Wednesday, December 6, 2006

HCwD of the Month: Socrates Douche


Admit it.

You didn’t see it coming.

It was gonna be the ‘Bagsgiver or if not him than androgynous Pat and his uber-sexy girlfriend/sister. Well the votes are in and totaled, after one of the lengthiest and funniest debates in the comments thread, and Socrates Douche barely beats out the ‘Bagsgiver in a squeaker. I have S.D. by ONE vote, so it may have been douchebag OUT! flipping that coin at the end that turned the tide. The deciding factor seems to be the fact that Socrates is pure Jersey source-douche. The purest, uncut douche on the market. Not to mention his head is the La Brea Tar Pits of douchitude.

So lets all tip our red cups of cheap wine to the Soc. He is this month’s HCwD of the Month winner.

But have no fear, fellow hotties and ‘bag hunters. All four of these choice samples of Scrote will be eligible for awards during the end of the year “Douchies.” In which, as suggested by undouchesided and mitch meats, we’ll be handing out awards based on our favorite pics. I’m also considering a series in late December called “The Twelve Douchebags of Christmas.” So fan faves like White Chocolate, Big Red, and maybe even the original Shocker, will get honored.

However the “Douchie Of the Year” Award will only go to the winner of the HCwDotY contest, as fair is fair.

In the end it came down to which was more overwhelming, the sunglass wearing sexual power of the ‘Bagsgiver versus the true Jersey source douche of Socrates. “Know thyself” indeed.

cuke makes out the case for Socrates’s supreme douchebaggery:

His two internet amateur porn hotties from the Valley, his black, Eyetalian skeez jersey that just screams “My pizzabox laden apt is a 1/2 a block off the New Jersey Turnpike” , the silver trackpants. the 4 buck knockoff euro shades– Socrates’ pic emits a rotten stench of douchbaggery that you couldn’t wash off with a tub of bleach and a brillo pad. But the clincher is that massive silver cross on his greasy, waxed Bag chest. He’s a Werewolf Hunter Douche. He’s a Douche for Jesus. He’s The Father, Son and Holy Ghost of Douche. Please, let us all bow our heads in prayer to His Holy Doucheness, Lord Socrates. Amen.

And then there’s mitch meats, who may be in the running for “best metaphor in the comments section of the year” describing the haunting nature of the ‘Bagsgiver:

‘Bagsgiver: What else needs to be said? This putrid ass hat has been haunting me nightly as I cry softly to myself. I guess I should be thankful that he has replaced the nightmare where all my teeth break while eating a butterscotch. But I still want a stingray to stab him in the heart.

Until, in a shocker (and not that kind of “shocker”), MM reverses himself and casts in with the stealth uber-douche power of S.D.:

But, even though I know I said ‘bagsgiver was a shoe-in for HCwDotY, I’m gonna have to agree with some other folks in choosing Socrates as the upstart rag-tag giant-killing shit stain of the century. I had forgotten about him until I saw myself in his forehead and promptly punched my own mother in the face.

As baron von douchehausen explains, Jersey Douche is just too powerful to ignore. Not even two naked hotties with a spikey knob can overcome its unholy source-douche:

Alas, as in music, it comes down to the roots, the source. Heavy Jersey Douche is douchetude in its purest form. All other styles are merely variations on this basic theme. And while variety can be kitschy and cool and serves a purpose for cultural growth and innovation, we must, at last, when confronted with such a broad spectrum of grease, faux-jewelry, and gorgeous hottie skin, find ourselves judging on the basics.

But the Bagsgiver definitely has his fans. As il douche succinctly observes:

Bagsgiver, on the other hand, is already in a house and any of those doors could lead to the bedroom in which those girls will double team him. If you still don’t agree that he’s the worst of the year, go back and read that last sentence again and let it linger. Let it eat away at your imagination and you sense of what is right in the world.

As to the legend of Pat, jem sums it up in an almost haiku format:

ok, no hand gestures but LOOK AT HIM. I just..gah. its definately 4

But bmt brings it home for Socrates:

So I’ve got to go with Socrates. He’s got no weaknesses. Every catergory this site espouses as criteria for douchetude he meets. The clinching factor is how absolutely soaked his face is in douche resin. There’s so much light reflecting from his grill that if you stare at his cheek you can see what happened on Pluto 20 million light years ago.

Good job, people. Yes, we all feel dirty as a result. But we have done our work like the finest of ‘Bag Hunters. In the great historical tradition of William “Scrote Hunter” Wallace and Genghis “Bagslayer” Kahn, we are hunting down the poo and the hotties who love them.

Man, that comments section was good. I need a cig.

# posted by douchebag1

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