John Mayer Is Still a Douchebag
Folk singing emo turd John Mayer has made an entry on his blog about the word “douchebag.”
In this entry, dated 12/26, Mayerdouche seeks to subvert any attempts to hoist him on the petard of his own uberdouche by preempting the word using ironic meta-commentary.
This strategy is common among the rocker douches. Embrace their douche, then hope their annoying antics are innoculated from ‘bag deconstruction.
Not so fast, Mayerbag. Any faux-emotional tool who sings a song called “Your Body is a Wonderland” has tread into Michael Bolton douchebaggery. And any attempts to backdate such douchal spew with retrofit irony must be met with a swift and decisive response.
I am that response.
That foot is me.
First, Mayer attempts to claim that he is only one of a large number of musicians who have been tagged with the proverbial “douchebag” term. Mayer writes:
And “douchebag” was on the vinegary tips of everyone’s tongues this year. Trouble is, I’m not really clear on what it means, and I don’t know that anyone does. I know that I get called one. Pete Wentz from Fallout Boy, by measure of a google search, is a douchebag 11,100 times over, or the number of results that the search engine says exist. Zach Braff, who himself wrote one of the better films I’ve seen in the last decade is also frequently ‘bagged, as is some guy named Brody Jenner.
Poor John Mayer.
Tagged unfairly by a group smear using a trendy word. Unclear on the term, and the victim of a rash of driveby “douchebag” terms along with a number of talented individuals. Like Zach Braff and… Brody Jenner.
Nicely played, Mayerdouche. Who can argue with the Brody Jenner example?
Mayer’s whine continues:
Are you as confused as I am as to what the common denominator of douchiness is? Is it someone that comes off obnoxious? Self aggrandizing? Ignorant? Or is it just someone who exists out of another person’s comfort zone? And doesn’t that account for almost everyone in the world, celebrity or otherwise?
The common denominator is a preening male tool who presents a false spectacle to dazzle and confuse a female into thinking he is an object of cultural desire. In other words you, guitar hero. What’s so hard to get?
Mayerscrote whines on:
Ohhhhh…OR…is being a douchebag actually all about having a bigger smile than someone else deems you deserve to in life?
No. It’s not that at all. It’s not jealousy, and your response is the equivalent of “talk to the hand.” You’re getting called out for your falseness, your spectacle, Mayerdouche. It’s not about a word. It’s about you.
Mayer concludes his defense of douchebaggery with the following:
Maybe I should take this opportunity to define douchebag once and for all; I think if enjoying your life as you choose happens to spill over into treating others without respect, then you’re a total, world-class douchebag.
“Respek” isn’t what defines douchebaggery, Mayerchoad. Nor does “enjoying your life.” Brad Pitt doesn’t get called a douchebag, just as Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole. There is confidence, and there is douchebaggery.
There are musicians, and then there are no talent hacks running around with Jessica Simpson to Teen Choice Awards afterparties.
There are talented rock stars, and guys who sing falsetto three chord odes to running through the halls of their high schools.
You aren’t a major douche, Mayer. More on the minor annoyance scale. But your clubgoing buy-in to the no talent Hollywood party scene, the TMZ spectacles, the fame-without-talent auditions, the herpfests with Jessica Simpson and the Lohan/Hilton clown-shows, render any claim you have to non-douchebaggery to be laughable at best.
You are the musical Brody Jenner, Mayer. You strum a chord and have long hair, and are in the middle of your five year run. Good on you.
But don’t claim with detached irony to be so world weary as to not understand why people call you out for your Hollywood douchebaggery. You are every bit the preening tool with delusions of grandeur about whatever modicum of talent you managed to cash in on.
There is a reason people call you douche. It isn’t some catch-all term that needs defining. It is the essence of the performative spectacle of preening male pseudo-celebs in the age of internet culture. It is the defining characteristic of those men clawing their way to the top within a media saturated car crash spectacle of internet fueled viral “fame.”
You buy in hook line and sinker. You date Jessica Simpson, douche up the hair, hit the party scenes, and then whine when people call you out about it? Please.
It’s not the word that needs further definition, Mayer. It’s your personality.
Put down the gear, jump off the Lohan party circuit, and write a song that isn’t about getting laid or your high school, that has poetry and art to it, and we’ll talk. You produce some great art, and there’s a lot of leeway granted if you want to douche it up on the side. Until then, you’re a douchebag.
