Monday, February 19, 2007

HCwD of the Week: 'Roid Edition

It was tough to cull the Jersey this week into a trio of finalists, but cull I must. Especially after Labor Day ‘Bag received an unexpected smackdown from the HoS ‘Baggers. I thought LDB was fairly iconic, certainly enough for the HoS, but the committee said no. Tough crowd. Incidentally, Gerard Depardouche has been added to the committee after sending me hot pics of his girlfriend in compromising positions. Like I said, I’m cheap and easy that way.

Nice work, GD, and welcome to the committee. Your hottie’s quite the pool player.

So without further ado, here are this week’s candidates for the trophy:

HCwD of the Week Candidate #1: Pumpy

Pumpy’s one of those rare ‘bag pics to achieve douchosity through pure douche-face, or in this case, douche-bulge. It’s rare that a scrote gets celebrated without at least a few douche products. Even the ‘baggy 10 degree hat tilt is only at 2 degrees on Pumpy.

Oh sure, I suppose the low hanging pants and sunglasses might count, and the boob grab, ‘bag hand gesture #29, is definitely rank. And of course the latest trend in defining the ‘bag aesthetic — shirtlessness — but the dude is at a beach after all.

And yet, he’s douchey. But douchey enough for HCwD of the Week?

She is a tiny ball of perky cute, and definitely holds up the HC side of the equation quite nicely. I would slather her belly button ring in cream cheese and serve on a lightly toasted onion bagel. If she really was a grade school teacher, I went to the wrong damn schools. My grade school teachers looked like refried beans.

HCwD of the Week #2: Harry Beaver


Well there were plenty of Jersey ‘roid candidates from last week, but I had to give Harry Beaver a shot at the title. Something about that look, that hirsute hairyness, and the way he’s carrying off his catch of the day, just scream roofie douchitude.

This poor confused doe has perfect thighs of succulent perfection. And she likes short-shorts. Me likes shorts-shorts.

The gorilla t-shirt sends this pic over the crest of the absurd and into the realm of the sublime. Or maybe it’s those thighs.

HCwD of the Week #3: Rambag

This pic is as painful as Stallone’s 1986 epic arm wrestling classic, “Over the Top.” That film starred that annoying ten year old kid who looked like a girl, yelling “C’mon dad! Over the top!” During the climactic arm wrestling finale.

It’s sad that I remember that.

Since this is also likely the Jersey Pic’s hero, and be hero I mean upchuck, I figured he needed a name. Since Rocky Baldouchebag didn’t have the best ring to it, I went with “Rambag.”

She is pure cuddle. Watching Rambag’s giant arm hang limply by while she cuddles with him is enough to make me marry Brigitte Nielson.

Remember, HCwDs are to be judged solely on the inherent wrongness of the pic and it’s affect on causing you to smash your head into your monitor and spit-take your coffee. But I suppose it’s inevitable that the fuller body of work is an influence. In this case, it’s also last week’s New Jersey pic. And for Pumpy, it’s also the “America” pic (assuming they’re the same dude).

Also just because I titled this week’s contest “Roid Edition,” that should not be a reason to discount Harry Beaver. All three pics should be given their shot at the title. And by shot at the title, I mean injections of douchitude to help beef up the ‘bag-face.

I like that. “Beefing up the ‘Bag-Face.” Wasn’t that an early Men at Work album?

Vote as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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