Sunday, March 18, 2007

Miami Moe


People often ask me, DB1, can you give us a short-answer definition of the douchebag phenomenon? And normally I hate to reduce our complex and far reaching journey across the spectrum of philosophical douchitude to a simplistic series of approximations. But for today’s lesson, Professor DB1 will try to give at least a roundabout philosophical talking point. Don’t think of it as an answer. Think of it as a starting point for further discussion:

At its essence, if I were to attempt to make a generalized definition, douchebaggery is simply about the affected performative role-playing of the peacocking male in an utterly false and constructed way. It is about the adoption of cultural signifiers of “the stud” as an attempt to woo the female by inverting attraction, by making the male douchebag perform as the object of the female’s gaze — to feminize himself. This attempt at gender inversion, an almost mythic reinvention, allows the male to become the object of attraction through invocation of the tropes of gender masquerade. In this way, the male douchifies himself in the hopes of hiding his true self. Douchitude is the mask, the role being played, which hides the douche from his true reality in hopes of, well, getting jiggy with the hot.

I offer this rather cursory and simplified definition for meditation and contemplation, and will be taking questions shortly.

As Miami Moe (Hawk) here demonstrates, douchebaggery cuts across all racial, gender, cultural and ethnic lines. Anyone can be ‘bag, be they white, be they black, be they Arab, Asian, Latino or be they Pumpy. Douchitude, like any pure zen art practiced by the Trappist monks of the Orval Abbey in Florenville teach us, comes from within. It is not identified by physical genetics but instead it radiates from the soul and the bling with the power of a thousand Griecos.

And like the wicked blue flame of an electric bug zapper, it attracts the hottie with its bright douchey glow.

As to this gorgeous little minx, she is everything that is righteous and holy and sacrosanct in the physical, metaphysical and theological worlds. She’s Lisa Bonet in The Cosby Show hot, and I would gnaw off my ankles just to Theo her Huxtable.

# posted by douchebag1

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