HCwDB of the Week
Booya. Bring it. You know what to do.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Jungle McDonald and the Britney Sisters
Not since the human race’s ancient tribal practice of selling young fertile females into slavehood has so befuddled a clown come into accidental contact with two prime hottness of viable wombs and sucklable legs.
Jungle McDonald brings Conan O’Brianesque Late Night Oldbaggery to the mix. Haven’t seen that in awhile.
With shaved chest except for crotch pube ant trail, it’s all sorts of small town creepyness.
And the Britney Sisters. Laura and Michelle Britney. So sweet. So perky. So desiring lecherous fondles during “Eat Pray Love.” Which you saw with them. Because you thought you had a chance. But you don’t.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie
Tendon Ted is one of those rare ‘bags whose annoyance factor is almost entirely abstract.
Sure, his sleve tatts are douchey and his face a douche-face. But hand gestures, bling and other adoucherements are lacking.
Yet something about his stoic aura and eye scalding bulging ab-veins suggest a primal societal violation that deserves a superior level of mock as a response.
Ass Pear Annie is all that is positively raunchy about Vegas, and as such, she is to be applauded for display.
Together, they form Vegas Crud. Pure exhibition without joy. Sexual display without any eroticism. Just naked flesh. As such, they are to be mocked and derided for spectacle gone wrong.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Brad Pudt and Eliza
Brad Pudt deserves consideration in the Weekly for bringing a rarely seen douchetribute: The Southern ‘Bag.
All sorts of hickdouche wrongness. Like a Skynyrd techno remix, it blends the worst of garish American culture in one fu-manchu of disgrace.
Or, in the immortal words of Peter Gibbon’s next door neighbor, Lawrence, two chicks at the same time, man. Hey Peter, turn on channel nine!
Eliza received crap for her bushy eyebrows in the comments thread, and I agree they’re a problem. Nonetheless, while poor grooming is a negative, if that stopped the human reproductive drive, we’d be fossils of the Paleolithic Era. Buy her some tweezers and she’s a legit hottie.
I eliminated The Sneery Bros for Bleethy hott, Hipsterwank Henry for just being depressing, The Hippiebag for being kinda fun, albeit with gorgeous brunette, Battle Beyond the Tards, who should get their own 2010 Douchie Award, and Vest Guy Eats a Bagel Bit, who probably should’ve been included over Brad Pudt. And Helmut Von Baggus was just too damn weird.
So them’s your three.
Which coupling deserves to be called HCwDB of the Week and get a slot at the next Monthly? I need your help.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Before Crocodile Dundee, Paul Hogan was a 70’s douche, and here is a picture of him.
Tendon Ted needs to eat something besides skinless chicken breast and protein powder. Fucker probably has his own liposuction machine.
But Brad Pudt gets the nod, for the rosary-as-jewelery douche-pas, the flash wall tattoos, effing retarded rapist-‘stache and the ultimate, no-way-he-ain’t-a-douche accessory, the multi-finger ring. Eliza isn’t the hottest hott, but chicks in acid washed denim remind me of high school, and making out in the back seat of my mom’s car with Warrant on the car stereo.
“I need your help.”
Yes, yes you do. This is a formidable trio of crap, a triumvirate of fecal matter rarely beheld anywhere in the world. I feel I should bow down, or throw up – really haven’t got that all sorted out yet.
Eliza is the hottest hott, I have repeated fantasies about the Britney sisters, and that’s all to the good. Jungle McDonald has no excuse for that getup, or for his manifest stupidity, but hey, he’s got the Britneys and that’s a win. Brad Pudt, unlike his jungle brother above, is totally comprehensible. The fact that he’s got Eliza draped over his heavily tattooed and infected arm is an affront to kittens and decent society, but maybe she just hates her dad that much. I’ve learned during my time on this planet not to judge.
Then…oh God, then…we have “Ass Pear Annie”, who is revolting, but not one tenth as revolting as “Tendon Ted”, who seems to have tree roots growing beneath the skin of his abdomen. Perhaps he needs surgery, perhaps he is a new species of carnivorous plant that grows human-shaped fruits in order to lure in prey. I’m not a damned botanist, so I can’t say for sure, but I’ll say this much – plant or human, if I see something like Tendon Ted, I’m getting a can of gasoline and matches and burning it to ash, and then calling the CDC.
Annie and Ted for the win (loss).
Have to go with Brad Pudt this week. Even though Eliza ain’t that hott, I imagine them switching the 70s porn stache and the eyebrows and maybe they would be a better matched couple.
Plus, anyone that would spoil Orange Crush with Goose (assumed), deserves to be called out as HCWDB of the week.
Tendon Ted, the tattooed Terminator douche for the win.
God, what a creepy bastard.
My vote gors to Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie. Has anyone noticed that he is missing some fingers?
My vote goes for Tendon Ted, if there was a vote for “most likely to commit suicide” he would most definitely get my vote for that too.
He gets my vote because he looks like a dick, both literally and figuratively. You know, because he’s all veiny, ahh forget it!
Tendon Ted is angry. Tendon Ted is the only man living in the modern world with a metabolism measured by light speed. Tendon Ted for the thin.
I gotta hand it to Tendon Ted and AssPear Annie. The douche’s got some restraint: He hasn’t tatted his torso, cuz the muscles and Tendons are the stars there, especially those gross varicose groin veins. He is content just to wreck his arms with ink, and then pout when posing with a standard bikini-clad AssPear with thigh muscles as suspect as his lower abs.
Their award is a topographic map of the western United States.
Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie FTW. Roids, sick workouts at the gym, zero personality and bangin pool sluts is how TT the Robochoad does it all summer long in Vegas. Ass Pear Annie is the pool slut TT so desires. She has been passed around the Vegas pool choads like a joint at a Grateful Dead concert. Stick it out Annie. That’s about all your good for.
My vote goes to Jungle Mcdonald, because seeing him at 10 o clock in the morning, made my eyes melt down and my sperm commit suicide by jumping off my d–k screaming : Life is not worth living hen youu see this !
Tendon Ted FTW. Beacuse his permanent scowl is a direct result of his asymetric abs. And yet somehow, he pulls in a pear like Annie? Yes, that is douche power on display. And by display I mean veins.
p.s. Annie for hall of pear?
Wow great choices. Gorgeous girls in all of them, so that’s definitely no deciding factor this week. And all three douches are powerfully putrid in their own right. All of them are deserving of the title, and any of them could have dominated in the last few weeklies.
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By going into a state of Zen and looking at the three choices, Brad Pudt angers me the most, and it is him who has pulled me out of said state. His douche aura is strong and so I vote accordingly.
Tendon Ted and Annie. Her knees are bent and she’s bent over because otherwise she’d be a half inch taller than Ted. She is as slutty as he in douchetastic. This pairing could rival the Metaphysical Hooligan, if Annie had a rack like Carly’s.
Brad Pudt.
The
Cellphone
Holster
Millenium Bag makes the Hall and Helmut can’t even get a shot at the Weekly because he’s too weird? Wowzies.
Let’s throw in (or up) for Tendon Ted. It’s like he’s turning inside out before our eyes. I’d like to think that twenty minutes after this picture, he completed his metamorphosis resulting in his entire pulmonary system sloughing off on to the floor in a gelatinous mess and making Mola Ram insanely jealous at the same time. Or maybe I just need to get more sleep.
Ass Pear Annie is just enough to qualify this picture AND provide a case study for living with Hepatitis D.
Jungle McDonald is your buddy in college whose proudest accomplishment was banging a freshman ten years in a row. He gets my vote, hands down.
I’m voting Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie, even though I am still not sure that Ted isn’t really a potted plant growing next to the pool. Annie is a purebread skank but that ass is first-class.
Jungle looks like the 8th eagle circa 1981
not really douchie enough
Brad and eliza, he’s a douche canister for sure but shes not that hott, looks like Jessica Albas twin but Jessica got the good looks gene and the smarts gene too, not sure whats left for the poor girl.
Ted!!..holy mother of Slime.
hes the opening circus side show freak act for a snake oil salesman
Ted by a mile for the win and i mean mile as in dragged behind a team of clydesdales through death valley in july
Tough call but I vote for for Brad Pudt and Eliza.
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Because Diedrich Bader wants his ‘stache back. And because, of all the hotts, Eliza is the one I’d have the best shot at. And by shot, I mean soiling her unibrow.
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BP and E FTW
Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie FTW. I love ass and Annie’s got it. I hate blank robotic roid heads and Ted’s got it.
I don’t know, but I’ve been told: a Big legged Woman ain’t got no soul. (Also, a green grasshopper got a red asshole, but that is not germaine to this particular discussion. Yet.).
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So, while I fondly look back to the many riffs we had at the expense of Jungle “PullTail” MacDonald (aka Mr. Redford, Mr. Winwood, Mr. O’Brien, etc et all) I must deny the Britney Sisters, who evince emerging sofa DNA with their burgeoning trunk-like gams.
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Brad Pudt? Pffft. I’d buy him a PBR. And he’d take it, begrudgingly, wondering if I was some sorta faygit.
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But Tendon Ted…..Tendon Ted has found the way to reverse O.G.D.T.S.B.S. (Old Guy Dangling Tube-Sock Balls Syndrome): grow a nut harness out of your groinular vascular network so that your crotch looks like a cypress stump shrink-wrapped in HeadStart macrame projects. It’s the next phase of GSR: it’s GAH! (Groin Aneurysm Hoedown). He is so tensed his poops are wire-shaped. He is so tensed he has to fart through his skin pores. His butt plug is a mechanical pencil refill lead. His urethra is an outy; when he gets an erection it looks like a pink meat bouquet from STD Florists.
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Even though I think he should be disqualified for being an Ed Harris look-alike gay porn star (Ed Hairless, star of “Enema At The Gaytes”, “The Cockk” and “The Ape-Piss”), I cast my vote, Simian-Overhand-Poo-Fling style, to Tendon Ted and his callipygian concubine.
Tendon Ted FTW. The doucheyness is so strong in him that it is literally exploding out of his body.
Jungle McDonald and the Britney’s in a walk.
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Brad Pudt and Eliza are eliminated because his douche factor, though certainly roundhouse kick to the face worthy, isn’t up to Jungle standards. Eliza, even with some proper (and needed) treatment on them eyebrows, doesn’t match the crotch-tentingness of the Britney’s.
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Tendon Ted, although the douche quotient is good, just more creeps me out with the crotch-ivy growing just undernearth the epidermis. Ass Pear Annie is sure good bootay, but too bleeth for his touching her to matter. She’s already gone.
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Jungle McDonald has the overdeveloped pecs, the garish animal print shirt, the open-shirt-ness, the inappropriate Jesus bling, and the oldbag grossitude that make me unsure if I want to snicker, vomit, or both simultaneously. And vomit-snickering is NOT something you want to mess with. The Britney’s bring the overall first class hottitude, the boobal suckability, the leg humpability, and the fresh, beautiful, cornfed faces that bukkake videos were invented for. It angers me no end that Conan McGeezer might have actually had the chance to test out that bukkake theory on one or both these blonde goddess hotts.
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Jungle McDonald and the Britney’s FTW.
It’s going to be Jungle McDonald FTW(L) because he’s the creepiest and definitely most awkward candidate. Also, the Britney sisters are sweet and giggly. And apparently a little smarter than the rest seeing as they are clearly avoiding the ‘oldbag… Good going, ladies!
Brad Pudt
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He just looks like he knows all too much about grand theft auto (the felony not the game) and selling used cars without titles. Eliza thinks his truck is “hot”.
Vein tendon Ted and Henrietta hairweave get the nod.
I was so close to giving it to Jungle. Then, I took a second look. While the Britney Sisters are showing us the sun and the moon in their smiles, Jungle has just come to a realization. Two seconds ago he was smiling at the camera with them, perhaps making a gang sign or pointing at something he thought was super-cool. Then, perhaps he saw his reflection, or the flash of the camera brought about a moment of clarity. It hit him. What is he doing? Look at him! He goes out in public like that? Without comment, he returns to his home, shaves his head, burns his clothes, writes a letter of apology to his parents, assuring them it is not their fault, and cries in the shower until dawn. As the sun rises on a new day, he is refreshed, reborn, renewed. A born-again-nottadouche.
Brad Pudt is an interesting newcomer, but the fact that Eliza may be Jessica Alba’s younger brother kills it for me.
When Ted and Annie remove their glasses, you stare into empty pits of blackness. Soulless vortexes from which you can hear the chanting of a thousand douchebags lost to the world.
“Two things we will make you; smooth between the legs, smooth between the ears, and what we take form you we will feed to the kings of this earth.”
Fortunately, at that moment King Mob bursts onto the scene and ends their torment.
Welcome to the jungle. We’ve got double hotts. He’s got all the douche you want. There I voted in the weekly.
Definitely Tendon Ted/Ass Pear Annie
I’m just jealous of his lopsided 5-pack. Plus, I have very small arm veins and would love to tell the Red Cross nurse: “other nurses usually have trouble with my arms, but I have great veins in my scrotum”.
And Annie just has that girl-next-door, take home to meet your mother innocence.
@ Anon 9:40
LOL
“Jessica Alba’s younger brother kills it for me.”
Better then my Alba reference
Tendon Ted for the win (loss)! He of the scary nipples, excellent use of anabolic agents, perfect handling of accessories and tattoos, and top-notch Vegas-style pear bleeth make him an undeniable winner (loser). Steve Winwood douche and Brad Pudt are just pretenders to the throne, douches, but not weekly winner (loser) material.
I’m going with Jungle McDonald. The Britney sisters are the only hotts that are really working for me, although maybe it’s because I’m grumpy on my first post-vacation day.
Jungle McDonald for his combination of circus attire and derp face.
I’m going with Jungle McDonald. The Britney sisters are the only hotts that are really working for me, although maybe it’s because I’m grumpy and it’s Monday and I had only three hours of sleep last night.
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Kitchen remodeling sookles wilderbeast taint cockk and balls shit fuccen bukkaki adhesive donkey jizz porch beef loafs.
Jungle McDonald doesn’t bother me as much as the others, and I think Anon 9:40 a.m. and I have the same idea about him. Sure he’s walking around not fully dressed, but the look on his face says, “Holy shit, I’m how old and still acting like this? My dad, the Leatherbag, is really pretty pathetic, and I don’t want to end up like him…..even though we pull in quality hotts. I want to actually settle down someday.” So there’s hope for him, given a lack of obnoxious tatts, facial piercings, etc.
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Brad Pudtwank deserves a quality shot to the face, and by shot, I mean anvil. The his-and-hers mutli-finger rings are a unique touch in douchebaggery, but I’d like to see Eliza tweeze her eyebrows a tad. Great body (the 2nd pic hints at a fine ass), but I don’t find her terribly cute – not ugly by any means, but sort of average-looking. And Pudtster? Drinking foo-foo drinks? In the South? In another week, that kind of PBS-watching pretentiousness would win him a Weekly. But…..
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I’m going with Tendon Ted, the Prep H Peckerhead and Ass Pear Annie FTW. Ted doesn’t seem to understand that when one receives surgical enhancements, there should be some symmetry involved – not just with the nipples there, broheim. Your abs have shifted! What the hell is that? Platehead tectonics? The rivers of vein and Prep H overload have created permanent erosional scars on your torso and our mind’s eyes. Then again, maybe Annie’s blind and his torso serves as Braille – all she reads is “douche.”
Wedgie is suffering from tendonitis lately, so I must cast a sympathy vote for Ted. Dude, mix in a cheeseburger once in a while.
multi-finger rings*
Tendon Ted FTW…nuff said
Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie FTW.
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He’s gross. She’s gross. I feel a little slimey from comparing all three of these photos. I’m going to WalMart to see some normal people. If that doesn’t work I’ll go to the generic salted snacks aisle at Big Lots
Jungle looks like he played too much football without a helmet. It’s wrong to make fun of those with…such challenges. And the Sisters Brittany aren’t quite hot enough.
Tendon Ted brings us the Pear, but also GSR, hideous tatts, and a steroid enhanced ab. No wonder he wears such a stern visage, given that his nuts are the size of peanuts. I shouldn’t say that too loudly, or he may beat my ass.
So…Brad Pudt FTW. And by win, I mean win. He makes me want to cut some puppy’s nuts off.
Brad Pudt. He’s more of a real world douche than the other two, and it makes that much angrier.
TT and APAnnie ftw, because they are all that is holy and sacred about the pay to pose mudflaps that populate the Vegas pool party/dayclubs throughout the summer….and by “sacred and holy” I mean they are the flotsam and jetsam of pool party poo…
My vote goes to Brad Pudt and Eliza because you know, just like her man’s mustache, Eliza’s eyebrows droop down each side of her face. Unfortunately, they’ll come within a hair’s width of winning, but lose by a whisker. It will be a close shave, a razor thin difference if you will, but unfortunately Brad will have toupee the piper, and join the ranks of weekly wannabes. Mullet over all you want, this hirsute coupling may have the balls to be champions; they just aren’t smooth enough.
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But I’m voting for the chimps anyhow.
Tendon Ted FTW. This bag is more pussbag than douchbag. This is a true repository for very foul material.
Tendon Ted and Annie. Minus points for the bleeth factor, but Ted is so vile that his blood vessels are actively trying escape from his body.
Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie — their names roll off the tongue like – AARRRRRRRGH!
*spits up some coffee* – they get my vote
After suffering a summer of hott-less pics, this last week was a welcome breath of fresh air. Then again, it also means the douches are winning, and this will not do.
This week’s winner boils down to which girl needs to be saved the most. Ass Pear Annie is a fine specimen, but she clearly enjoys hanging around choads. The Britney Sisters are the hotts I’d like to save the most this week, but there’s no way they’re taking that guy seriously. Come on, look at that shirt. He’s like a Eutobag version of Brad from “Bachelor Party.”
This brings us to Brad Pudt and Eliza (excellent name choice, DB1, as her likeness to Ms. Dushku is uncanny). She is lovely, and he needs to have that stupid-ass mustache removed with a belt sander. I volunteer for the job. Pudt and Eliza FTW.
Jungle McDonald and the Britney Sisters
Jungle is only a pair of crappy sunglasses and a tribal tat away from full on uberdouche.
Britney Sisters – step away from the GSR
TT
Quite a selection of douche this week. Jungle McDonald reminds me of the Australian actor Bryan Brown. Although the way the barely legal Britney Sisters are keeping their distance indicates their lack of faith in Jungle Macca’s knowledge of vaginas, something the now oldbag Brown is quite well known for – or so I’m told by certain old dame groupies… So not Jungle McDonald. I can’t say exactly why, aside from stating my opinions are filtered through local standards, but Brad Pudt and Eliza appear more hayseed than douche. That’s not to say they’re any less douche, but compared to Tendon Ted and Annie, they’re simply not in the running. Tendon Ted probably cooks in a rooming house all week and practices his deadpan stares on the vulnerable residents. They’re all frightened of him because he has a bench press set up in that vacant room next to the laundry and sometimes leaves the door open when his pumping iron.
Tendon Ted and Annie FTW.
‘when he’s pumping iron’
(I’m not really a grammar/punctuation wanker either).
HCwDB Jeopardy! style:
A: Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie
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Q: Which Power Pud duo should take home the weekly?
Pudt, Jus’ don’ like em.
tendon ted is gross and depressing and jungle mcdonald is just a joke. the aura of douche is strong with all 3 but i gotta give my vote to brad pudtz and eliza. he is pooeyness maximus
Jungle McDonald and Ms and Ms. Britney, as I only noticed Jungle McDonald and his quadruple chins just this moment.
On the flip-side I sympathise with ol’ Jungle; I’d need to hold my cock down in the presence of the Britneys.
Let’s see where to begin? I’m gonna start with Tendon Ted & Ass Pear Annie. Me thinks he’s some eastern euro MMA fighter in town for a bout thus explaining his freakish physique & stoic demeanor. AP Annie seems like some MMA groupie who spotted him poolside and just had to get a picture with him. If I spotted this debacle live in the wild I would more then likely just shrug my shoulders, think to myself nice ass but what idiots, and on keep on walking. Nothing special about these 2.
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Brad Pudt & Eliza are an interesting coupling. He brings a lot to the proverbial table and is worthy and Eliza regardless of her eyebrows is sneaky hott. The fact that they have matching bike chain finger adornments makes me think they are an item and if so good for them.
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My vote for the win/loss goes to Jungle Jim McDonald & The Britneys. Jungle is a dim witted, stuck in a time warp, arena rocking old bag. Arena rock played an important role in his outfit as Dark Sock touched on earlier albeit briefly. I can only imagine him staring in to the dressing room mirror smuggly pointing his finger at himself as he tried that shirt, singing off key “Hey, man, that shirt is you! You’ll get some leg tonight for sure!”. The worst part is Fungle McD took it WAY over the line when he decided he would it would be cool to pair it with skin tight, ball hugging jeans and gaudy belt buckle in a feeble emulation fail of 70’s era Robert Plant*. The Britney’s are local Athen’s OH wholesome, fun loving, enthusiastic, giggle Hott OU coeds who probably have no idea who Robert Plant is and just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time wondering who the hell is this guy and why are we posing in a picture with him?
*http://pipnotes.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83452508e69e20120a55e7334970c-pi
PS, How do I post hyperlinks & or pics?
TIA
Et Tu
@tall guy….i got the Bryan Brown hit as well…rumor has it he gave the herp to Rachel Ward. Criminal!
Tendon Ted’s “Penance Stare” sears my soul with the same Hellfire gaze of vengeance known only to the Ghost Rider. All for mugging his Thightastic Ass Pear Annie… Eternally damned into submission, I offer him to the sacrificial alter of the Weekly! Tendon Ted FTW!!!
Tendon Ted,because I have to shower after I look at it,again.
Tendon Ted. Because of his Gator-like belief in the whole thing.
I’ll go with Tendon Ted. He reminds me a lot of Gator since they possess the same lack of qualities in a human being.
@ETD:
links like so:
Put the following between left pointing (SHIFT-COMMA) and right pointing (SHIFT-PERIOD) angle brackets, aka less than / greater than signs:
a href=”foo”
then type the word to act as link
POO
then again, inside te angle brackets:
/a
So, if I use braces instead, and I wanted to make a link to this website, it would look like this:
{a href=”http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com”}HCwDB{/a}
I will now take what I just did and sub out the braces for angle brackets, and you will see it makes a link.
HCwDB
I hope that helps.
posting pics is the province of the mods on this site. It is not an ability open to the common folk.
Vest Guy wuz robbed.
Given the drivel that was left, however, the Britney sisters get the nod. And they can do a little bobbin’ as well.
Not even close – Tendon Ted by a landslide. Whatadouche!
The Pudt. Because out of all of them, he makes me wanna do this the most. Plus I gotta be honest, I dig Eliza. Her brows are Marilyn Monroe style cuteness, and I want her to be my everything…
Tendon Ted FTW. I can smell the Preparation H from here.
@Troy
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Thanks!!!, What is the difference between a brace & bracket?
Tendon Ted’s stomach looks like a dozen night-crawlers jammed into a condom.
He has also managed what was once thought impossible. His IQ and body fat percentage are both in the single digits.
This guy is a real piece of crap, and If I ever bump into this wretched, lowlife douchebag on the streets I’d tell him………………………..”Um, excuse me sir.”
Tendon Ted and Brad Pudt have only one schtick: tendons in Ted’s case, and douchescaping in Brad’s case. but Jungle McDonald does not depend on one schtick. he knows a few lame jokes too. TAKE THAT, BITCH.
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and what more can i add to the Britney sisters? i wish welding sparks are as hot as them.
Let’s see if this works
Robert Plant
@ Troy
Disregard my last question
Jungle McDonald, for perfectly pulling off that morning zoo crew look. The Britney sisters quickly realize that knowing the phrase that pays was not a benefit.
“OK. We’ve posed for the picture for the Power105 Wall of Weiners. What else do we need to do for those Black Eyed Peas tickets?”
Certainly a tough decision as all are bringing their D-game. (haha … that’s a funny. Not) But I have to go by what a bodybuilder told me about muscle maturity, and apply it to douchebags. See, a seasoned bodybuilder’s muscles look different from a novices because they’ve matured and are used to the workload. And we apply that, literally and metphorically, to Tendon Ted to put him head and shoulders above the others.
The other two are douchey, yes, but only a clothes change, hair trim and fake-tan wear off away from normalcy. Not so with Tendon Ted. That kind of build takes years of dedication to the douchebag lifestyle.
TT and AP ANNIE
When I was a wee gorgon, my older sister, the immortal Noomsie Oblongata, got worms. She had picked up a bottlecap at the park and had it in her mouth all day. She often did stuff like this, I never knew why. Anyway, on doctor’s orders, she had to take a shit on newspaper so my mom could bring it to his office and he could check it out. I never saw it, but, for the rest of my life I’ve imagined a big, lumpy turd, shot through with long, slimy, dead worms. When I saw this pic of Tendon Ted, my jaw dropped; the vision of my twisted imagination had come to life, bought sunglasses and gotten tattooed. Tendon Ted FTW and my insurance company FTL, ’cause I’m gonna have to get back into therapy and talk about this.
Jungle McDonald and the Britney’s FTW. The Britney’s make me want to bring more lube. McDonald makes me want to bring more ammo.
Oh Brad Pudt, let me count the ways I mock you
A holstered blackberry in the front and a holstered vodka bottle in the back… because real men drink vokda, orange drink and pop rocks, yo. Your linen shirt is unbuttoned, showing your chest hair? Nay… it’s your douche-tatt. You’re wearing a rosary. I’ll pause while everyone makes their redneck southern baptist jokes.
Coifed, spiked hair. Check. Sleeve tatt. Check. Stare of doom. Check. 80s stache, which would be hilarious if your face didn’t taunt me to throw BP slippery ducks at you.
The Britneys are the hottest hotts of the week, and Jungle’s shirt will be used in the future to dissolve glaucoma.
Jungle McDonald and the Britney’s FTW.
I’m going with Jungle McDonald and The Britney Sisters. Tendon Ted is a douche clone sent from the future to spread his taint upon our culture for the impending douche takeover but got distracted by Ass Pear Annie. I would have been, too. And Brad Pudt & Eliza, well they’re basically the personification of Jack & Diane from the Mellencamp song. If Jack & Diane had three finger rings and overpriced drinks at shitty clubs instead of chili dogs at the Taystee Freeze. Fine, let them do their thing. Jungle McDonald however, takes all that is fun about Matthew McConaughey and ruins it with his 50-year-old-guy-at-the-club-with-a-boatload-of-blow-to-try-and-score-with-the-woo-hotts vibe. Run, Britney Sisters. Run to my house where I won’t try to ply you with cocaine, but rather anoint your shoulders with myrhh before commencing to gnaw and hoping you don’t notice the 3 buck chuck stains on my rug in spite of the dim lighting and Barry White mood music.
Late to the party, but I’m voting for Brad Pudt and Eliza. It’s the “Eastbound and Down” look and the goofy-ass ring that seals the deal.
Jungle McDonald
Brad Pudt and Eliza for going against the grain and achieving excellence in douche status without having to flash an ab. muscle.
well fellow hunters, this week features some rare specimens. However i believethe winner is clear. For Jungle McDonald Is a spectacualre douche something is missing. I cannot quite put my finger on it. I have a tough time believing he has the ability to pull that caliber of hot. Tendon Ted. He has a bleethed out hott and what i believe to be psycosis brought on by steroid abuse. Yet another reason not to do drugs kids. Leaving us with Brad Pudt. The bottom rung because nothng says cool like a cell phone holster and a ring that covers 3 fingers. So i mark an X on the ballot next to Pudt.
Brad Pudt, solely for that mustache he’s “rocking”.
Late to the sharty here but my vote’s for Tendon Ted. He brings the classic scent of Drakkar and Astroglide and for that he’s a veiny ballsack of discharge.
BP, FTW.
DB1, I am an avid reader of your site and a great admirer of the civil service you execute, on a daily basis, selflessly, and while requiring little more than cheap booze and hohos as fuel.
I must take issue, though, with yours and some of the commenters perspectives, and must seek clarification if I am to continue “fighting the good fight.”
I am very much interested in and concerned with the origin of the ‘bag within and the selective pressures that have created fertile ground for the evolution and massive spread of the douche virus. You are at your best in your treatises regarding these issues, and more.
We all are interested in how the douche virus is expressed. I have no qualms with HCwDB focusing solely on non-verbal expression of douche virus (i.e. Ed Hardy and Chin Pubes). We are culture that values that which is visual. Of course, then, we use visual cues (Unearned Tatts and Jesus Bling) to generate our mocking.
It is important, though, DB1, for us to understand that the Douche Virus can also express itself non-verbally, or as is evidenced in this thread and “select” (not all) threads before it, through the written word.
I take absolutely no issue with commenters throwing a bleeth or a baguette into the woodchipper and using her as chum for shark fishing when she comes out the other side. I do take issue when commenters start nit-picking at females for issues like eyebrows, toes or foreheads.
Eliza is take-home-to-mom knee-gnaw hottie-suckle who I would worship as the goddess of my hearth and home. Other than that stupid fucking ring (which is probably an inside joke between her and Pudt) she has no bleeth signifiers that I can tell. And while Pudt is wooing her with empty promises (she will, as you and I know, be living in a trailer park on the outskirts of Dallas, three slabs down from Pudt’s sister and Pudt’s sister will be her only friend. Pudt will work in town as a tire salesman… and another goddess is lost) we are nitpicking at her eyebrows. Does “take a tweezer to those eyebrows” not sound like something Pudt would say to her to simultaneously lower her self esteem while boosting his ego-driven power over her?
I thought we were supposed to be showing the good women that there are alternatives to the substanceless options that douchebags have offered worthy women in this country for the past 60 or 80 years.
While I agree that we must mock the non-verbal expressions of the douche virus, we must be careful and aware of the manifestation of the douche virus and its verbal expressions.
Some who appear to be douche may not have douche intention. Some, though, who have no outward expression of douche virus, have douche intention at their cores.
I want to make it clear that this message should not be construed as combative, but constructive, in tone.
BP, FTW.
DB1, I am an avid reader of your site and a great admirer of the civil service you execute, on a daily basis, selflessly, and while requiring little more than cheap booze and hohos as fuel.
I must take issue, though, with yours and some of the commenters perspectives, and must seek clarification if I am to continue “fighting the good fight.”
I am very much interested in and concerned with the origin of the ‘bag within and the selective pressures that have created fertile ground for the evolution and massive spread of the douche virus. You are at your best in your treatises regarding these issues, and more.
We all are interested in how the douche virus is expressed. I have no qualms with HCwDB focusing solely on non-verbal expression of douche virus (i.e. Ed Hardy and Chin Pubes). We are culture that values that which is visual. Of course, then, we use visual cues (Unearned Tatts and Jesus Bling) to generate our mocking.
It is important, though, DB1, for us to understand that the Douche Virus can also express itself non-verbally, or as is evidenced in this thread and “select” (not all) threads before it, through the written word.
I take absolutely no issue with commenters throwing a bleeth or a baguette into the woodchipper and using her as chum for shark fishing when she comes out the other side. I do take issue when commenters start nit-picking at females for issues like eyebrows, toes or foreheads.
Eliza is take-home-to-mom knee-gnaw hottie-suckle who I would worship as the goddess of my hearth and home. Other than that stupid fucking ring (which is probably an inside joke between her and Pudt) she has no bleeth signifiers that I can tell. And while Pudt is wooing her with empty promises (she will, as you and I know, be living in a trailer park on the outskirts of Dallas, three slabs down from Pudt’s sister and Pudt’s sister will be her only friend. Pudt will work in town as a tire salesman… and another goddess is lost) we are nitpicking at her eyebrows. Does “take a tweezer to those eyebrows” not sound like something Pudt would say to her to simultaneously lower her self esteem while boosting his ego-driven power over her?
I thought we were supposed to be showing the good women that there are alternatives to the substanceless options that douchebags have offered worthy women in this country for the past 60 or 80 years.
While I agree that we must mock the non-verbal expressions of the douche virus, we must be careful and aware of the manifestation of the douche virus and its verbal expressions.
Some who appear to be douche may not have douche intention. Some, though, who have no outward expression of douche virus, have douche intention at their cores.
I want to make it clear that this message should not be construed as combative, but constructive, in tone.
I’ve reconsidered, but not with my vote. Brad Pudt is most definitely more douche than hayseed.
Brad Pudt, only so he’ll have a chance of winning something at least once in his life…
Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie FTW because Annie is showing some nice arse and legs and because Ted is really dead. Like Weekend at Bernie’s dead.
Tendon Ted and that sweet ass of Ass Pear Annie FTW.
Tendon Ted.
Bradley.
Ass Pear Annie FTW please. Ted can go eat a dickk and toss my salad.
Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie FTW! Why? He. Carries. His. Taint. Around. In. His. Pocket. And it’s ALWAYS happy to see you. Yikes!
Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie. The urge to be tough and stoic as if though that will be some sort of hole through which we can peer and discover just how ‘deep’ this wanker is supposedly —This exemplifies the absolute vacuity of the douche taint. In the most ironic way, they would like to suggest they are multi-dimensional by well appearing…one dimensional. Using their bulging muscles and veins from all the roids and Gary Coleman sponsored and overpriced ‘supplements,’ they attempt to make the correlation between garish physical appearance and general appeal of character. Tendon Ted looks like a rejected version of the main character from the God of War series. He probably thinks that all that sweaty grunting from the gym and posing in front of the mirror in the change room will transform him into some sort of mysterious brooding individual. As my Descartes once noted, “The desire for the multi-dimensional based on vectors of choad can only result in result in a higher order space of poo.”
Ass Pear Annie has excellent curvature, so this is an unholy union of the highest order. Case closed.
Takedown nightmare Tendon Ted’s banyan tree-like stomach veins are what this site is all about…..but there is a whiff of Slavic MMA about him so his glaring mode might be pre-programmed.
Jungle McDonald just seems befuddled and lost , like Hot Tub Time Machine in reverse.
Bad Pudt definitely likes to pick fights in car parks and he’s really ticking a lot of boxes for me.
But Tendon Teds pool balls in a pantyhose fizz really is unbeatable this week.
It has to be Tendon Ted for the pure freak factor. You. Don’t. Look. Good.
Douche!
Choices slim, I’ve got to go with Owen Wilson’s long-lost father in #1 and the girls he reveals this secret to in order to pick them up.