Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Ask DB1: Is Jeff Reed a 'Bag?

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Dear DB1,

Kettlehead Suave

Kettlehead is celebrating the HCwDB of the Week going to Ringworm Sharpie by corralling two brunette hotts and making sure the sheen on his forehead resembles a cock-n-balls.

HCwDB of the Week: The Sharpie Ringworm

A tight, even voting this week, with all three nearly splitting the vote. And by tight I mean bustier. And by splitting, I mean tree rings on the face. Lets turn it over to the voters:

Captain Bringdown: the vote goes to Ringworm, because if the shaven chest, open shirt collar outside the jacket wasn’t bad enough, he committed those sins while looking like a feeding turkey vulture, and STILL pulled a Hott.

Vincent: Sharpie looks a tad more douchier than Tad…and although the ass pears in the butthead photo are nice, I’m going w/ Sharpie dude.

Adolf Skroatler von Baggenstein: Hey Sharpie Ringworm, Target is hiring.

Champagne Douchernova: Or perhaps if you stare at the Ringworm long enough, then look at a blank wall, you see the hidden location of the new Ed Hardy/ArmaniExchange Outlet store.

Cool Hand Douche: sharpie ftw. its not just the face, its the open jacket/no shirt ensemble combined with sultry minxness of tera patrick-like hott, with smaller cans. i love her, and i think he should kill himself.

Winnie the Poon: Sharpie Ringworm FTW. I mean, c’mon. What kind of cockholster does that to his own face or even let’s his friends do it to him?

Douchkovsky: Weather Channel called. They want their isobars back. Sharpie Ringworm makes me want to rub my ass on the carpet. He also reminds me of those illusions that you stare at for a minute and then look away. Sharpie FTW

the motley douche: So that just leaves Ringie and that bull’s eye on his face. It’s like skeeball for fists. And that mandatory follow-up question…how many tickets do for breaking his nose?

Anonymous: Sharpie Ringworm. I feel hypnotized while looking at his face…so it is in a dreamlike-state of zen that I do throw a fist into his face. Plus, you can’t ignore the collar-pop. Or the open shirt. 100% Grade-D Douche material. And Turban Hott trumps Trina or the Butt twins, for sure.

greekbag: The douchetard was clearly born with a target on his face. He was born to get ridiculed because of his suit-jacket-wearing-while-shirtless ways. Ringworm all the way.

Anonymous: Sharpie FTW. Even if he’s at a Halloween party that requires drawing on your face with a Sharpie in order to gain entrance he’s a super douche.

Well said, panel. Even the Halloween nature can’t deny that this combo of hott and dress-up scroad is chest-shaving draculean wrongness. Coming in a solid second, the Douche-Prom coupling of Tad and Trina:

Mr. Belvadouche: Tad’s face clearly states that he truly believes that he is “the man”. For that I sweep kick him and give Trina the ace of spades across her forehead

Doctor Douchenvanjensen: I’d have to go with Tad and Trina. Trina is “one fine piece of ace” and Tad looks like that kid who could turn his eyelids inside out in grade school and thought he was extremely cool because of it.

Amy.mangos: Tad and Trina FTW! She’s clearly the hottest hott, and even if pink satin pimp’bags are a dime a dozen, the spider leg head shave and “I’m totally pimpin'” eyes under “I’m SO the man” brows makes me want to toss him in the dumpster with the rest of the club’s trash. And I’m pretty sure I could take him.

And Butthead also found some buttlove, and I’m sure we’ll be seeing a 2009 Douchie Nominee in the “Ass Pear” category:

Anonymous: I vote for butthead. I just can’t look at that picture without wanting to punch that man in the brain for somehow coaxing two such nicely shaped young women into taking that photo with him.

But the ever present anonymous explains why Sharpie and Middle Eastern Hott take the prize:

Sharpie wins even without the Sharpie.

I like that. It reads like an existential meditation puzzle. Book Sharpie and Turban Hott a ticket to the Monthly. For he is rings of poo, and she is bustier.

Kettlehead Goes Country

He’s a little bit Popped Collar, and he’s a little bit tight t-shirt.

But he’s all ‘bag.

I would circle the Cliffs of Mordor in a two seater twin-engine plane with one engine out and the other one with a post-Shatner gremlin on the wing just for the chance to swan dive into a puddle of water left behind by her pet cat, Smookums.

Meghan’s ‘Bag Tag

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Meghan writes in:

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these guys thought they were the sh@t… then one almost dropped me putting me down! my head came about 2 inches from smacking the ground! then he proceeded to text me all night long
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Although this email is brief, has no introduction nor context, and seems to just stop randomly in mid-sentence, the point Meghan is making is important.

The classic “drop on ground then text all night long” strategy is frequently seen in the stage-1 Fratbag.

You did well to escape from Lurch and The Boobie Pawer, Meghan. Now stop hanging out with your BFF by the power lines.

Meghan's 'Bag Tag

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Meghan writes in:

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these guys thought they were the sh@t… then one almost dropped me putting me down! my head came about 2 inches from smacking the ground! then he proceeded to text me all night long
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Although this email is brief, has no introduction nor context, and seems to just stop randomly in mid-sentence, the point Meghan is making is important.

The classic “drop on ground then text all night long” strategy is frequently seen in the stage-1 Fratbag.

You did well to escape from Lurch and The Boobie Pawer, Meghan. Now stop hanging out with your BFF by the power lines.

get into energy FREE

Text DOUCHEBAG to 867-5309.

Ask DB1: The Douchebaguette

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Greetings, oh-wise DB1

Yours truly;
Egyptian Alter-douche xD
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Many emails ask about the ‘Baguette, aka “The Bleeth,” and because I tend not to focus my pics on them, there is often curiosity if this category has been covered on the site and in the book.

It has.

The Douchebaguette is indeed the great scrotal reaction of our time. Too much exposure to clownish showboating performative douchewanks, and the ‘baguette becomes what she beholds.

But stage 1 and stage 2 Bleeths can still be saved. By which I mean awkwardly humping their pillow while they’re on the phone with their BFF in the other room, then leaving to go get more beer and finding out she won’t buzz you back up so you just standing there on the sidewalk watching her neighbor walk his Rottweiler.

Jus Liv’n Arg

Nothing shows the tough badassedness of a t-shirt slogan quite like missing letters and apostrophe slang.

You bad, Young Wayne Newton.

Now scurry back to the bar while I take Sandra, Clementine and Regina to the far couch to awkardly fondle their upper arm areas. Yes, even pregnant Regina can come. Because I’m generous like that.

Jus Liv'n Arg

Nothing shows the tough badassedness of a t-shirt slogan quite like missing letters and apostrophe slang.

You bad, Young Wayne Newton.

Now scurry back to the bar while I take Sandra, Clementine and Regina to the far couch to awkardly fondle their upper arm areas. Yes, even pregnant Regina can come. Because I’m generous like that.