Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Honorary Douchebag of the Month: The Carnival Barker


In honor of this unholy asswipe remaining on my teevee, I thought I’d repost this Reader Mail question, in its entirety, from it’s original appearance on November 24th, 2009:

—————
Hey db1,

This morning, while pondering the vainglorious pomposity and uber-sonic deuchebaggery that is Donald Trump, I began to wonder: is he not a HCwDB Founding Father?

The pursed lips, the horrific orange comb-over, the trashy-riche persona, and the hots who adore him….

where would deuchebagging be today if it weren’t for Donald Trump? Years, perhaps decades behind the scrotal curve.

Perhaps a new hall, the “DB Founding Fathers,” could restore balance to the universe.

– Scrotald McDoteald
—-

1980s Trump is definitely one of the Choadal Founding Fathers of the modern ‘bag plague. His garish excesses and narcissistic self-absorption led to the modern club going puds we see attempting to “live large” today.

Trump is a founder of the religion of consumptive narcissism. His soul is as hollow as his hotels are empty. Sure we can make fun of the hair. But even hairless, Trump combs over his psyche to hide the crisis of empathetic absence that rots underneath.

# posted by douchebag1
9:24 am April, 27 tall guy said...

I second this proposal!

9:32 am April, 27 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

In any civilized culture, someone would make up some ridiculous criminal charges, frame him for it, and sentence him to be dragged naked by a team of horses through streets until there was nothing left of him.
.
Instead, the more idiocy he spews, the more air time he is given in a never ending cycle like a perpetual motion machine.
.
Someone please put a burning tire around his neck.

9:54 am April, 27 pugsly said...

Donald Dump is certainly a archtype, he may well be the prototype, but he is also the greatest, just ask him.

10:09 am April, 27 Tyrannosaurus Douche said...

I see nip. Son.

10:12 am April, 27 Deltus said...

Trump’s self-absorbtion makes Stackhouse look positively well-adjusted.

10:18 am April, 27 smackdouche said...

I’m sorry, but I must argue for a nottadouche pass.

Using the Stackhouse example, a douchebag wants you to believe that he has power, influence, money, hot women, etc..
Trump does IN FACT, have these things. He IS a celebrity. I’m not saying he is a great and wonderful person. I’m simply saying he is not a douchebag using the definition that we hold dear.

10:22 am April, 27 Fatness said...

As the one who injected Snooki and her tribe of single-digit-IQ troglodytes into the national psyche, I wouldn’t be pointing too many fingers there, boss.
.
Glass houses…
.
Trump is a media circus clown, and everyone here would trade places with him in a heartbeat. I can’t say that for many of the genuine douchebags featured on this site.

10:30 am April, 27 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Show me his birth certificate.

10:31 am April, 27 Crottenham said...

I definitely see some nip on the hottie, right boob….

10:32 am April, 27 Banana Hammock said...

aww come-on… Trump could afford bigger sweater hams for his lady friend! FAIL! boo

10:40 am April, 27 Anonymous said...

@ Rev. Chad.

He can someone like him have a birth certificate? Such certificates are public documents used to record the birth of a living person.

They are not used to record a female taking a massive hairy dump. Which is clearly what Trump’s mother did.

10:41 am April, 27 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

In other media sideshow news: my head is going to explode like that dude in Scanners if I have to hear any more about this upcoming limey wedding. Apparently Oscar Wilde is marrying Frodo Baggins, or somesuch nonsense.

10:43 am April, 27 Troy Tempest said...

SPY magazine used to call him “the short fingered vulgarian”.

10:51 am April, 27 Hermit said...

Trump is a loud-mouthed clown who’s increasing appetite for the spotlight and apricot-laced milk duds has now moved through all three phases of the unholy trinity of Egotistical Douchedom. Business, Hollywood and Politics.
Meanwhile, our Naked Emperor vomits up his own rhetoric, salting the once-fertile ground with incompetence. Feeding the Machine’s insatiable appetite with flesh stripped off the bones of newborn infants. Winking his eye while the killing fields and torture chambers remain open for business. “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain,” while the moistened bodies slide down the chutes and into flag-draped dumpsters.
Submissive lapdogs genuflect before him, lapping up the vomit and spinning lies and excuses to the ignorant multitudes.
In the skies overhead, slit-eyed buzzards circle over the stench of impending death.

11:01 am April, 27 Nancy Dreuche said...

^Dammit Hermit, this machine you keep talking about sounds fucking hot. I wish to operate it. And am I the only one that noticed a nip slip?!!! What is going on here? Is this the bizarro Hot Chicks with Douchebags comment section?

11:05 am April, 27 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Remember when the rich stayed in the background and it was positively scandalous if even the smallest indiscretion was exposed? Now the vast majority of rich qualify as giant douchebags with Trump here being the King. Unfortunately he’d be happy to know I consider him the King of the Douchebags.

11:06 am April, 27 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Uh, am I the only one who is seeing the near nip slip here? C’mon people, where are your priorities? Stop paying attention to the woolly-headed platypus and focus!

11:12 am April, 27 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Dr. Bunsen,
I swear I saw it as well. I even looked up the imagine on Tineye to see if it was a known nip (areola) slip. Eastern European MILFy gold-diggers are hott.

11:15 am April, 27 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Doc B, that’s what I’m talkin’ about. And yeah Trump only gets tang because he has money. His personality and appearance are eye gouge inducing. If he was poor and did the same shit people would pay him no mind.

11:20 am April, 27 creature said...

if he runs for pres. there is only one acceptable running mate to balance the ticket…Blagojevich!

11:20 am April, 27 Nancy Dreuche said...

In conclusion, if you looks and sound and act like Donald Trump you best start making some cash if you ever want to get laid. In a monetaryless society this douche would have no pull or power.

11:27 am April, 27 Hermit said...

If I’m not mistaken, I think I see a nipple!

11:28 am April, 27 DanDierdorf said...

People who see a nipslip need a biology refresher.

And your mom says “no!”.

11:30 am April, 27 Anonymous said...

You know guys, I’m new to this site, but you all seem to be missing a nipple.

11:36 am April, 27 Nancy Dreuche said...

I’m sorry DanDierdorf, I meant to say areola. Tomato tomato.

1:30 pm April, 27 Hermit said...

Nancy 11:01,
.
I’m sorry, but no one can operate the Machine, the Machine operates us.

1:31 pm April, 27 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Creatch 11:20
BWAAAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! I promise you, half of the funds they rake in for their campaign will be spent on ultra-hold lacquer hair spray.

1:35 pm April, 27 Medusa Oblongata said...

I have to say, Fatness, I really wouldn’t want to trade places with him. I just don’t have the kind of personality that would make me okay with what he does. Once upon a time, Ol’ Medusa used to squat down to take a shit and rolls of hundreds would come out. Those days are long over, and I’ve found I’m better off and happier without that kind of money. Trust me, I never imagined I could ever go back to the way things were, but I did and found I missed having to think to solve problems, to work hard and practice restraint to get what I want, instead of just flinging money around to fix things/distract myself. Plus, I really like not having to make an eagle’s nest comb over every morning. I’m lucky I can get my socks to match in my somnolence, much less screw around with a hair dryer….

1:39 pm April, 27 Fatness said...

Anon, 11:30 am: I checked. All three of mine are present and accounted for.

1:40 pm April, 27 Fatness said...

M.O., I was referring to the guys but you make a good point.

4:14 pm April, 27 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Fatness–No worries. But I would trade places with Peter North in a hot second.

6:37 pm April, 27 Steve L. said...

the Republican Party would do well to shoot everyone in Trump’s Presidential Exploratory Committee, should he ever form one.

8:11 pm April, 27 Italodouche said...

God Bless HCWDB. God Bless The Onion:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/trump-unable-to-produce-certificate-proving-hes-no,20250/

9:16 pm April, 27 DarkSock said...

Well, there’s the answer to my burning question, “What does it look like when a merkin gets stuck on the end of a donkey cockk, due to the highly adhesive nature of donkey jizz?”.
.
I was actually disappointed to see President Obama reduced to producing his birth certificate, for two reasons:
.
1.) Anyone Tealiban moron that fucking stupid is simply going to look at ANY document produced, rub their Kool-Aid stained chin, and then sagely pronounce “Forgery. Mmm-hmmm”. Let’s face it; “Kenyan” was the TeaBagger’s code word for “nigger”. Racist Dongs.
.
2.) I was dissapointed that the amount of gullibility and willful ignorance in this country has apparently reached such a critical mass.
.
I will respectfully discuss political ideology, be it conservative, moderate, or progressive, with anyone exhibiting a modicum of intelligence and common sense. But then there’s just fucking dumbassery. Jeebus. Has EVERYONE lost their minds?
.
In the immortal words of Mugatu, “I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!”.

10:15 pm April, 27 tinkertoy said...

DarkSock:

You are a deep thinker and I thank you for that. We have not all lost our minds – thank gawd for HCWDB – it keeps me sane.

12:56 am April, 28 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Damn, I always thought that Richard Grieco was THE founding father of douchebaggery.
Okay, maybe I’m confused. Perhaps his only claims to infamy are being the source of the Grieco Virus, and being responsible for the downfall of Ms Bleeth.

Trump is truly in a class by himself. But then, aren’t all New Yorkers?

5:01 am April, 28 Collaz B. Popped said...

Melania is hot.

Trump is not an average NY person. Neither are the sterotypes everyone here has.

Yes, Dark Sock,,,the country has gone deaf, dumb and blind to reason. Except on this site.

Can u say New Jersey Housewives? etc.

6:26 am April, 28 I Wonder......... said...

If Donald the Douche was on the “other side” this subject would not have come up.
He is a giant a-hole who loves attention. He would make a great politician. He couldn’t fuck the country up anymore than the last least two ass clowns.

6:43 am April, 28 I Wonder......... said...

Pretty typical to say “racism” when you don’t agree with someone elses point of view.
1. Obama could have ended this long ago by showing the certificate. He is not the first nor the last politician to be questioned about his birth certificate
2. This country is FUBAR. Why the hell did the media give this subject so much attention? A distraction? Maybe or maybe Americans are so wrapped up with sides they don’t care about the real problems they just want their side to be right at the expense of the continued deterioration of our rights
Idiocracy at its finest………………….

7:45 am April, 28 DarkSock said...

@ everyone else: Excuse the following tiresome quasi-off-topic rant.
.
@ I Wonder:
.
I agree with your #2 point. As far as the #1 point: Yeah, he could have produced a birth certificate, and then spend the following months steppin’ and fetchin’ to disprove every other turd thong’s slander and slur. That would have been a Classic Democrat Pussy Move; I’m glad the man said fuck ’em. But the lie grew legs, and Trump, with his low IQ fan base, fed it. Will he be President? Fuck no. Will he spike his reality show ratings? Already happened.
.
The reason I accuse tea baggers of racism is because I firmly believe most of them are passive racists. The tiresome kind that will tell you they have a black friend, but he’s “one of the good ones”. For fuck’s sake; just go read any of Fox.com’s more inflammatory news article’s trailing comments sections and the true colors come through. I wish I had a dollar for every time some latent cracker referred to the elected president of this country as “n*gger” with the asterik in place of an “i”, which of course makes it “ok”. I would have enough dollars to get a handie from Mr. White many times over ($37 ea.).
.
Which leads back to your excellent 2nd point. This isn’t REALLY about racism, or liberals, or deficit spending. This is about a very cynical cluster of Karl Rove acolytes who took a good long look at the model by which the NRA was hi-jacked from being a gun safety organization to a wild-eyed bunch of extremists demanding their right to wield Mac-10’s and AK-47’s.
.
The hi-jacking of the NRA and the GOP was accomplished by the fulcrum of fear and the lever of anger. And it WORKS. It was no coincidence that every time a round of elections came up, W’s handlers ratcheted the silly ass threat level up to orange. And how else can you get the vast majority of working poor to vote for the interests of the very rich minority? By telling these hard working NASCAR fans, who are quick to anger and slow to understand, that them faygits is gonna marry, take their guns, and tax them to fund abortions. WORKS. EVERY. TIME.
.
And the progressives, liberals, democrats, whatever you want to call them, are too pussy to fight fire with fire. Which is noble I suppose; stupid but noble.
.
Matt Parker and Trey Stone had it right. Pussys, Dicks and Assholes. But here we work the Douchebag side of the street, so excuse my windy foray. It’s just that The Donald has one foot in baggery, one foot in KKKarl Rove Goonery.

8:58 am April, 28 DarkSock said...

And YES WE CAN. Make fun of the hair.
.
Son.

10:11 am April, 28 mr.reeve said...

Donald Trump is a used car salesman. Do we really need to spend more time talking about him?
Sock, the internet is filled with tough guys in chat rooms, blogs, threads, etc. How do you know the so called “racist” typing stuff isn’t doing it to stir the pot or make that thread or blog look like it has a bunch of racist members or followers? You can’t be 100% positive but I see the point. Shit, I know liberal people who use the n word. Should I assume all liberals are racist because of a few ignorant ones? Of course not. All I know is this, Trump is a douche and that point we can all agree upon. Go away Donald and take your animal fur with you…………SON
By the way….AREOLA FTW “Get some”

10:22 am April, 28 Anonymous said...

…The reason I accuse tea baggers of racism is because I firmly believe most of them are passive racists. …

You’re wrong, and a statement like that is beneath the intelligence you normally display. And your childish use of “tea baggers” and “Tealiban” doesn’t add any intellectual force, either.

…I was dissapointed that the amount of gullibility and willful ignorance in this country has apparently reached such a critical mass….

After you witnessed the results of the 2008 presidential election, this should have come as no big surprise.

As we spend ourselves into oblivion and/or irrelevance, it’s nice, isn’t it, that we can take comfort in feeling intellectually superior to a few idiots who get an outsized amount of press? Ah yes, I feel so much better now. Here’s your fiddle, Nero. While you’re playing, ponder the meaning of “increased the debt by a greater amount than the sum total of all presidents that came before him”. If you can . . . and I’m not sure anyone’s mind can truly grasp those numbers, even the remarkably powerful mind of someone who can consider his intellectual prowess safely above that of a birther. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, and move along. There’s nothing to see here but a few racists.

(Or is it only acceptable when the snark comes from a leftward perspective?)

10:31 am April, 28 DarkSock said...

I must disagree with you on an important ideological standpoint, Mr. Reeve.
.
That’s a shadow, not a nippular halo peek.
.
Sorry.
.
Son.
.
But I still will spank to it. Because that shadow paints a boob.

10:32 am April, 28 DarkSock said...

Maybe it’s a bite bruise. Damn Donald’s Dentures.

10:38 am April, 28 Hermit said...

@ I Wonder,
.
Point #1:
The Clintons, (blatant racists) were the first to ask for Obama’s birth certificate, he had every right not to present it. He finally did, only when his approval ratings began to drop further.
Point#2:
Sadly, you’re so right. When it takes the idiots in Washington two months, and the best they can do is shave 33 billion off the bloated budget, and in that two months the country goes another 70 billion in debt, the game’s over. It’s no longer a case of ideology but mathematical certainty.

11:03 am April, 28 mr.reeve said...

Sock, that’s uncalled for. Don’t deflate my Boehner like that. See what I did there……..SON God damned shadows!!!

1:12 pm April, 28 DarkSock said...

@ Hermit: It’s bad enough trying to drag facts into a political discussion, but MATH? Good luck with that. I have a mathematician friend (but he’s one of the good ones).
.
I think it’s time we all just wrote a nice letter to China and learned Mandarin. And I want to go on the record and saying I was into Chairman Mao before it was cool. Which will be in 5 years.

1:36 pm April, 28 Hermit said...

@ Dark Sock,
If the mathematician you’re referring to is Mr. White, I’m afraid you’re using the term, “one of the good ones,” rather loosely.
.
Small cats, indeed.

2:26 pm April, 28 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Darksock
.
I see your points but I must respectfully disagree with one of them: “…the NRA was hi-jacked from being a gun safety organization to a wild-eyed bunch of extremists demanding their right to wield Mac-10’s and AK-47’s.”
.
It is the MEDIA that portrays every NRA member like this. Yes, of course it is a VERY conservative organization but no one I know is crazed or demanded anything (and it is legal to have an AK-47 as long as 20% of the parts are made here. See the 1968 Gun Bill and subsequent legislation. A MAC-10 can also be legal if it has been modified so that it shoot only in semi-auto otherwise you need a Class III license and an EXTENSIVE background check with fingerprinting, a promise of your first-born child, and give up the right to any future Social Security income, but that’s another story). The first and foremost idea is still gun rights AND gun safety with the NRA. The NRA managed to get ridiculous legislation overturned in DC and Chicago that didn’t allow citizens the right to own guns. Of any kind. At all. For any reason. Even thought the second amendment says it is fine to do so anywhere in the country. AND the NRA is pushing for the Department of Justice to open up an investigation about why a border patrol agent was shot to death with a rifle that was purchased here by known Mexican drug gangs and allowed to walk across the border with the Department’s full knowledge. These are just two of the issues that the NRA has been involved in recently but the media doesn’t publicize them because (say this in your best Mr. Mackey voice) “Guns are bad!” If you listen to Michael Bloomberg no one but cops and the military should have them. Oh and then someone might want to tell that to the criminals too because they might get confused. Hillary Clinton and former Mayor Daley from Chicago want NATO law to supersede the Constitution when it comes to owning firearms here. That’s just plain silly! Why bother even having one then? You’re right though when it comes to trying to get people to vote. Tell them taht something they don’t agree with will happen and then it will spurs them into action. Whether that is good or bad depends on your personal viewpoint but I luvs me my guns and ain’t no one gonna pry all of them from my cold, dead body if I can help it!

9:18 pm April, 28 DarkSock said...

Hey, don’t get me wrong, Doc Bunsen. I happen to LIKE guns, and shooting shit with guns, and smelling guns after they’re discharged. My point was simply that the NRA leadership has figured out the way to swell membership and have said members gleefully hand over dues as though they were Palestinians buying gunpowder for Jihad, is to use FEAR. The tenor of your blurb above, and specifically the last sentence, drives home my point. It’s a self-perpetuating billing machine that tells its members one thing: THEY GONE TAKE YER GUNS!!!….and the cash rolls in.
.
I’m sure the gun abolishment loons on the other side of the argument fill their coffers with the same tactics, but in reverse.
.
I’m simply sick of living in a country where otherwise intelligent people are manipulated and driven by fear. One of my friends whom I greatly respect chewed my damn ear off for an hour at a bar before the last presidential election, frothing at the mouth at what was gonna happen if “Obama Bin Laden” got elected. Finally I asked him to explain McCain’s platform. He couldn’t tell me a fucking thing. And he went to the polls and voted in fear and anger without a fucking shred of useful information in his head about either candidate.
.
That’s my point.

10:26 pm April, 28 Stephanie said...

Hair turd pigface is just trying to lift his ratings on that lousy tv show that no one watches.

5:30 am April, 29 Hermit said...

I know a good friend whom I truly admire, we were cuddling on the couch last night watching The Royal Wedding when he said, “the Tea Party is a bunch of racists.” I asked him what the Tea Party’s stated goals were and he couldn’t tell me.
OK that was bullshit. Sure there are probably racists in the Tea Party, just as there are probably racists in the Elks Club, the NAACP and the Minnesota Twins Fan Club.
If President Obama would come out next week and announce serious plans to cut 200 billion out of the 2012 budget, (still only a drop in the bucket) the Tea Party would be gone within a month, and he would win the 2012 election in a landslide.
People are vehemently opposed to tax increases, why give up more of our money when it’s put into a government black hole of waste? However, if the government actually displayed real resolve in balancing budgets and reducing the deficit, tax increases would become much more palatable.
Of course, none of this will happen. Politicians base policy on the two-year election cycle. Their interests are not the long term good of the country, but their own political careers.
We need term limits, and I need a cup of coffee.
I apologize, I’m tired of political debate, I just hope we can all get our shit together. I have kids.

8:05 am April, 29 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Darksock
.
My blurb above was meant to be 50% tongue-in-cheek and the other 50% factual. It’s hard to come across that way in just writing. I thought the last sentence totally gave me away (I’m not very good at that type of thing). Bloomberg and Clinton do scare me but I know there are enough level-headed people to ever let NATO or the U.N. change our constitution. I have had lots of conversations at the gun range where I’m a member about lots of completely ridiculous ideas/shit with sheeple who have no basis for their thoughts let alone their actions and I just wanted to make sure that not everyone in the NRA was lumped that way. Sometimes I thank God we’re all armed in there because stupid people in groups can be dangerous (if you know what I mean). I think everyone here knows I’m pretty conservative in my politics but I’m not nearly stupid enough to see a good idea when it comes up. I actually think we’re fairly the same, it’s just that you live on the other side of the fence. And that’s cool. I’m glad there are people who do.
.
And that ends my realpolitik discussion for hopefully forever here. And now back to the mocking.

8:43 am April, 29 Hermit said...

Let me also add to my “Obama’s budget cut” scenario:
.
.

The next day, the Republicans would have a press conference saying that they’re “Very troubled by the President’s proposal because it…”
.
a.” doesn’t go far enough”
.
b.” goes too far”
.
c. ” wasn’t our idea..”
.
Like Dr. Bunsen says, we all need to be a little more pragmatic.

11:25 am April, 29 DarkSock said...

Obamastroid

6:36 pm April, 29 DarkSock said...

aaaaand…..I peed in a horse once.

10:43 am May, 1 Medusa Oblongata said...

BEWBS

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