Monday, April 2, 2007

HCwD of the Week: 'Bag Mysticism Edition

This may be one of the hardest weekly contests we’ve ever had here at HCwDB. Each pic offers its own unique pungency of hottie/douchey wrongess. Each of our three sexy lotus flower and rotting fetid fish combos brings forth unique aesthetic appreciations. Art critics celebrate their primitive foregrounding of sexual confusion and chaos. Aspiring Douchebags pilgrimage to witness their superior douchey/hottie wrongness in person from as far away as Coconut Grove.

This is not an easy choice fellow ‘bags, ‘bag hunters and hotties. Choose wisely. The fate of sixteen gallons of Tag Bodyshots and popped collar pink I-Zods hang in the balance. Study each pic. Consider the hotness. Consider the stomach churning wrongess. Which of these three reaches douche transcendence? That, my friends, is up to you.

But enough of your humble narrator’s ramblings. On to the finalists:

HCwD of the Week Finalist #1: The Dharma ‘Bag


There are certain pics where the hottie/douchey comingling is so righteously wrong, so transcendently unholy, that bathing in lysol can’t even cleanse the odor.

This is one of those times.

The Dharma ‘Bag journeys out of a lost Kerouac novel on 1950s douchebags and finds himself in the present day, using his spiritual douche transcendence to cause the hotties to swarm Dean Moriarity style to his earthly manifestation.

Someday 10th graders across this nation will be forced to read of the journeys of The Dharma ‘Bag, and write 3-5 page essays on it when they’d rather be playing basketball. Hang in there kids. College gets much much better.

But until that day when our education system comes to appreciate the alternative literary classics on the douchebag plague, it’ll only be here, at HCwDB.com, that we’ll examine the semiotic and linguistic ramifications of such an eastern Zen Douche Master as The Dharma here.

HCwD of the Week Finalist #2: Platoon aka Army of Scrote

It is rare that we get such a choice platter of douchitude all within one pic. Each iconic stereotype of the douche plague neatly represented and compartmentalized, as if we’ve ordered the PuPu Platter at Fei Ma Restaurant. Except the chicken wings and spare ribs in this PuPu Platter are actual Poo.

Yeah, I went for that joke. So sue me.

If Helen of Troy’s face were abs, that’s what they would look like. The Abs That Launched A Thousand Scrotes.

Hmm. I like that. I should write an epic novel with that theme.

HCwD of the Week Finalist #3: Velveeta ‘Bag


Nothing says European mystical charm like an enormous upturned black collar, a velvet jacket, bizarre Euro-bling and the cut jawline of Guy Pierce prepping for his role in L.A. Confidouchebags.

Maria Von Trapp is bright bosomy goodness. The hills are alive with the sound of cleavite.

This creepy pairing almost doesn’t make me wonder why a giant glowing alien UFO is flying through frame.

So there you have it, kids. What’ll it be? Which of these three HCwDB pics are worthy of taking the next step into the upcoming HCwD of the Month smack-off?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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