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Monday, December 31, 2012
Oogieloves New Years!!
Everyone dance along with Cary Elwes as his career hits its absolute nadir!!
Merry New Years!!
Sunday, December 30, 2012New Years Rockin' Pear
Happy Guy Says Happy New Pears!!
They may be artificially bronzed to the point of Bleeth, but they can still be squeezed.
Friday, December 28, 2012Benzino's Hittin' the Road, Thong Pear In Tow
Benzino heard he didn’t win the HCwDB of the Year and he’s outtie. One (or six) Vegas Cocktail Hottie(s) later, and it’s all good.
No respek brings limo time in Vegas.
It’s enough to make the Greico cry.
Portland has donuts. Voodoo Donuts.
Your humb narrs is now joyously ill from overconsumption. Take that, Hostess, what with your strike and all.
Dinner with The Baron awaits tonight.
Site’s been a bit wiggy lately, off-line every so often. I’mma look into it.
But for now, donuts.
Thursday, December 27, 2012Kisseus Vomitorious Cannot Believe He Didn't Win the 2012 Douchebag of the Year
Distant third place runner-up in the 2012 HCwDB of the Year finals, Kisseus Vomitorious, cannot believe his package didn’t place higher.
But such is the fate when going against eventual winners(losers) Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy.
The DB1 randomly finds himself in Portland, where rainy pizza is consumed and Powell’s City of Books is visited.
Dinner with The Baron may even await on the horizon.
Alack, my vacation continues.
In the interim, talk amongst yourselves.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012Merry Christmas!
I may not be a Christian, but some of my best friends and at least 40% of my ex-girlfriends are. So let me wish all of you who celebrate Christmas a very Merry Christmas!
May your stockings be full of pear, and may douchebags be roasting on an open fire.
I will be enjoying a tasty meal of Chinese food and dip dangerously into my stash of tasty Hostess HoHos.
Saturday, December 22, 2012HCwDB of the Year: Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy
In a shocking upset, the unholy alchemy of hott and douche that is the disgrace that is Sleepy and Cindy took down the powerhouse pro-douche force that is Benzino and Pear.
But this is as it should be, and justice was served.
While Kusseus Vomitorious and Margaret were ab-ripping inanity, and Benzino’s rancid DJ tattbaggery fondling hotts was all that Las Vegas diarrhea spews on our culture, none cohabited in (im)perfect dialectic quite like Sleepy/Cindy.
Factor in their contribution to the HCwDB Art Show in 2023 in “Innocence and Poo Face,” and we have ourselves a yearly winner, kids.
Some of the thoughts from the voters:
Blind Squirrel: Sleepy looks like a piece of scratch paper you use to get a pen working again.
Charles Nelson Doucheley: Sleepy has had this award written all over his face ever since he first appeared here.
Mr. Biggs: Sleepy’s mindless philosophizing haunts my brain.
The Douchey Dozen: Sleepy/Cindy. Because it is written. On his face.
Morbo: These two are what HCwDB should be. Wholesome Cindy, whose perfect auburn hair inspires soft melodies. Sleepy, whose face reminds me of the margins of my ninth-grade algebra notebook.
Duck Duck Douche: Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy. Because protecting Cindy from Jerkenstein is why we’re here.
Douchble Helix: look at that sack of shit, Sleepy. Clueless, but original. And a great hott. All three are (un)worthy. But Sleepy commits, motherf@#kers. And you can’t sleep that shit off.
There it is. Although all three may end up in the Hall of Scrote when all is said and done.
Ladies and germs, here’s your 2012 Douchie Awards:
Douchiest Hair: Mickey the Polyp
The Ricky: Sweaterman Twists
Douchiest Doucheface: Mongor
Hardiest Hardy: This Guy
Jerziest Jerz: Arturo, Skinny Kathy, and a Dirty-Ass Door
Douchiest Family: The Tapoutskys
Douchiest Facial Fung: The Craptastopher
Most Euro Eurobag: Brobot
Douchiest Pepsi: Alissa’s Pepsi Challenge
Herpsteriest Herpster: Braden the Metalworker
Best Golden Globes #1: Sonya
Most Expensive First Date Hott: His-name-is-Huang-But-Call-Him-Joe’s Roxanne
‘Bag Most Likely to be a Lesbian in Drag: Bernie
Smells Like Poo: Crotchos
Most Impending Sign of Nuclear Scrotocalpyse: Cartoon America
Peariest Pear: Spindarella Pear
Douchiest ‘Bag Innovation: Place to Store Your Cigarettes #42
Greatest Hottie Development: The Side-Boob Cleavite Dress Reveal
Golden Globes: Sheertina
Douchiest Ruiner of Sapphic Love: Guy Who Ruins Pics of Hot Chicks Making Out Guy
Douchiest Celebrity Couple of the Year: Kanye/Kardouchian
Orangest Orange: Orangudan
Best Golden Globes: Globes For All!
Hottest Hott #1: Jenny From The Sci-Fi Poobags
Hottest Hott #2: Vespa Hott From Lord Helmet and Vespa Hott
The ‘Bagling: Eurotimmy
The Yellowtail: Mr. Tibbs
Greatest Crisis of Modernity: Gettin’ Swole. Son.
The John Largeman: Wise Black Man Howlin’ Cat
The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Xenu
Be sure to peruse some of these awards, especially the ones written by the regs, as there’s some fine mock in there.
And for our hallowed Hall of Mock let us welcome the following Class of 2012:
douche equis
Capt. James T. Douche
Charles Nelson Douchely
THEONETRUEDOUCHE
Merle Baggard
ehcuodouche
Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt
Charles Douchewin
FredN.
Ol’ Dirty Douchebag
Congrats to you all for services rendered in the art of douche mocking and hott lusting. There were many more on the list of finalists, so you should all toast your induction with a sip of the ole’ Night Train via URC.
Lets also welcome Tiny Dancer Maria to our hallowed Hall of Hott.
And if you appreciated the 2012 Douchies, help support the site by checking out, and buying, some cool shit on Amazon.
Do it.
Rock the boat.
2012 Douchies out.
Friday, December 21, 2012The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Douchechievement Award: Xenu
Joey Porsche. The Gator. Fish Slap. Donkey Douche. King Douchuous the IV. Smoot.
And now Xenu.
The last of the Douche Legends from the early days of HCwDB earns eternal (in)glory as forever an icon of primal and epic scrotebaggery.
Let us not forget this epic Douche Warlord of Scientology Lore for its first appearance on this site back in March of 2007.
Further ridiculousness in presence of hotts appeared over the years, including this heinosity. And this one. And this one. Or this one. Heck, for more just check Xenu’s pics in the Hall of Scrote.
No tattet up oily behemoth has quite smelled like Xenu over the years.
And for that, we (dis)honor him with a well deserved 2012 Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award.
Well done, Xenu. Now put Tom Cruisebag down.
(Running a bit behind with all these awards, but the HCwDB of the Year is coming up next… either tonight or first thing tomorrow…)
Friday, December 21, 2012HCwDB at the Guggenheim in 2023
As many of you know, HCwDB’s crucial role in transforming understandings of art by reclaiming the image through a self-reflexive, post-postmodern rubric will eventually be acknowledged by the academic and literary canon. This will culminate with a triumphant art show at the Guggenheim Museum in 2023.
As a result, I am preparing my yearly collections well in advance of this milestone in post-classical digital art.
By naming each piece of reclaimed imagery as art, I am codifying the destabilization of the signifier in the age of digital reclamation.
Of mechanical reproduction.
Of poo.
Along with July’s “The Halo of Avalon,” my notable artistic works from 2012 include:
“Friendly Gathering on a Humid Afternoon Plus Four Prong” (a work co-created with Hermit)
“Jack Smellington and His Korner Kameleons” (co-created with DarkSock)
And of course, one of the most significant works of my career, “Uberbro Meltdown and Pear”
Someday the academy will concede my genius. Until then, I’ll go on scratching myself.
Friday, December 21, 2012The John Largeman Award: Wise Black Man Howlin' Cat
The great Et tu douche? hands out the award for the lurking mocker of all things douche:
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For the 2nd year in a row I’m pleased to present to this esteemed audience the John Largeman award for best person, persons or inanimate object in the background. JL, as I refer to him, burst onto to the scene and has since been revered, adulated and an inspiration for all of us in the never-ending mock of DBaggery. So with out further ado I give you the winner of the 2012 John Largeman award.
Wise Black Man Howlin’ Cat, WBMHC follows in the footsteps of JL cause he is as equally disgusted to witness such unnecessary baggery. Clubbaggery in this case. On this ill fated evening all WBMHC wanted to do was don some of his finery, slip on his gators, get out of the house and head out on the town to enjoy a few adult beverages, see what he could get himself into maybe run into some of his old running buddies. WBMHC, a responsible man, hadn’t been out in awhile as he had more pressing business to attend to such as life, family and work. Back in the day he and his boys would head out looking natty from head to toe to enjoy some nightlife, a few cocktails and maybe some good music. Back then it was referred to as a Club, not Da Club, where, depending you might catch a band or a DJ who spun actual vinyl. Seeing as he hadn’t been out in years he was not prepared for the travesty that befell him. Bottle service, autotune voiced music being played via an iPad, and guys wearing garish tee shirts in lieu of actually dressing up or in this case Dbag with pursed lips sporting a laminate signifying supposed VIP status. While he laughed at punks like this what really got him was a hot, young, succulent, alabaster breasted woman such as Adriana being attracted to such nonsense. Had things really changed this much? He thought. Yes it has WBMHC, yes it has and you’re not alone in thinking so. If it’s any consolation WBMHC your obvious look of disgust is felt by us all and for that you have earned the 2012 John Largeman award.
Coming in a close 2nd is Chet Largeman, Photobomber extraordinaire, and contortionist at the sideshow tent for whatever festival this was.
3rd place I give you Dim Nabors, Poor Dim, it’s bad enough he has some elephant man type growth on his forehead, now he has to witness shirtless clubbaggery. At least he has a soul mate in despair further down the bar in pallid Anya.
Honorable Mention:
Dancing drunk chick with levitating URC
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Friday, December 21, 2012GREATEST CRISIS OF MODERNITY: GETTIN' CHEMICALLY SWOLE. SON.
DarkSock here, dispensing this year’s G.C.o’M.
Dammit, Boss stole my thunder by posting this photo Saturday under the possibly twinkie-withdrawal induced title of “Most Impending Sign of Nuclear Scrotacalypse”, but no matter. This only reinforces my thesis, like the wholesome fiber and bran of Justice.
In the primordial con-groo-ation that is douchethink, bigger is better. This is of course why ‘bags must be repeatedly reminded and retrained after each lunch break running the till at their Arby’s gig that although a nickel is bigger, a dime is more valuable.
If a C-cup is good because it gets attention, well hot damn it stands to reason that a pornesque DDD is double-plus-good. Right? If pleasingly firm biceps are desirable, then hormone-swollen limbs that thwart wiping one’s anus without audible grunts is The Bomb.
As long as douchebags lust for the “TIT” in “Titillation and bleethes pine for the “COCK” in “Peacocking” then these unholy couplings of amplified freakish meat-sacs will continue…these lost souls will endeavor on past midnight to the baleful throb of club beats to make and break sexual alliances like lost socks tumbling in the Coin-Op Dryer of Oblivion ensconced in the vast Laundramat of Despair and Poo. This confluence of bulbous external sex organs and swole beach muscles can be evinced writhing in sweaty club hook-ups in pee-stink cave-echo-sultry bathrooms; lolling teats, chemically distended tumescent abs and Raisinette™ testes lubed by hair gel and Preparation H, emitting an unholy balloon-squeak symphony like Satan’s Crickets in the Bait Shop of Hell.
And they do this not only shamelessly, but proudly; wagging their yogurt hoses and flapping their silicone fortified dairy bastions at polite society like so many lewd KY-encrusted party favors…because their cartoonishly exaggerated flesh, good for maybe another decade or so, is their currency and worth. So reasons their room-temp IQ narcissist minds.
They simply do not comprehend that they are the Nickels. And just like Weekend Hulk here at his weekday Arby’s register…it is up to society to make change.
