Monday, February 5, 2007

HCwD of the Month

Namaste,

Before we get to this month’s ultimate scrote-off, lets all take a moment to Zen ourselves. I want each and every one of you to close your eyes and let all thoughts of douchebaggery and the hotties they pollute leave your mind.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Now shake out all that excess douchebaggery floating around in your consciousness from the past few weeks of pics, and slowly open your eyes.

Perhaps you’re wondering how you’re supposed to close your eyes and follow these steps while reading a computer screen. Do not. That is your shakra speaking. It is merely the superego trying to distract you.

When you’ve followed these steps, you will be refreshed and ready to cast your gaze anew at the finalists for “Hot Chick with Douchebag of the Month.” Stare as if with virginal eyes at these four pics of douchey rank spew comingling with sexy hotness, and judge which rises to the top of the proverbial douche-heap. Which knob and his girl makes your head spin with existential crisis and Godless angst. Only with a fresh approach can we be fair (especially since D.D. is entering legend status). So without further ado, here are the finalists.

HCwD of the Month Candidate #1: Douche Vortex

I know. You want to jump down to Donkey Douche. But this is where your meditation comes into play.

Zen yourself.

Gaze anew at this scrotey/hottie combo. Observe the grease. Observe the Holy Blue Triangle.

Observe the Grieco virus jumping like fleas from left to right.

Feel that soul wrench? Allow it to pass.

Then consider the Vortex as a worthy entry for HCwD of the Month.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Namaste.

HCwD of the Month Candidate #2: Donkey Douche

I’m not sure if this is a contest or a coronation, as the D.D. is one of the great finds of the last few months. I’ve also unfairly balanced this month’s contest by posting numerous supplimentary pics of this choad’s monkey like douchiness. But hey, what are ya gonna do. I’m a drunk douchebag.

However, grasshoppers, let us not forget that today’s contest involves the Zen Douchitude of clearing one’s mind of all clutter. As of now, this is the only D.D. pic in competition. Let us clear our thoughts, hold Douche-Warrior #2 Pose, and consider anew the rank spew of the Donkster and his key lime pie hottie.

She is all that is Holy and Good in the Universe. As electrons, protons and neutrons circle each other, she is the real force that guides the universe.

I would lick her cleavite like a dehydrated Nun in the sub-Saharan dessert.

HCwD of the Month Candidate #3: The Mug

The Mugster is what we like to call “Classic HCwD.” The Mugster is to ‘baggy/cutie combos what Skynyrd is to classic rock or David Faustino is to classic former sitcom stars who saw their career ruined by Seth Green.

Muggy is classic douche, with mandana, smug expression and ‘bag hand gesture. He’s got all the requisite traits. And the cuties are sweet innocent flowers with a dirty-grrl tip.

And holding ‘Bag Hand Gesture #49 while clutching a leather jacket has to be a novel approach to the HCwD pic.

Speaking of sketch, I didn’t include Sketch in the HCwD of the Month contest because I prefer the three pic douche-off to the four pic circle of confusion, and not to mention Sketch appears to be too young to rightfully face enshrinement as a Monthly winner.

To paraphrase Wally Moose, you have to be “this douchey” to get on this ride.

So what say you, people? Is it a runaway slam dunk for D.D.’s enshrinement?

# posted by douchebag1

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