Wednesday, March 14, 2007

HCwD of the Month: Pumpy


Excellent analysis, deconstruction and debate in the comments thread, props to all for bringing their A-game to our parsing of the cultural narratives and forces of hegemony that conspire to create the dominant and oppositional HCwD discourses of our day. From Derrida to Proust, from string theory to post-feminism and third wave gender analysis, we must dig ever deeper to expose the forces at work that lead to such unholy, and douchey, comingling like the four featured in this month’s contest.

As to questions about Donkey Douche, the D.D. has already ascended into the Scrote pantheon, there is no need for his greatness to trifle with the mere mortal hottie/douchey combos that must compete for our attention and our votes in this contest. Don’t cry for him, Dario Argento. For he will remain with us, haunt our dreams, at least until the crazy ghost killer shows up in the final reel.

Stupid late night horror on HBO.

The monthly voting basically came down to T ‘Bag and Pumpy, with Beastie simply not rising the blood pressure enough to cause a ripple and StewBag’s Maggie perhaps throwing off the curve with her defense of her douchetraction tendencies in the comments thread. As to Pumpy, he crushed the competition like only a Douchezilla can. Like the first icon of the raving roidbag to appear on the site, Old No. 7 aka Cro Bagnon, Pumpy’s sheer simian force and the cuteness of his innocent hottie was just too much to overcome.

greekbag sums up why Pumpy can ascend to the douche pantheon with barely a scrote accessory on him:

From the moment I saw Pumpy, I recognized his greatness. He is the Proto-Douche in the new wave of Roid ‘Bags that is sweeping the nation today. Look at this guy’s hands! One is almost entirely covering her right side while the other one has gone in for one of the most egregious boob grabs this side of T-Bag. And his hottie is excellent. She’s no Maggie, but she’s perky enough to make me dream about eating soft shell crab off of her stomach and then taking a long nap in between her beautifully crafted silicone chest…

His piercing gaze through those fake Ray-Bans transcends our current understanding of douchiness and reaches a completely new level that I cannot put into words. The Grieco spirit seems to have chosen him as the future of Douchitude. And the future is a bleak one.

Also, if you don’t vote for him, he will rip out your spine and use it as a toothpick.

I vote for pumpy

But that’s not to say the T Bag didn’t also find some love, and by love I mean Fruit Loops. david douchecovney brings some stellar analytics to his deconstruction and winds up casting in with the T Bagger:

Within this set of specimens there are actually TWO subsets. The first being the combination yam grab/moronic facial configuration exemplified by Tbag and Pumpy. The second subset can be characterized by having only one distinctive douche trait. Beastie has the ‘bag hand gesture & nothing more to recommend him. Stewy has his hair. I have taken the hotness of the hot chicks as given in all cases.

As two are always better than one if the object be “good” or “desireable” then conversely, two become worse than one if the object be “bad” or “repulsive”. As we are attempting to determine the worst douchbag it follows that our second subset must needs be eliminated from consideration.

It is my feeling that a vote for Pumpy is wasted. Wasted on him, on you, me, all of humanity. It is wasted in the same way that the sensation (which must be quite pleasant) traveling from his paw is wasted on his brain. The message does not compute, like a tree falling in an empty cranium, Pumpy is a a waste.

Tbag gets my vote. I hate that guy so much.

Seriously you guys . . . hate . . . that . . . guy.

I hear ya D.D. (and I don’t mean the Donkey). danny bonnadouchey agrees, and sums up the wrongness:

T’Bag ruins this picture. Everytime I try to focus on those amazing boobs, I see someone’s hand limply grasping one. “Who’s hand is that?”, I ask. My eyeline then raises to meet T’Bag. It settles first on his gaping maw, emitting a velociraptor-like screech of elation at touching those fantastic boobies. I then meet his gaze, his red eyes burning me like two hot coals of baggery. I finally take in the hat. The straight-brimmed, two sizes too large hat.

I’m going to go lay down in front of traffic now.

To offer the female perspective on the ‘bag boob grope #02, fanny double douche had this to say:

if that were my funbag he was groping, you’d need a barrel of crisco to make my passion fruit work again. so, my vote is for t-bag.

But Otto Graf von Douchemark takes it home for Pumpy:

Im gonna cut it short this time: Its Pumpy.

He is Arnold Douchenegger, the Douchinator. He could squash your head with one hand and still have the same non-expression on his face. He looks like that because he does not have to prove that he is douche, he knows it. No need for toungebaging or bag-faces. His face is just scary. He looks like he knows your going nuts over his tittiegrap but you cant do s#@ about it.

I just tried to imagine a fight between Pumpy and Cro´bagnon, that would be the end of the world as we know it…

And so we raise Pumpy’s stretched out jersey to the rafters. It was a hard fought HCwD of the Month contest, but Pumpy prevailed. Props to ‘bag hunter danny bonnadouchey for finding the pic, and props to all for the excellent comments and voting. I thought the Ghost could’ve given Pumpy a run for his money, but that’s the way the forehead grease drips.

To quote the great Jean Baudrillard, who sadly passed away a few days ago:

The liberated man is not the one who is freed in his ideal reality, his inner truth, or his transparency; he is the man who changes spaces, who circulates, who changes sex, clothes, and habits according to fashion, rather than morality, and who changes opinions not as his conscience dictates but in response to opinion polls.

However, since you just read that on a computer screen, it may not have really taken place. Rest well, Baudrillard. The simulacrum remains.

# posted by douchebag1

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