Monday, March 12, 2007

HCwD of the Month: Olive Garden Edition

For kicks and hiccups some friends dragged me to an Olive Garden last night to observe the suburbanite Housewives of Douchebag County riff-raff in their natural habitat.

We ate the all you can eat breadsticks and salads. I had a bowl of oil topped off with some lasagna. Good times were ironically had, even as I slid home.

But what I do know is that what toe fungus is to the toe, Olive Garden is to the great food and wine of Italy. And having spent an incredible two weeks eating pasta, gelatto, proscuitto and melon, while chasing 19 year old Italian hotties on the south island of Lido a few years ago, Olive Garden offends me far more than any Jersey Guido does. So it is in Olive Garden’s douchey honor that we hold this month’s HCwD of the Month contest.

And really, is there a better way to spend a monday than voting on scrotey/hottie immoral, unholy and just plain icky comingling? This four pic smackdown of headache inducing douchitude and the hotties who love them is brought to you by Olive Garden.

When you’re there, you’re douchey.

HCwD of the Week Finalist #1: T Baggin’

One of a series of furry hipster bags to appear on the site over the past month, (see Beaver, Harry) T Bag represents the non-shaving Scruff Bag movement to a, well, a T.

And that perfect Malaysian hottie makes me long for sticky rice and papaya at Indochine on Lafayette Street back during my New York days. Mmm… good times.

I would wrap her in a grape-leaf while practicing tantric mandala sand painting. With each colored pebble I place during the excrutiating ten day process, I would chant my mantra to honor her boobie greatness.

Then I would watch as the currents blew the sand away, reducing my art to mere dust once again. And within that impermanence I would learn two enlightened notions:

1. I really love boobies
2. I really really love boobies

Namaste.

HCwD of the Month Finalist #2: Pumpy

A rapidly growing douche legend. But that rapid growth could be due to the ‘roids so potent my nads just shrank to the size of pygmy marmoset monkeys.

Pumpy won the HCwD of the Week contest on the pure strength of his roided up douche-face. And, of course, the primal boob grab, a rapidly developing douchebag tradition.

Hottie is cute and sweet and innocent. Sure when she opens her mouth she probably sterilizes infants with her pitch, but in pixelated form, she’s all good.

This pic is definitely a HCwD legend, and whether it wins the monthly douche-off or not, probably deserves a place in the Hall of Scrote. But that’s a vote for another day.

And by day I mean twinkies.

Mmm… twinkies.

HCwD of the Month Finalist #3: Stewbag aka Rod Stewart Douche aka Maggie Hottie


It’s hard to argue with Maggie’s utter lusciousness, and unlike some of the regulars, I’m thrilled she stopped by to say hi to everyone in the comments thread. And I’m not just saying that on the off-chance hope that she’ll get drunk and hook up with me when she comes to L.A.

Okay, yes.

Yes I am just saying that.

But I would punch hipsters at Sky Bar just for the chance to rub my shins on her tissue dress.

Rod Stewart ‘Bag is so many levels of wrong, I can’t even think of an appropriate metaphor for what I would do to that ‘bag. I would punch him in the face, then punch him in the face.

HCwD of the Month Finalist #4: Beastie Bag


So what-cha what-cha what-cha want?

Not this douche.

This is clearly a case where a stage-2 beastie bag hip hop wigga got a bump in the finals (over Ghost no less) simply due to the utter adorability of dark haired cutie. I’d slather her with mustard and enjoy with a side order of fries while watching the BoSox gear up for a spring training game on DirectTV. She is all-American hotness. I would love her perfect white teeth from afar, writing Patrarchan sonnets for each bicuspid.

There is something enjoyable about the trashy Motel 6 feel of the background. I can’t tell if it’s a halfway house, a z-level porn set or a University of Peoria field trip to see the biggest ball of yarn.

But enough of my rantings. Like the faux Greco-Italian fresco plaster of the Olive Garden, we can choose one, and only one, to rise up and accept the hallowed mantle of HCwD of the Month.

And I entrust that important vote to your hands.

What say you? Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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