastic surgeries. Then it’s downright ghey.
Oh, and stop kicking yourself in the sisters. Your kids will be born with tentacles coming outta their heads. Or worse – they’ll look like Prince.
One day I hope to reach this level of cool:
Where are the tramp stamp photos, Nancy?
@Carlos Danger, I sent them to your wife. ?.
In that case, can you get them from Mrs Danger and post them, Carlos?
No wonder the old woman was in such a dither the other day. She’s probably forgotten about it by now.
Damn.
Well, I’d be happy to post some pics of myself and my tramp stamp, if only I could figure out how to photoshop out the barnyard animals.
@Carlos Danger, women rarely forget things like that. So I sent them to your wife too JKD.
Unpossible. I’m not married. Not a woman on this planet lacks so much good sense.
@JKD, I sent one to DarkSock’s horse too. I’m sure someone will get around to posting it. And don’t sell yourself short JKD, I banged worse than you.
I Soviet Russia, bear fucks you!
It’s like Donkey Douche was added to the cast of Jersey Shore and then they do the next season in DC.
You never see Sarah Palin and Snookie in the same pic together, do you?
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