Thursday, December 21, 2006

HCwD of the Year: Glinty


In the end it was fairly close, but Glinty pulled it out like the champion West Coast greaseball he is. Although Socratic Douche did put up a tough fight to come in second, with Dung Beetle still receiving enough votes to finish a solid third.

But the overwhelming grease/hot combo of Glinty remains a fan fave. There were just too many attributes for Glinty to be denied. The bling. The shirt with the stupid douche “humor” partially blocked by a gorgeous, exposed beauty. However, the greased up forehead and chin pubes are what I think carried him through the finals to a convincing victory for the coveted first annual HCwDotY Award.

I’d inform Glinty himself, but I’m not sure he’s actually human. Staring at this pic makes me think he might be like Orange ‘Bag, an apparition or a shell that you simply move into a storage bin when the clubs close.

So lets all clink our bling and give HCwD props to Glinty for beating out the rest and taking the coveted top spot. He is “Classic HCwD” on so many levels. He is archetype. While there are more gut wrenching douchebag freaks and sexy-ass hotties from the past year (I’m still recovering from the perfection of Barbarino ‘Bag’s hottie), there is no doubt that this pic contains too many douchey/hottie qualities to ignore its greatness.

As Mitch Meats breaks it down for us:

Winner and still champeen: Gliny Blinglescrote, I want to douse your soul patch in turpentine then immolate your @#$@ing oily head. I want to draw and quarter your nutsack with very powerful and slow moving tortoises. I want to put you in a blender, make a dirty douchetini, and throw you off the Statue of Liberty. There are so many thousands of ways that I can imagine killing you this morning. For that, and the combined strength of your über-delicious rays of sunshine, you completely deserve the title of Douchebag of the Year. Now get the @#$@ out of my sight.

Well said, M.M. And nice job finding the umlout key. I still haven’t been able to crack that Germanic nut.

I’m also pleased to see i bling key in on an important ‘bag factor that we sometimes overlook — the attitude problem. There’s no doubt that Dung Beetle’s sneer (and his hottie’s perfection) are the reasons he’s made it this far in the first place.

But the sneering Dung Beetle has the crucial douchebag arrogance that raises him above the other two. He’s wearing all black, has the stupid sunglasses indoors and a death grip on his hottie. He’s mocking us in this photo, knowing we will likely never have the opportunity to give him the throat-punch he so richly deserves.

Nice work, I.B. Another interesting hypothetical is brought to us by Douche, PhB(ag), who ruminates on the differences between genetic douchosity and douche-as-persona:

A philosophical question. What is more douche? To be as one is, like a shiny mountain, Phidias’ Zeus in silver track pants, an eternal Jersey guido douchebag? Or to change with the seasons, shedding the glinty belt buckle and fake tan like a diseased maple dropping its wormy rotting leaves only to blossom into a new and more horrible form the coming spring?

I believe the latter is more reprehensible. Vote Glinty, as I do.

Pandora brings an important female perspective as she uses the “least likely to touch” barometer to make her vote before casting in with S.D.:

Needless to say, all three douches here are very HCwDBofY worthy … yet the one I would be most unwilling to let touch me is the Socratic Douche. Not only does he look like he just rolled out of a tanning booth and into a lard bath, he is wearing the classic douche tank top and bling. While not sporting the grillz of White Chocolate, I bet he’s saving up his money from his full time job at Burger King to buy a pair. I would like to buy lighters for each of his blondes so that they may be able to burn the layer of skin off that touched him.

Nicely reasoned, Pandora. In fact there was some excellent work done by all the ‘bags, ‘bag slayers and hotties in the comments thread including an excellent poem by Undouchesided, I refer all to the comments thread for a more detailed analytical deduction of some of the larger moral, intellectual, philosophical, ethical and puke/boner factors that we’re exploring.

Great work all, lets tip our red cups of Night Train to Glinty. For he and his hotties personify all that is uber hottie/scrote in today’s douchey world. All that makes us hopeful, and all that makes us want to kill ourselves with an ice-pick through the eye.

# posted by douchebag1

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