Friday Thoughts and Links
I have many thoughts upon this crisp, Los Angeles Friday.
With the 2009 Douchies coming up fast, the pics are being processed and the awards committee is hard at work. And by awards commitee, I mean me. Sitting around. Scratching myself. Eating bowls of Frosted Flakes and enjoying my 1970s Eliot Gould Netflix festival.
The Douchies begin December 7th.
I tip a half eaten HoHo to all of us bag hunters and huntresses. I sip an Ubiquitous Red Cup filled with Trader Joe’s Blood Orange soda from one of the vintage bottles I keep on my Blood Orange Soda rack. And I burp.
My burps taste like fresh HoHos.
Here’s your links:
Lets get our retro groove on with the uberhott and frequently naked Dolly Read “singing” Sweet Talkin’ Candy Man in the Roger Ebert scripted classic, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. This song is genius. Crying out for an updated indie cover.
Moving up a few decades, how’s about some 1980s retro douche: The William Zabka Trilogy.
And, in our present historical moment, there’s: Michael Bay. Douche.
Reader Matt looks up The Salt Licker’s stomach tatt and discovers it’s the symbol for sulfur.
Speaking of the 80s, This’ll cheer you up.
But also sad news: Ken Ober has passed away. At a ridiculously young age. The hilarious host of the great game show on MTV that inspired much of my early teen years, Remote Control. In memorium: Kenny wasn’t like the other kids.
My contributions to the development of linguistic discourse continue.
Do not click on this link. I’m serious. If you do, I don’t want to hear any whining about it. I must include it because it’s superdouchey, but it’s also psychologically scarring. I take no blame. (although if you can make it to :53, the dance is hilarious. Good luck making it.)
Okay, after that link I owe you.
Here’s your payback: Sky Pear.
Sky Pear: round mounds of cockk pound…..
BRB…..
**clicks on**
I Love Ass Pear
**clicks on**
I keep my wallet in this zebra clad mound of a V-ault… my stink wallet
From "Sweet Talkin' Candy Man" to "Douche Talkin' Implant Man"?????
DB1, if nothing else you certainly have range.
I think I need to again cop that groovy buzz and enjoy those boobies. Oh, and did I mention that I enjoy the Sky Pear?
Haiku:
Ha! Wheezer beats Lämp
by milliseconds. Yet still
Both are Fuccen Freaks.
LAMP YOU FUCKSTAIN YOU CLIKED ON TWICE! YOURE RUIN THE FAGOATHY EARTH WIHT YOUR ENEGERY WASTING! NO FUCEN TARAML!@
UR SITE IS NOTHING WITHOUT ME!!! WHERES MY ROYALTY CHECK???? GLAD TO BE OF ASSISTANCE!!!! ALL BOW DOWN TO "SMOOT DA CHAMP"!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Flyteeth,
I think Lämp was too preoccupied with Sky Pear to notice that. Haven't we all erred on the side of honey buns and flesh melons at one time?
Or maybe it was the titty-man in the last video – I know I'm scarred by it.
Regarding the individual that put the "Do not click on this link" link into DB1's socially irresponsible hands:
Fuck You.
I will now mentally fly my Dong-Jet into Sky-Pear's aerodrome as a pallette cleanse.
And by cleanse I mean baby wipes.
What gym routine do you maniacally focus on to yield spasmodic man-teats? And moreover…WHY?!?!?
We deserve bonus ass pear. Forewarning be damned.
Somebody please turn off the lamp. We are trying to save energy here in the Goldenshower State.
Fuck you Wheezer.
"Goldenshower State"
I didn't know Mr. White was a guvnah…..?
Smoot is looking very Fish Slap here.
I wonder if Smoot also styles hair for a living?
Fuck Fish Slap
That Michael Bay fellow entices young women into sexual situations with large amounts of cocaine and money.
Hey, was that musclehead the "whoa" guy's latin evil twin. Nice dance, manicon.
Just 10 seconds of that freakish gorilla was enough to ruin my weekend.
Damn you DB1 and your crafty disclaimer meant to only make it harder to resist clicking.
AV
Look: The Sperm overflow scupper on Smoot's Chick's belly is discharging again.
Re: APRENDA A TREINAR NA SUA CASA aka mantitties
I think this guy is a Klingon. Listen to that fucked up way he talks ….
That dude has breast, shoulder, and trap implants…what a TOOL!
I like Lamp, but he needs his off switch fixed.
Poor Smoot.
You had a good thing going with Crystal. But you thought greener pastures may lie elsewhere, and now you stand juxtaposed to this ferret-haired plastic train wreck.
Call up Crystal. If you left her, beg for forgiveness, buy her flowers, and try to make it right. If she left you for a normal looking human being, I'd suggest looking into tattoo removal.
After the first punch Carlos was reminded that they weren't real muscles. After his boob exploded with the second punch, he was assured of it.
Skypear makes my hand fly.
Fuck, I mixed up Ken Ober and Kurt Loder there for a minute and was excited.
Oh, and I see from the "Do not click link" that Alex Rodriguez is back on the steroids.
Motherfucker! Putting up a warning like that is akin to giving a kid matches and telling him not to burn the house down. I love how Gay-Rod feels himself up. I just can't stop giggling at that. What a way to start out the weekend…
What the fuck Smoot? Zebra Bleeth's upper thigh looks like an overstuffed bag of cake batter. What did you do to Crystal?
How many implants do I need to get in order to look like a stack of yak bladders? I'd like that many, plus two more. Thanks doc!
Crystal:
Please mix in a salad once in a while.
Thanks,
The Gang
Well if Sky Pear has not been 'shopped, then all I have to say is: Great Googly Moogly!
Also, is it wrong of me to wish that Sea-Hag had 3-foot long pubic hair tresses wisping out the bottom of her small pants, like a snatch-based Fu Manchu?
Because, they would compliment the hair on her head so awesomely.
They could be like ape-hangers for her labia majora.
You could tie one end to each bedpost.
Or you could enlist the help of a friend 3 counties away to play a Fu-Manchu Rapunzelesque version of "Peek-A-Boo!"
just a thought
Question for Smoot:
Ummmmm, you know you're supposed to pee in her butt, not her cup, right?
Sky Pear
Sillouetted against the crystal horizon
Lift me up as a Pheonix risin'
Controller of destiny, a Princess so reagle
Soars through the clouds as on wings of an eagle
Perfection of form, decorating the sky
A heavenly Goddess, I shall worship on high
Sky Pear, I'm human, I'm flawed, and quite weak
Yet I'll gladly forgive that zit on your cheek
Sky Pear
I needed to take some time away from all this to convince my uvula to shut the fuck up. It's too much, too too much. William Zabka. Michael Bay. 50 cent. Even the suggestion of Salt Lick's fuckin navel ink. And then the gloriously douchescrotiously gagmanifically carrot-on-a-string setup of the choadster with his tits . . . DB1, Sky Pear simply will not do. You know there may be tears to shed for this godforsaken world but they were instantly obliterated by the nuclear blast of wanktits douchecock and his technoshite. Oh, oh, oh.
@scrotum pole –
That was beautiful, man, but I'm having a hard time (heh heh) trying to find this phantom zit.
I guess I should keep looking. And by "looking," I naturally…..oh hell, you guys know damn well this is a joke about soiling a tube sock…..
regal? ^
That booty so round it can be classified as a planet, because it meets all three criteria.
1. It has enough mass to make it round.
2. It has cleared its neighbourhood of smaller objects
3. It revolves around the sun. And by sun, I mean my cock.
Why not seak a way to work "leagl" in there as well?
Then again, I've never delt with being a muse before, so what do I know?
that arse is everything an arse should be.
devastatingly geometric.
beautifully toned, but with a body mass index still in the realms of healthy womanly shapeliness.
you know, this derrière could potentially give A. La Plante a run for her money.
i would very much like to bite her bum.
amen.
I'd slap her porch meat.
Flyteeth and tarmal are sad. Just plain sad.
Slapping porch meat being a good thing.
regarding the chap with the bizarrely over-developed pectoral muscles…one begs the question, why didn't anyone tell him to stop?
Smoot seems to attract all types and takes all he attracts.
"What gym routine do you maniacally focus on to yield spasmodic man-teats? And moreover…WHY?!?!?"
"That dude has breast, shoulder, and trap implants…what a TOOL!"
No implants…well, the pecs could be implants. The traps & shoulders are definitely injected with oil.
Just as toolish and stupid…and lazy, too! Oildouche!
The only thing better than that ass pear is ass lamp being beaten to his lame stupid insipid "clicks…" bullshit as the first thing in the comments.
Lamp is cool.
I'd put my porch beef in her porch meat pie.
I'm sorry, I can't hear the sounds of Image Wranglers sniveling over the sounds of Lämp's awesomeness.
So, I skipped farther into the Mooby video, and man – he turns his back to the camera and it is ZIT CITY. He's got a fine case of Roid Acne going.
Good grief what a tool.
DB1- the video, but not the song, was redone a few years ago by the Pipettes, to their song, "Pull Shapes".
The video has no choad to match the Hotts who are the Pipettes, although the "Teen Tycoon of Rock" takes a decent stab at it.
Lamp on the fritz is still better than reading bitter comments.
UUUUUGGGH! DAMN CURIOSTIY! I had to click it…WOW. First couple seconds…ridiculous! My eyes are burning! It looks like he has implants. just…wow… 🙁
@Wheezer 2:49
Don't forget "modicum", or you will have to rewrite it.
@Spiny 1:35
"Sperm overflow scupper".
Funny shit.
Billy Zabka is a nice guy. You do realize what "acting" is, don't you?
Okay, I’m not sure if DB1 reads the comments thread on old posts, so I’ll just plop my Douchie nominees right smack in the middle of this Friday Thoughts post. Without further ado Pt. I:
Hottest Hott: Cynthia from the Orange Jeter post.
Best Golden Globes: Eiffel Towers.
Smells Like Poo: Mammy Miami.
Orangest Orange: Clockwork Douche.
Crimsonest Crimson: The Missing Pink
Most Expensive First Date Hott: Contextualizing the Six Pound Watch, because they clearly won’t pay their bill. And there are two of them… The opposite? Welcome to Florabama.
Douchiest Hair: Swifferhead.
Douchiest Facial Expression: A Case in Douchelipsery. It won’t win, but I get a good lol when I see the pic. A real scary candidate should be Tilt Tuesday.
Douchiest Hand Gesture: Decipher That Hand Gesture.
Greasiest Greasestain: Crabs McGee.
Most European Eurobag: Halloween or Europe?
Part II:
Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple of the Year: John & Kate Plus a Douchie Fate. Please go away already.
Most Annoying 'Bagling: Kegger Dogs.
The Ricky (aka the "Everybag"): Pfah’s twin, from the Russia with Love post.
Greatest Crisis of Modernity: White Boy Frank from Tennessee.
Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott: Moe’s Faux Finds Love.
Bleethiest Bleeth (aka "The Douchebaguette" for the douchiest lady): Jethro’s Swap.
Most Innovative 'Bag Maneuver of 2009: The Groin Shave Reveal will win. I respectively submit the irono-mustache that’s seen on The Hickbag and also on The Stachebagger.
Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim Art Museum in 2023: Tough choices. I submit Where’s Waldouche: Ass Pear Edition in an exhibit alongside FratsnHotts Playing Pool.
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: Bats Maru.
Best 'Bag Hunter of the Year (Comments Threads): Darksock would win every year IMHO ( just read the comments thread to Crimson Ted here). Seriously. For posterity’s sake, read that fuccen thread. But in an effort to spread the love, my nomination this year is for Wheezer. Seriously, who brings the research and ‘bag knowledge any better?
Best 'Bag Huntress of the Year (Comments Threads): Medusa O. (I voted for IdahoHott last year, so I consider this spreading the love).
Pt. III – My Own Category
Best Contributing Commentator to HCwDB: Vin Douchal (song parodies) & JCVD (playing cards) and the dude who did the Hot Peeps with Douchepeeps (or something like that).
Please bring back: The Limericks on Wednesdays and a sprinkling of epic poetry or ‘Story This’ posts… ala 03/26/09 or Summer’s Eve on 03/06/09.
Bonus Section:
Answer to an age old question around here: Who is Doc? Answer: Image Wrangler.
One of those videos where you don't have to speak the language to know that the comments are not full of praise:
"que boiola deormado é esse? quanto silicone viadinho"
"manu, que ridiculo, maluco deformado nojento manu !!!"
"que isso mano, silicone?"
"Olha, podes fazer sucesso como transex com esses peitinhos."
"valeo mano por me faser rir tanto durante esses 5 minutos rídiculos"
I don't speak any Portugese but I think I get the message they are sending him!
P.s.
I know some of the links don't work. But I am way to fuccen tired to fix that shit right now.
Aaaaaaugh!! My f'ing eyes! They've been gouged out by pointy moobs! Seriously, how many starving babies could his man leche sustain anyway?
The video gets better at 1:37. I keep expecting those things to jump off his chest and go assault little old village women.
P.S. Thanks for the cheer up DB1. Anything with Oingo Boingo in it is frikin' awesome. "It's a new generation."
For Guggenheim award, I would recommend an image that burned its way into my brain. IT's of a very babe like female in the foreground on a blanket or tabletop or some large rectangular thing, and she is surrounded by a horde of douchebags and bleeths all standing around in ankle deep water. It's a tremendous image, reminding me of Breughel, if was was alive today and coked out of his brains at some Spring Break party.
That one really sticks out for me. I have so much grading to do right now, I can't really devote much time to the nominations.
Had to stop by to check out the Friday asspear. Sky Pear doesn't dissapoint. Smoot got a bouncy one didn't he.
Remote Control brought us Kari Whurur. I think that is how you spell her last name. She was so hott.
Its Kari Wuhrer. Google images has a pic of her in a wet t-shirt that rules.
She has the voice of an angel.
Well, this particular photo isn't Kari Wuhrer in a wet t-shirt, but I think you'll all forgive me.
Nominate Jacques D. for best e-mail address. Dude, I about pissed myself.
man boobs!
I reiterate: Ass Pear is supreme, and would not be the perfection she is without that wasp-waist.
Waist makes haste for all those contemplating how fast they can jizz this Jezebel, for it is the dance pole, the grab-handle of all that is above and below, the hourglass of hetero-humpula.
Okay, I'm not whining, I'm laughing too hard at the sight of Rippling Jello Moobs.
The plastic surgeon who did this must be smirking all the way to the Swiss Bank Accounts.
Oh, and thanks for the douchey couple. She takes the cake with her My Little Pony hair, zebra lined with pink teeny-bikini, and really cute way she wears her purse strap across her torso.
His little dash of red spike in the mesa hair hints at a red-light quandary: That's either STOP, or Welcome into the Madam's Parlor.
I hate Fridays. Get up 10:38AM and literally go right to work. Get home some 11 hours later and then see this guy. Nice little swatch of pink in your hair, guy. And Booty Hott Zebrakini… I think you may be douche too. Plus the picture is fucked up. LOL WTF is that behind her drinkin' arm? For a second, I thought that she may be only one-armed and that his left arm was like 4 feet long….unless they're wearing the same nail polish. This was painful to write.
You all enjoy your Thanksgiving Holiday. I will be enjoying the humid breezes in San Juan, Costa Rica for the next week. Time to rejuvenate my ‘baghunting prowess in preparation for The Douchies in just a few short weeks.
Until then, douche on!
Sky pear is pretty obviously photoshopped to me. Her back is a richer golden brown color than her ass and thighs. If she was getting enough sun to do her back, I certainly think she wouldn't spare her ass and legs.
Brazilian RoidBag: omg. What is really disturbing is how he starts stroking them at 3:00. His boobs are bigger than mine. Fark.
Those implants are insane on that dude…he looks deformed. I'm not sure which is worse, the fake breasts or the hump he's developed.
Big Booty. And I'm guessing he's only about 5'-6".
And DB1? you owe us extra pear for that video. i hate you for all of next week.
Umm yah that is the worse case of moobs I've ever seen. Obvious implants, you can see them every time he flexes, but I think he opted for female implants, what a dumbass, male pectoral implants aren't round and jiggly. And the the other muscles are obviously fake too, quite sad and funny that he actually thinks that he looks good, when he actually looks very deformed. He seriously has bigger tits than I do.
i think it's kinda sad that the moob video has eclipsed every other Friday T&L entry.
which is why i must magnify the suckitude of the moob video with even more virulent mocking.
i want a matador to ram several rapiers through his rib cage. because that's how i celebrate Spanish culture.
hi Meech / Michelle @ 12:49 AM. most of your male Facebook friends look / sound douchey. but if we have to judge women by the company they keep, HCwDB would probably have no bag huntresses. so i will just take solace in the fact that you're hot.
in summary, welcome to HCwDB.
I don't know if Sky Pear makes up for that video… If it were I think it would somehow have to involve the phrase 'balls deep'…
dont click on it just like he forewarns…
@ Steve…well I just went through and looked at my male friends and I do have to admit that quite a few of them do look douchey, but I don't know all of them. I will say that a few that I actualy do know have some douchey pics up. But I do know that I have a few guy friends that do fit appearance of your typical douchebag but they don't act like your typical douche. Some of them have even said that they are surprised that they have not made it on here yet, but if they did they would laugh about it, They have friends that have made it and they all laugh about it.
All in all though I do know quite a few…I know of at least 60+ that have made it on here(that was what I counted awhile back but the number has gone up since then), or at least recognized through friends. I would not consider any of them actual friends, more like acquaintances or might have met them through a friend a few times. If you saw my pics you would have a field day with them, quite a few with my ex, who I finally admitted to myself is a total douche along with a lot of his friends, Including pics with RoboPud and The Swirlwind, quite a few others too but I can't remember all the names, I guess I was just in denial for the longest time that my ex was not like the company that he kept, but he really really is. He was just so good at acting like he wasn't that way when I was around but I finally saw the true douche come out…only took a yr n a half. I'm still waiting for the day he makes it on here without me sending it in.
For almost the last year I have been wanting to send in pics of Robopud, even the one that made it, but I never did, mostly cuz he was my ex's friend and my ex said that it's immature. So glad someone finally did it though. It made my day when I saw him on here, and believe me he DEFINITELY deserves that win, in my book he deserves douchebag of the year, If you only knew what I know. I just wish some pics with him and my ex would have made it. One day though, I just have to be patient.
@ Meech 4:28 AM
Being trapped among douches is like alcoholism. Admitting there is a problem and acting to correct it is the first step. Good work, and welcome.
On the negative side, you have now ruined your ability to work as our spy amongst the douches…
@Meech, 4:28 p.m. –
Welllll, there's not really any way for anyone to prove you sent in any photos should you decide to do so, especially if you have any other damning photos of Robopud. (wink wink)
You just need your own plant in that haven of choadwankery of Robopud and your ex. Do you know anyone willing to spy and grab some candid photos? Heh heh…..
I found the photo I was talkin about:
here: http://img215.imageshack.us/img215/4686/wheresdouchebagsi.jpg
fucking genius.
the Samurai Scrote thread broke Blogger again
@ Troy 7:40
There's a cockk punch reserved in Hell for every dude in that photo.
Troy's photo – yet I'm sure most of you already knew it was here once before.
Once again, I'm late to the party.
Sweet Talkin' Candy mad made me feel funny in my girl parts.
Michael Bay. 1:11. huh huh huh.
R.I.P. Ken Ober. And I always thought you were way funnier and cooler than Colin Quinn.
Espanomoob–Yes. Undoubtedly implants. And that makes me sad. when the boys have bigger, firmer titties than the girls, what chance do we stand? Baking cupcakes is only going to get me so far.
@ Sky Pear–Yeah, being a cunty chick, I zeroed right in on the zit, too. And then I cried because my ass will never look that good with all the Photoshop in the world.
re: Sky Pear= Ass implants?
And by that I mean I would implant her ass with anything connected to me that would fit.
On another note, I think this specimen is closest you can get to the line between ghetto booty and quality pear. However she is still a candidate for my spank-bank.
Michael Bay and Fitty… two sides of the same douche coin.
What's with Smoot and the hair dye. It's all kinds of gaye.
este el joto parece un más de naranja madura, je je fucking puto… is he related to secar con arena chanate?
Is anyone in here still yelling "100th POST!"???
Pumpy's ex-girlfriend is getting fat.
B-B-B-Bag To The Bone
2hemisphere