Monday, March 5, 2007

HCwD of the Week: Metaphors and Twinkies

This week’s HCwD douche-off has me thinking of the unholy phenomenon we study in terms of the representative abstract metaphor. If the douchebag functions as signifier of societal rot, the hottie embodies the simple pleasures of a tasty Hostess snack cake. Together they form consumption and horrorshow. Pleasure and pain. Tasty chocolate cupcake and sludge poo. One cannot exist without the other. Consumed together, The HC and D combo forms a more complete picture of not just the steaming load of douchebaggery, but plastic packaged mass produced cupcake goodness. Together. Like Yin and Yang. Like poo and gold.

It would be easy for us to simply cast aspersions on the unholy wretch of the blinged out ‘bag and forget the joyful exhileration of the chemically treated sucrose enhanced sponge-cake that is the hottie. As Lacan teaches us, it is precisely within this absence, within this psychological dissonance between Hostess fruit pie and Jersey douche, that we locate true desire.

And on that note, on to this week’s finalists:

HCwD of the Week Finalist #1: The Ghost

Those sunglasses. Those tats. That grease. That tasty Hostess Hottie. The psychological ramifications of staring at this pic too long can not be understated. It is taint.

Brunette hottie warms the cockles of my heart. And by cockles I mean cockles.

I would lick her shoulder like a snozzleberry.

Who ever heard of a snozzleberry?

We are the music makers. And we are the dreamers of dreams. And she makes my pants feel funny.

HCwD of the Week Finalist #2: The Mugger


This pic didn’t get as much love on the site as I’d thought it would, and by love I mean twinkies. This combo of perfect Asian soup dumpling hottie and cracked out Paula Abdul 80s clothes wearing creepbag renders the perfect inspiration of head smashing wrongness.

Straight up now tell me, is he really going to molest her forever?

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Yes he is.

She may be inflated, but so’s the Macy’s Day Parade Garfield float. And I always loved Garfield. Because he’s so surly. And he loves Lasagna. And he’s so mean to Jon. I mean really, why’s he so mean to Jon? The guy feeds him and takes care of him. And yet he’s always shredding his clothes before Jon’s big date. What’s that about.

Come on Garfield. Be nice to Jon.

HCwD of the Week Finalist #3: The Beastie Bag


This pic gained a lot of love, and by love I mean mini muffins, for the purity of the girl-next-door hotness comingling with the dual ‘bag headbutt and hand gesture #28. As Mitch Meats termed him, one lonely Beastie he be. Although lower case bag made the case that he’s simply a college age Dr. Evil. Nicely done lcb, but I gotta go the Mike D route.

She is classy hot. The type you marry for at least a solid three years before you get drunk and cheat on her with that old high school crush you run into at Ralphs, and she divorces you and takes half your stuff leaving you sitting around on your floor, eating ‘Nilla Wafers and watching Judge Judy. Man. Sucks to be you. But it’d be worth it for three years of that sweater suggestive goodness.

Imagining Fratbag pumping out the Ludacris while studying for his Greek and Hellenic Studies class is enough to make me toss a dorm refrigerator into a quad.

Special props to The Hand, Huey and Douchey, Gunter and Klaus, and the
overwhelming Soul Meets Douchey which I just couldn’t stomach looking at again in the finals, all worthy pics in their own pictoral way.

I’m going an extra week for the weeklies, meaning we’ll have four pics in next week’s HCwD of the Month douche smackdown.

What say you, fellow ‘bags, ‘bag hunters and hotties? The Ghost, the Beastie or the Mugger?

Wait, wasn’t that the title of an old Don Knotts movie?

Vote as always in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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