Douchie Awards
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Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Douchiest Facial Fung: The Craptastropher
Yeesh.
Craptastrophy is right.
From back in June, the douchiest facial fung winner had lots of competition, no seriously, lots.
But none must pass ‘cept the Craptastroper.
A well earned 2012 Douchie Award. Now lets never look at this taintmellon again.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 2
Your second round of the semis, make it count:
HCwDB of the Year Bracket 2 Semifinalist #1: Orangudan and Vegas Kim
Woe is the Orange hemorrhoid in presence of tasty slutty hott Vegas Boobie Suckle.
Whiteheads.
Pimples.
Inflatables.
Douche.
That’s my poem for the morning.
The ‘Dan showed up back in May, winning a monthly with ease, and then turning up again.
For sheer inflated uberdouchosity, it is hard to find more scrotal two-tonery.
But is this shrieking Vegas orange scrotal choad plus Kim Hott enough to make it to the finals of the finals?
Two more to go:
HCwDB of the Year Bracket 2 Semifinalist #2: Grover McPocalypse and Sarah Lawrence Sarah
From all the way back in February comes our first Monthly winner of 2012. this Patchouli smelling bohoemeth of taintal lick hitting on the hot chick we know as Sarah, even if she is making the Bleeth-face.
And don’t forget Grover Grover choke-throtting Heather.
Groves is a great example of dirty mock.
All sorts of hackey sack slack on a hip-hop grunge tip.
The only drawback is Sarah’s kissy lips.
Too Bleethy for true Hott/Douche alterity?
Enough to make it to the finals?
One more to go:
HCwDB of the Year Bracket 2 Semifinalist #3: Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy
With the dead eyes of a douche-shark, the tatts of an anal wart, and cohabit with the doe-eyed perfection of Cindy, the Jerkwad is tough competition indeed.
And lets not forget Guggenheim 2023 entry, “Innocence and Poo Face.”
Theirs is a cohabit of suck.
A vortex of ferret puke.
A Wally World of spin-cycle assmunchery.
But is it enough to knock off the herpsterism of Grover and Sarah and the Vegas meatmusclery of Orangudan and Vegas Kim?
Now’s I need you.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012Douchiest Family: The Tapoutskys
From September.
Remember kids, the family that douches together… uhm… watches Claude LeLouch’s films together.
Yeah. That’s it.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012Jerziest Jerz: Arturo, Skinny Cathy, and a Filthy-Ass Door
This Weekly winning cohabit from DarkSock’s reign of (t)error in August encapsulates the Jerzey aesthetic and wins a coveted Douchie Award.
There’s was lots of Jerz Poo this year, from Vinnies and Vinnies to Burnt Umber Tanning Moms.
But Arturo summons the tacky, yet resilient (props to post-Sandy N.J.) spirit of Guidoland.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012Hardiest Hardy: ThisGuy and Mellany Mellonson
The Ed Hardy global douchestain may be fading. But it is not gone yet. And we will mock until iti s.
From August’s Thoughts and Links, this odious clown in presence of Mellany’s gazangazans takes home the 2012 Douchie Award for Hardiest Hardy.
And by Hardiest, I mean Softiest.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012Douchiest Doucheface: Mongor
The first of our regs awards, lets give out Douchiest Doucheface.
DoucheyWallnuts gives out the award (click on this link for the 48fps aural experience):
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The Douchiest Doucheface is a signature award, in that without the properly douchie facial expression a douche may go unnoticed, or at least under-appreciated. Let me tells ya, its a real friggin honor to be selected to give this here award.
So, keepin this in mind, this year I focused my attention in lookin for the Douchiest Doucheface amongst our monthly winners and contenders, as these egregious examples of the lowest rung of human existence set the bar (low) for the next generation of human detritus. Detritus, I says.
The year started with the old standard Kissy Lips Face (KLF) being the prevalent mode of expression. But as the year went on we saw a trend towards the blank expression and a look of not-so-mild retardation.
Was this change of expressions due to actual chromosomal damage caused by inhaling too much Axe Body Spray and cheap booze, or was this, “New Face” a willful act on behalf of Douches across the globe; is the Blank Face the new Kissy Lips?
So without further ado, let’s hit it.
January represented the end of the old era, start of the new, with Grover McPocalypse topping three classic douchefaces; Andy Swirlwind, Tony the Curdle and Blender Barry. In years past one of these three f@ckwits would have been candidates for the yearly, but the body odor and scary demeanor of Grover scared the Kissy Lips face off of every douche in the country.
Voguegina (May) – Nuance thy name is Voguegina. The slight drawing in of the cheeks gives this douchebag of the month contender a smarmy quality that makes you want to punch him until the flesh on his face resembles Jenna Jameson’s Zool after Tito Ortiz gets done with her. Zool, I says.
Sleepy Jerkenstein (April) – Jerkenstein gave a drug-addled flavor to the Blank Face. Huffing no doubt contributes to Sleepy’s expression as much as punching it would assuage the feelings of hatred and disgust you have for him. Assuage, I says.
Orangudan (May) – Orangudan sprouted from an abscess that formed on Tendon Ted’s hip that was the result of too many steroid injections in that site. His variety of the Blank Face is the Gas Face. And if you ever have the displeasure of speaking to Orangudan you will find that he makes as much sense as do the lyrics of the song of the same name, by 3rd Bass. “A box of Newports, and Puma sweats (“Damn!”)
“Tex feeds and frowns upon Emus To give up Gas Face he drinks from a Thermos.” The Orangudan never uttered a more incoherent statement from his expressionless face. You don’t want to hit Orangudan in the face. No you don’t. Unless you want dead.
Jack the Lipper September – Jack gave it a shot on behalf of all the hipster pussies out there. Really he did. But rather than exude toughness or attitude, he just exudes a prodigious amount of pussiness, just as his pie hole would exude cries of pain and anguish as he gets punched about the head, face and neck area.
And finally we have Mongor, who’s been hangin around for the last few months – Mongor’s blank expression, whether it be due to retardation or cocaine and Extasy abuse, is the baseline from which all other douche faces sprout. It is very difficult to get a more Minimalist facial expression than Mongor, and this douchebag’s face sets the new standard. One has the sense that Mongor would remain expressionless even with a barrage of punches raining down on his punim. Punim, I says. Mongor is our winner (loser) for 2012 Douchiest Doucheface.
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“Assuage, I says” for the win.
Monday, December 10, 2012The Ricky: SweaterMan Twists
The hallowed Ricky Award, named after this legendary dancing everyman, is given out every year to the Joe Schmoe caught in mid-bustin’ dance move.
This year it goes to the ambiguously gaynonymous Sweater Man.
Maybe not ambiguously.
But for worst dance move of the year in service of everyman douchery, the annoying SweaterMan takes the prize.
Monday, December 10, 2012Douchiest Hair: Mickey The Polyp
While voting’s going on, lets give out the first official 2012 Douchie Award.
This greased-up Weekly Winner from April beats out the more overtly laughable douche-hair candidates.
Lets look at the candidates. There was The Poo Tip, The Putzschmuck, The Hawkward, Harvesthead, Froey Buttafuco, The Rusty Trombone, even the ridiculous Shmuckholio and Jewfroey Toddfro.
Meegods that’s a helluva lot of stupid for one universe.
But Mickey The Polyp brought the truly douchiest hair grease to the year, and so we hand out the first official 2012 Douchie Award for Douchiest Hair to this anal cyst.
Monday, December 10, 2012HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 1
It is here. It is on.
Your first of three brackets. Bring it:
HCwDB of the Year Finalists #1 (Bracket #1): Mutato The Bug-Eye Freak and Sister Christie
Our most recent Monthly winner starts things off with a ‘bang.
And by bang I mean she-bang. I mean she-bop.
I have no idea what I mean.
But this is the first classic out-doors douchey/hottie inchoate cohabit.
And it is rank festering poo.
But this is a four entrant category. Three winners in the semifinals, then 3×1 to the finals.
Or something like that.
So we’s gots a long ways to goes.
HCwDB of the Year Finalists #2 (Bracket #1): The Uberbros and Pear Alice
From back in March comes this Monthly winning idiocracy or inanity.
For sheer ridiculosity, the Uberbros bring the douche spectacle in shades.
And by shades, I mean ‘spray.
Skunk ‘spray.
The ‘Bros are peacocking ninnies of nincompoopery.
Pear Alice offers soft supple curvature of the finest choice Pear Wine.
Together, they make a bad night in Hoboken.
But enough to win entrance into the finals?
One more entrant in the first bracket, and it’s a doozy:
HCwDB of the Year Finalists #3 (Bracket #1): Kisseus Vomitorious and Margaret
Winning the monthly in July, the odious and tragic
Kisseus V had his inglorious run of ‘hawked makeouts with a variety of party hotts over the summer months, an epic scrotitude of grandious putridosity. Witness the run: I should’ve stayed in bed, drunken makeout, Naughty Nape Nanine, fauxhawk spittle, seal nads punch, threesomes with Margaret, toxic Jesus chew, and, finally, a new rose tattoo.
Thats’a some epic’a douchebaggery’a. And Margaret holds up her side of the hottness as well.
But enough to win bracket #1?
Now it’s your turn. Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012Benzino and the Woo Hotts get ready for the 2012 Douchie Awards
Yup. That’s Pink Popped Collar.
The way it had to be.
If I can figure a calendar out, I believe the 2012 Douchies’ll start in about two weeks. A stripped down, quiet affair. Less awards, but more potency. Something like that.
Benzino’s already phoning it in.
And then phoning it in with a vase/shoe thingy.
And then phoning it in with a grilled cheese.
That’s how the playahs roll, kids.
If y’all want to contribute an award, drop me a line. Don’t cost nuthin’.
