Ask DB1: Non-Douchey Body Products?
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DB1-
I just watched an Old Spice commercial. They’re trying to – er, “spice” up their brand from the old man image. It won’t work for me, because my dad wore Old Spice. But I digress.
Are there any nice-smelling body products for men that aren’t douchey?
I use Arid XX unscented on my pits, and one of those no-brand ocean sniff body wash things, but if I want to get a prize stink on, where should I shop?
We need a tight list of douche-resistant flavor enhancements, for the sake of the hotts!
Please keep up the great work.
Sincerely,
– The Dude
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Axe = douchebag.
So let it be written.
So let it be done.
The rest must be judged on a case by case basis, but if the word “bodyspray,” or any implication of seductive powers imparted through the purchasing power of a bottle of canned aerosol that sells for $3.56 at Rite-Aid, exists, then autobag takes place as well.
OK, here you go, I submit my list of things men can wash with, deodorize with and spray on to smell a little better:
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1) Soap = Ivory. You can’t get more plain Jane, no frills and completely antithetical to the douche credo than goddamn Ivory soap. Bar, not any kind of faggy soft soap crap.
2) Deodorant = One of them crystal things. Other than when I’ve dropped one they seem to last forever. And if they don’t work perfectly that’s fine, your a MAN for Christ’s sake.
3) Cologne = This gets a little tougher. Basically anything that ISN’T advertised should work if you NEED to spray something on. I personally choose the classic green bottle of Polo by Ralph Lauren. It’s so old and dated that douchebags wouldn’t be caught dead wearing it because it’s not the “new thing” that is being foisted upon them.
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That’s it, anything else is pretty much auto douche if you ask me.
My dad told me never smell like something you can purchase at a supermarket. He was a zoot suit dancer after the WW II with style and taste
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The thing is it doesn’t matter what you wear but these fuckkers nowadays slather so much on it’s inescapable. Their horrible scent arrives before they do and lingers long after they’ve mercifully left.
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Like cocaine, whiskey, internet porn, the NFL, sex with midgets and dairy products, moderation is key.
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On a related note, nice photos of the Cincy Bengals cheerleader tryouts, in bikinis
^ Totally concurrent with Mc900FD there. Bar soap is the boss. If you’re not into Ivory, some Castille or Pear’s soap is great and you can get it at the dollar store.
Speed stick is such a good deodorant. It smells clean and smells like a man.
Ditto on the cologne. The classics. Polo, Cool Water, Joop and Acqua Di Gio. Anything else and you’re gonna smell like a Miami nightclub.
^ Way to forget to sign in, Gorgon breath.
Dial soap, and whatever shower gel my kid buys for me at Christmas. I admit that his gift choices sometimes leave me smelling a bit like a French whorehouse, but spurning his presents would be by far the douchier of the options available.
MC 900s list is solid. Irish Spring works too for soap or Dial. I think people in general overuse colognes and perfumes. My general rule is if a dude uses more products than me he is either a douche or homosexual. Can’t get any simpler than that fellas.
I like when gals in bathing suits smell like Coppertone, but I may be alone on that one
MC is on the ball.
Soap= Ivory or whatever is in the tub.
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Shampoo=Ivory or whatever is in the tub, sometimes Elmo Strawberry Bubble Bath, I don’t fucking care if I smell like bubbles. I’m a man damn it and if I get into the shower it’s gettin’ done in two minutes, usually happens because the Mrs. tells me I smell like melanin and ball sweat.
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Cologne=case by case basis: anything that covers the melanin and bag stink. Usually Febreeze or Glade Linen Air Freshener. And usually on the inside and outside of my shorts, and by shorts I don’t mean underwear. I have gone commando since junior high, Calloused old nerved damaged circumcised cock tips last longer anyway.
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Deodorant=What? I only wear the finest Eau du Chad.
Soap = Irish Spring (or whatever the wife buys. Like I give a shit. She hates stuff that smells a lot anyway).
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Deodorant = Sorry but old school here: Original Old Spice (in moderation). Classic scent and reminds you of old time “real men”. Like Vin said, in moderation although I’m not so sure about internet porn and whiskey.
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Cologne=Whatever the wife wants me to smell like which is usually like the above. I haven’t worn it in years and I’m totally cool with that. She hasn’t gotten me any and I stopped asking about it. Most shit smells like goat sweat mixed with a touch of homeless guy’s balls and Limberger to me now. I’m usually the guy sprinting through the department store entrance flipping off the vapid twatty trying to douse me with the latest stench. She could be a 5′ 8″ stawberry blonde with a knockout figure and I’ll still do the dash. The wife lets me know when I stink.
Get your Bag Balm here…
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Does this prevent Bags from being an irritant?
http://www.amazon.com/Vermonts-Original-Bag-Balm-Protective/dp/B0014CI4X8
creature sweat is the source of Halston
Hey, Old Spice Guy isn’t douchey. He talks a lot like our esteemed host, actually.
Aw fuck.
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“any implication of seductive powers imparted through the purchasing power”
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There goes my plan to revive Hai Karate.
Only one bar of soap can touch a mans body, Lava. If lava makes cologne, body wash, deodorant etc., you can use that. But only Lava brand.
P.S. If you have tatoos use Lava with caution. Unless you want the tattoos removed.
@Fatness, if anyone can bring it back its you. I say not douchey. Its more ironic. Which might make you a hipsterbag but its worth the risk.
@YA our esteemed host goes by the online moniker of douchebag1. You were saying?
You guys all bathe too much. I smell like seaweed and salty spray. And that’s just my balls.
If you want to get your prize stink on, take a fuccen shower. No cologne or bullshit. Guess what? You’ll smell like a guy who just took a shower. She will love you for it.
The End.
There was once a terrible, obnoxious douchey scent called “Jade East” among other things. I hope no one ever revives it, but it wouldn’t surprise me to discover it in the Vermont Country Store catalog. JE could stink up a men’s room more than the piss in the urinals missing the porcelain.
I guess I am old. I wear Old Spice. “Get some” SON
mr. reeve, you’re so old you probably remember when it was called ‘new’ spice!
…son
And remember, it’s your soap, and it’s your dick. Wash it as fast as you want.
thank god i’m odor-free most of the time.
Thanks for the input. So, what do I do? Strap two bars of soap to my knees and volunteer for the Rotary Club’s annual “Get on your knees” good guy fund drive and hope some hot single mom notices me? Christ, I live in the fucking San Gabriel valley!
As Steve L. so eloquently put it, I am indeed odor-free most of the time. Except just now. Sorry, son.
The reason I am not entirely odor-free:
today I had a Signature AXE moment on the Gold Line subway. Los Angeles County has subways, believe it or not.
There was this HUGE dude talking about how he was getting recruited for college football. He was really big, so I figgered he wasn’t totally full of shit.
This HUGE Dude whips out a can of AXE spray and crap dusts himself and everyone within a million feet of him with the horid stench of AXE body spray!
I turned away from him plugging my nose, meeting the keen glances of pretty much everyone in front of me. Dang, it stank, but dang that guy was a very large potential football player.
I had a quiet chuckle and didn’t get my ass kicked.
But I stink of the AXE, a little, not so much by now.
truthfully a hint of phu-phu can have the desired results…just enough, mind you, for the lady to catch a whiff as you lean in to whisper…that or enough to cover the smell of ass!
I turned away from him plugging my nose, meeting the keen glances of much everyone in front of me. Dang, it stank, but dang that man was a very sizable potential footy player.
I just use Fast Orange with pumice. Why? Because I have a real job and fix my own car/appliances/house unlike all the sissy boys that want to smell like daisy’s and little girls’ bedrooms.
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Once a year or so the wife will complain that she’d like to go out to dinner without me smelling up the place with the stench of transmission fluid and bear scat. In these instances I use the old standby passed down from my father, and his father. And they fought in WARS goddamn it. English Leather. Big wooden knob cap, smells like über-musky baby powder. Basically, it’s man powder. If it adequately concealed the acrid aroma of mud soaked canvas and Jap blood, it’s good enough for me.
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Rub a sprinkle of that in your ass cheeks to prevent the chaffing from all the hairy, sweaty, grunting sex with WOMEN you’ll be having.
I smell of stables and boating accidents.
Half the time I just make my own concoction of half rubbing alcohol, half water. Which, coincidentally, has the same alcohol content as vodka.
No Brut? No Aqua Velva?
Heathen’s.
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