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Thursday, December 20, 2012
The Yellowtail: Mr. Tibbs
The Yellowtail Douchie Award, also known as The Oldbag, goes to the creepiest old scrote macking on the young hotts of the year.
This award invariably produces its share of heroism and anti-douche applause. For most people, simply witnessing any old geezer keeping his saggy sack in the game and getting his mack on in his senior years is worthy of applause and appreciation.
Oldbags of note this year include:
Greybeard sins against Nature.
The generic Vagitarian.
The creepy Vegas Olddog and Olddog with Pear.
The uber annoying Bronzer McTwat, also known as Mister Asswhiffer.
Narm.
The ancient Tony Cappacino.
The douche-face of Gozer the Fondler.
And Vinny the Crabs Guy who definitely earns his nottadouche and tasty crab snack.
The biggest competition for the Yellowtail award has to go to either Oldbag Harold or Oldbag Ralph, both of whom are odious sucks of taint in presence of hot chick.
But there was no passing up Mr. Tibbs, showing his nieces his fine corinthian leather back in January.
A lotta Oldbags last January. I don’t know what was going on then.
Thursday, December 20, 2012The 'Bagling: Eurotimmy
The competition was fierce, but Eurotimmy was a heavy favorite to win the category. It’s like when you bet on the Superbowl and Tom Brady’s facing Peyton Manning. Some events are preordained.
But there was much competition, including Douchewanks Saying What, Melvin Finkelstein, and The Gloumpa, Timmy Bowtie, none were more ‘baglingesque (Bieberesque?), than January’s Eurotimmy macking on Eastern European Leyona.
A hearty Douchie Award to this barely pubsecent nascent European pudwack.
And may we bomb Dusseldorf as we once did Dresden. And by bomb, I mean ban all dubstep for a 48 hour detoxifying period.
Thursday, December 20, 2012Hottest Hott of the Year #2: Vespa Hott from Lord Helmet and Vespa Hott
From Jenny’s girl-next-door hottness our other 2012 Douchie Award winner is that sultry Eurasian Brunette Goddess we know as Vespa Hott from Lord Helmet and Vespa Hott.
Her Mayan Eye of Coitus takes her otherworldy hottributes and sends them to into the stratosphere of award winning hott munch.
Other Hottest Hotts of the Year include Ashley Pear, Poochtickle Trina, Pouty Cass, British Sexy Sophia, Bath Salts Hugh Jackman’s Sheila, and every single vision of feminine perfection that appeared in Where’s Douchelegs?
Mmm… yes to all please.
Thursday, December 20, 2012Hottest Hott #1: Jenny from the Sci-Fi Poobags
One of the hardest and most subjective categories of the year, here’s your first Douchie Award winner for Hottest Hott of the Year. And the award goes to Jenny from October’s Jenny in the Land of Sci-Fi Herpster Poobags.
For that there is perfection hottieness.
I would suckle and repose with a blankie and a small plastic bag of Twizzlers for sustenance.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012Best Golden Globes: Globes For All!!
Anonymous Hottie from Tool who Points! (And Tool Who Grabs)
Freddie Gets Ready! Rock Steady.
Yo Quero Taco Boob!
Asswipe With a Coors Light’s Kelly!
BroKevin’s Groobs!
Alyssa’s Cleavite!
It was a very good year. Something for everyone.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012Orangest Orange: Orangudan
From back in May, and oranging again in October, this freakish two-toned Vegas scroteweight needed to win at least one Douchie Award when all is said and done.
Runners up inxclude Orangukevin, Loompus Loompa, Crimson Billy, and the hilarious Chaz Bono Shit Golem.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012Douchiest Celebrity Couple of the Year: Kanye/Kardouchian
The great Vin Douchal hands out the prize:
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If’n you don’t know who Emily Maynard and Jef Holm are, you are not qualified to pick the “Celebrity Douche Couple” for the 2012 Douchies.
This is a category yours truly was born to own and dominate.
Let’s start with the year in review and elimination. Beiber and Gomez, if you’re not a pimply 14 year old girl you shouldn’t care. For sheer creepy factor Olivier Sarkozy and Mary-Kate Olsen bring the goose chills. Just because your brother is the President of France doesn’t mean you can come grab up Ze Amairican Cheeks like some bottom feeding flounder. Got no problem with those May-December romances but the first time I saw a photo of these two together my urethra clamped shut for two days.
Heidi Klum managed to bring even more head scratching than when she married Seal by leaving him for her tattooed douchebag bodyguard. Listen, there isn’t a one of us that wouldn’t mind eating her strudel even with the thought of following Seal up that trail. Seal’s talent is inversely proportional to his ugly.
(Dis)Honorable mention to unmentionable Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger, the brother-sister duo Bobbi Kristina Brown and Nick Gordon and their upcoming nuptials (Blechh, I just barfed a little in my mouth), Katy Perry and anyone she picks to hook up with and Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy (although little is known about this dude, he’s a Kennedy therefore Auto-Douche, she’s been Bleethed out by Hollywood).
This year’s decision presented itself in a bacon wrapped dilemma on a stick. My distaste for these two people can only be measured in galaxies. Kanye West presents the exact talent level of lowest common denominator popular entertainment while Kim Kardasian has no discernible skill of any kind. Having a giant, yet shapely butt may be the only thing she could place on her resume. Also , it’s a good thing her parents are rich because it appears she cakes on about $1400 worth of makeup every day on that grille of hers
Punchable Kanye West… Where do I start? The elementary/simplistic/imbecilic music, the unearned cocksure stance, the live hijacking of the Grammys when he grabbed the microphone to say that Beyonce should have won and that they both lost because of racism? This even though he, Beyonce, Herbie Hancock, Corrine Bailey Rae and Rihanna all won up to that point. Whiner. Shrieking whiner.
So let’s reward bluster and butts and give the “2012 Douchiest Couple” to two of the most deserving douchebags on the planet, Kanye West and Kim Kardasian.
And Kanye? Get that f’en harelip fixed will ya? You’ve got enough cash duping 12 year olds to afford it.
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Wednesday, December 19, 2012Douchiest Ruiner of Sapphic Love: Guy Who Ruins Pics of Hot Chicks Making Out Guy
From October.
This guy had to win an award for something other than Best Oyster Gobbler at the 2009 Provincetown CLam Bake. And yes. That is a euphemism. For something ambiguous.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012HCwDB of the Year
This one’s for the whole enchilada.
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1: Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy
As I wrote last time, the dead eyes of a douche-shark and the tatts of an anal wart were too much to overcome.
And lets not forget Guggenheim 2023 entry, “Innocence and Poo Face.”
Barely besting the roidal rage of Orangudan and sexy slutty cocktailing Vegas Kim, with the Groverpocalypse also finding the support, The Jerksenstein/Cindy combo was both doucheface and artistic craptastery.
As Charles Nelson Doucheley put it: Sleepy Jerkenstein is easily the wrongest of the lot. The other two don’t create any rage. A tatted up Vegas bleeth deserves some roidhead who can only speak in grunts. Sarah deserves to spend time at Grover’s commune (actually, a bachelor apartment in Omaha) until Daddy finds out and cuts off her trust fund.
Or maybe retard said it best: Never before have I been so thoroughly disgusted by the difference between girl-next-door-cute Cindy and choadwank Sleepy. The thought of him pawing on Cindy’s funbags is downright repulsive. Fear God as the cheektats suggest? Nah. I might openly question why he allows bottom feeders like Sleepy into our world.
A solid first entrant in the wrongness between douche awfulness and sexy hottness, and well deserving of the finals.
But look who just entered the arena!…
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2: Benzino and the Unholy Pear Fondle
While Larissa may be headed to the Hall of Hott, And Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela came close to the upset, Benzino and Pear take the cake.
The Benzbag’s run was epic douchery. It began in March and picked up speed when Benzino mugged Soho Sophia in November.
From there:
Benzino’s Mongoresque Stare with Party Hotts
And Benzino and Rich Girl Rachel Hott and Benzino and Rich Girl Rachel Hott’s Rachels.
And of course, for full douche pedigree:
Benzino with Peter Pumpin’head and Benzino with The King.
Wowza.
That’s a lotta Vegas choadwank.
As Guid is Good put it so eloquently during the vote:
Benzino has had the Yearly in the ‘Bag since birth. It’s like when Tiger Woods was banging a dozen cocktail waitresses at a time, everyone else is just playa’ing for second.
Benizno is purity of douchenozzle like rare this site hath seen. But is Benzino too “Paid to Douche” to win the Yearly? One more major entrant, and the voting shall begin:
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3: Kisseus Vomitorious and Margaret
From July, Kisseus had his epic run of grandious putridosity.
Witness the taint one more time: I should’ve stayed in bed, drunken makeout, Naughty Nape Nanine, fauxhawk spittle, seal nads punch, threesomes with Margaret, toxic Jesus chew, and, finally, a new rose tattoo.
Yeeeeeechhhhhh.
THEONETRUEDOUCHE explains his vote in the thread:
Every year I hate that I must vote in this contest-The contest shows that Douchebagery continues and we have yet to eradicate this plague from the earth. Each year we must resolve to continue that which DB1 began and to wipe from the planet this virus that eats at our soul. We dare not forget today that we are the heirs of that first revolution. Let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans—born in this century, tempered by war, disciplined by a hard and bitter peace, proud of our ancient heritage—and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing of those human rights to which this Nation has always been committed, and to which we are committed today at home and around the world. Let every douchebag know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty. This much we pledge—and more. Kisseus Vomitorious and Margaret.
Let this be our rallying cry for the 2012 Douchie Awards. For the finals are here.
Jacques Doucheteau agrees:
All the other contenders are amateur douchebags, douching it up like animals on the weekend only to return to a dulldrum life of hawking iPhone covers at the Sprint kiosk in the mall. Kisseus Vomitorious is a fuccen pro. He breathes, eats, and lives douche like Axe is oxygen and Blue Label Vodka is fuccen ass puss. Because he subsists on ass puss. Fucc dat guy.
And, as eagle-eyed long time ‘bag hunter Wheezer observes, K.V. also won a 2011 HCwDB of the Week as Tommy Pak.
But is K.V. just another Vegas ass choad? Well, yes. And that certainly doesn’t preclude his douchetidue with that level of hott counterbalance from winning the Yearly.
Now I turn it over to you.
The horrors of Sleepy Jerkenstein and Hottie Cindy? The tatted up greasism of Benzino and Pear/Soho Sophia? Or is it K.V.’s idiotic douche-abs and sexy Margaret?
This is it.
Vote, as always, in the comments threads.
Monday, December 17, 2012Best Golden Globes: Sheertina
Yet another 2012 Douchie Award for Best Golden Globes must go to joyous party purity suckle boobie hottness, Sheertina.
For she is the perfection that smells like pinecones and innocence.
And she is award winning:
