Thursday, December 14, 2006

HCwD of the Week: No Exit


Exremely tight, evenly balanced contest this week. I have “No Exit” winning by just one vote. However I didn’t count the hanging chads that were Yellowtail’s saggy man-boobs. But in the end No Exit’s accessories, bizarre hair and finger rings put him over the top.

However Yellowtail will definitely find a place in the Senior Scrotizens section of the Hall of Scrote.

All three of our finalists won their share of love (and by love I mean “spew”). There were a couple of write-ins for Ben Grimm ‘Bag, so I’ll be including him in the next HCwDotW contest even though that might not be for a few weeks what with the Yearly Scrote-Off coming on Monday.

This week’s dilemma seems to come down to the classic problem of Old-Douche. When grandpa is still out trolling the clubs for young poon, there seems to be an inverse correlary — we begin to gain respek for their ancient douchitude. Like they transform from young balls of scrote into wise Zen-Douche Masters. Even with the cheese odor of Yellowtail, this seemed to flip enough votes to take the cake for No Exit.

Don Juan de la Douche tosses in with the Creature from the Blond Lagoon by factoring in the luscious hotties:

I gotta go with 1, Blondenstein. The hotties are the hottest out of the 3. The girl in the middle is top shelf, and the blondie to the right ain’t no slouch either. Frankenbag doesn’t have much going for douchiness other than his goofy hair. But Frankenbag was there in that picture and I wasn’t. That pisses me off more than the other 2 pics.

douchestar runner sums up this week’s conflicting douche-motions, however D.R. tosses in with the old git:

I was already to go with Yellowtail, hands down–I mean, any ‘bag that has more leathery skin than George Hamilton (and who’s also about as old) and leaves his also leathery shirt WIDE open just can’t be topped, right?

Then I started reading the arguments for No Exit, and I started to have doubts. And I started to examine his picture more closely. From the accessories alone we can tell this guy’s a big time douchebag–throw in a creepy molester-grin and you’ve got some considerable ‘baggery going on. And his wholesome looking spring-break coed hottie definitely makes you think “what the hell is she doing with him?”

But I have to ask myself–which one of these guys would be more unusual to see in real life? Which one is more delusional? And without hesitation, I say it’s #2. Dudes that look like No Exit are a dime a dozen at the club–his accessories may be ridiculous but his shirt and hair are pretty tame.

But even though Oldie’s power of puke was overwhelming, #3 took the cake. As the ever present anonymous formulas it out:

Let’s do the math: Douche-smirk + ethnically incongruous hair dye job + ((sunglasses x number of hairs cascading over them)/price of the sunglasses) + pucca shell necklace + dogtags + finger acknowledgment to the Big Douchebag in the Sky +(finger accessories x 3) + (open shirt x number of open buttons) + bag headbutt and all multiplied by a Hot Chick factor of 8 = one of the rankest scrotes ever to ooze his way into these hallowed pages. If he were a little greasier and had a more flamboyant shirt, we’d all be lining up to crown him Proto-Bag of the century.

Hard to argue with cold hard math.

# posted by douchebag1

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