Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Honorary Douchebag of the Month: Dr. Drew Pinksy

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So after the fifth person to die after appearing on Dr. Drew’s exploitation gawkfest “Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew,” I think it’s time we honor this soft-voiced carnival charlatan with the heaping scorn that his fraudulence deserves.

Hucksters. Con men. From magic potions and pills of Ancient Greece to the leeching and bloodletting of a disease riddled rural wastelands throughout the Middle Ages, the need to sell reassurance in bottle or pill form will always be a cash cow. So long as we live in a mortal, dangerous world inhabited by the inevitability and existential crisis of decay, decline, and death, there will be Doctor Drews to sell us the wards and talismans to hide the inevitability that haunts the facts of the universal coil.

And where there’s fear, there’s profit.

Whether in issues of war, religion, patriotism or disease, the stern patriarch who reassures with soothing words of pseudo-wisdom and faux-care will earn his coin through the oldest huskterism outside of the prostitutorial arts.

And who is to say this isn’t an extension of the grand sex-for-food traditions in the rudimentary early culture job markets of yesteryore?

Sex. Death. Fear. Desire. And the profit to be found therein.

Enter Dr. Drew into our televisual carnival.

A small, vain man who began as a hacky sex advice dispensing straight-man on radio during the sleepfest that was the 1990s. Teaching kids about condoms on the radio offered the perfect veneer of cultural value, a way to cash in on the wasted medical degree that the ambitious Drew Pinsky somehow earned.

But talking body fluids wasn’t enough to sustain a role on the pop-culture fisheye. The 1990s gave way to the 2000s. Things began to get real. Dangerous. Dr. Phil and Oprah had the prime slots. Comedians like Jon Stewart were coming at him from the other side.

Pinksy had to up the ante. He had to begin playing the gray haired pop culture superego in the increasingly toxic climate of the 2000s.

And so enter the “rehab.” Our Beyond Thunderdome Truman Show of human misery.

Save the fat people for Biggest Loser and White Trash for the TLC Network. Doctor Drew had something else altogether. He had “authority.” And he was gonna use it.

That basest and choisest of exploitation formats sat waiting for him.

No one else with the courage to go full-rehab. Other reality shows only danced around the edges of the truly destructive and dangerous forces of nature that haunt the human soul. Other reality shows wouldn’t go where the carnival ends and the abyss begins.

Others were not as soulless as the good “Doctor” Drew Pinksy because others could not gloss over the subsequent shrapnel unleashed by exploiting the weakest and most damaged among us.

It was his for the having. The purest uncut 100% authentic freak show to be had under the false rubric of “help” and “advice” that only a medical “professional” could provide.

It was the perfect Coney Island gawkfest. For the truly hurting are the perfect carnival geeks of our time. Those willing to biting the proverbial heads off of our pop-culture chickens.

Doctor Drew could go all the way.

Not just funny train-wreck TV.

Destructive nihilism under the artifice of education.

And so Dr. Drew became our postmodern P.T. Barnum. A gray-haired charlatan cloaked in the papal robes of the only authority figure left in a Perez Hilton universe, the doctor.

Here was our Holy Sober Shaman spewing pat Deepak Chopran fortune cookie wisdoms like a machine-gun gumball machine stocked with the shredded pages of lost 1990s Susan Powter and John Gray business seminar notes.

So what if the body count rises after the gaffer tape is removed and the lights are de-rigged?

So what if the corpses that pile up litter the road of pop culture vanity mirror echo?

The program already aired, bub. No need to pay them any mind any more. What’s off-screen is virtual. Theoretical. Yesterday’s pixels. On to the next 30 minute segment.

And so this vampiric ghoul continues to suckle at the teat of mass culture profit the guise of “helping” and “caring” and wearing tiny glasses that validate his authorial presence.

But his riff is every bit the fraudulence of masquerade costume-ball dress up.

He is the shirtless guy in the horse-head mask that writhes and fist pumps during the second half of a Harlem Shake meme. A meaningless interlocutor. A signifier of some lost and mythic past pretending to stand outside of the very media machine that feeds his egomaniacal soul.

And so Drew Pinsky remains the lowest form of exploitation in our carnival empire because he pretends to be outside of it and above it while milking its most craven inner goo. His is the purest of fraudulence, and the most toxic. As the bodies pile up, it is also the most dangerous game in the reality rubric.

Driving without moral license on the televisual highway is akin to a spiritual D.U.I.

Taking those who need help the most and putting them on T.V. as emotion porn for a nation craving the authentic in the age of overstimulation is the most egregious of sins for any human being who claims to be in the business of healing.

Drew Pinksy is our worst form of snake-oil salesman. In a righteous universe he would not only be shunned, but tarred and feathered, then forced to perform the very kabuki dance of shame that he foisted on so many others under the guise of “helping” them.

Here’s your honorary Douchebag of the Month, assface. You are a fraud.

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# posted by douchebag1
Links n' stuff:
9:06 am February, 19 Misty Axe said...

Dr. Drewche Pinkskin

9:28 am February, 19 Vin J Douchal said...

Fuck this guy and his self absorbed minions. The only time he was ever entertaining was when he shut up and let Ace Carolla do his shtick.

9:34 am February, 19 hermit said...

From what I’ve heard Plinky’s mom was pretty damn fat too.

10:07 am February, 19 Douchble Helix said...

Somehow, the bar I was sitting in yesterday afternoon had him being interviewed on CNN, with the closed captioning on.
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Each of the deceased was on their way to recovery, blah, blah…
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He had every buzzword, deflection, paradigm, you-name-it.
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I think you went too easy on him.

10:20 am February, 19 DarkSock said...

Is there any way we could get the cast of Jersey Shore on as his Season 5?
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Just sayin’…

10:30 am February, 19 Charles Douchewin said...

He can go lower.
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He can film an episode of himself, as he confronts his feelings about his life’s work.
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I’d be interested to see research on the ameliorative effects that viewing (informative) programs about addiction, and illnesses has on those with the same addictions and illnesses.
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I can proudly say that after watching years of Richard Bey, and Degrassi Junior High, that I no longer struggle with issues of my neighbor’s hot wife taking my adopted-transgender girlfriend to the prom.

10:37 am February, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

That’s what she said. Wow! Anger comes at me like verbal waves from the screen that at this moment becomes my retina and I one with the screen like Debbie Harry in that Videodrome flick, man. Son. 420 Sons. That was awesome.
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Fuck Dr. Drew

10:41 am February, 19 Fish Slap said...

Fuck Dr. Drew!

10:43 am February, 19 Vin Douchal said...

If we can’t get the Jersey Shore morons on Celebrity Rehab, maybe we can unleash Moe Stooge on them

10:54 am February, 19 TheChaz said...

Lots of anger, not a lot of substance. Anyone who’s seen more than a sound-byte interview can tell Pinsky is very clearly a practicing physician, not a pop-psychology Dr. Phil-type.

There’s not much in here about _why_ the show is exploitative or societally negative. The post starts from the standpoint that it _just is_ and goes from there to say that Pinsky is bad because of it.

Whether Celebrity Rehab is net-good or -bad for society is up for debate, but the implication that people die because they’ve been on it doesn’t hold water. Recidivism / relapse is ultra-common, and people with addiction die. Do you have any stats showing that people who had been on the show die at higher rates than regular addicts?

Try again when you have something to say beyond, “I don’t like Dr. Drew.”

11:17 am February, 19 Dickie Fingers said...

“I don’t like Dr. Drew”.

11:20 am February, 19 Bigpreesh said...

Well said…one of the most self-absorbed con men on TV

11:35 am February, 19 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Chaz
It’s exploitation for entertainment & profit. Ill minds on the brink without hope turn to clowns like him for they too want to profit. It’s dog eat dog and when the “programmers”, at pick a network, find a bigger so called fascinating topic to exploit they will. The rubes will tune in, the ad dollars will flow, the execs will cash in and stock holders will see percentage gains. The “Celeb Doc” industry is big business with Dr Phil worth an estimated $200 Million while Dr Drew is scrapping by at only $20 million. They are authors, pitchmen, producers with the “Dr” part being the least of the equation.
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If you really believe Dr. Drew, Dr. Phil et al. are still practicing physicians keeping office hours then you are missing the point.

11:49 am February, 19 Vin Douchal said...

@ the Chaz
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Dr Drew/Phil etc., are definately the result of pop culture. Rehab should be a private affair where an addict doesn’t know how to take personal inventory and gets help doing so. A simple AA or NA program may not work and a professional is the option
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Exploiting the American public’s insatiable carniverous appetite for watching the more fortunate/attractive/talented than us fail and fail miserably is a cottage industry of which Drew Pinsky has learned to exploit.
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The original “Love Line” KROQ show in Los Angeles back in the early 80′s featured the mouse-y “Poorman”, a surfer dude with more cock than brains that left the show to create a soft core Orange County cable bikini show that still runs today. This show’s sole purpose is to assist prepubescent teens improve their masturbating skills
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When the Poorman left, the whiny Ricky Ratchman and the even keeled Dr Drew were brought in to make your ears bleed.
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The saving grace was when Adam Carolla was brought in to complete the troika. Ratchman was no match for Ace’s quick wit and non-stop prosthelytizing comedy chops and left in a huff. Carolla and Pinsky were must hear radio for almost ten years but mostly due to Carolla’s spot on man on the street observational sensibilities
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Once Carolla left to form a great collaboration with Jimmy Kimmel to create the over the top “The Man Show” , Loveline’s death spiral commenced
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Being a product of Hollywood, Dr Drew took his shtick to the next level. Combining his unique audience appeal with the need to fill daytime and cable programming as new channel startups exploded in the cablesphere he became what he is today, a sorrow huckster and cheap shot artist
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Can I now say, “I don’t like Dr Drew?”

11:50 am February, 19 DarkSock said...

I’m still waiting for “Ouch My Balls!”.
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I’d watch that shit.
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The closest we got was “America’s Funniest Home Videos”, but wading through the cutesy kiddie clips and stupid pet tricks to get to someone getting cruelly racked by a fence rail was sorta like having to watch pretentious scripted 70′s porn acting just to get to the cudgeling of the bacon furrow with the porcine gash mallet.
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Pelt Groins.

11:52 am February, 19 DarkSock said...

^ I feel like I just lowered the standard of intellect for this thread’s ongoing discourse.
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It’s what I do.
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**FART!**

11:54 am February, 19 DarkSock said...

Dr. Drew’s cast members are dropping faster than Snooki’s panties at a vodka tasting.

11:54 am February, 19 DarkSock said...

Dr. Drew’s cast members are dropping faster than Mariah Carey’s titties.

11:54 am February, 19 DarkSock said...

Dr. Drew’s cast members are dropping faster than acid tabs at a Skrillex concert.

11:55 am February, 19 DarkSock said...

Dr. Drew’s cast members are dropping faster than CNN’s ratings.

11:55 am February, 19 DarkSock said...

Dr. Drew’s cast members are dropping faster than shit at a pigeon factory.
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I don’t know what that means.

11:56 am February, 19 DarkSock said...

Dr. Drew’s cast members are dropping faster than microphones onstage at “Drama Queen Open Mic Night”.

11:57 am February, 19 DarkSock said...

Dr. Drew’s cast members are dropping faster than Iranian space monkeys.

11:58 am February, 19 DarkSock said...

Dr. Drew’s cast members are dropping faster than Romney/Palin 2016 campaign donations.

11:58 am February, 19 DarkSock said...

Dr. Drew’s cast members are dropping faster than Hellfire Missiles on Al Queada motherfuckers.

11:59 am February, 19 DarkSock said...

Dr. Drew’s cast members are dropping faster than “Live Strong” wristbands.

12:00 pm February, 19 DarkSock said...

Dr. Drew’s cast members are dropping faster than the price of blowjobs in the Kardashian’s neighborhood.

12:00 pm February, 19 DarkSock said...

Dr. Drew’s cast members are dropping faster than the members of The Ramones.
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Too late?

12:24 pm February, 19 anon said...

Chaz,

At the end of this post, I have provided the definition of the word ‘rant’, ah, fuck it, here it is right here: to speak or declaim extravagantly or violently; talk in a wild or vehement way; rave. That’s what that post was: a rant. It was spot on, as far as I’m concerned, other than it wasn’t nearly as harsh as I would have liked, and you want ‘substance’? My reaction to this fuckhead is visceral–there is no logic–I think he should be tarred and feathered at the very least.
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Watch the guy. Practicing doctor? So fucking what? He isn’t helping anyone except himself. His brand of Geraldo-like exploration isn’t any less provocative or shameless just because he is an MD–in fact it’s worse, since he has taken an oath not to exploit or harm his patients.
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The point of the post was not whether rehab is good or bad–one of the points is whether rehab should be televised–it should not–that’s bad. Very fucking bad. More specifically, the point of the piece is to state that in Pinsky is doing exactly the opposite of what a physician swears to do for his/her patients: keep them from harm and injustice.
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The man is a psychopath. He cares about no one but himself.

2:13 pm February, 19 DarkSock said...

Well, since Crucial Head’s not here, I’ll do it for him:
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There are many diabolic deviants who want to change the course of history. One—Dr. Drew Pinsky—is so impertinent, he deserves special mention. Here’s a quick review: You don’t need me to tell you that Dr. Pinsky uses big words like “theoanthropomorphism” to make himself sound important. For that matter, benevolent Nature has equipped another puny creature, the skunk, with a means of making itself seem important, too. Although Dr. Pinsky’s publicity stunts may reek like a skunk, if Dr. Pinsky had two brain cells to rub together, he’d realize that I try never to argue with him because it’s clear he’s not susceptible to reason. Much of what Dr. Pinsky writes is excruciatingly hard to read. If he actually wants to write something meaningful, he should stick to the basics: Declare an argument; make supporting statements related to the topic; and draw a conclusion that isn’t off on some wild tangent from the original hypothesis, laid bare like a stunned sacrifice on the twin alters of Lesbianism and Horticulture. For instance, rather than make the factually unsupported claim that Dr. Pinsky understands the difference between civilization and savagery, it would be better to argue that I would love to be a fly on the wall near where Dr. Pinsky and his gang meet. I’d love to hear how those craven brownshirts come up with their parviscient schemes for engendering ill will. Then, I’d finally be able to back up my claim that Dr. Pinsky’s goal is to make our country spiritually blind. How immoral is that? How foolhardy? How negligent?
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My goal is to plant markers that define the limits of what is insane and what is not. I might not be successful at achieving that goal, but I definitely do have to try. When I first heard about Dr. Pinsky’s communications, I dismissed them as merely foul-mouthed. But when I later learned that he wants me to fall firmly into the hands of the worst sorts of fatuitous, coldhearted jokers there are, I realized that Dr. Pinsky is doing everything in his power to make me come to heel. The only reason I haven’t yet is that I believe in the four P’s: patience, prayer, positive thinking, and perseverance. Although I’m trying desperately hard to express my opinion of him without using expletives, I’m afraid I do have to say that Dr. Pinsky has been trying to trick people into believing that he is a model citizen. Apparently, he has succeeded beyond his wildest dreams with reprehensible clinchpoops; they’re now fully convinced that undiscoverable, unmeasurable, magical forces from another plane of existence have given Dr. Pinsky superhuman wisdom. His intolerance for those assumed to hold different value systems from his is so great, so mentally debilitating, so handicapping to Dr. Pinsky’s thought processes that it’s not the bogeyman that our children need to worry about. It’s Dr. Pinsky. Not only is Dr. Pinsky more uninformed and more revolting than any envisaged bogeyman or bugbear, but if you read Dr. Pinsky’s writings while mentally out of focus, you may get the sense that ethical responsibility is merely a trammel of earthbound mortals and should not be required of a demigod like Dr. Pinsky. But if you read his writings while mentally in focus and weigh each point carefully, it’s clear that he has been resorting to ad hominem attacks on me and my family. That’s just a tiny facet of what all of us will face if we let him deny the obvious.
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Dr. Pinsky’s louche advocates continually demonstrate their blatant love of neopaganism. As those same advocates like to say, “Drug money is being used to pay for the construction of huge underground cities intended to house both humans and aliens who serve a secret, transnational shadow government.” That’s a verbatim quote that doesn’t parse too well but does indicate that on a television program last night I heard one of this country’s top scientists conclude that, “Dr. Pinsky’s fulminations are in conflict with accepted morality.” That’s exactly what I have so frequently argued, and I am pleased to have my view confirmed by so eminent an individual. I could be wrong about any or all of this, but at the moment, the above fits what I know of history, people, and current conditions. If anyone sees anything wrong or has some new facts or theories on this, I’d love to hear about them.
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I hereby publicly condemn Dr. Pinsky’s bilious attitudes. In doing so, I publicly proclaim that if he hadn’t been playing the blame game, it simply would not have occurred to me to write the letter you now are reading. Why, I might have taken the day off altogether. Or maybe I would have been out transcending traditional thinking. In any case, in a recent essay, Dr. Pinsky stated that sciolism is a viable and vital objective for our nation’s educational institutions. Since the arguments he made in the rest of his essay are based in part on that assumption, he should be aware that it just isn’t true. Not only that, but he believes that the rule of law should give way to the rule of brutality and bribery. The real damage that this belief causes actually has nothing to do with the belief itself but with psychology, human nature, and the skillful psychological manipulation of that nature by Dr. Pinsky and his obnoxious, baleful tuft-hunters.

If we are powerless to stand by our principles and be true to them on all occasions, in all places, against all foes, and at whatever cost, it is because we have allowed Dr. Pinsky to remake the world to suit his own flippant needs. Although he is trying to portray himself as a great philosopher on par with Wittgenstein or some such personage, Dr. Pinsky demands obeisance from his foot soldiers. Then, once they prove their loyalty, Dr. Pinsky forces them to spheterize other people’s belongings. If he were to get his hands on the levers of power he’d immediately beat plowshares into swords.
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If you don’t believe me then consider that there are some crapulous deadbeats who are gin-swilling. There are also some who are irritating. Which category does Dr. Pinsky fall into? If the question overwhelms you, I suggest you check “both”. And that’s it. I consider Dr. Drew Pinsky’s theatrics antithetical to my principles as a person concerned for the good of all.
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Son.

2:52 pm February, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Why couldn’t y’all done this when I was sob3er. I’ll be back. Fuck nyou /chaz!. Quacks.

2:55 pm February, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Either Dark Sock pasted that or my mind is blown. Son.

3:14 pm February, 19 FoghornLeghorn said...

This is why I visit this site: the rational commentary on an irrational society, the back-and-forth exchange of ideas, the occasional pear. Thank you.
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I confess to being a societal retard (respect). Everything I know about Dr. Drew, I have learned here. He’s a modern carnival huckster. I will now go search for that photo of young Benzino’s friend, because I like big fake boobies, and I think she’s hot.

3:21 pm February, 19 Mr. Biggs said...

Wow, so well put. Sharing on FB. Except you forgot to add one thing: his career on Love Lines. For those of you who don’t know, it’s a simple format. He sits along with some punk rock star type whose advice for every teenager calling in is to “get laid.” Because he’s a rock star, and getting laid is so easy in that lifestyle, he just assumes everyone can just reach out and get high quality pussy anytime.
Of course, Drew just sits there and pretends it’s not total bullshit for 99.9% of the population. Because he gets the flip side – which is all the kids who tried for that lifestyle and failed, and instead get into all sorts of abusive relationships, diseases, addictions, and he can sit on his high horse and thumb his nose at all the dreck calling in. While they continue them on that very path with their horrible advice.

4:16 pm February, 19 Et Tu Douche? said...

What the fuck Sock!?!?!, that shit was the bomb, son.

4:44 pm February, 19 Et Tu Douche? said...

Here’s hoping Hermit gets in on some of this my man gots skillz,

5:20 pm February, 19 creature said...

I believe the prostitutorial arts should have their own museum
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art patrons

5:30 pm February, 19 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Y’all have entirely too much time on your hands to waste on rants demonizing burnt out psuedo-celebrity nobodies like Drew Pinsky.
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Wish I had time to do the same…

5:55 pm February, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I just noticed I am permanently logged in on Firefox.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtOLqNuTOag
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Bag Taggers.

7:02 pm February, 19 Et Tu Douche? said...

Dear Rev
At what stage of a relationship should 3 ways be brought up as a viable option? If she wants 2 dudes should you dump her and try to bang her hot friend? or if she wants another chick preferably her afore mentioned hot friend should you propose?

8:02 pm February, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Et Tu
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Thanks for your question man, I’m currently watches The Real Housewifes Of Vancouver and they are a bunch of cunts. Ya gotta be fucked before you go on one of those fucking shows. I would have fucked young early stage alcohoilc Mindy McCready(respect) cause I’m good with drunk chicks with issues. My sobriety opened up news doors of perception you know. I’m just one of those he drinks all the time cause he’s a drunk, drunks, but not alcoholic. So once you get then chick boned you have to become a regular at her house so ya can look for dildos and lesbian porn and lotions and lacy garments she hasn’t tried with you. I never saw Dr. Drew for advice cause I don’t think he’s on the tele here, but /I knew of his antics and murder.
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So if she has shit around ya know like clambake shit,ya know she a goer. I’d give it a few months for these entire process to be laid out organically with no suspicion on the twats part.
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You bring up one night how you love sucking hard on her whole bald peach while tonguing around inside the universe of orgasm you have created. She’ll start getting horny and you ask her if she’d like it if you shaved your balls to overcome her aversion to licking hairy balls and taint. She says I’d love to but was afraid to ask. Next thing out of her mouth is, I bet Tracy my cute, large, yet strangely proportionate,cool, chronic drug use free, friend Tracy the Native American who always had the hots for you will want to help me rape your hair crop. She loves sucking on shiny air-chilled ballls and tsint. She’s coming the next weekend so you know it’s going to lead to at least a non-female-interactive threesome and it can only get better from there.
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If she wants two dudes in return, ya do her and Tracy after the ball shearing, then you say I’ll think about it. I won’t say that a girl doesn’t deserve to be double or triple penetrated or it’s gay. But I will say it can be awkward unless you are real comfortable with your hetero status and can divert eyes from other penises, especially your brothers’.
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I’d dump her. Son. I’m totally baked.

2:19 am February, 20 Douchble Helix said...

Welcome back, Rev!

5:06 am February, 20 Oldbag said...

Taking those who need help the most and putting them on T.V. as emotion porn for a nation craving the authentic in the age of overstimulation is the most egregious of sins for any human being who claims to be in the business of healing… brilliance, sheer brilliance

7:34 am February, 20 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

I won’t go so far as to say Dr. Drew is a quack, but the idea of placing the most vunerable on television while they undergo an intense emotional.physical process does not seem to be the most theraputic plan. While addicts may die after leaving rehab in any setting, I wonder now the attention seeking d-lister addicts handle it when the limelight of rehab is turned off? Maybe Dr. Drew whould follow-up on his success stories to give some balance, that is if there are such stories.

8:01 am February, 20 DarkSock said...

They should replace Dr. Drew with Reverend Chad. Now.
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Body Counts.

9:32 am February, 20 Doctor Magnifico! said...

Generic, campfire advice to the vulnerable. Unfortunately vulnerable folk suck-up these broad brush generalisations in a heartbeat. Its been a growth industry for quite a while now. While we all need someone we can talk to, a complete and – let’s face it – relative stranger who has memorised and willingly rolls out approximately 20 cliches as cure-all therapy probably benefits nobody but the (alleged) therapist.

10:33 am February, 20 Duck Duck Douche said...

Who?

12:34 pm February, 20 Douche Wayne said...

I am going to sit quietly and let the genius that is this post and its comments seep in.

5:48 am February, 21 The Dick said...

Penis waffle

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