Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Douchiest Pepsi: Alissa's Pepsi Challenge

Affliction taint of barely-legal-hott for the Peptragedy.

Most Euro Eurobag: Brobot

Our resident drunk nihilist, The Reverend Chad Kroeger, hands out the award:

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As I sit here in my deluxe home office in which I do nothing but watch porn, checkout whats on HCwDB, look at escort websites and roll doobies if there is enough room cause of the beer bottles. I grow more irate with time as the Europeans suck the life out of their socialized fish and chips eating citizens and Will and Kate’s f@cking horse faced foetus is the front story of a world crazed with celebrity and excess, I am reminded of Herman Melville who stated in his writings that, “It is the douchebag amongst us who takes delight in the plight of the poor who eat poo and sucheth. They who whine and purr aesthetic while lounging in their testicle baring shorts the very reason why this country was founded by those who were tired of Angela Merkel’s soiled liverwurst-dripping pantywaste and the cornucopia of poseurs in the Europa of Aldous Huxley’s writings.”

Son

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Well done, Reverend. More Brobot Brobaggery here, here, and here.

Douchiest Facial Fung: The Craptastropher

Yeesh.

Craptastrophy is right.

From back in June, the douchiest facial fung winner had lots of competition, no seriously, lots.

But none must pass ‘cept the Craptastroper.

A well earned 2012 Douchie Award. Now lets never look at this taintmellon again.

HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 2

Your second round of the semis, make it count:

HCwDB of the Year Bracket 2 Semifinalist #1: Orangudan and Vegas Kim

Woe is the Orange hemorrhoid in presence of tasty slutty hott Vegas Boobie Suckle.

Whiteheads.

Pimples.

Inflatables.

Douche.

That’s my poem for the morning.

The ‘Dan showed up back in May, winning a monthly with ease, and then turning up again.

For sheer inflated uberdouchosity, it is hard to find more scrotal two-tonery.

But is this shrieking Vegas orange scrotal choad plus Kim Hott enough to make it to the finals of the finals?

Two more to go:

HCwDB of the Year Bracket 2 Semifinalist #2: Grover McPocalypse and Sarah Lawrence Sarah

From all the way back in February comes our first Monthly winner of 2012. this Patchouli smelling bohoemeth of taintal lick hitting on the hot chick we know as Sarah, even if she is making the Bleeth-face.

And don’t forget Grover Grover choke-throtting Heather.

Groves is a great example of dirty mock.

All sorts of hackey sack slack on a hip-hop grunge tip.

The only drawback is Sarah’s kissy lips.

Too Bleethy for true Hott/Douche alterity?

Enough to make it to the finals?

One more to go:

HCwDB of the Year Bracket 2 Semifinalist #3: Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy

With the dead eyes of a douche-shark, the tatts of an anal wart, and cohabit with the doe-eyed perfection of Cindy, the Jerkwad is tough competition indeed.

And lets not forget Guggenheim 2023 entry, “Innocence and Poo Face.”

Theirs is a cohabit of suck.

A vortex of ferret puke.

A Wally World of spin-cycle assmunchery.

But is it enough to knock off the herpsterism of Grover and Sarah and the Vegas meatmusclery of Orangudan and Vegas Kim?

Now’s I need you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Douchiest Family: The Tapoutskys

From September.

Remember kids, the family that douches together… uhm… watches Claude LeLouch’s films together.

Yeah. That’s it.

Jerziest Jerz: Arturo, Skinny Cathy, and a Filthy-Ass Door

This Weekly winning cohabit from DarkSock’s reign of (t)error in August encapsulates the Jerzey aesthetic and wins a coveted Douchie Award.

There’s was lots of Jerz Poo this year, from Vinnies and Vinnies to Burnt Umber Tanning Moms.

But Arturo summons the tacky, yet resilient (props to post-Sandy N.J.) spirit of Guidoland.

Hardiest Hardy: ThisGuy and Mellany Mellonson

The Ed Hardy global douchestain may be fading. But it is not gone yet. And we will mock until iti s.

From August’s Thoughts and Links, this odious clown in presence of Mellany’s gazangazans takes home the 2012 Douchie Award for Hardiest Hardy.

And by Hardiest, I mean Softiest.

Douchiest Doucheface: Mongor

The first of our regs awards, lets give out Douchiest Doucheface.

DoucheyWallnuts gives out the award (click on this link for the 48fps aural experience):

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The Douchiest Doucheface is a signature award, in that without the properly douchie facial expression a douche may go unnoticed, or at least under-appreciated. Let me tells ya, its a real friggin honor to be selected to give this here award.

So, keepin this in mind, this year I focused my attention in lookin for the Douchiest Doucheface amongst our monthly winners and contenders, as these egregious examples of the lowest rung of human existence set the bar (low) for the next generation of human detritus. Detritus, I says.

The year started with the old standard Kissy Lips Face (KLF) being the prevalent mode of expression. But as the year went on we saw a trend towards the blank expression and a look of not-so-mild retardation.

Was this change of expressions due to actual chromosomal damage caused by inhaling too much Axe Body Spray and cheap booze, or was this, “New Face” a willful act on behalf of Douches across the globe; is the Blank Face the new Kissy Lips?

So without further ado, let’s hit it.

January represented the end of the old era, start of the new, with Grover McPocalypse topping three classic douchefaces; Andy Swirlwind, Tony the Curdle and Blender Barry. In years past one of these three f@ckwits would have been candidates for the yearly, but the body odor and scary demeanor of Grover scared the Kissy Lips face off of every douche in the country.

Voguegina (May) – Nuance thy name is Voguegina. The slight drawing in of the cheeks gives this douchebag of the month contender a smarmy quality that makes you want to punch him until the flesh on his face resembles Jenna Jameson’s Zool after Tito Ortiz gets done with her. Zool, I says.

Sleepy Jerkenstein (April) – Jerkenstein gave a drug-addled flavor to the Blank Face. Huffing no doubt contributes to Sleepy’s expression as much as punching it would assuage the feelings of hatred and disgust you have for him. Assuage, I says.

Orangudan (May) – Orangudan sprouted from an abscess that formed on Tendon Ted’s hip that was the result of too many steroid injections in that site. His variety of the Blank Face is the Gas Face. And if you ever have the displeasure of speaking to Orangudan you will find that he makes as much sense as do the lyrics of the song of the same name, by 3rd Bass. “A box of Newports, and Puma sweats (“Damn!”)

“Tex feeds and frowns upon Emus To give up Gas Face he drinks from a Thermos.” The Orangudan never uttered a more incoherent statement from his expressionless face. You don’t want to hit Orangudan in the face. No you don’t. Unless you want dead.

Jack the Lipper September – Jack gave it a shot on behalf of all the hipster pussies out there. Really he did. But rather than exude toughness or attitude, he just exudes a prodigious amount of pussiness, just as his pie hole would exude cries of pain and anguish as he gets punched about the head, face and neck area.

And finally we have Mongor, who’s been hangin around for the last few months – Mongor’s blank expression, whether it be due to retardation or cocaine and Extasy abuse, is the baseline from which all other douche faces sprout. It is very difficult to get a more Minimalist facial expression than Mongor, and this douchebag’s face sets the new standard. One has the sense that Mongor would remain expressionless even with a barrage of punches raining down on his punim. Punim, I says. Mongor is our winner (loser) for 2012 Douchiest Doucheface.

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“Assuage, I says” for the win.

The Ricky: SweaterMan Twists

The hallowed Ricky Award, named after this legendary dancing everyman, is given out every year to the Joe Schmoe caught in mid-bustin’ dance move.

This year it goes to the ambiguously gaynonymous Sweater Man.

Maybe not ambiguously.

But for worst dance move of the year in service of everyman douchery, the annoying SweaterMan takes the prize.

Douchiest Hair: Mickey The Polyp

While voting’s going on, lets give out the first official 2012 Douchie Award.

This greased-up Weekly Winner from April beats out the more overtly laughable douche-hair candidates.

Lets look at the candidates. There was The Poo Tip, The Putzschmuck, The Hawkward, Harvesthead, Froey Buttafuco, The Rusty Trombone, even the ridiculous Shmuckholio and Jewfroey Toddfro.

Meegods that’s a helluva lot of stupid for one universe.

But Mickey The Polyp brought the truly douchiest hair grease to the year, and so we hand out the first official 2012 Douchie Award for Douchiest Hair to this anal cyst.