Wednesday, March 28, 2007

HCwDB of the Week: The Rooster


Lords of Pumpy, Tats of Xenu, Wisps of White Chocolate, Spirit of Douche Lee… guide us. Guides us on this journey into the dark realms of douchosity from whence the Rooster crowed.

Holy Hens of Hotness, that was an epic close vote for this week’s HCwDB of the Week. But in the end, this cock was too much to block.

So give it up for The Rooster and one of the hottie faves on the site, the Holy Blue Triangle. The combo of greasy hair, smug douchey expression, hint of Jesus bling and popped collar was enough to send a majority of ‘bag hunters running for the Pepto. And enough to anoint this pic our winner of the week and entrance into next month’s monthly smack-down.

It was a tight vote, but the Rooster pulled it out. Why? Mathematics, of course. As hans lippendoosh brings the science:

A Giant Rooster is a douche of 0.4 to 10 times the mass of Richard Grieco which has exhausted the supply of grease in its core and switched to fusing L.A. Looks Hair Gel in a shell outside the core. Since the inert greasy core has no source of energy of its own, it contracts and heats up, and its gravity compresses the L.A. Looks in the layer immediately above it, thus causing it to fuse faster. This in turn causes the douchebag to become more luminous (from 1,000 to 10,000 times brighter) and expand; the degree of luminosity outstrips the increase in expansion, thus causing the effective scrotal emission to increase.

In douchebags massive enough to ignite Aqua Net fusion, an analogous process occurs when central vodka-cranberry supply is exhausted and the scrote switches to fusing Axe body spray in an energy field, although with the additional complication that in many cases Drakkar Noir fusion will continue in a field at lesser depth — this puts the douche onto the asymptotic giant branch and are called ‘Scrotal Supergiants.'[1][2] The increase in surface scrotal emission shifts the douche’s visible Grieco output to the Scro-Hawk — hence Giant Rooster Douche.

Nicely done H.L. Nicely done.

Fall Out Bag came close to taking the whole thing and also received his due. And by due I mean something that rhymes with stew. Like spew. As matt puts it:

I vote for fall out bag, solely for the fact that his woman is possibly one of the hottest on this site ever. And he’s a pretty big f’n bag.

Short and to the point, matt. I like how you think. However, el douchablo goes in for Euro T.B., who showed surprising resilience and nearly pulled out the win. As E.D. writes:

Although the other contestants are really strong, the girls for me are out of the equasion. The Hot, as it turned out is nothing bu boobs, and even those are fake. And while Blue triangle is still visiting me in my dreams, she already had a lot of spotlight on this site.

So when it comes down to the douches, the rooster is just plain stupid. He makes me shake my head, but the presence of the blue triangle makes this pic watchable. Fall Out Boy is as generic as a douche can get. He followed the manual but didn’t bring anything new to the table. And ETB sported a gay attire, looks like a juvy retard kid that you need to slap some sense into. He inspires rage in me. So I vote for him.

el douchablo is correct to factor in the gut rage element. A true HCwDB should inspire a number of immediate, primal and conflicting emotions in the viewer all at once. Rage. Laughter. Arousal. Depression. Hunger for a bowl of Lucky Charms.

But as nad puts it so eloquently:

please, dear god!

you ever get that sharp, piercing pain in your lower-mid abdomen, just on the right side, thinking your appendix just burst since you also feel flashes of extreme hot and a general headache coupled with pale, sweaty skin and nausea? then did you wish death upon yourself to end the agony?

i just experienced that when i looked at Rooster.

We all did, nad. We all did.

Excellent analysis, deductive reasoning and critical thought on display once again in the comments thread. Many new avenues of sociological exploration on the hottie/douchey wrongness are opening up for us to explore as we move forward.

But for now, tip your red cups to The Rooster, who makes it into the next level of douche wrongness. And go get yourself a bowl of Lucky Charms. You earned it.

# posted by douchebag1

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