Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Douching Private Ryan

Can someone explain the shirtless backpack thingy on the ubersquats?

First Crabs McGee. Now Private Ryan here.

Is this a new 2009 douchal innovation? What does it mean?

Ah, screw it. I’m havin’ another bowl of Corn Pops.

Where’s Waldouche?: Who Cares Where Waldouche Is Edition

Somewhere in this pic, I’ve carefully…

Ass Pear.

Where's Waldouche?: Who Cares Where Waldouche Is Edition

Somewhere in this pic, I’ve carefully…

Ass Pear.

Mack the Nozzle Nuzzles

Yesterday’s Mack the Nozzle gets even closer to giving Francine a strange rash on her upper thigh.

It’s enough to make Gandhi punch a cancer patient in the glutes.

Yup, Mack and Francine are making a push for the Weekly.

And your humble narrator is making a push for more HoHos.

The Bada Bing Boobs

Leave the boobs.

Take the cannolis.

HCwDB of the Week: Crabs McGee

Part of me hoped we’d never see this groinshave again. But we are not here to avoid witnessing the hottie/douchey plague, but to confront it. Minnie Von Shtup is delectably hot, and Crabs cannot be denied his greased up Mickey Roarke douchery.

The voters speak:

Douche N Dallas: Crabs McGee gets my vote. His hott is an uberhott as noted but he is pure scrote. The shaved everything and showing his scrotal region. Unacceptable. I’m going to take a shower now after looking at him.

Jane Q. Public: It has to be Crabs and Minnie von Shtup for the weekly–the groin shave and the boobies full body wax boobies and the boobies tilt of the hat boobies clinch this boobies one for me.

Kinderplatz: Definitely Crabs McGee. The picture itself is an atrocity of WTF? It makes me dizzy to look at it. Then I realize it’s because I’m bleeding from my eyes, ears and nose.

“Lesbian Thermos” Ernie Tubesock: Crabs McGee for the W. I bet he’s German. He also has that Cirque de Soleil feel to him; maybe they’re a high wire act?

teh abominable snowdouche: I’m gonna go with Crabs. Because oiled up, ab-revealing, white glove-wearing, hat-tilting punch-face douche deserves punch. In the face. And crabs. I could go on. He also has the hottest hottety hot.

Mr. Biggs: Crabs all the way. This picture is worth a thousand word essay on why the natural state of man is barbarism, war, and darkness.

shawk: Crabs und Minnie. I believe that they are Venezuelan, BTW.

Anonymous: Crabs McGee based on his douchey accessories, and uberhott babe. Remember folks, its HOT chicks with douchebags, not attractive chicks with douchebags.

d’oh!chebag: But Crabs…he’s uber Van Damme douche as db1 stated. Plus that shaved and oiled groin reveal…does it get any douchier than that????? I mean, that move alone is really one of the most powerful solitary finishers in the douche armory/repertoire. Minnie is also classic hott, what with her seductive black stockings and plethora of cleavage.

Franklyn Delano Doucheifielt: I state without equivocation that Minnie torpedoes all competition this week and is worthy of Hall of Hott. Bow ties and stockings take her game to the stratosphere. And by stratosphere, I mean splooge. Crabs goes in the totally opposite direction — nearly all of the accouterments we have come to label, mock and shame. And so in their vivid antithetical juxtaposition we have the essence of HCwDb. Crabs FTW

Rhonda the Boob: Only Crabs’ lady has a nice set of jugs that I can throw my support behind. Her boobs are like two water balloons encased in that putty used to hold fake nails on young ladies’ fingers.

Sergent Scrote Stain: After taking several minutes to gather my courage, I look into a pair of eyes that allow me a glimpse into the most frightening of hells. Forget the abs, chest shavery, hat scrote-wankery, and the Jacksonesque gloves, and peer deep into that veneer of penultimate hollowness. Mr. McGee cares not of his stupendous hott (I would gladly forfeit my constitutional rights to freedom of speech and trial by jury for the chance to snort her discarded toenail clippings), he cares not for learning, or trinkets, or shirts, or breathing. No, he lives to douche, douches to live. He is the love child of Smoot and E-Blow and has come to ascend to his rightful place atop Mount O’Turdus.

Anonymous: Crabs FTW – the hat, the glove, the pose that’s designed to maximize the stench…and his hott is by far the best this week.

The regs bringing the smackdown in a major way in another genius comments thread. Massive props to the voters. Coming in a very respectable second place, the t-shirted Party Fluffkin:

ehcuodouche: I’d have to go with party fluffkin. He apparently lacks the financial means to deck himself out in Ed Hardy, DG and Armani Exchange, but he was able to steal a belt off some wino and fashioned an uberdouche shirt out with nothing more than old Hanes T-shirt and a sharpie.

TurningGargoyle: So hard a choice; Crabs equals all that is wrong with this world, Party Fluffkin is a piece of trash, plain and simple. Crabs only saving grace is that he is probably giving all the chicks he bangs some sort of STD (vaginal warts, syphilis, and/or AIDS) which is proper punishment for the girls who are attracted to such filth. So basically, Crabs is a disciplinarian, which is needed by society. Hence, my pick for douche of the week goes to Party Fluffkin, as he offers nothing to society.

Hot Buttered Poopcorn: With so little in the way of douchecessories, no visible tatts, and no bling, you’d wonder how he even got into the weekly. But that douche face and the crotch-grab seals the deal. The power of scrote is naturally strong in this one. He is a douche by his own standards. His douchosity is recession-proof. It is him, not his props that make him douchey.
Party Fluffer FTW.

The Donger: I would beat down Fluffkin with a baseball bat and a tire iron while wearing my own shirt saying “I like to beat down douches who smirk and grab their nuts while holding henna-wearing, red-bull drinking bleeths”, but that would be too long to write, I think.

Bilbo Douchebaggins: Audrina’s got the henna hand that won’t be grabbin’ Fluffkin’s nads – and with his right hand busy saying hi to the boys and his left hand securely keeping Audrina from bolting – it’s the perfect time to punch him in his thin kissy lips.

I’m glad there was some appreciation, and by appreciation I mean mock, for Party Fluffkin. For he is true real-world HCwDB, even if his hott was not model level. Coming in a distant but solid third, the Wall Street “Brah!” of Blackberry Bob and Abby Hott:

I R A Darth Aggie: Blackberry Bob: you’re in swim trunks and you’re wearing a ridiculous watch and Blackberry? not sterile, not posed and real, but a moron. And Abby’s not a bleeth (yet) and may yet be saved.

DarkSock: Because wearing a data phone on an armband as a brag is like putting a big ass sticker on your car’s back window saying “YEAH BABY IT’S GOT A/C!!!”. And ALSO because Abby Licious could sit on a boat trailer hitch and kegel it into a railroad spike. With handlebar grips on it.

Zeus: Blackberry Bob. Because he’s a Eurobag. Because he’s on a boat. And because he’s just hardcore raging with a calculator strapped to his arm. Sure Pamela’s a bit mannish, but this is the kind of shape you have to be in if you are hoping to climb Mt. Olympus.

Douche Springsteen: Blackberry Bob FTW, for the simple fact that he takes a time out from “partying” to trade stocks with his “smart” phone. I bet he pretends it’s a gun and like blows pretend smoke its barrel then pretends to twirl it around his index finger before he slides it back in that stupid little holster when he makes a sale mid-party. And Abby just encourages it, as long as he is paying for the drinks.

But this was the Crabs week to scrote. As pv1 puts it:

Listen. I’m gonna keep it simple. Crabs McGee’s hott has the best sideboob. I may not want to see that “groinal shave” but i do want to see her sweet sideboob again.

Very true, PV1. And lets let Maxim Kovalenko take us home:

It’s gotta be Crabs. He is the pompitous of douche.

Book Crabs and Minnie a ticket to the monthly. They are the HCwDB of the Week. And rightly so.

Thank Heaven for Little Grillz

PIC DELETED

For what would little ‘bags do without them?

Mack the Nozzle

Because nothing quite expresses the soul of a musician/poet like random chinese letter necktatts, random necktatts involving the word “die,” blue Cirque Du Soleil eyebrow tatts and blue popsicle tongue lick.

Francine thinks he’s “adorable,” and “so funny.” And “deep down he’s really sweet.”

Francine will soon add “itchy” to that list.

Greeced Blightning

Manos writes in with a ‘bag tag from Greece:

—-
Hi DB1,

– Manos
—-

This ‘bag tag is most certainly worthy of HCwDB, Manos, and I’m pleased to see the hottie/douchey mock is spreading to yet another country in our global quest to ridicule ‘bags in all their forms.

Sadly, it also reminds us that Swedish tasties lost on Greek Islands need rescuing from the Scrotal Plague. Preferably by me. Using a garden hose, six gallons of goat milk and a vibrating Furby.

Caption This Pic

Blythe demanded Hank return her cardigan, even if his shirtlessness in the slums of Istanbul meant the rats would come.