Thursday, March 11, 2010

Captain Emo

Proving that 2010 continues to be “The Year of the Hipsterbag,” Captain Emo brings San Franciscan David Eggers reading Valencia Street huevos rancheros irony eating taint and day-glo forarm bands (a key givaway of hipster-to-Jerz connection) to his hott fondling of Poor Maggie May.

Tings ain’t de same since ye came ‘ver frum Ireland, ayre they, Maggie May?

Okay, fine. Maggie May’s from Yonkers. And her grandparents emigrated from Slovakia. But I just wanted to see if I could do an Irish accent in type. And I couldn’t. So I drink.

# posted by douchebag1
11:41 am March, 11 senior douchie said...

such a catchy song

11:42 am March, 11 Chixdiggit said...

Dude sure knows how to rock the Masonic symbol

11:44 am March, 11 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

His dance glow sticks match his neckerchiff and wristbands.

11:55 am March, 11 scrotum pole said...

Cpt. Emo knows what I’ve always known:

Hang out by the cigarette machine, if you want to pick up the trash chicks.

(and after all, who doesn’t?)

11:55 am March, 11 E-blo's Last Thought said...

*Click*

Hmmm…lead singer for the band The Douchetones.

*Click*

11:58 am March, 11 scrotum pole said...

This format works, but now I’m having to sign in every time I post.

12:03 pm March, 11 Kevin said...

Ah. Arrrgghhh! AHHHHHHHHRRRAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!! I want to break off a chunk of his hair and stab him with it.

12:05 pm March, 11 Bagnonymous said...

Crazy bigger font, yo…I liked the previous smaller one. But I digress…

Captain Emo caught Maggie on the way to buying his favorite cigarettes, Vagina Slim 100’s.

12:07 pm March, 11 Fat, Drunk, and Douchey said...

The last two photos show a troubling trend of adouchetriment matching with wristbands. I guess the douches needed an indicator to let them know when to stop during their fisting games or they might have proceeded all the way up to the elbow before they realized there was a problem.

12:09 pm March, 11 baglanta said...

a polka dot wristdanna? that’s new.

12:10 pm March, 11 JoeDO said...

ear wax? on his head? But, why?

12:12 pm March, 11 ehcuodouche said...

Emodouche? In MY bar?

12:16 pm March, 11 Al Anon said...

Two?

Two?

Two bottles of Natty Light, she’s going to Vag-Blam!© up his ass for making her get a photo with him?

or, Eleven?

12:22 pm March, 11 Crucial Head said...

I’m just posting a comment to see what my avatar looks like in this format.

For I am a vain mutherfucka.

12:22 pm March, 11 Medusa Oblongata said...

Oh, the poor dear. She has no idea what scrotal taint she has just become infected with. Gross. This guy looks like Marilyn Manson hatefucked a muppet.

@ Bagnonymous 12:05

Ahem, it’s “Vagina SLIMES”, get it right 😉 I never lived down showing up at the bar, smoking Vagina Slimes 120s. But holy shit, a 120! More bang for your buck! *cough cough*

12:23 pm March, 11 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Boss,

Larger gravatars, smaller font.

Captain Emo just looks like a whiny, priss. Like when Maggie asks him to dance he rolls his eyes, clenches his fist and turns away, jerking free when she grabs his arm. When she presses him he lashes out with insults and personal attacks because he’s not emotionally mature enough to admit he can’t dance, and too emo to consider learning a few steps for her benefit. She finds herself constantly apologizing for things he makes her think she’s done wrong, when all along is just him being a little bitch.

Maggie, he’s not a bad boy, he’s just a boy. Guys who stand in front of the club speakers and work their yo-yo’s or juggling sticks aren’t cool. Come out to the Scrotato Head compound where I will use my rectum to clean the black polish from your nails before filling your girlish dimples with warm butter and chives. We’ll stake Captain Emo to the hillside where the deer can finish the job they started licking off the top of his skull.

12:24 pm March, 11 Medusa Oblongata said...

BTW, Senor Douchie–I’m going to kill you for linking that video. However, I’m tired and slaphappy enough that I sat here and watched the whole thing for the first time ever. I’m just too weak to fight today….

12:24 pm March, 11 Captain Bringdown said...

Ohhhhh, my bad, dude. I was aiming for her face. Sorry.

12:29 pm March, 11 massengill said...

Nah, this font size is great. I can read it on my iPhone without resizing anything.

12:30 pm March, 11 massengill said...

And that shit’s the future.

12:36 pm March, 11 Herr Weiss said...

Oh, wake up Maggie

I think I’ve got someplace to pee in you

12:37 pm March, 11 Captain Bringdown said...

If by “the future” you mean “having to inform your neighbors about your convictions and not living withing 1000 feet of a school,” then yeah, I see that.

12:43 pm March, 11 boone doggle said...

@medusa

whatever affliction it is he’s transmitting, it looks likes its started in on her fingernails.

12:43 pm March, 11 Bagnonymous said...

I second the first sentence in Mr. Scrotato Head’s 12:23 pm comment. Or would that be the second sentence? Oh, hell, it’s the one with four words, a comma, and a period.

Anybody wanna guess the over-under on whether Captain Emo’s sporting a prince albert? Anyone? Anyone..?

12:47 pm March, 11 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Awesome. I’m changing my gravatar.

1:02 pm March, 11 jonezy said...

another vote for smaller font

1:04 pm March, 11 Manimal said...

Font Change Request –

Hey, DB1 –

Glad to see the Site Changes going along smoothly, but I would like to ask for a FONT re-adjust –

The FONT on this post “Proving that 2010 continues to be “The Year of the Hipsterbag,” Captain Emo brings…”

Is too crowded…

Thanks, Your Devoted Disciple-ouche

1:05 pm March, 11 Manimal said...

D’oh! Guess I should have read the others comments before flogging this issue to scrote

1:11 pm March, 11 End the Haberdouchery said...

Lacquer is the fastest-drying of the finishes for wooden furniture. It is more durable than shellac — although it is very thin — and must be applied in many thin coats. It is available in high-gloss, satin, and matte finishes, in clear form and in several clear stain colors.

1:52 pm March, 11 Bagnonymous said...

^ Lacquer? Hell, I hardly knew her!

* rimshot *

I tell ya… Take my wife, please…

2:02 pm March, 11 Fat, Drunk, and Douchey said...

Hey DB1, with all the struggles this week, any chance of getting a hump day ass pear to help us all carry on?

2:03 pm March, 11 Fat, Drunk, and Douchey said...

Oh Shit, it’s Thursday. This week is worse than I thought. Bartender, Jameson’s please. Leave the bottle.

2:10 pm March, 11 End the Haberdouchery said...

Lacquer joke = Classically bad, I love it.

2:42 pm March, 11 scrotum pole said...

Please avoid huffing laquer if you are pregnant or nursing.

Thank You

2:58 pm March, 11 colossus of choads said...

testing…sorry…

3:05 pm March, 11 Publius Choadius Naso said...

It should be “Corporal Punishment” rather than “Captain Emo.” I didn’t think it would be possible for anyone to ever out-do Dave Navarro in terms of that weird messy-precise line between rockerbag and gaybag that he walks. But there it is, folks.

And yet there is still a part of me that thinks that homeboy just lost a bet and is going to go back to normal tomorrow after his friends have taken a whole bunch of pictures of him dressed up like that in public.

3:09 pm March, 11 Euripidouche said...

@medusa, that is how it starts, i ended up knowing all the words to “bye, bye, bye” years ago, when i was too tired to get off the bar stool and sledgehammer the speakers and the juke box at my neighborhood bar when my “after work” ran into college kid “happy hour”

i can’t say i am better for it, but some would say everyone who lives long enough, learns patience, i say, no, they just end up being too tired to give a shit like they used to.

3:13 pm March, 11 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Those added stripes in his “hair” make him look like the treatments at the Hair Club for Men aren’t going well. Worst. Looking. Comb-Over. Ever. The more I look at him the greater the urge I have to rip out that fuccen thing in his nose…through his forehead. Goddamn I’m fuccen angry today.

3:36 pm March, 11 Deltus said...

Some douches raise your ire and make you want to punch them right in the face even moreso than others. This is one such ‘bag.

4:41 pm March, 11 Fatness said...

Worst

Comb-over

Ever.

7:12 pm March, 11 DarkSock said...

Lance Parkertip, Noted Notary Public by day, lead singer of the tribute band Cockk of Seagulls, is about to add “Lifetime Valtrex User” to his resume.

11:46 pm March, 11 Technodouche said...

That is not a hipster. It’s an aging scenester. Yes, there’s a difference. These clowns only exist in L.A. This guy couldn’t walk down Castro in SF without getting beat up.

12:16 am March, 12 Steve L. said...

if you can’t do an Irish accent, you can always drink.

no truer words have been spoken.

6:22 am March, 12 scrotum pole said...

testicle

7:20 am March, 12 my friends call me @$$hole said...

i want to throw his scalding hot soy chai latte on his face and ram an order of deep fried buffalo sauced tofu up his @$$

8:57 am March, 12 FLSTC01 said...

I don’t always look my best and to be honest, I’m not working with all that much to start with but JESUSFUCKINCHRISTONAPOGOSTICK, who the fuck would put in the effort required to walk out the door like that, much less take one last look in the mirror before leaving and say to himself,”Alright, that looks good.”

9:29 am March, 12 DeadEnd said...

Emo, its like goth for pussies.

12:30 pm March, 12 Kevin said...

Totally right Technodouche. This guy ain’t no tight-t and grandma-glasses wearing hipster, or even an aging emo scene-shit for that matter. This is a classic example of pathetic, crust headed dirt-metal shit rock dinosaur, pining for the days of Myspace, Mudvayne and two pound labret piercings. Dollars to donuts his band plays Godsmack and Nine Inch Nails covers. Boo-Urns! to any woman who doesn’t laugh in this washed-up clown’s face; as she clearly has as much taste as a bag of Sarasota sand.

5:59 pm March, 12 Whoop-di-douche said...

This scenester has been spending way too much time in the ladies’ hair salon. Not even a UNISEX salon would do the hair and smokin’ eyes on a guy like this.

6:10 pm March, 12 Whoop-di-douche said...

EMO Scenester is wearin’ the

a) St Patrick’s Day Green

b) ecologically correct green

c) Tru-Green lawn chemicals green

d) Soylent Green

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