Thursday, March 11, 2010
Captain Emo
Proving that 2010 continues to be “The Year of the Hipsterbag,” Captain Emo brings San Franciscan David Eggers reading Valencia Street huevos rancheros irony eating taint and day-glo forarm bands (a key givaway of hipster-to-Jerz connection) to his hott fondling of Poor Maggie May.
Tings ain’t de same since ye came ‘ver frum Ireland, ayre they, Maggie May?
Okay, fine. Maggie May’s from Yonkers. And her grandparents emigrated from Slovakia. But I just wanted to see if I could do an Irish accent in type. And I couldn’t. So I drink.
such a catchy song
Dude sure knows how to rock the Masonic symbol
His dance glow sticks match his neckerchiff and wristbands.
Cpt. Emo knows what I’ve always known:
Hang out by the cigarette machine, if you want to pick up the trash chicks.
(and after all, who doesn’t?)
*Click*
Hmmm…lead singer for the band The Douchetones.
*Click*
This format works, but now I’m having to sign in every time I post.
Ah. Arrrgghhh! AHHHHHHHHRRRAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!! I want to break off a chunk of his hair and stab him with it.
Crazy bigger font, yo…I liked the previous smaller one. But I digress…
Captain Emo caught Maggie on the way to buying his favorite cigarettes, Vagina Slim 100’s.
The last two photos show a troubling trend of adouchetriment matching with wristbands. I guess the douches needed an indicator to let them know when to stop during their fisting games or they might have proceeded all the way up to the elbow before they realized there was a problem.
a polka dot wristdanna? that’s new.
ear wax? on his head? But, why?
Emodouche? In MY bar?
Two?
Two?
Two bottles of Natty Light, she’s going to Vag-Blam!© up his ass for making her get a photo with him?
…
or, Eleven?
I’m just posting a comment to see what my avatar looks like in this format.
For I am a vain mutherfucka.
Oh, the poor dear. She has no idea what scrotal taint she has just become infected with. Gross. This guy looks like Marilyn Manson hatefucked a muppet.
@ Bagnonymous 12:05
Ahem, it’s “Vagina SLIMES”, get it right 😉 I never lived down showing up at the bar, smoking Vagina Slimes 120s. But holy shit, a 120! More bang for your buck! *cough cough*
Boss,
Larger gravatars, smaller font.
Captain Emo just looks like a whiny, priss. Like when Maggie asks him to dance he rolls his eyes, clenches his fist and turns away, jerking free when she grabs his arm. When she presses him he lashes out with insults and personal attacks because he’s not emotionally mature enough to admit he can’t dance, and too emo to consider learning a few steps for her benefit. She finds herself constantly apologizing for things he makes her think she’s done wrong, when all along is just him being a little bitch.
Maggie, he’s not a bad boy, he’s just a boy. Guys who stand in front of the club speakers and work their yo-yo’s or juggling sticks aren’t cool. Come out to the Scrotato Head compound where I will use my rectum to clean the black polish from your nails before filling your girlish dimples with warm butter and chives. We’ll stake Captain Emo to the hillside where the deer can finish the job they started licking off the top of his skull.
BTW, Senor Douchie–I’m going to kill you for linking that video. However, I’m tired and slaphappy enough that I sat here and watched the whole thing for the first time ever. I’m just too weak to fight today….
Ohhhhh, my bad, dude. I was aiming for her face. Sorry.
Nah, this font size is great. I can read it on my iPhone without resizing anything.
And that shit’s the future.
Oh, wake up Maggie
I think I’ve got someplace to pee in you
If by “the future” you mean “having to inform your neighbors about your convictions and not living withing 1000 feet of a school,” then yeah, I see that.
@medusa
whatever affliction it is he’s transmitting, it looks likes its started in on her fingernails.
I second the first sentence in Mr. Scrotato Head’s 12:23 pm comment. Or would that be the second sentence? Oh, hell, it’s the one with four words, a comma, and a period.
Anybody wanna guess the over-under on whether Captain Emo’s sporting a prince albert? Anyone? Anyone..?
Awesome. I’m changing my gravatar.
another vote for smaller font
Font Change Request –
Hey, DB1 –
Glad to see the Site Changes going along smoothly, but I would like to ask for a FONT re-adjust –
The FONT on this post “Proving that 2010 continues to be “The Year of the Hipsterbag,” Captain Emo brings…”
Is too crowded…
Thanks, Your Devoted Disciple-ouche
D’oh! Guess I should have read the others comments before flogging this issue to scrote
Lacquer is the fastest-drying of the finishes for wooden furniture. It is more durable than shellac — although it is very thin — and must be applied in many thin coats. It is available in high-gloss, satin, and matte finishes, in clear form and in several clear stain colors.
^ Lacquer? Hell, I hardly knew her!
* rimshot *
I tell ya… Take my wife, please…
Hey DB1, with all the struggles this week, any chance of getting a hump day ass pear to help us all carry on?
Oh Shit, it’s Thursday. This week is worse than I thought. Bartender, Jameson’s please. Leave the bottle.
Lacquer joke = Classically bad, I love it.
Please avoid huffing laquer if you are pregnant or nursing.
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Thank You
testing…sorry…
It should be “Corporal Punishment” rather than “Captain Emo.” I didn’t think it would be possible for anyone to ever out-do Dave Navarro in terms of that weird messy-precise line between rockerbag and gaybag that he walks. But there it is, folks.
And yet there is still a part of me that thinks that homeboy just lost a bet and is going to go back to normal tomorrow after his friends have taken a whole bunch of pictures of him dressed up like that in public.
@medusa, that is how it starts, i ended up knowing all the words to “bye, bye, bye” years ago, when i was too tired to get off the bar stool and sledgehammer the speakers and the juke box at my neighborhood bar when my “after work” ran into college kid “happy hour”
i can’t say i am better for it, but some would say everyone who lives long enough, learns patience, i say, no, they just end up being too tired to give a shit like they used to.
Those added stripes in his “hair” make him look like the treatments at the Hair Club for Men aren’t going well. Worst. Looking. Comb-Over. Ever. The more I look at him the greater the urge I have to rip out that fuccen thing in his nose…through his forehead. Goddamn I’m fuccen angry today.
Some douches raise your ire and make you want to punch them right in the face even moreso than others. This is one such ‘bag.
Worst
Comb-over
Ever.
Lance Parkertip, Noted Notary Public by day, lead singer of the tribute band Cockk of Seagulls, is about to add “Lifetime Valtrex User” to his resume.
That is not a hipster. It’s an aging scenester. Yes, there’s a difference. These clowns only exist in L.A. This guy couldn’t walk down Castro in SF without getting beat up.
if you can’t do an Irish accent, you can always drink.
no truer words have been spoken.
testicle
i want to throw his scalding hot soy chai latte on his face and ram an order of deep fried buffalo sauced tofu up his @$$
I don’t always look my best and to be honest, I’m not working with all that much to start with but JESUSFUCKINCHRISTONAPOGOSTICK, who the fuck would put in the effort required to walk out the door like that, much less take one last look in the mirror before leaving and say to himself,”Alright, that looks good.”
Emo, its like goth for pussies.
Totally right Technodouche. This guy ain’t no tight-t and grandma-glasses wearing hipster, or even an aging emo scene-shit for that matter. This is a classic example of pathetic, crust headed dirt-metal shit rock dinosaur, pining for the days of Myspace, Mudvayne and two pound labret piercings. Dollars to donuts his band plays Godsmack and Nine Inch Nails covers. Boo-Urns! to any woman who doesn’t laugh in this washed-up clown’s face; as she clearly has as much taste as a bag of Sarasota sand.
This scenester has been spending way too much time in the ladies’ hair salon. Not even a UNISEX salon would do the hair and smokin’ eyes on a guy like this.
EMO Scenester is wearin’ the
a) St Patrick’s Day Green
b) ecologically correct green
c) Tru-Green lawn chemicals green
d) Soylent Green