Saturday, May 29, 2010

Chariot of the Puds

“Lo! And when the Lord your G-d presents to you the burning bush of Heidi, and her shepherd of douche Spencer, and when they regard the Archangel Audigier, their spawn shall be the unholy Scrotan Child, who will usher in the Dark Douchepocalypse.” — Chariot of the Puds, p. 342

# posted by douchebag1
11:16 am May, 29 G said...

So much douche concentrated in one spot.

11:26 am May, 29 Wheezer said...

This putz lives on while Dennis Hopper dies…..it’s an unfair world.

11:27 am May, 29 Wheezer said...

Correction: “These putzes live on,” and I mean the three big ones, not the poor kid they’re infecting with the Grieco Virus.

11:49 am May, 29 Douchble Helix said...

I think Billy Bob Thornton just presided over a wedding.

12:33 pm May, 29 RAPETIME said...

I’m calling Child Protective Services, this can’t possibly be legal.

12:42 pm May, 29 creature said...

Samurai Scrote ate a rainbow & barfed on these people

12:42 pm May, 29 Troy Tempest said...

The geezer is grinning because he just gave the wettest fart in 6 months, and now he has a sticky mess between his butt cheeks. This makes him happy.

12:47 pm May, 29 Vin Douchal said...

@ Wheezer

So there’s your third. they say celebrity deaths come in three’s and with Gary Coleman, Art Linkletter and Hopper this week, it’s a wrap.

I guess Bret Michaels can breath a sigh of relief until 101 year old Dolores Hope drops out somewhere in the Palm Desert

1:13 pm May, 29 Douchie Howser M.D. said...

This is this picture’s soundtrack.

1:14 pm May, 29 creature said...

^shame it wasn’t this Audiger blight

1:18 pm May, 29 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

I hope all of these douchebags die in a bobsledding accident.

.

.

.

I include the kid in that also, he’s too far gone, just look at the little douchebag.

1:19 pm May, 29 Tony Ventresca said...

Nice crappy plastic pixie boots, blondie.

1:50 pm May, 29 Euripidouche said...

the next time i wanna see this chick, its in a porn with 5 guys with dicks so big they clog her pores.

from the inside…

1:52 pm May, 29 Baron Von Goolo said...

I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

1:53 pm May, 29 Douchie Howser M.D. said...

Damien

deceptively exudes the sweet and innocent serenity of a child as he

displays his earthly

agents of evil.

1:56 pm May, 29 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I say we take off, and nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

1:59 pm May, 29 The Blessed Scrotini said...

Oh S–t, there goes all our efforts for naught! The end is nigh! Sinners repent! Or at least abandon your mandanas…

2:11 pm May, 29 creature said...

this shot makes the neutron bomb seem like genius

3:15 pm May, 29 Mr. Biggs said...

Amen DB1! Testify.

3:17 pm May, 29 Mr. Biggs said...

Also got this nice quote in this book I finished, Born to Run:

“Maybe the ancient Hindus were hotter crystal-ball-gazers than Hollywood when they predicted the world would end not with a bang but with a big old yawn. Shiva the Destroyer would snuff us out by doing… nothing. Lazing out. Withdrawing his hot-blooded force from our bodies. Letting us become douche.”

Ok so that last work was “slugs.” I like douche better.

3:50 pm May, 29 Southern Scrotic said...

I’m disappointed he’s not flashing the shocker.

3:51 pm May, 29 Whoop-di-douche said...

GAWD, isn’t there some sorta news that Heidi and Spencer are splitting and she and Bunney are taking up residence at the beach?

Still, the eyeballs have to recover just from seeing this photo, if that’s possible.

4:12 pm May, 29 scrotum pole said...

Exodouche 4:20

And a decree came to pass that all male douchebags born ye be cast into the river, and every female child be spared.

And lo, a cleavite bleeth was banged in a Burger Chef bathroom east of the land of Hackensack. And yea though the scrote wore not a comdom, the bleeth did conceive and was with child.

She bore the child and saw that he was choad, so she did hide the bastard for six weeks.

Therefore, when the child could be hidden no longer, the woman fashioned a vessel from an Ed Hardy handbag and old fabric softener containers and ye’ she placed the child in the Passaic River.

The child did float among the medical waste and dead fish, an ye, he came to rest on the bank of the river, againsteth the rusted remains of a discarded washing machine and a pile of used tires.

And lo, the eldest daughter of Audiger came upon the child, she took him to her breast, and said unto him, “I shall call you Scroshes, because you came from New Jersey.”

4:19 pm May, 29 Turdacious said...

My speidi senses tell me, this is a gawdawful pile of douche.

Spencer, the worst of um all, I thought she was hott until that nitfuck made her get all the surgery.

4:20 pm May, 29 Turdacious said...

RIP Dennis Hopper

5:56 pm May, 29 ehcuodouche said...

I note with some amusement that Audigier is the UNDERSTATED dresser in that pile of douche.

5:58 pm May, 29 ehcuodouche said...

The kid’s look says, “Mom bought me the shirt. The hat and bling were dad’s and he made me wear them for the picture. If this ends up on the web I’m gonna go emo.”

6:07 pm May, 29 Wedgie said...

Why the expression “oh, for fuck’s sake” was invented.

7:11 pm May, 29 Douchie Howser M.D. said...

@ ehcuodouche, 5:56, 5/29

Like all peddlers of mind-rot, he knows to not get too high on his own supply.

7:12 pm May, 29 Baron Von Goolo said...

@ Darth Aggie.

You owe me a Coke.

.

Betch.

7:25 pm May, 29 Anon 1:50 said...

“…And Lo, there in the shallow, murky, filth-filled shallow end of the gene pool was “the bar” trampled asunder, and tattoed orcs mated with small plastic cups of out-of-date condiments bringing forth whole troops of foulness.

And, in time, the were slain and rent and disemboweled.

And The Lord did grin.”

9:28 pm May, 29 JeanClaudeVanDouche said...

…omg…knock it the fuck off already Audigier…unless you’d care to give the entire tattoo industry the money you made off of all of us…douche.

9:49 pm May, 29 Guid is Good said...

The family that douche together stays together. The kid looks like he is looking folornly for Angelina or Madonna (or anybody really) to adopt him.

5:34 pm May, 30 Troy Tempest said...

The older three were found dead with a little kid tourde on each of their foreheads.

The boy was found sleeping peacefully.

8:34 pm May, 30 Abdouchah the Butcher said...

No More Philosophy has reproduced. Or something. It doth not bode well.

9:48 pm May, 30 DarkSock said...

THIS, people, is why they make Ed Hardy condoms.

10:37 pm May, 30 Stephanie said...

I’m gonna get me some more of those french fried potaters.and a sling blade,know what a sling blade is?

10:04 am May, 31 Deltus said...

Poor little fucker doesn’t stand a chance.

10:19 am May, 31 End the Haberdouchery said...

What parent would allow their child to be seen with these three? It’s like “Hey Johnny, go over there and stand by Michael Jackson, Michael Vick, and Spencer Pratt.”

.

Sorry, I couldn’t think of someone that exudes the same amount of douche as Spencer Pratt. He is a singular entity of ass suckage.

2:44 pm May, 31 Anon 1:50 said...

Hey!

Isn’t the wheezer in the middle the same crank who claimed to be photographed for a Versace ad from the Philosophy post?

http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/Audigier_SourceDouche.jpg

Livin’ the Douche life!

6:44 pm May, 31 Master David Goodmen said...

Ah, the story from My youth, I remember it well: Little Kid and the Three Douches.

One day, the Three Douches decided they needed uglier clothing. They walked around town, but nothing was q u i t e ugly enough.

Finally, they came to a shop with bizarre golden markings on the windows. The Wizard of Douche had been hired to do the window art. High on hydrofluoric acid, he produced some of the most “out there” art anyone had ever seen. And “out there” was what it would remain, as the coloring had been fused into the glass.

“It’s gold, but it’s nonsense.”, Sir Too Old for Anyone exclaimed. “So, it is juuuuust right, for us!”, said Lackey Vacuous Grin. In they went.

They became intoxicated on the hallucinogenic drugs known as Crackers and Cheese, given away inside the shop. They then selected their new clothing. Leopard print, paisley, graffito T, centerpiece scarf, Mandelbrot set, and just plain Blah! were chosen with abandon.

A boy, who happened by, desperate for a drink of water, was captured, and dressed in a shirt to look like the windows, and pants to last him five years (or just look ugly, whichever comes first). The kid was NOT hallucinated…

On their way out, they paid with their OverCharge Card. Reaching outside, they all stopped to blink in the suddenly much too bright sun. At that moment, a photographer shot this image, exclaiming, “The colors! The colors! My heart!”, before being overcome by the douchiness assaulting him.

Eventually, the boy escaped, and made his way home. The Three Douches are still wandering around, trying to find that magic clothing store, annoying all in their path.

The End

And may it ever be thus!

6:51 pm May, 31 Master David Goodmen said...

@Anon 1:50

Yes, there are the same. Or TWO people with the same unfortunate appearance!

11:33 am June, 1 Bagnonymous said...

I was a member of the Aerosmith fan club once. True story.

.

“What happened,” you may ask. Well, “Get a Grip” and the rest of that candy-assed ballad sh*t happend, that’s what (Alicia Silverstone notwithstanding–she’s still yummy to this day).

10:19 pm June, 3 Anonymous said...

where’s the gas chambers when you need them?

Leave a Reply

What is 12 + 5 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)