News
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Monday, September 18, 2023
(NOT) BREAKING: Russell Brand is a douchebag
The latest news about this odious toxic spew of a greasy celebubag is about as surprising as finding out Bill Maher routinely hires prostitutes or that Jared Leto likes underage girls.
Oh wait, those stories haven’t broken yet, have they.
Here’s what I wrote when a reader asked me about Brand and I decided he deserved Honorary Douchebag of the Month back in March of 2009. Yep, his toxic wankpuffery has been around that long.
Hello DB1,
Wondering if you had any good pictures of rising douchewanker Russell Brand.
A British comedian that looks like the spawn of a known scrote Mystery from that reality TV show. He’s like the Dane Cook of the UK to be exact. Well it looks like Comedy Central is giving him his own Comedy Central Presents. Least to say I’m already annoyed by his post-baroque hair style and series of unfunny quips. I’d like to hear your wise commentary on this one particular douche.
Thanks,
Jeff
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Much like puds Dane Cook and John Mayer, Russell Brand attempts to use a sly self-knowing ironic framework with which to justify the authentobaggery at work at his core.
This is no excuse.
The primping, preening invocation of 19th Century British “Dandy” culture enrages both Benjamin Disraeli and Oscar Wilde. It is nostalgia repurposed as originality under guise of danger, yet it is none of the three. Attempts to use a humor framework to justify the “game” is simply another game, and is to be denounced as such.
Even worse, Brand spends many interviews talking about how many women he bangs, then undercuts the bravado by framing it as a form of “shtick,” in reference to his screwed up childhood. Using biographical trauma as justification for a desire to get laid? Even worse.
If you want to get laid, get laid, Brandbag. Just don’t annoy the rest of us with your compulsive neediness, then perform like it’s all an “act.” It’s not. You’re turtle feed in the aquarium of Hollywood mirror culture. Yet neither Cuff nor Link want to consume you. So slowly dissolve in the water by the marbles.
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Wednesday, April 29, 2020The Coronabag
If Covid took douche-human form, it would be this guy. And we would all become the hot chicks.
Ponder that metadouchical conundrum in this our time of Netflixian, Postmatesian, Grubhubian exile.
Friday, October 23, 2015The Evolution of Hottie/Douchey Cohabit
Hark! Halt!
Put down that greasy/lumpy cig smoking choadtollery cohabit with Sultry Poor Credit Charlotte and listen!
Like Willy Loman, attention must be paid!
Douche with Hott Paradox is now, finally, evolutionarily and Darwinianly explained!
Yes, it all now makes sense.
Even this unholy collection of toxic sparrow spittle.
Brazilian Emo Hulk understands. It knew it this entire time.
The answer was simple. The rippling lobsterian torsos of fate are nothing more than the mechanism of deception by which hott is fooled.
I suppose after eight years of this site in its prime, we already knew that. But what the heck. It is good to be reminded once again.
Friday, July 10, 2015Death to Douchey
The Typhoid Mary of Ed Hardy, arbiter of all things overpriced paint spackle and tiger tattoo, exploiter of the actual Ed Hardy and frequent target of mock on this website, Christian Audigier passed away yesterday at the age of 57.
I certainly do not mean to make light of the premature death of a choad style icon and spreader of cloth herpes simply because his life’s work made the world a douchier place. By all accounts he was a good person.
Actually I have no idea if he was a good person or not. I haven’t read any accounts either way. I’m simply here to note that his product was really, really douchey. Like source level toxicbag rot. To those he leaves behind, I offer only condolences. To those who wore his choadlicious shirts, I will continue to mock your sorry asses with the wit and brevity of a crack addled ferret on no-doze.
At least when I bother updating this bloggy relic of a lost internet age. A memory of the Jurassic Web, I suppose. A place that sits encased in pixelated amber, refusing to give way to a streaming/app infested Facebookian controlled world. But one that wakes up when seismic shifts in the Douche Force occur.
And one occurred yesterday.
RIP Christian Audigier. I will remember you as you wanted to be remembered. Pimping overpriced, garish crap.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014Captain Toxicnip and Sarah Get Ready for the Podcast!
Recording equipment? Check.
Various sundry personalities in the greater Los Angeles area willing to banter on microphone for extended periods of verbal intercourse? Check.
Yes it is on. Like Captain ToxicNip’s scary nipular Proboscis. It has perked.
Your humble narrator will be launching a new weekly podcast!
All things hottie/douchey history will be discussed, along with riffs, rants, babbles, and spew both psuedo-intellectual and very very stupid.
If you’ve dug what I did with HCwDB for so many years, I hope you’ll check it out.
More news shortly…
Breaking…
Breaking bad…
Breaky breaky heart…
Breaker Morant…
Moonbreaker…
Monday, February 24, 2014All Good Mock Must Come to an End
It’s time.
The hottie/douchey mock has been an embedded and integral part of my life for eight years now.
We have explored the vacuity of club culture in every permutation we could find. It has been an incredible journey. But it is time for me to stop. At least as a daily blog.
That being said, nothing’s ever really over in internet land. HCwDB will carry on. But in a different way now. Perhaps as an archive of the past eight years of hottie/douchey poo stain on our culture. Perhaps on message boards. Or in occasional updates.
But today marks the end of the HCwDB experiment in its initial run.
And who better to send us off then the first breakout hottie/douchey doucherstars of this site, the late, great, majesty of inflation and boob grab that is Pumpy? Like many of purest of uberbags, Pumpy burned as bright as he did briefly. The Pumpster left us far too soon, but is forever in our hearts and boob fondles.
There is so much I want to reflect on. Please indulge me. While it is impossible to tell the full journey of HCwDB in all of its multifaceted complexity, I do want to hit some of the high (and low) notes.
Or, if you’d like to hear me tell it in my own words, listen to the podcast I did a few weeks ago in New York (dated 2/17/14). It covers a lot of the behind the scenes drama of the rise of HCwDB.
What started as a goofy blog idea for a few friends almost exactly eight years ago quickly turned into a viral phenomenon and then, improbably, a career.
Here are some of my thoughts on the run:
The Early Years
It all began in the dark days of 2006.
One day I saw a ridiculously hot girl walking around with an orange tanned chest shaved Ed Hardy wearing fauxhawk and stupid bling sporting tattooed assmunch.
Something had to be done.
Someone had to speak up.
A voice of protest shouting at the canker sore lip herp spreading across the humorless land of Pickup Artist cacaphony and really stupid manscaping.
I had no clue what I was doing. Daily picture blogs didn’t even exist. My free blogger software forced me to upload my images to imageshack and cut and paste them in.
Although the pics have been lost to imageshack hosted time, here’s what my first few weeks of posts looked like. The writing? Not so impressive.
But mock I must. And so I did.
I set a few rules.
No real names of people in the pics. Takedown requests would be honored. PG-13 language if possible.
And, of course, self-deprecation at the heart of all mock.
I felt these rules were fair enough to allow pointed hottie/douchey commentary to take place.
I was pleased and amazed to find that others wanted to join me in mocking douchebags and lusting hotts in all its primal monkey-poo lizard brain herd wrongness.
I began to receive a few emails. Then more. Then, eventually, thousands over the years. Some hilarious. Some dangerous. Some bizarre. Some intelligent. Some depressing. Many threatening legal action. Some quite poignant. Some angry. Some very silly.
Of course, as I kept trying to tell everyone, I’m the biggest douchebag of all.
Gradually the site began to ingratiate itself in the interweb consciousness.
Gainin’ Steam
Around 2007, the site began to take off.
Rolling Stone plugged the site in its “best of the web” column. I did my first radio interview on a British radio show called The Ugly Phil show. You can listen to the interview here (the music is also what inspired me to name my MTV show). You can tell how nervous and amazed I am that anyone is talking about HCwDB.
Yahoo made HCwDB a pick of the week. Thrillist featured me as well. Here was my somewhat incredulous post from the day that I realized HCwDB was starting to explode.
I began to hear from a number of military personnel serving overseas in Iraq and Afghanistan.
One pilot in Afghanistan emailed me privately for months promising to send me a t-shirt of his unit when he got back home. Then one day I stopped hearing from him. I have no idea if he even made it home. I was just humbled and honored to know that HCwDB was able to brighten up their dreary days in those hellholes.
I realized that mocking the silliness of youth culture had an element of profundity to it.
People needed to laugh.
And who better to laugh at then douchebags?
I was interviewed on the enormously popular Los Angeles morning drive radio show, The Kevin and Bean Show. The site crashed from all the hits.
I learned that HCwDB was being hosted on a shared server. I learned what a server was. And then quickly upgraded.
I did more interviews. This included Playboy Radio. You can listen to the interview on Playboy Radio here (starts 34 minutes in).
In May, Simon & Schuster bought my book pitch. Here’s Gawker’s snarky post from that day.
I began work on my book, one that I remain quite proud of. Especially when I got to see it given so many times, interestingly enough, as wedding gifts.
And that, I thought, was that. What more could a blogger hope for than to write a book?
Much more, as it turned out.
HCwDB Comes of Age
2008 was when the site really exploded.
And by exploded, I mean oiled up cans in proxy with spiked up choddlescrote.
HCwDB got even more press. The book sparked a debate in Las Vegas.
I had the uberhott Elizabeth Banks talk up the site on The Tonight Show and Jerry O’Connell plug it on an embedded late night show that has since disappeared into the ether. I did many radio interviews. I even turned down a bunch of TV because I was lazy and a bit shy.
My book came out in July.
I did signings in New York, Los Angeles, and San Francisco. I had the pleasure of meeting dozens of readers in each of those cities. Suddenly the abstraction of writing HCwDB had become real. I signed everything from books to Ubiquitous Red Cups.
Then I got sued. A few times. But luckily there’s this thing called The Constitution. Both cases were thrown out of court for sheer ridiculousness.
I got agents. I wrote up a reality show pitch. I pitched it. I sold it to MTV. Another network that wanted the show but didn’t get it went ahead and made it anyway. I remain unamused.
But I had my show and I was thrilled. I got to create, cast, executive produce and write voiceover for what was the best HCwDB show I could have hoped for, Is She Really Going Out With Him?. MTV let me run with it for three seasons and call a bunch of serious scrotes out. A pleasure indeed.
The show was a solid hit on MTV. The book got optioned by New Line. I wrote two drafts of a script for the studio. Sadly, the movie never got greenlit. But other than that bump in HCwDB’s conquering of the world, it has been a lifechanging pleasure to mock douches and lust hotts for your daily entertainment.
The Golden Years
For the next few years, the mock was choice. Submissions were high. The comments threads were bumpin’. I was pleased to see the douche mock expanding even further into all corners of the pop culture consciousness.
But even with the success of the TV show and book, the core of HCwDB has always the website. And we have mocked some very toxic hottie/douchey examples over the years. Sometimes readers met up with each other.
I encourage you to peruse the archives located in the left hand column. Or just check out the Hall of Scrote and Hall of Mock. You can read of Douchie Awards in years past.
Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy still roil my nethers.
The classic ‘bagitude of the now antiquated Joey Porsche.
The face most deserving of a fish slap that still haunts my nightmares in Fish Slap.
The vile arrogance of The Ab Lobster.
The endless party of King Douchuous the IV.
The ridiculousness of Kisseus Vomitorious.
The arrest, release, relapse, and updates of Hall of Scrote Chicagoan Donkey Douche have embodied the HCwDB ethos for years. Or just read The Donkster in his own words.
So many epic scrote/hotts. So little time.
I must acknowledge the epic douchery of The Gator, the lumpyness of Smoot, the stupid chicken frying poetry of Stackhouse the Poet, the party spikes of Four Prong, the ass-bite of Benzino, the sad desperation of Mack the Nozzle, and the ridic face carve of Brothabag Leon, just off the top of my head. But there were so many other profound scrotal sores over the years. How could I sum them all up in one post?
At the heart of it all, The Unholy Grieco sits. The Unholy Source Douche and I even interacted on Facebook once. Now I just sorta feel bad for the guy.
And lets not forget the sheer, unadulterated joy of classic bro Bra!! Has anyone ever enjoyed a tasty cola beverage in presence of a hot chick more than Bra!!? We can all learn a Zen lesson in life enjoyment from our favorite party pud.
The great Vin Douchal even composed an ode to Bra!! among many other HCwDB song classics.
Or this friggin’ guy. I didn’t even remember him until going through the archives. But what a piddling example of hottie/douchey wrongness. Yech.
The epic hottness of Halo Angel, Brunette Rhea, Arielle, Anya, Holly, Francine, just to name a few, still dazzle with the purity of suckle thigh. And the lawsuits of uberhott Champagne Katie and Billy Dee Willhelm still amuse. And then my own personal adventures in singledom with the lovely Veronica.
Many a fine moment was had by your humble narrator during this crazy run.
A Look Back
But, if I had to pic, no pic featured on the site better encapsulated the travesty of hottie/douche cohabit than early 2008’s Deathtongue and Quartasian Mia Sara Hott (pictured here).
We’ve seen far douchier douches.
And at least equivalent hott hotts.
But no festering nuclear dump of a combination quite captured the essence of wrongness like these two.
The spikey hair. The stupid shirt. The aggressive, arrogant posturing machismo captured in mid-lick.
And the innocent Mayan Eye of Coitus expressed by Quartasian Mia Sara Hott in (im)perfect counterbalance.
Festering stew. So wrong.
And of couse let us not forget Deathtongue and Quartasian Mia Sara Hott ii.
QMSH even won Hottest Hott of the Year at the 2008 Douchie Awards.
So many amazing/horrifying HCwDB couples over the years. I can’t even begin to cover all the adventures we’ve had together on this site.
I even managed to get in a few quality rants on subjects like Spring Breakers, New York in the 1980s, the death of Al Goldstein, or just a general hate of douche culture. There were my thoughts on Lorde and The Boston Bomber Rolling Stone cover. The rank atrociousness of people likethe late, unlamented Andrew Breitbart, Donald Trump, Brett Favre, Mel Gibson and Dr. Drew.
I journeyed to Lane Meyer’s house to search for his two dollars.
I had quality righteous spew directed at peak Douche John Meyer and again.
We witnessed Poo. Lots and lots of poop. Prompa Poop.
Or, uhm,…. Moobs.
And then there was the Pear. Lots and lots of Pear.
Let us also remember the genius of the tribute HCwDB videos. In addition to Vin Douchal’s epic compositions there was Foglizard’s Douchebags.
And this little piece of brilliance from back in 2009, created by HCwDB’s own Mr. Scrotato Head:
HCwDB in the News
Then there was the flipside. The dozens of imitators, ripoff sites porny vidoes, countdown videos, music videos, parody videos, animated videos, gym videos, and comedians cashing in on the HCwDB experience as much as they could. Without even the courtesy of a link to my site or mentioning of my book.
All of those pretenders and thieves can suck it! HCwDB will always be where douche mock first originated. To those in Hollywood, if you have to steal other people’s ideas to entertain, kill yourself (to paraphase the great Bill Hicks). This is the real deal. It always will be.
On a related note, I always enjoyed this Adam Carolla rant set to HCwDB pics. That’s what led to my appearance on the Adam Carolla podcast. Also worth a listen if interested.
Now, eight years later, our victories our many. Today we see rejection of overpriced t-shirts, stupid bling, and peacocking spectacle that once ruined our cornflakes and micturated on our collective rugs.
Looking back I feel privileged to have been able to chart a nation’s cultural transformation.
And what can I say about the cadre of brilliant regulars who brought daily poo-fling in the comments threads? You guys kept me going years past the point when I probably should have shut things down around here.
The “Hall of Mock” in the left hand column is our Hall of Fame and honors some of the top regulars. But lets be sure to toast each and every one of you with a cup of Night Train fortified wine. I even thank those not on the plaques who submitted pics or just chimed in every so often. I read almost all the comments threads. It was always a joy.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t give a special belly fondle to the great DarkSock. A supreme mockist who filled in for me on numerous walkabouts and brings a keen mind and boat crashing punk rock anarchy to all that he touches.
And then, last August, BabyChick1 (BC1) arrived.
Suddenly mocking douches and lusting their hotts suddenly didn’t come as organically as it once did. Not to mention that I need to save up my creative energy for new projects like a tantric version of Sting in mid-coitus.
So today seems like a good day to say thank you to all that have joined me on this journey of mock into the heart of American culture in the digital age. The last eight years have been incredible. I had a platform to spew my daily thoughts and people who responded to it.
It’s the eight year anniversary in about a week. And so that seems like a nice bookend.
I will take a month or three off. I’ll still be doing house cleaning around here. Like adding Brothabag Edgar to the Closet of Poo.
And then I will probably start occasionally posting again here and there when I can. If I find a pic or a rant worthy of attention.
So I wouldn’t call this site dead-dead.
More like on walkabout. For now.
But just because HCwDB will not be updating that does not mean I won’t be around. I am working on a number of new projects that I’m quite excited about. Hopefully good news will be announced in due time. In the meantime I will start updating on my long dormant sister site, Lucky Punkass, again. All of your avatars/IDs should carry over there. Feel free to join me and say hi.
You can also follow me on Twitter and Instagram, both of which I try to keep active. Or just drop me an email: douchebag1 at hotchickswithdouchebags.com.
I have much left to say/rant/complain about in life. I just can’t keep mocking douchebags over and over. Nor did I want to transform this site into something it was never meant to be.
So let us close the books on the HCwDB run. It was glorious. I have seen my writing and our mock influence everything from the game changing impact of The Jersey Shore to the “Douche Jar” mocking of Schmidt on New Girl.
And let us bow our head and appreciate the power of the mock. The power of pointing out the hypocrisy and economic violence of a media and corporage industry hellbent on selling “sex” in high priced packages. Douchey t-shirts and overpriced bodyspray. All part of the long con. The marketing hypnosis meant to brainwash us into thinking we need spikey hair and overpriced products to perform the universal coital dance. We do not. Coitus is free. If you want it. (to paraphrase John Lennon).
That’s what HCwDB has always stood against. And always will.
Now let us repose with a pack of tasty Hostess HoHos and a cup of Night Train.
Life is good.
Monday, February 10, 2014Breaking: Rich Douche, Poor Douche
I may be in NYC, but I’m staying up on the hard hitting news stories that are changing the world as we speak.
Some sagging German asstaint, pictured here, declares bankruptcy after living up the scrotal lifestyle:
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An aging Miami-based playboy, known for his yachts, cars, wine and women, claims he has ‘burned’ through his $90 million fortune and now has just $300,000 to his name, which he is spending at a rate of $50,000 a month.
Thomas Kramer, a high-flying German former real estate investor with a penchant for lavish parties and near-constant vacations, has opened up about how he went from minted to skint in a deposition related to a $108 million, still unpaid, judgement from 2007.
The 56-year-old, who says he has no job and no income, is claiming poverty in the case, and explains he’s made tough choices to reign in his lifestyle, including selling his boats and valuable artworks and instructing his butler, maid and maintenance man to come only a few days a week.
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Somewhere in Bulgaria, a town offers refuge.
Soon, all the uberdouches will leave us and form their own colony. They call it “Going Gator.”
Monday, February 10, 2014Your Humble Narrator is in Cold-Ass NYC
I left palm trees to come back to this? The pizza better make it worth it.
And it will.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014Breaking: Taylor Swift Attacked at The Grammys
This is worse than when Q-Bert micturated on Madonna back in ’86!
Monday, January 27, 2014Old Spice Viral Ad Campaign Goes Full HCwDB
Old Spice, in the process of using ads to usher in a generational rebranding process through the power of ironic humor, has put out with the following fake viral websites:
Flavor Your Soul Patch
Illegal Neck Workout Machine
100 Percent Solid Gold Headset
100 Percent Black Leather Sheets
Cologne With Real Protein In It
Executive Spray Tan Parties
The Push Up Muscle Shirt
Brodos: Live Inside a Condo Inside a Gym
Bargain Tattoos of America
I’m not gonna link to all of these ads because, well, they’re ads. And I ain’t getting paid to promote stuff that riffs off the very mock I helped to develop.
But it is always good to see the humor of the mock we developed here carry into new forms on the interwebs. So for mocking the ‘bag, props to Old Spice. Even if it is in service of selling more overpriced product.
