Tuesday, December 26, 2006

The Douchies: Best "Special" 'Bag

This Douchie is for the “special” ‘bags, those heaping turds who’ve rolled off the short bus and somehow corralled a hottie along the way. Whether out of pity, sexual attraction or somewhere in between, you’ll never know. And because of that lack of knowledge, you must mock. And in doing so, you must pick a winner.

The nominees for Best “Special” ‘Bag are…

Best Special ‘Bag Nominee #1: Hootie is a Blowfish


His chin kind of resembles those fried egg inside a slice of bread “bullseye” breakfasts we used to eat at summer camp. Although why I would want to associate this nipple rubbing poobag with a fond food memory is a question better left for my psychiatrist.

Of course, that would be if I could afford a psychiatrist. Instead I mostly just talk to the 7-11 Clerk who usually asks me to “please leave” right around the time I start telling him how my mother didn’t show me enough affection growing up. Stupid 7-11 clerk.

Best “Special” ‘Bag Nominee #2: Polo Boy


This is one of my favorite pics ever on the site, if for nothing else then the yellow polo with pink polo wraparound sweater. And of course the most perfectly tanned hide since Buffalo Bill used to hand stitch saddles back in the 1880s.

I know I shouldn’t make fun of 16 year old training-‘bags, but how can I leave off Polo Boy from the list? If Anna Pacquin can win an Oscar at 10, Polo Boy can get a Douchie Nom.

Best “Special” ‘Bag Nominee #3: The Red Cup

The fact this rather befudled young ‘bag resembles the younger brother on “Growing Pains” is only one of many reasons to mock his scrotey nature. Wholesome midwestern Red Cup clutching lass is another. The dude in the back jonsing for cereal is simply an innocent bystander in this trainwreck of HCwD wrongness.

Best “Special” ‘Bag Nominee #4: Graduation Scrote


The fact this guy graduated anything outside of the Learning Annex Tony Robbins “Personal Power” class is a terrifying indictment of the American educational system.

To paraphrase Otter in “Animal House,” I put it to you, Greg. Isn’t that an indictment of the United States of America itself?

This pic most certainly is.

Dartboard with darts holding up notes. Captain Morgan poster. And two cute little Frosh-in-Training hotties. Horns McShortbus makes me want to spew on the couch if it wouldn’t blend right in. Because, uh, the pattern on the couch looks like puke. Figured I’d spell it out, in case Graduation Scrote’s reading this.

Four good candidates. This one is a tough vote.

# posted by douchebag1

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