Monday, January 24, 2005

Dispatches from the world of D. Wallnuts – Joe D’s Schvantz

!Joe Ds schwantz

bat’s a swingin’


Legendary BagMeister Douchey Wallnuts reminisces on ol’ Joltin’ Joe for us:

“Joe DiMaggio’s Schvantz.”

How’s that for a sayin’? But that’s what the crew used to say when something weird or unexpected would happen. Why’s that you say? Well lemme tell ya.

Back sometimes in the late 50’s we got to be friendly, through Hef, with LeRoy Neiman – that artist who painted those pictures that up close all look like splotches of color thrown together but look like what they are supposed to look like when you stand back a bit – Na mean?

He painted all kinds a things, but loved broads and athletes the most. LeRoy had a collection a all kinds of photos ‘a athletes, and tole us he wanted to show us some a them, and one a these pictures was a picture of DiMaggio in the shower with one a his Yankee teammates, effin’ naked, cockk and all, and his Gabiles, too. Gabiles, I says.

Needless to say we was all like, “What the fvck is that all about!” We ain’t never seen a picture like that, not never, and the last thing we expected to see that day was a picture of Joltin’ Joe’s Joint. Joltin’Joe’s Joint, I says.

So from that day on, anytime we was surprised by somethin’ or saw somethin’ fvcked up, one ‘a the guys would say, “Joe D’s schvantz!

# posted by admin
1:16 am May, 12 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Ahhhh. Wallnuts’ story. Almost seems like old times. Almost
.
So is the boss back on this site or what ? It was like a little teaser, then nothing. Not to be an like an unappreciated bastard or what, but let go. Pear ?

1:50 am May, 12 DarkSock said...

Schvantz, he says.
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Actually, Magnum, the “admin” was me, which was the work-around so’s I could get back to posting. But Boss monitors the site regularly to make sure I uphold the high standards of this legacy site, and don’t post nipples, labia or terms such as “FuckHole”, “Cunt-Flogger” or “Fetal-Stomp” on the front page. Which, to be fair, I am wont to do. Then Net-Nanny would prevent scores of regs from seeing the site at their places of employment/state correctional facilities and then they’d be forced to actually work from 9 to 5. And shit.
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Son.
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But Boss got rid of the simple math questions, clearing the way for architects and Canadians to continue posting unimpeded.
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Son.

4:14 am May, 12 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Joe DiMaggio’s Schvantz was so big it had a titanium elbow.

4:17 am May, 12 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Joe DiMaggio’s Schvantz was so big it batted .390 in Joe’s absence during the war.

4:18 am May, 12 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Joe DiMaggio’s Schvantz was so big his pubic hairs wore cleats.

4:20 am May, 12 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Joe DiMaggio’s Schvantz was so big his perineum was on his neck.

5:10 am May, 12 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Joe DiMaggio’s Schvantz was so big that A(x) = \frac{1}{\hbar} \sum_{k=0}^\infty \hbar^k A_k(x).

11:40 am May, 12 dickie fingers said...

I ran into Joe D and the Mick in AC one night many moons ago. Nice guys.

12:41 pm May, 12 DarkSock said...

Joe DiMaggio’s Schvantz was so big it was deemed non-regulation as a bat.

12:41 pm May, 12 DarkSock said...

Joe DiMaggio’s Schvantz was so big it had it’s own line of coffemakers, called Mr. Piss.

12:42 pm May, 12 DarkSock said...

Joe DiMaggio’s Schvantz was so big bears surfed on it.

12:42 pm May, 12 DarkSock said...

Joe DiMaggio’s Schvantz was so big it wore its own pants.
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Dungarees.

1:54 pm May, 12 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Joe D’s schvantz was so big it was constantly mistaken for Canada.

1:57 pm May, 12 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Joe D’s schvantz was so big it carried on a relationship with Marilyn Monroe for years without Joe knowing about it.

1:58 pm May, 12 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Joe D’s schvantz was so big it had its own Bat Boy.

2:04 pm May, 12 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Joe D’s schvantz was so big it had its own budget for Pine Tar.

2:04 pm May, 12 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Joe D’s schvantz was so big it had its own table at Toots Schor’s.

2:05 pm May, 12 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Joe D’s schvantz was so big Phil Rizutto had to stand on Moose Skowron’s shoulders to look it in the eye.

2:58 pm May, 12 hermit said...

Joe D’s schvantz was so big it actually killed Marilyn, not the CIA.

2:59 pm May, 12 hermit said...

@Charles, I signed in to the main page and was rewarded with a slightly gayer avatar.

4:43 pm May, 12 Vin Douchal said...

Did not need to see Joe D’s uncircumcised sauseeej. I won’t be able to order ANYTHING from the menu at Guido’s Pizza for awhile

5:33 pm May, 12 dickie fingers said...

Joe D’s schvantz was so big it bought it’s own drapes.

5:37 pm May, 12 dickie fingers said...

That is not the avatar of a successful venture capitalist.

7:08 pm May, 12 hermit said...

Marilyn Monroe had a tiny set of vestigial testicles which swung lazily from her oft-bloodied hyena lips.

7:46 pm May, 12 jonezy said...

I was hoping there was a particular sexual maneuvering he was known for that the fellas all called the 56, an early precursor to the 69.

7:47 pm May, 12 jonezy said...

baseballs wasn’t the only hit streak he had going, ya dig?

7:48 pm May, 12 jonezy said...

good to hear this venue will be back on a semi-daily basis. I’ve actually been working for pete’s sake. Pete Rose that is.

8:33 pm May, 12 DarkSock said...

Damn, hermit and Dickie…those avatars are retarded. I’m not sure why some folke’s like mine are OK. RevChad figured out how to fix his but then probably forgot. I think you have to go to your Gravatar account and mess with it some. And if you had a custom avatar with a picture of your choosing then you had a gravatar account – you just might not remember setting it up a few years back.
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One of the regs posted a thorough walk-thru of how to get your Gravatar up and pointed to HCwDB but all them olde forum posts is gone.
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Son.
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Try this. Son.
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http://en.support.wordpress.com/avatars/gravatars/
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Or this. Sonn.
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https://en.gravatar.com/
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Or this. Sonnn.
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http://codex.wordpress.org/How_to_Use_Gravatars_in_WordPress
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.
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Son.

9:06 pm May, 12 creature said...

joe d’s schvantz was so big it was christened the uss dimaggio

9:07 pm May, 12 creature said...

joe d’s schvantz was so big it ate ebbets field

9:07 pm May, 12 creature said...

joe d’s schvantz was so big they would fell sequoias to pine tar it

9:08 pm May, 12 creature said...

… by ‘pine tar it’ I mean insert in plinky’s mom’s sausage grinder

9:11 pm May, 12 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

That ain’t no cock. This chick has a bigger cock than that, Blechh! SON.
.

9:27 pm May, 12 Vin Douchal said...

The Chairman steps out of a ‘copter , not a drop of Jack spilled

10:07 pm May, 12 hermit said...

How’s this?

10:08 pm May, 12 hermit said...

Fuckin’ cunt-flogger

11:15 pm May, 12 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Hermit
.
I think if you follow the Sock’s links, that’s how I did it. If not maybe you should check your carbon monoxide detector’s batteries.
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SHIT-CUNT-FUCKERS

11:34 pm May, 12 hermit said...

carbon dioxide detectors are fine. I’ve been to the gravatar site several times. It showed my old homeless dude avatar, came back and posted…nuthin’.
I even opened up a whole new email and wordpress account….still nuthin’.
.
FUCKHOLE FETAL-STOMP

11:35 pm May, 12 hermit said...

Ah, here we are. Thanks again FredN!

12:45 am May, 13 hermit said...

Leading up to the time Marilyn was eventually executed by the CIA, she was surreptitiously fed excessive amounts of corn gluten, making her prone to unrestrained drooling and bouts of depression. A dispirited and tormented Marilyn spent many nights lying on her back, naked and vulnerable, her milky white thighs, generous and supple, contrasting starkly against the dark shag carpet. Just out of her reach, a sticky pile of Moon Pie wrappers lay on the floor while her joyful wisps of golden pubic hair swayed gently in the breeze belying her anguished expression. With hot tears streaming down her cheeks, Marilyn would lie on her back with a twelve pack of malt liquor on her belly, viciously striking it with a porcelain ash tray like a hungry sea otter.

1:13 am May, 13 DoucheyWallnuts said...

The corn gluten gave Marilyn the farts. RFK and JFK used to give Monroe the Double Sugar Daddy Fudge Tunnel treatment.

1:37 am May, 13 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^right on brother Hermit.
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“Viciously striking it with a porcelain ash tray like a hungry sea ottter.” he says.
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Stooooned. Son.

1:41 am May, 13 DarkSock said...

Dammit…I mean, new post. Sons.
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/01/natasha-and-viktor-are-disappointed/

2:39 pm May, 13 creature said...

when joe d’s schvantz was engorged it would bellow in a heavy basso. “now batting #5….”

8:26 pm May, 13 Wheezer said...

Joe D’s schvantz was so big, he once whiffed on a Bob Feller fastball and knocked down Ebbets Field.
.
During a spring training game.

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