Monday, March 26, 2007

HCwD of the Week: Nuclear Radiation Edition

I was looking at this week’s pics and feeling my usual sense of overwhelming nihilism, when I realized all three pics do share a commonality. This week’s finalists all feature some form of Hills Have Eyes nuclear mutant douchitude going on. And that’s not including Xenu, whose superior otherworldly manifestion, and the fact he battles Thetans, catapults him directly into the Hall of Scrote.

Xenu looks down on these three inferior douche contenders. He offers them a free Personality Test on Sunset Boulevard and enrollment in a number of courses for a nominal fee.

So in Xenu’s supernatural honor, lets move on to this week’s finalists:

HCwD of the Week Finalist #1: Fall Out ‘Bag

Like the indie rocker band who shares this pud’s douched out name, Fall Out ‘Bag reminds us all of the college English major who partied like a rock-star, snagged the saline debutante everyone fantasized to, then spent the next twelve years pulling pints of Guiness while trying to get his band The Arthritic Tics off the ground.

Suck it, Indie Boy. Your six inch gelled hair and drooling tongue are mere signifiers of a future of dollar tips and bar-counter wipe downs. Or at least I’ll tell myself that while trying to block out the joy that fantastic Cleavite would bring me for a solid forty-five seconds each night. She is Hot. Verb, adjective or noun. Hot.

I am surprised to see the Ubiquitous Red Cup hasn’t found a way to sneak into this pic. Instead its grandfather, the Clear Plastic Cup, seems to be maintaining its tenuous grip on relevance.

Sorry Clear Plastic. The U.R.C. is next-gen alcoholic vessel.

HCwD of the Week Finalist #2: The Rooster


This striped beauty is a long-time fan fave here at HCwDB. She’s also a douche magnet. Here she is with Federline ‘Bag. And here she is with the Vortex of Douche. What’s clear in all three of these pics, aside from the wide spectrum of choad, is that she is absolutely fantastic.

Rooster here may be the ‘baggiest of the three, peacocking his douchitude for the world to see. Given the demand to include this pic in a weekly contest, his greasiness has clearly struck a chord. And by chord I mean root canal.

Cock-a-doodle-douche indeed, Rooster Wank. Get yer hands of the Holy Blue Triangle, or I’ll… I’ll… stare angrily at this pic.

sigh.

She is perfection.

HCwD of the Week Finalist #3: Euro Trash Bag

Euro T.B. is a 15th century plague of douchitude, and the fact he’s polluting these two cuties with a “Sex ‘N’ Roll” shirt only makes the sphincter tightening all the worse. Featuring the early 1990s Kevin Bacon buzzcut, the douche talisman around the neck and some sort of United Nations belt, E.T.B. needs to have his Nations de-Leagued.

And that shoulder on the left is top shelf. I would suckle its ridges while whistling Wagner.

So what say you, people? A worthy finalist round of three, but like the Ancient Mariner says, you can stopeth only one.

Which one will you stopeth?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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