Wednesday, December 5, 2012
My Daily Checklist
(x) Wake up to A.M. clock radio playing “Out of Time” by Huey Lewis and the News
(x) Have my Rube Goldberg breakfast maschine make me pancakes and Mr. T cereal
( ) Realize not all cultural references need to involve pop artifacts from the mid 1980s
(x) water the azelia tree growing on the supine lupus in the back yard
(x) feed the hybrid pygmy alpacas being bred on the veranda
(x) Pay special attention to my special alpaca friend. I call her “Susan.”
(x) Ponder a Godless universe by twirling in place and holding my breath
(x) view HCwDB pic submissions
(x) Become annoyed at injustice
(x) Punch a nearby pedestrian ferret in the nadsack
( ) Order lunch from Vitellos
I saw Supine Lupus in ’93 at CBGB’s. They rocked.
(x) Point at Teh Bewbs
(x) See what’s new at “Who’s That Hot Ad Girl” tumblr page
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(x) Poop Patrol for pitbull excrements
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(x) Laugh about Arthur Kade
Today’s Who’s That Hot Ad Girl” is required reading for anyone with a semen filled sack dangling below their dangle
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mmmmm… The Gifter
Why the Hell do they need watches? You need a watch to maintain a schedule. To get to work on time. To be there for someone when they need you to help move furniture, or paint a bedroom. Knowing the time contributes to a well lived life.
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You don’t need a watch to pick up your welfare check; you just check the mail-box every time you run out of Cup-O-Noodles. You don’t need a watch to know when the club opens; you just wait until its dark and your thirst for liquor is running rampant. You don’t need a watch to have sex because anyone can count ten seconds, even middle school drop outs. You might need a watch to buy a tattoo, but only a stolen watch so you can pawn it to pay for the tattoo.
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You know when you’ll see a douchebag look at the satellite dish on his wrist and proclaim, “Drat, sorry chaps but I must be going. The touring display of pre-Scankophile vagina castings is opening tonight at the ‘Met and I simply can’t be late as they’ve asked me to say a few words and pose for some photos.”
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That’s right. Never.
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If you’re really really lucky you might see one look down at his watch with furrowed browl, call his bro over and complain, “I forget, does I get beer when the little hand is on the loopy number or on the one number what makes the sex joke when you put it with the other number?”
Why does her left hip bone appear to be flat and the size of a dinner plate?
(x) get really drunk for the next 6 hours, then get stoned, then write my submission for the Douchies so DB1 don’t go all Twinkie withdrawal on my tight white buttocks fo schizzle id I’s late.
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That girl looks like a retard. The chick on the left too.
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Live from the Ed Sullivan show by way of the Kroegerian
Astral Projector please welcome, in brand new black and white technology developed at Kroeger Labs in Rochester, New York, from the 60’s, the one and only Gary Puckett and The Union Gap:
(applause)
Darnell Blackman in the background laughs uncontrollably at what those silly white kids are wearing these days.
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comment numbers seem to be really low as of late. what gives ? just sayin.
( x ) act like a pimp,even though you’re not one.
( x ) over shave your stomach hair trail into a tiny line.
( x ) wear a stupid hat with the bill popped up.
( x ) the beginning of a beer belly with a hairless little boy chest. Obviously shaved.
( x ) get an armful of tattoos that don’t make any sense at all. A jumble of shit, I say.
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Need I go on?
Mi Ling have unusually elongated torso. Long tummy look funny. Especially with those short stubbly legs. Gary should give up on the tats. They don’t make him look any less of a moron than he already is.
( X ) House the homeless under the solar-powered carports these clowns wear on their faces.