Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

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Who knows what douchebaggery lurks in the grease stains of Albanian refugees hitting on Jennifer Garner cocktail waitresses?

The ‘Stachebagger knows.

Velvet Flog: 'Bag / Nottabag

Now hear me out before you jump to conclusions.

Sure Velvet Flog is busting the velvet pants. And green sunglasses at night. And pink “winged angel” shirt.

And sure he’s headlocking an absolutely gorgeous munchable Popsicle honeyhott with the aggression of sexual sublimation.

But…

Oh who are we kidding.

Douche.

EDIT: Changed “Fog” to “Flog,” not to be confused with The Velvet Smog.

Velvet Flog: ‘Bag / Nottabag

Now hear me out before you jump to conclusions.

Sure Velvet Flog is busting the velvet pants. And green sunglasses at night. And pink “winged angel” shirt.

And sure he’s headlocking an absolutely gorgeous munchable Popsicle honeyhott with the aggression of sexual sublimation.

But…

Oh who are we kidding.

Douche.

EDIT: Changed “Fog” to “Flog,” not to be confused with The Velvet Smog.

Poocrime

My question is this: At what point will giant douche watches, leather wristbands and garish arm-tatts all merge in some dystopic Philip K. Dick future shock to form some futuristic embedded “watchtatt”?

Think about it.

Every time a Long Island Giggle Hott is being mugged in a club, the Watchtatt could monitor the situation through a series of beeps.

Like thoughtcrime.

I will call it “Poocrime.”

Simon's Ibiza 'Bag Tag

—-
DB1-

good game
– Simon
—-

I try to stay away from nudity on the site for the same reason I stay away from swearing — because HCwDB is meant to teach all ages about the foulness of scrote. And I’m fighting a (losing) battle to stay out of work filters that block sites like mine.

But this tag is so creepily European in its Euroscrote, and the hotts are so delectable, that I had to run Simon’s tag. And yes, this means user submitted nudity on HCwDB.

Gatorheads have been photoshopped in by me to bloc the nips on the mainpage, but if you click on the pic, you can see the original in all it’s nudie/scrotey Euro glory.

Simon’s Ibiza ‘Bag Tag

—-
DB1-

good game
– Simon
—-

I try to stay away from nudity on the site for the same reason I stay away from swearing — because HCwDB is meant to teach all ages about the foulness of scrote. And I’m fighting a (losing) battle to stay out of work filters that block sites like mine.

But this tag is so creepily European in its Euroscrote, and the hotts are so delectable, that I had to run Simon’s tag. And yes, this means user submitted nudity on HCwDB.

Gatorheads have been photoshopped in by me to bloc the nips on the mainpage, but if you click on the pic, you can see the original in all it’s nudie/scrotey Euro glory.

Homeless Phil Collins has Six-Pack Abs

Beat that, Homeless Peter Gabriel.

And you too, Homeless Mike Rutherford.

Yup, Phil Collins jokes. Must be a Monday.

Lake Dickheadus

For many decades, the locals who live around Lake Dickheadus have had to put up with strangers and tourists harrassing them about the strangely named lake’s origins.

Like their more famous neighbors at Lake Titicaca and Lake Shittypoopoo, the name attracts much unwanted attention to this small, sleepy rural town.

“Do you realize your lake is named Lake Dickhead? That’s hilarious!”, the tourists are often overheard commenting to the locals. And the locals respond, Yes, we know. It is actually named after an ancient Indian tribe, The Dickheadoquoi.

But that doesn’t stop the tourists from snickering.

Webster Voted

All right, I’ll grant Webster a nottadouche.

Simply for being nice enough to suffer from a genetic disorder just so he could remain so adorably cherubic.

HCwDB of the Week

While it’s hard to fire up a Weekly as potent as last week’s scrotal/boobal smackdown, this Week’s sampling of choad platter represents just fine. Like a tasty, tangy cheese platter. With gouda.

Here be your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Alice in Scroterland

While there’s a bit of a “dressup” vibe to this pic, especially in terms of Alice’s look, this posse of krunkstain is undeniably and authentically dog poop.

That’s right. Dog poop.

The smelly New York un-picked-up kind.

Tatts of chinese letters and guns. Mandanas and “Westside” hand gestures.

And with Ray Liotta ‘Bag in the middle actually bringing a dancing cane (?) to the procedings. You know. To bring a touch of class.

Alice is sweet, innocent, and lost. Even if she spends her days doing blow at the Chateau Marmont hoping Tim Burton’ll cast her as “Dancing Tree Creature #3” in his upcoming film, Every Children’s Book Written Between 1845 and 1962.

Yeah, I’m taking shots at Tim Burton. But only because I care. Mocking Michael Bay’s racist robots just doesn’t offer the same aesthetic je ne sais quois.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Schmuckhead

Yeah, maybe Smuckhead isn’t the most creative ‘tagging, but whaddaya want. I was hopped up on painkillers last week like a pre-morphinated Michael Jackson.

And besides. With a triumverate of Latina Hottness rubbing up on a Club Choad this rank, I could name this pic “Mother Theresa Feeds a Baby Seal” and it would still rankle.

Schmuckhead brings the forehead grease, as well as increased Claudina Ass Pear, in pic #2

And, as the comments thread notes, those are Ed Hardy-esque dresses on the hotts. The Bleething process is rapidly advanced.

And can only be saved by our collective mock.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Bleach Baller

This pic was crowded out of the field last week, but it’s deservingly toxic wrongness has remained with me like undigested lo mein from a crappy Chinese restaurant.

Therefore it deserves its shot.

The double hott factor is off the chart — two Long Island Kimmy Hotts, potentially Semitic librarian types to powder my bottom and send me to bed without supper.

As Massengill expertly tagged in the comments threads, Boy Wonderbread (pic #2) is indeed The Yak and Mindy from March of ’08. And since Mindy was already up for a 2008 Douchie Award, and they lost the Weekly (to Tighty Armani), they’re disqualified from recompeting.

HCwDB of the Week finalists are for virgins only. And by virgins, I mean taint.

Purple Nurple was also a tough near-miss. But these are the hard decisions I has to makes.

So them’s your three.

Which pic offers just the right toxic mix of sexy curveyness and scrotal taint to deserve elevation to HCwDB of the Week?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.