Thursday, June 2, 2011

HCwDB of the Month: Peter Pumpin’Head and Mary Mammtastic

The inflation run was notable for sheer cartoonish spectacle. And the victory (loss) was not to be denied. Witness the run: Pumpin’Head and Mary #2 and Pumpin’Head and Mary #3.

This inflated spectacle of gender extremes also appeared in 2010 as Veg Armstrong and UberArm and Pauline, and while that sometimes disqualifies a ‘Bag/Hott for consideration the following year, I’ll make an exception for the specularity of this spectacle.

Truth is, Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn really were the more mockable HCwDB combo in the contest, but the overwhelming stench of pumped up uberschlort was too much to overcome. As the voters speak:

Wedgie: The inflatable twins for the win. Number 4, and here’s your yearly unless we unearth another Stackhouse. Unlikely.

Chris in ‘Baghdad: His tiny head no doubt houses a tinier brain, and her giant mamms contain enough silicon to produce a million iPhones.

Anonymous: Mary has infinite density, her mammaries are built from barely constrained neutron stars, while Peter is nebulous, his biceps filled with an (un)noble gas. How could anything compare to this cosmic, paradoxical and soul-destroying pairing of weight per unit volumism? They are proof of the entropic decay of the universe and make me ponder the Big Crunch…

idfma: Peter and the woman with rock-hard breasts. Do you think he’s jelly that her breasts are harder than his pecs?

One for the Choad: Hott Jenn and Marissa are scrumtrulescent, and Bin Laden is, well, a turd, but I have to give my vote to the ridiculous Michelin Man sorry-ass excuse for a human being that is Peter Pump’inhead and Mary the Big Boobed Lady.

Douche Assassin: Pumpinhead takes this Monthly by the tip of his headhunter-sized noggin. What the hell is that. Is that a gorilla, a robot or a douche… and his “girl” isnt much better. Oh, the humanity!!!

I R A Darth Aggie: I want to rub butter on to Mary’s bolt-ons, whilst placing my foot on Peter’s head and forcing it under the waves. Yes, the Douchedox compells me to vote for Mary’s bolt-ons. I feel hideous and must shower.

Medusa Oblongata: I’m gonna go obvious and give my Paul to Peter and Mary. Then I’m gonna go not-so obvious and say that I’m voting for her because I can tell she used to be very, very hott. Then she got those hideous tits, that spiny, overchiseled nose and the 43 psi inflat-a-lips. She did that to herself so she could attract men. Huh? WE HAVE VAGINAS, THEY’RE LIKE MAGIC, WTF?

Indiana Choad and The Temple of Douche: Even though Mary is the least hot of all the hotts, (and yes, I’m including Bert), I’ll still vote for her and Pumper. There is just no way I can’t vote for the astonishingly distorted body images on display.

SonnyChibaChoad: Mammtastic Mary and her Mountains of MMMMilk FTW…too bad Pete’s twigs and berries will need restarting like Manny’s!

Troy Tempest: Voting matters, and my vote goes to the obvious winner: Inflate-o-Douche and Bleethy Blimp Boobs. These two are so over the top useless they makes my sinuses cake themselves in tiny bits of eggshell for protection.

DoucheyWallnuts: So for reasons too obvious to have to explain I cast my vote for Peter Pumpin’Head and Mary Mammtastic. Once again, to quote Flaubert, “Nothing is more humiliating than to see idiots succeed in enterprises we have failed in.” And I would fail if I attempted to pose in the manner of Pumpin and Mary…

Grand Douchemeister: I’d say Buzzy and Marissa, but Pumpin’head and Mammtastic are too douche/bleeth for words.

This is a case where the spectacles of Douche Aura and Bleeth Overwhelm trumps Douche Signifiers and Standard Hott Chick. Coming in a close second, Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn were a purist form of HCwDB, the classic type we usually mock.

McLeery: Pukey for sure. Peter and his girl, while ridiculous dont cut the mustard. She is not bleethy enough and his lack of tats, Ed Hardy gear and idiotic bling pull him out of the running.

ehcuodouche: Pukey is showing off a yeast infection, which is a serious party foul, and overrides the Rockstar Leniency Rule, which Pukey would get if he were actually a rockstar, and not a 7-11 clerk who sings part time for a crappy Aerosmith cover band in Dubuque, Iowa.

Choad the Douche Sprocket: Pukey and Hott Jenn FTM – ‘cuz he’s the only one of the bunch who deserves to be permanently exiled to Bin Laden’s Afghan estate…and she reminds me of the last Vegas stripper I ever polished off an 8-ball with.

anonymous: Pukey Bowie and Hott Jen for the simple fact that she appears to be rubbing that turd’s package and that makes me very very angry.

Mr. Scrotato Head: Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn because his life plateaued in his second run at the 11th grade, and she’s just into him for the free carwash tokens.

Well said people, and it’s good to see the dialectics of the mock continue in the strong comments thread. Coming in third and fourth, but with support, Buzzy and Marissa, and, of course, Evil Burt and Dead Bin Laden.

hermit: what I’d like to do is stare directly and unblinking into Marisa’s white-hot poon-dial until mucus mixed with Benadryl® bubbled from my nostrils, the image was burned permanently into both retinas and tiny drops of semen trickled from my weenus, dripping on my Red Wing® work boots.

But for sheer inflation in an economic recession, lets let The Mandouchian Candidate take us home:

Even laying down this Anus has his head tilted back and to the left. Peter Pumpinhead and Mary Mammapalooza hands down. I hope they both fall in a tiger trap and have to resort to eating one another to survive. Free Range Douche? I think not…

Free Range Douche indeed, TMC. The Peter P and Mary M for the Monthly. And your stubbley narrator for Rice Crispies with chocolate milk (cheaper than Coco Puffs and just as tasty).

# posted by douchebag1
7:10 am June, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

These two are as hard to take as an Ulf Samuelsson on Cam Neely’s ossified joints.

7:12 am June, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

These two are as hard to take as Cam Neely being exactly three months younger than you.

7:13 am June, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

These two are as hard to take as a self-catheterization. Son.

7:15 am June, 2 Tyrannosaurus Douche said...

Pumpy would not be pleased. I bet, even now in his grave, that Pumpy would still crush this Pumpy-wannabe.

OK, well maybe not. RIP Pumpy.

Son.

7:30 am June, 2 Et Tu Douche? said...

Meh, Pukey & Boozy Jenn waz robbed

7:32 am June, 2 Et Tu Douche? said...

These two are as hard to take as Cam Neely getting robbed of what would of been an incredible career.
.
Ulf Samulleson, Claude Lemieux not those are a couple of true Douchebags

7:36 am June, 2 Et Tu Douche? said...

I had to take another peak at Boozy Jenn and yup her smile still causes chub.

7:42 am June, 2 Anonymous said...

Well, the winner was my number two. And by number two, I mean a big steaming hairy pile of my dookie. Son.

7:44 am June, 2 Et Tu Douche? said...

^ I meant now not not. Son!!!!!

7:45 am June, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I can’t argue with a democratic vote. True to form, it favors the outlandish over the authentic. I’ve gotten a bit sick of the inflatables though. Especially since I saw her nude pics. If you thought her cartoonish rack might be fun to oogle, think again. It’s a hideous disfigurement.

7:49 am June, 2 Wedgie said...

Yeah, you guys are right. None of us would pop her if she asked us to. No, really.

7:58 am June, 2 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Wedgie
I agree I don’t think I could pop her i might poop on her doorstep though.

8:07 am June, 2 Collaz B. Popped said...

These two are as hard to take as Clark Gillies and Terry O’Reilly fighting in playoff hockey at the Boston Garden.

8:07 am June, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Wedgie
She is going to pop on her own. Keep her away from sharp objects.

8:13 am June, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Those two are as hard to take as a buffet away from Oprah.

8:14 am June, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Those two are as hard to take as a boat ride with Dark Sock.

8:14 am June, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Those two are as hard to take as heroin, once.

8:17 am June, 2 Whiskey Screams from a Guy With No Short-Term Memory said...

He looks like some deranged surgeon has shoved melons underneath his skin at random.

8:21 am June, 2 Mandouchian Candidate said...

@ DudeMcCrudeshoes- Nude pics???

8:33 am June, 2 DarkSock said...

Those two are as hard to take as a hot Pepsi enema

8:34 am June, 2 DarkSock said...

Those two are as hard to take as hairy aspirin with powdered milk.
.
.
^what?

8:35 am June, 2 DarkSock said...

Those two are as hard to take as a pee in a frozen jacuzzi.

8:35 am June, 2 DarkSock said...

Those two are as hard to take as bad hepatitis news from your neighbor’s horse veterinarian…

8:36 am June, 2 DarkSock said...

Your neighbor with lax horse corral security…which makes it his fault, really…when you think about it.

8:38 am June, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Mandouchian Candidate, yep. Her vanity web site was given in a previous thread (probably by her?) Think the name was Gizel? Use that and some other creative google key words. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
.
Or find her website, though you’ll be hit up for $$. While I think she looks ridiculous, it’s her bod and and her right to try to earn some buck off it if she wants.

9:12 am June, 2 Nancy Dreuche said...

Damn, that means we’re gonna have to see them again. And I guess it doesn’t even matter that she’s not hot. Hey, Stackhouse won the yearly without a hot broad at his side, I guess that means Pumpin and his inflatabride have a chance too.

9:24 am June, 2 Crucial Head said...

@Nancy Dreuche,
.
I didn’t vote for Stackhouse and I didn’t vote for this fugly pair of beasts. Hell, I’m still pissed that all 22,473 of my text votes for Pia Toscano on American Idol went unheeded by the misguided public of this floudering country.
.
And by “my text votes,” I of course mean a friend of my friend’s… who uhhh… is… errr… just a friend, and… uhmmmm, like gayer than Plinky’s bottom bunk mattress in cell block D.

9:25 am June, 2 Organic Alpaca Nutrition said...

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Well, don’t be caught off guard, we now offer for 2011 our new Flavored Organic Ribbed Condoms®. With this new product you can feel safe and secure, as they are guaranteed not to break, tear or rip even under the most vigorous conditions, or your money back!
You simply CAN’T LOSE!!!
.
And if that horse is already out of the gate, don’t fret. Here at OAN we’re offering a groundbreaking new product called AL-trex®. Although not a cure, AL-trex® can greatly reduce the pain and discomfort associated with Llama and Alpaca related herpes symptoms.*
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*this product has not been tested on goats, sheep or canines.

9:29 am June, 2 Hermit said...

@ Crucial Head,
I’m still pissed about wasting my vote on Ross Perot in ’92.

9:42 am June, 2 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

My god, her hand look’s like a Harpy claw. Imagine that wrapped around your meat cleaver.
.
@Crucial Head,
I’m still pissed about wasting my vote on Diet Coke over Diet Pepsi.

9:46 am June, 2 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@ Dude McCrudeshoes
.
Agree on the oversized fun bags. Nobody wants to see basketball sized pemento-stuffed olives.
.
Unless they’re floating in a hot-tub sized martini glass and aren’t attached to an overtanned, brittle haired scagg.

10:20 am June, 2 Vin Douchal said...

These two are as hard to take as an unlubed colonoscopy with a circular file
.
.
@Crucial Head,
I’m still pissed about Bucky Fucking Dent

10:32 am June, 2 DarkSock said...

@Crucial Head,
I’m still pissed about Walter Fucking Mondale. otter cock.

10:33 am June, 2 DarkSock said...

@Crucial Head,
I’m still pissed about wasting my vote on Pedro. Baboon slit.

10:34 am June, 2 DarkSock said...

@Crucial Head,
I’m still pissed about wasting my vote on proposition 19. Son.

11:41 am June, 2 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Crucial Head,
I’m still pissed about not making it north of the border to partake of the Rev’s stash. Son!!1

11:54 am June, 2 Mandouchian Candidate said...

I’m still pissed it’s not butter.

4:46 pm June, 2 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Crucial Head, I’m stll pissed about the Darren switch on “Bewitched”.

6:05 pm June, 2 ehcuodouche said...

@Crucial Head, I’m still pissed that one doctor doesn’t recommend Trident for their patients that chew gum.

6:07 pm June, 2 ehcuodouche said...

^Dentist, dentist, ack. Fuck. I’ve been in a meeting all day and my brain is fried.

8:35 pm June, 2 Anonymous said...

If that’s how much the ‘roids have shrunk this clown’s head, his nut-sack must look like a couple of edamames in the tip of tied-off rubber.

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