Wednesday, March 2, 2005

A REQUIEM FOR Skinny D’Amato, aSS PUNCH KING OF LATE

Harry Piles lovelight glows

 Legendary Anti-Douche and Resident Historian Douchey Wallnuts recounts in further detail the sad demise of one Skinny D’Amato:
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You know I got to thinking after I gave youse this quickie orbituary about Skinny, that I should write more than what I wrote in the post I posted”

“Skinny D’Amato’s demise is a lesson for all of us. For all of the Ass Punch Fury he doled out, he wound up walking the boardwalk in Atlantic City wearing Velcro sneakers and diapers. Literally.
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When he retired his savings consisted of some Italian railroad bonds, a collection of Jimmy Roselli albums, $1246 and an autographed picture of Dom DiMaggio. He subsisted on hard boiled eggs, sardines and an occasionally taralli.
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Once he lost his faculties and the ability to toilet himself the Paisano Ba Fangoolo Society put him up in the Retired Buttonman Home for the Criminally Incontinent, where he died soon thereafter. Thereafter, I says.”
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I kinda has some second thoughts because what I wrote sounded kinda bad, when in actuality it was really much worser.
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You see the Paisano Ba Fangoolo Society was a low-level guinea support group that had to rely on lesser elements for operational continuity. And when I say “lesser elements for operational continuity,” I mean they hired all kindsa low-life skells to change the diapers and wipe the Gugutz’s of the poor wop bastards who had nobody else to wipe their asses. And shit.
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So what I’m sayin is that Skinny wound up being taken care of by some a the relatives a more than a few a the recipients of his world infamous Ass Punch.
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Once the word got out that Skinny was less than he used ta be things got ugly. There was this guy Frankie Mucus – he was always blowin’ his nose – that Skinny anal-ized for skipping town cuz he owed the Scarfos 10k clams on a bad beat on an Eagles game. Anyways, Skinny had left Frankie in a ditch over by the train yard shittin hemoglobin, but not dead. Who knew?
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Frankie’s mom, Big Annette, always held the vendetta against Skinny to the point where she’d say grace at the family dinner and swear that she’d one day cut Skinny’s balls off.  Tagliare le palle, I says.
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Hey, these Philly wop dames was religious. Whattaya want from me?
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So fast forward 30 fuccen years or so and here we is with Skinny crappin his BVDs and lyin in a bed in a care facility of questionable repute, and sure as the Pope says Hail Marys every fuccen day, one a his nurses is one a Big Annette’s nieces and one a Frankie Mucus’s cousins. Madon!
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This skirt Rosalie winds up on the detail that has to wipe Skinny’s ass and change his pannolino. Oofa. Small world. Am I right when I say that?
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So this scoonitz Rosalie calls up Big Annette and tells her the one and only Skinny D’Amato is lyin in one a her beds in a pile a his own crap waitin for his diaper to be changed. Now this fuccen Annette has the Vendetta Fever like the wops in the old country had when they’d go out and shank some poor bastard because he blew his nose in front a the other wop’s wife without sayin “Mi ‘cusi,” or some fuccen thing.
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Big Annette takes a big butcher’s knife, her rosary beads and the St Christopher’s medal Frankie was wearing when they found him lying in a puddle a his own juices after Skinny punched out her boy’s gizzard and shit, and she high-tailed it down to the Paisano Ba Fangoolo Society’s home so she could exact some old school vendetta on Skinny’s rectum and surrounding areas. Surrounding areas,I says.
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Now just so happens a Scarfo Caporegime from back in the day when Skinny was throwing the South a the Border Haymakers happened to be visiting Skinny on account a Skinny still owed him some Scarole from some bet he made on something-or-other when Skinny was still able to use Brother John with some accuracy. Or whatnot.
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So this mook, Vinny Hubcaps, is goin through Skinny’s wallet and he lifts a couple a Saw Bucks, you see, and then he sits down outta respect and talks to Skinny. And since Skinny don’t know if he’s coming or goin or what fuccen day it is, he’s just smilin’ and babblin like a fuccen dame who just got her keister waxed by some shalabobo. Keister waxed, I says.
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So anyways in walks Big Annette, huntin for bear. Or Skinny, I guess. But she don’t know an don’t see Hubcaps sittin in a chair in the corner a the room, see, an she starts yellin at Skinny that she’s gonna use the butcher knife on his ass as she comes in the room. Now this gives Vinny Hubcaps all the heads up he needed to prepare, so as Big Annette heads at Skinny’s ass with her knife Vinny buries the crucifix that was hangin on the wall into the back a Big Annette’s skull.
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Now that sounds bad but on account a Big Annette wearin one a them Bee Hive hairdos that the old wop dames always wore, the Christ on a Cross don’t do as much damage as Hubcabs had intended, and Annette starts with the butcher knife like she’s Cookie Lavagetto swingin for the fences at Ebbets Field.
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Hubcaps subdued the old guinea broad post haste, but Skinny in his half-a-pazzo state sees the steel and decides he’s gonna cheese it out a there. Problem being he’d crapped hisself and as he stepped out of the bed and started to scoot his foot slipped on the pisciari and merda dripping down his leg, and he goes ass over tits and slams his noggin into the corner a the door to the room.
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He never had a chance as he caved in the top a his melon from the fall and wound up dyin in a puddle a his own Cockey on the floor of a old farts home. So that’s the sad story a Skinny D’Amato’s demise.  Hand to God.

# posted by admin
11:21 am August, 3 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Youse had me at “worser”.

2:14 pm August, 3 Wheezer said...

R.I.P. Skinny. Youse wuz always aright in my book. Shitty way ta go, doh.

3:35 pm August, 3 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Reminds me of the time Angelo Scanga shit his pants passed out in buddies car whist we were watching a Gabriel/B.O.C/ Tubes show in Ottawa. Car was full of puke and squeezy out of the tight guido Jordache jeans pizza shit he had rolled in whist passed out.
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Buddy had to tell his dad some roadkill crawled in. But the whole city heard about Angelo “Poo Poo Pants” Scanga. Don’t fear the crapper! Son.

7:00 pm August, 3 Et Tu Douche? said...

Outstanding!!!! and by outstanding I mean respect to Skinny D.

11:27 pm August, 3 Et Tu Douche? said...

In remembrance of Skinny, I give ye a snippet from my DW Chronicles. I’ve been saving these for the pas couple of years.
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“11:27 am March, 15 Doucheywallnuts said…

These party kid’s today think they know a wild time, well let me tell them something. They don’t know nuttin’! They should have seen the scene in the 60s, especially with all of the sitcom chicks we had running around back then. Let me tell you, the Hollywood chicks had nothing on the new breed of TV skirts that were new to the scene. Madon!
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Joey Bishop, Normy Fell (he of the interesting genitalia) Buddy Lester and a couple of Frank’s goons used to spot a chick at the Paramount commissary, check with one of the security guards to get their name, address and phone number, and then work up some kind of ruse to get them out on a date. A lot of dames didn’t know who some of these guys were – it wasn’t like Frank and the heavy-hitters pulled this scam to meet chicks – but once they found out the connection to the gang, they were in like Flint. One of the goons, Tommy “Scars” Scaglione would focus on the low-level skirts who appeared as extras in all of the shows of the day; the types who would play the sassy teenager type in “The Munsters,” “I Dream of Jeanie,” “Get Smart.” He had a great scam. He would ask the girl if she liked Sammy, Dean, Booby Darin – whoever – and then take them backstage to watch the show. It got him laid everytime. Go figure, a union-connected stagehand meathead got as much top-shelf gash as some of the biggest studs in Hollywood.
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Skinny D’Amato, the guy who punched Wingy Grober in the ass at the Cal Neva, would set his sites higher and had better connections, but didn’t fare so well. He wasn’t the best looking guy and he suffered from Dwarf Cock – Dwarf Cock, I says – which was an impediment to his efforts. With each failure with the ladies, Skinny would get more depressed and angry, which explains why he went around punching guys in the ass.
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Sinatra would see a broad and have his people call her people and make a set-up. Back in the 60s a huge thing was when the broad on “I Dream of Jeanie” showed her belly button on the show because the genie costume was low cut. Imagine that! Today you see cioccies and culatas on the television all the time. Mamma Mia! So Jilly Rizzo calls this Barbara Eden’s agent to arrange for a date. Frank was obsessed with this broad and the stupid show. He’d walk around with a hard-on for days after the show aired, which he watched alone, by the way. When Jilly got the agent on the blower he told him the deal, and the agent said that this Eden skirt was married and he wouldn’t set it up. After Jilly brought Skinny over to the agent’s office, and Skinny administered his now-famous ass punch, the agent decided that the genie broad “would love to meet Mr. Sinatra.”
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Jeanie the Genie was married to this big half a finoc, mama luke – that’s a mouthful, I says – named Ansara, and she was terrified he would find out about their date. Frank told her not to worry, and that he had a good friend named Skinny that punched guys in the ass when they caused trouble. Genie said something about how her husband was a tough guy and liked to slap her around. Frank told her he had another friend named Jilly would would break a guy’s kneecaps, a friend named Crackers who liked to choke guys with their own testicles, and a couple of other friends who had no qualms killing people and then going out for drinks and a show.
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So after boning Genie for a couple of months Frank was a mess. He would have just enough strength to lift his head, look towards me and say, “Ava Gardner, who?” He was exhausted from so much boffing that he had a tough time rehearsing for one of his big shows at the Sands with Basie and the boys. As a matter of fact, the night the famous album at the Sands was recorded I had to drag Frank out of his suite to get him to the show on time because he was in the midst of a 72-hour Genie Snatch Expedition. He had jizz stains all over his tux and we had to bust our coglionis to get him a clean one in time for the start of the show. I poured two pots of coffee down his gullet and had to strap his erection down with a spare cummerbund and a pair of Count Basie’s suspenders. When I started writing this, I had no idea I’d be able to work “cummerbund” into it, I says.
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So he gets through the show and gets right back to nailing Genie like a hyperactive carpenter working in a birdhouse-making factory. I don’t think I know what that means. He’s banging and banging and banging like Gene Krupa on speed. Ya mean? And I says to Frank, “Frank, I says, you gotta slow this shit down. You’ve aged 10 years in 3 months. Lay off the genie snapper!” Just like anything that burns bright, the Frank/Genie thing burned out after a few months and a couple of hundred bang sessions. Whatta a ride.
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Anyways, this TV starlet thing worked out pretty good for me, too. I nailed more than my fair share of these sitcom skirts; the broad from F-Troop, Melody Paterson, believe you me when I tell you she put the “F” in F-Troop; Ellie May and Miss Hathaway; several of the dames from “Petticoat Junction,” my first three girls, one guy situation; that Ginger broad Tina Something-or-Other and she was a lousy lay.
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The best of the lot was the other chick from that Island show, Mary Ann with the shorty shorts. I was the co-assistant to the co-supervisor for the show’s script for Sherwood Schwartz, the producer of the show. And by co-assistant to the co-supervisor for the show’s script I mean I was making sure the local Teamsters were getting their share of the commissary and waste removal kickbacks, and the carpenter’s union was being paid for the 16 no-show jobs on the production lot, while tea-bagging Yvonne Craig who played Bat Girl on the Bat Man TV show. Bat Girl, I says. I made her keep the costume on whilst she played with my Bat Wing. Che bella fica!
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So this Mary Ann broad and I had a chance meeting during a visit I was paying to the set of her show. One of the Key Grips, Jocko something, had lost 10 large at a local dice game and I went to pay him a visit with Sonny “The Fist” Fra Diavolo to remind him that the next visit would be from Skinny D’Amato. As one of the stage hands was mopping up the puddle of piss left by Jocko, Mary Ann trips on the mop and I catch her to keep her from falling.
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From that point on for about 6 months it was Bang City. We hit it off, and by hit it off I mean she loved getting rummaged 24/7. She had amazing control over her sticchiu and did things I never saw before or since. She used to love to play a game called, “Cucumber, Zuccini or Squash?” She usually picked two, ya mean? I’d call her Mary Ann, and she’d remind me that her name was Dawn. I’d say, “Yea sure, just suck my cock.” I’ve become a little more tactful over the years.
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There was a lot of wild shit going on between the cast members of those shows. Hayden Rourke who played Dr. Bellows on the genie program used to rim the big fat guy who played the Skipper on the Island show when they were on breaks for shooting; that guy never took off his captain’s hat. There were checcas all over the place back then. Then there was another Yvonne, the broad who played Lily on the Frankenstien show with the fuckin’ Werewolf kid and Dracula old man. She was one of those broads who had been in a lot of small parts in a lot of big movies, and had a role in “The Ten Commandments,” which got her plugged into the power crowd. She hooked up with Dean while she was doing the TV show and he was doing his TV show. You wouldn’t know it to see her in her get-up for the show, but she was a good looking skirt. Dean got her to shave her zool – that was Dean’s mission in life ever since the Miami Shaving Orgy – which was a big thing for a woman who was around 40 at the time. Dean had a great way with the ladies and didn’t have a mean bone in his body. He always took care of his girls. It was odd though, that it got to a point where he didn’t bang them all, but would get them to shave. I guess you can say he has done mankind a great favor. I gotta tellya, there was nothing worse than dealing with that pants full of gabiles (pronounced gab-eels, I says). It really threw me off to get a beauty in bed, take her pants off and find that hairy sticch. A mannagia!
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Yep, these kids today couldn’t have dealt with the crazy scene in the 60s.”

2:18 am August, 4 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’ve had so amny visitors to the annual corn grove festical I had to chase them all away when they started laughing at Geddy Lee’s voice. This shit usally goes to all night. But when one of these fuckign cow farmers laughs at my country music I fucking klise it. Fucking mosquitoes and there Obama virus got me all gee w]fcuking willickered as well.
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No fuckimng knives left so I’m forking it. Paper stealers.

2:18 am August, 4 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Fuck I’m stoned. Could it be the sitting in the shitty summer rain listening to far out tunes and falling asleep in the rain ruining the lapstop. Got a raging fire going and the pussies all went hone to the next county road on account of the popo chasing our horse and buggies around. Might it be they don’t like the pro-Israeli (respect talk- as an aside I propose that religion is a global maelstrom- and that two attempts to tid the world of the Phillistines were unsuccessful). Fuck Gaza! Bomb those fucking mud monkey stone throwing bastards back to today. Get it?
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Geddy Lee speaks the truth in so many filtered ways through Neil Peart’s lyrycism. I din’t know if hagss a word but its 11:30mand i’m wasged. Going to get some more doobabe and be fight back. Give me 10 minutes, My heartnand mind united in a single perfect sphere.

2:43 am August, 4 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Ya gotta get one of the tiny $200 bose (no respect) speakers man. Don Kirhsnhersbrock icnrt in yo head ns shit in hifi and none of the non 60-70-80s hipsters can suck my fork smokijgmshit. Fcu ikmwated. and shit
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When the weak think they are strong, we are all fucked.

2:46 am August, 4 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

When the strong think they are weak, we are ll fucked.

2:48 am August, 4 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

May Skinny’s ghost pass my addled fork smokimg mind and ass punch the weak leaders (all but Harper and the Net. and shit.
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Peace in our time brothers. Vote Kroeger ’15 for Prime Minste

11:58 am August, 4 hermit said...

The wealthy/elitist, euro-loving, racist, leftist anti-Semites want Israel wiped off the map just like Hamas does.
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A Chad Kroeger/ Rob Ford ticket for PM and I’m officially moving to Canada.

12:04 pm August, 4 DarkSock said...

Gabiles, he says
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Minstes

12:05 pm August, 4 DarkSock said...

But hermit – I thought Rev WAS Rob Ford…?
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You just shattered my zeitgeist.

1:24 pm August, 4 Dickie Fingers said...

There are worser things than a pantload of gabiles. RIP Skinny.

1:49 pm August, 4 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

If ye move up here Hermit, there’s room for more wingmen as Lenny and I have upsized to a minivan with fridge and hot and cold running doobies.
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http://www.aux.tv/2014/07/the-giant-house-chad-kroeger-built-is-for-sale-in-abbotsford-b-c/?utm_source=AUX+Feed&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Outbrain

10:40 pm August, 4 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Thanks to Et Tu for keeping the torch lit, or some shit.
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I imagine the Rev/Lenny Van has shag carpet, a fine Corinthian leather couch, and smells like incense and jism. Am I right when I say that?

12:16 am August, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

Yet more Skinny D tales
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11:38 am March, 22 Doucheywallnuts said…

Skinny D’Amato, he of the famous ass punch. He went into the witness protection program 15 years ago with the new name of Corky Callahan. He had been doing work for the Scarfo crime family out of Philly and was a major enforcer in Atlantic City when the Feds caught up to him.
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He had been working as a co-producer and correographer of the nightly lounge shows at Trump’s Taj Majal. And by co-producer and correographer of the nightly lounge shows at Trump’s Taj Majal, I mean he was collecting the vig for the Scarfo boys and making sure the boardwalk concessions were making their kickback payments on time and in the proper amount.
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The Feds caught up with him by accident. They were running some undercover bunko sting with some of the dealers and lounge waitresses, and Skinny had ass punched one of the dealers who owed the Scarfos money. They found one of Skinny’s cuff links in the guy’s anus, which led to a whole chain of unfortunate (for Skinny) chain of events that resulted in Skinny rolling on the Scarfos.
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Skinny moved out to Scottsdale where he opened an exotic bird and fish store under his new identity, and stopped punching guys in the ass.

2:34 am August, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Cuff links, he says.
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Van’s not exotic like that DW. I wish. I used to have a 77 Dodge Tradesman done up like that with a special compartment where I could hide the hitch hikers, some called them missing persons, that I picked up from time to time.

Lenny’s Altima, the “Remember Pearl Harbour”, has been showing some wear and tear so I bought a mighty piece of Detroit Steel to depreciate at the urging of Schlomo, my ambidexterous CPA. Fine Ethiopian leather.
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No Woodie option? Fuuuuuck you Chrysler!

11:52 am August, 5 Charles Douchewin said...

I dig Et Tu’s ability to summon 2014 posts, almost as much as I dig a Wallnuts’ reminiscences. Memoirs, I says.
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DW, since you’re ranging into the later years, what was Frank still pullin’ while not going gentle…? I mean, how could he not make it with Céline Dion? And what about shite with Bono?
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Bono must’ve be doing something right in life, to get a painting from Frank, by frank.

4:29 pm August, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

^, I have most of all DWallnuts’ reminiscences. I originally conspired to publish it behind his back but I thought that wasn’t cool plus I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder N’a Mean?. Anyway then I thought I would approach him about me promoting a speaking engagement tour of the Mid-Atlantic region riffing at joints like the local Kiwanis Clubs, KoC’s, Howard Johnson’s etc; Unfortunately it never came to pass cause I’m lazy and have the attention span of a child.

3:12 am August, 6 DarkSock said...

I’m all’s about a weekly reminisce from DW; I just needs to get the permissions to do so, so as t’not invite a asspunch what has me shittin’ hemoglobin and in my case titanium plates and screws what I collected from my previously enumerated boating adventures.
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N’mean?
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We’s lookin’ at you, DW…most’a these goombas is feedin’ trees at this point so’s the expiration dates is open season.
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Capice?
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Gambinos. Madon!
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I’m Irish/Native American/Simpson County redneck so I’m mimickin’ a foreign tongue, as it were.
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D’Amatos.

10:16 pm August, 6 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I think Skinny would scrape up his knuckles real bad if he delivered the Down Below howitzer to youse, Dark.
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I’ll get my typin fingers limbered up some…

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